Dec 5, 2007
The 2008 Emmy’s, Pissed off Dolphins, Principal Skinner, my new girlfriend, the Ford Focus, Scar-Jo's boobies, and Tony Kornheiser’s Christmas list
So I hear that Hollywood’s writers are on strike. Good thing for me that the Palooza writers are locked into a contract that runs through 2015. I pay them with bottles of vodka and packs of cigarettes in exchange for their brilliance. And by “them” I mean “me”, and by “brilliance” I mean “literary genius”. Those Hollywood writers are apparently ticked off that they aren’t getting a cut of the DVD sales & rentals of their movies and tv shows. Sounds fair enough. But then again, the studios claim that if they give an unprecedented cut to the writers, the cost of DVDs will have to increase.
You know, after much thought about the matter, I’ve come to this conclusion: Who gives a fuck?
I only watch four shows that are scripted- Scrubs, The Office, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Heroes. The rest is sports, old SNL reruns, and an occasional episode of Run’s House. This isn’t going to cause me to lose any sleep. Hell, I’m looking forward to seeing what the people who are addicted to Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Lost, Boston Legal, and the countless Law & Order and CSI spinoffs are gonna do with their free time. It’ll also be funny to see how MTV handles putting some of their “reality” shows on hiatus. What, The Hills is scripted? Say it isn’t so.
As interesting as all that will be, the best part of this strike, if it continues through the rest of the winter, will be its affect on the awards shows. It’s usually bad enough when celebs get paired-up, take to the podium and engage in some cheesy, scripted banter before announcing nominees. Most of them can barely handle the script off the telepromter on live television, can you imagine what happens if they write their own stuff or, God forbid, just try to wing it?
Imagine this scenario. Scene: the 2008 Emmy Awards. Alec Baldwin and Jaime Pressley are paired to present the Emmy for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series.
(Announcer)- She’s the sexy star of My Name is Earl. He’s the sexist star of 30 Rock. Jaime Pressley and Alec Baldwin.
(Jaime Pressley)- You know, it ain’t easy bein’ an actress. There’s lines to learn and stuff. And you always gotta’ make sure you don’t get fat.
(Alec Baldwin)- Well, you don’t have to worry about that Jaime. You look great.
(Jaime, blushing)- Thank you.
(Alec)- You know who used to look great? My ex-wife, Kim Bassinger. Now she’s got love handles and her boobs are sagging. It’s not a pretty site.
(Jaime)- Alec, that’s not nice to say. Everybody gets older. I remember what my grandpappy said to me-
(Alec, interrupting)- You know, everybody does get older and maybe it wouldn’t have been a problem if she wasn’t such a friggin’ bitch. Fucking whore. And now she’s spewing her hatred of me to our daughter. That little pig is another story,…
(Jamie, as Alec is forceably removed from the stage by security)- And now the nominees for Best Supportin’ Actress in a Drama Series. Sandra Oh, Grey’s Anatomy….
(Alec, struggling to get back to the podium)- Get your fucking hands off of me! I will kill all of you! You see this honey?! You see what you’ve done?! Happy now?! Are you happy now, you little pig?!!!
(Jaime)- …Sally Fields, Brothers and Sisters….
(Alec, still struggling)- Get the…what is that? Don’t tase me, bro’, don’t you fuckin’ ta-
(Alec gets tased)
(Jaime)- Candice Bergen, Boston Legal…. Emily Proctor, CSI:Miami…..And Mel, Mel…Melinda….er, Melina….uh…Melina Kana….Kanakraz….Melina Kanazra…..Melina…..Melina Kana-sumthin’, CSI: New York.
That. Would. Be. Awesome!
So who wins as a result of the writer’s strike? We all win! Well, unless your life revolves around Grey’s Anatomy, or Desperate Housewives, or The Hills, or whatever. But if that’s the case, you’re a loser anyway.
Now, on with the matchups….
Bears at Tinks (Redskins)-
First sign that you may have the chicken pox: a red, itchy rash
First sign that you may have herpes: a red, itchy rash
First sign that you may have Alzheimer’s: You call back-to-back timeouts resulting in a fifteen yard penalty which turns the opposition’s 50-yard field goal attempt into a 35-yard field goal attempt and you lose an emotional game being played in memory of your recently-slain Pro Bowl safety.
Panthers at Jaguars-
Allow me to be the first to say it, The John Fox Farewell Tour heads for a stop in Jacksonville!
Dolphins at Bills-
News out of Miami is that the NAADP (National Association for the Advancement of Dol Phins), is demanding that the Miami Dolphins change their nickname immediately.
In a televised press conference held earlier today, Jesse Blowhole, spokesman for the NAADP said the following, “Eeee-Eee-Eeee-Eee-Eeee-Eeeeeeee-Ee-Ee. Eee-Eeeeeee-Eeee-Eee-Eeeee-Eeee. Eeee-Eee-Eeeeee-Eee-Ee. Eeee-Eeee-Ee-Eeeeeeeeee.”
Loosely translated, it equates to “Stop using the term Dolphin when referring to your sorry-ass team. We are a proud fish, unlike the tuna or the marlin, and we’re not publicity hounds like the sharks. We are an intelligent, agile, brave nation and wish to not be trivialized on the helmets of such an embarrassing football team. Therefore, we demand that you cease and desist using the nickname Dolphin immediately or we will be forced to take quick and decisive legal action. Thank you. Oh, and while I have the mic, I’d like to give a quick shout-out to my peeps hangin’ out down in Del Mar; P-Dawg, Munzie, Hook Eye, Ray-Ray. Much love my bruthaz, much love. See you ‘round the tuna nets at the reunion. PEACE!”
Chargers at Titans-
Seperated at birth????
Buccaneers at Texans-
What do you get when you combine the anger and intelligence of Chucky with the over-the-top annoyance of Carrot Top? A trip to the playoffs, baby. And no, I’m not going to post pics of Gruden and Garcia to drive home the point that they look eerily like the aforementioned characters. Instead, I will post a pic of my new girlfriend, Gemma Atkinson. Yep, that’s right, I dumped Kim Kardashian. The sex tape she made with a lame club DJ didn’t bother me and neither did the fact that her deceased father used to be OJ’s attorney. Nope, what got me was when I surprised her early one morning and saw that she had a unibrow. Yeah, I know. Apparently she waxes that fur line every morning before letting other humans see her. So, I’m onto a relatively hairless blonde British beauty with large brains. Hurray for me!
Raiders at Packers-
Brett Favre has a bad elbow. That might affect his performance. I remember a few years ago when Johnny B hurt his elbow in a freak moped accident. He bitched for weeks about how he had to have “special time” with his other hand. The good news however is that due to the insane frequency of how often Johnny has “special time”, his other hand became so strong that he’s now ambidextrous and often brags about being able to write and whack simultaneously. It’s apparently a real time-saver when addressing Christmas cards.
Cowboys at Lions-
The Lions have fallen apart faster than a Ford Focus two days after its’ warranty has expired. They’ve gone from 6-2 and a sure-fire playoff team to 6-6 and now staring a possible losing season right in it’s oh-so-familiar face. To make things even worse, word out of Detroit this week is that free agents to be, Roy Williams and Kevin Jones, are counting the days until they can leave Rock City. But there is some good news if you’re a Detroit fan- spring training is less than 90 days away….
Giants at Eagles-
Let me get this straight, Tom Coughlin’s job is safe and Andy Reid is on the hot seat?
(shaking head back and forth and making the Scooby-Doo sound)
That’s like Michael promoting Schrute for one productive month and firing Jim for one bad month. Ridiculous.
For those of you who don’t watch The Office, you totally didn’t get that one. Sorry, I’ll try a CSI:Miami reference next week.
Rams at Bengals-
Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die.
Cardinals at Seahawks-
The Seahawks are like the guy who dropped out of school, got his GED and is now working as a fry cook at Johnny Rockets. Normally, he’d be a disgrace to his family but luckily for him, he has three brothers- one in jail for armed robbery, one homeless and hooked on crack, and one working as a male prostitute.
Speaking of the male prostitute…
Vikings at Niners-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!
Smite them, Purple Jesus. Smite their asses!!!
Chiefs at Broncos-
I’ve got just four words to say about this matchup. It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!!!
Steelers at Patriots-
This is my “Chips n Salsa, Six Pack of Bud, and Some Leftover Pizza” Game.
I am gonna park my ass on the couch with the aforementioned luxuries and settle in to see some carnage. I truly believe that there are three great, joyous moments in a man’s life that just cannot be missed. The birth of one’s children, full frontal nude scenes involving Scarlet Johannson, and the humiliation of the Pittsburgh Steelers. None of these come along very often (unless of course, you’re Shawn Kemp), so when they do, make sure not to miss them. Life is short and true joy is rare, my friends. Do not miss this game.
Browns at Jets-
J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! Suck!! SUCK!!!
Colts at Ravens-
Ever see a porno where the dude shoots his wad with one chick, then another chick comes in and he just doesn’t have anything left for another money shot? Me either, but that’s the situation the Ravens are in this week after losing last Monday to the Pats. My guess is we’ll see a tired effort resulting in mostly lifeless play fueled by a drop or two of inspiration.
Saints at Falcons-
One of my sources at the North Pole has forwarded Tony Kornheiser’s Christmas list to me. After a quick scan, it became obvious that his list should be the subject of this week’s Palooza Pop Quiz.
Which of the following items is NOT included in Kornheiser’s Christmas list?
a) Another ill-fitting sports coat
b) A soft-bristled brush that’s easy on the scalp when performing the comb-over
c) A life-sized blowup doll of Michelle Tafoya
d) A life-sized blowup doll of Tom Brady
e) A City of Jacksonville snowglobe
Posted by Smitty