My Oscar Night
Ahh, the Oscars. A night where Hollywood’s finest gather together
to recognize one another’s accomplishments, examine one another's attire, admire one another's implants, covet one another's trophy wives, and point out one another's botched Botox injections. Wholesome fun in a wholesome town.
The stars arrive in rented limos, wearing rented clothes, flashing rented bling-bling, flashing pained smiles for the hated papparazzi, answering the inevitable question “Who are you wearing?”, and (most importantly) putting themselves on a perverbial batting tee for mean-spirited a-holes like me to smack them into the bleachers.
This year, my night started promisingly enough as I grabbed a bottle of Pepsi Vanilla (the reigning champion of vanilla-flavored beverages) and threw a bag of popcorn into the microwave. Two minutes and ten seconds later, I found myself cleaning processed butter-flavored oil off of the inside of the nuker. Seems that the popcorn bag was sporting a tear which was spouting like Mt. St. Helens while I was busy looking for some Swedish Fish to complete the ultimate snacking trifecta. I cleaned up the micro-mess as fast as I could because I was fully aware that ABC’s pre-show was being hosted by another ultimate trifecta: Maria Menuonos, Chirs Connelly, and Billy Bush. As you all know by now, all I ask of someone is for them to bring something to the table, and in this case all three of them deliver. Menuonos is simply stunning & almost always manages to dress in next to nothing, Connelly knows his stuff when it comes to movies & doesn’t take himself too seriously, and Bush is an un-funny hack who celebs almost literally go out of their way to ignore, which of course makes for some unbelievably great viewing. So, now the mess has been cleaned up, the top is off the Pepsi Vanilla, there’s a Swedish Fish stuck to my molars……...It’s time for the Oscars!
Menuonos is simply stunning in a $2million diamond-studded dress.
I can't help but wonder how it would look on Kathy Bates.
Menuonos interviews Nuke Laloush and the whore from Bull Durham. The whore is showing about 15 inches of cleavage. Not good for 50 year-old boobs. Really not good for Nuke & the whore’s sons standing next to them. At least their parents didn’t bellyache about the war again. Apparently Nuke is too self-absorbed with his nomination to obsess about that for the moment.
Billy Bush traps Naomi Watts of Lost in Translation and asks her “Watt’s up?”. Seriously, I can’t make this stuff up.
Good to see Billy in typical 3rd grade humor form, already getting sideways looks from the celebs. I’m now really excited because they should be going to him at least 8-10 more times before the pre-show is over!
Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson get interviewed by Menuonos.
Stiller is at least a foot shorter than Menuonos. Hilarious. Maybe Uma Thurman and Charlize Theron will stop over and lean their elbows on his head. Now Stiller and Wilson get into a pre-rehearsed argument, ending with Stiller accusing Wilson of ogling Menuonos’ breasts. Honestly, who could blame him?
Nice to see Catherine Zeta Jones in attendance tonight..... with her grandfather Michael Douglas.
Back to Billy Bush who asks Bill Murray “What are you wearing tonight?”
Murray replies, “Boxers.” Billy is struggling early tonight!
Johnny Depp gets interviewed by Connelly and we soon realize that he’s developed a Madonna-esque British accent. Just disturbing.
There’s Angelina Jolie. Nothing like sporting a $50,000 white satin dress……….and a $35 upper-arm tattoo.
Billy Bush is now inside the theater, bothering celebs in their seats. They look horrified. Most of them are either calling for an usher or dialing 911.
Bush finds Alec "Frenchy" Baldwin who quite cleverly shifts the focus to a taken-aback Ben Kingsley sitting down the aisle from him. Bush asks Kingsley who his date is. Kingsley replies, “My date? My date is my wife.” Okay then. Billy is on fire!!
They give us our first look at the mastermind behind The Lord of the Rings- director Peter Jackson. And Holy Crap!, dude looks drunk already. Tie undone, hair all mussed-up……….
He’s like My Big Fat Obnoxious Director. I can’t decide which of the following ways to describe him, so I’ll use them all:
a) a dark-haired Bruce Villanche
b) Jack Osborne with a beard
c) Rupert from Survivor, with big ugly glasses
d) George Wendt with a beard and fucked-up New Zealand accent
e) Star Jones, bleached and minus 150 pounds
There’s Frodo (aka Elijah Wood). No, wait, that’s Rachel Dratch from Saturday Night Live?
Sofia Coppola is being interviewed. She looks disturbingly uncomfortable & out of place. She also bears a striking resemblence to the nice kid in Fast Times at Ridgemont High who had a thing for Judge Rhinehold’s sister. Yeah, put a wig on that kid & you’d have Sofia Coppola.
Back again to Billy Bush who's now trying to play matchmaker. He says he knows that Kesisha Castle-Hughes (Whalerider) has a crush on Johnny Depp, so he calls her out of her seat and is walking her over to an unsuspecting Depp. “Johnny, this is Keisha Castle-Hughes. Keisha, this is Johnny Depp.”
Um, hey Billy, Keisha is FOURTEEN YEARS OLD!! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!?! You should be introducing her to R. Kelly.
End of pre-show.
On with the awkward presenter combos and long-winded acceptance speeches!
(The show lasts approximately 17 hours, so as to keep this article from running 356 pages, here are just a bag full of observations:)
Sean Connery has lost a step. He was much funnier on Jeopardy.
Nuke Laloush wins Best Supporting Actor. For some reason the line, “A million-dollar arm and a ten-cent head” still comes to mind every time I see this ass-clown.
Everybody involved with The Lord of the Rings looks like a freak. Did they recruit from a traveling carnival? Except for the aforementioned Peter Jackson, and Liv Tyler (who, for some reason, came dressed as a 1950’s librarian), they all look like they actually did indeed come in tonight from Middle Earth. Fifty dollars says they all go back to Elijah, er, Rachel Dratch’s house afterwards for some clove cigarettes and an all-night game of Dungeons & Dragons. Nobody, and I mean nobody parties like the Hobbits!
Robin Williams is standing behind Billy Crystal & making noises. Something tells me this isn’t the first time that this has happened.
Rene Zelwegger wins Best Supporting Actress for her role as a water-bloated mountain skank in Cold Mountain. What a stretch.
One of the actresses Zelwegger beat out for Best Supporting Actress is Marsha Gay Harden, who just so happens to be sporting the biggest set of pregnancy tits I have ever seen! Somebody get her a little gold man & start filming a fetish flick immediately!
Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson may be the best comedic pairing since, ...well..., since Owen Wilson and Jackie Chan.
Jennifer Garner is now officially on The List!
Why do we have to sit through acceptance speeches by creepy, balding guys who get handed Oscars for shit like set design and sound production? I’m pretty sure that they have their own annual awards show held at the ballroom of a Howard Johnson’s somewhere, and they surely don’t hand out trophies to actors, do they?
Speaking of crappy award categories, the Oscar for Best Makeup should’ve gone to whoever worked on Oprah tonight. She actually looked, shall I say, do-able? Seriously, that's one hell of a makeup job considering that without the paint she looks like a fat Otis Nixon.
I’m glad to see that Jim Carrey didn’t let a little problem like having gigantic ears keep him from shaving his head. I think he can hear my thoughts with those taters.
Did anyone else see Blake Edward’s wheelchair stunt and think to themselves’ “If Christopher Reeves ever wins an award, he should definitely do that!”?
10:47 pm- First anti-war statement. Hollywood sucks.
Diane Keaton is wearing a floppy hat and a polka-dotted man’s necktie. All that’s missing is a flower on her lapel that shoots water & she’s ready for the big top. What a goon.
The obligatory “Here’s Who Died This Year” montage included John Ritter, Charles Bronson, Katherine Hepburn, Robert Stack, and Gregory Peck.
Here are the Vegas odds on some possibles for next year’s group:
Wilford Brimley, 4 to 1
Della Reece, 3 to 1
Pat Morita, 20 to 1
John Goodman, 5 to 1
Elizabeth Taylor, 2 to 1
Robert DuVall, 10 to1
Angela Lansbury, 3 to 2
Don Knotts, 4 to 3
Verne Troyer, even odds
Marlon Brando, no line
How did Nike make a commercial with Tiger Woods playing Groundskeeper Carl and not have him say “Bark like a dog for me!”???? That’s one huge missed opportunity.
Nice to see that Jamie Lee Curtis is wearing Cal Ripken’s hair tonight. Call me crazy, but this is not a particularly good look for the former hermaphrodite.
I just flipped over to ESPN during a commercial break & caught a couple minutes of their new reality show Dream Job, where people compete to be the next ESPN sports anchor. Much to my horror, the host is Stuart Scott. Much more to my horror are the panel of judges; There’s an ESPN corporate suit, Tony Kornheiser, Lavar Arrington, and Kit Hoover (yes, the same Kit Hoover who gained fame as one of the original MTV Road Rulers and is now the smiley ditz who single-handedly has taken ESPN 2’s Cold Pizza from “terrible” to “utterly unwatchable”). With respect to Kornheiser, none of the judges have ever, EVER, been a sports anchor. How can they judge who will be good at something they have no working knowledge of? To make it even worse, they almost bounce a guy because of his hair. Even Kornheiser sounds off on it. Really Tony? REALLY? Then Stu asks him if he can take the contest seriously enough to cut his hair. Do you think anyone ever asked Stu if he took it seriously enough to put a patch over his lazy eye? Seriously though, with much love to Stuart Scott, it ain’t that his right eye is lazy so much as it’s just that his left eye works so damn hard.
Back to the Oscars.
Lord of the Nerds just won its 46th award of the night. I think this one was for Best Film About Wizards, Midgets, or Monsters. It also won for Best Song, which was gleefully accepted by Annie Lennox who at this stage in her life looks like a cross between Katie Couric and, you guessed it, a Hobbit.
Charlize Theron takes the stage as a presenter. She was hot. Was. She ruined it when she got uglied-up for Monster. Yeah, it was only makeup, but you know that image is always going to be lurking somewhere in the back of your mind.
Ironically, Charlize is followed as a presenter by Uma Thurman. Ironic because due to the aforementioned uglying-up, Miss Thurman has now unseated Miss Theron as the hottest blonde in Hollywood standing over eight feet tall.
Tom Cruise comes out to present an award & we get no shots of Nicole Kidman. None. They’ve shown her ghostly white face at least ten times so far tonight for no apparent reason, but now when we’re dying to see her straining to force out an awkward smile, we get nothing.
They should’ve at least cut to the scene in Days of Thunder where she berates Cole in the parking garage- “You said you like racing because you like to control things that are out of control. Well let me let you in on something that the rest of the world has already figured out: there are some things in this world that you can’t control. You got a glimpse of that when Rowdy crashed & it scared you. It scared you so much that now you’re afraid to get back on the race track……….I hate you, you son of a bitch. You just made me sound like a doctor.”
Of course, I’m paraphrasing. No, I’m not gay. And yes, that would’ve been fucking hilarious.
Lord of the Band Geeks wins again, this time for Best Director. How can they possibly have more people to thank? Somebody get Rupert Villanche Osborne off of the goddamn stage!
Best Actress goes to Charlize Theron and the line starts forming in the theater lobby for actresses to sign up for roles that involve playing fat or disfigured characters.
Best Actor goes to Sean Penn. Somewhere Madonna is watching and feeling amazed that he still gets her wet.
Penn gets a standing ovation, gets in a jab about WMDs, and thanks Forrest Gump’s girlfriend Jenny for being his rock, or something.
Best Picture goes to Old School. Well, it should have. But no, Lord of the Science Club wins yet again. It ties Titanic and Ben Hur for most awards won. Curiously, none of its’ awards were for acting performances. Not-so-curiously, none of the film’s male stars are there with dates. I suspect that this was also how they all went to prom.
That’s it, it ‘s past midnight and I’m all out of Swedish Fish. I’m already looking forward to next year when Passion of the Christ will surely be involved and Starsky & Hutch will surely not. How ironic would it be if Passion of the Christ was nominated
for three Oscars and got denied all three times?
I’m washing my hands of all this Hollywood crap…… until next year.