Show me, don't tell me, You've figured out the score...Show me, don't tell me, I've heard it all before...Show me, don't tell me, I don't care what you say...Show me, don't tell me...You can twist perceptions, Reality won't budge...You can raise objections, I will be the judge...And the jury...I'll give it due reflection, Watching from the fence...Give the jury direction, Based on the evidence...I, the jury...Show, Don't tell

Sep 28, 2005

My Name is Smitty

Saw a new show last night called My name is Earl . Earl has a bit of an epiphany and decides that he’s carrying around a king-sized truckload of bad karma. Earl looks back on his life and tallies up all of his wrongdoings, then vows to make amends for each and every one of them in the hopes that he can get his yin and his yang properly calibrated again. It seems that there are over two hundred of these wrongs on Earl’s list, so the wishful-thinking dye has been cast by the creators for a 8-10 year run for the show. I’m not sure it makes it quite that far but if Earl keeps getting beaten up by near-sighted grandmas wielding fifty-pound bibles, driving cars with “Jesus is my Airbag” bumper stickers and we see more of his ex-girlfriend Jaime Pressly, then there should be some syndication money in their future. And the more I thought about it, the more I like the premise of the show. Not only for Earl, but for everyone. Shouldn’t we all strive to make amends for our sins? Shouldn’t we all ask forgiveness of those we’ve wronged in the past? Shouldn’t we all have memories of banging someone who looks like Jaime Pressly? I say “yes”, “yes”, and “hell yes”. It’s like Joe Dirt said, “Is this where you wanna be when Jesus comes back?” Well sir, I for one would like to be sitting right in the middle of the yin-yang teeter totter with no regrets and no black clouds hovering overhead. Just blue skies, an ice cold MGD, and a Get Into Heaven Free pass hanging around my neck. Do I have some work to do to get there? You're damn right I do. And there's no better place to start than asking forgiveness from the plethora of footballers that I've talked trash about over the years. So, even though I don’t have “the crazy eyes” or a tattoo of Moses parting the Red Sea on my ass (you really needed to see the show for that one), I’m grabbing the divining rod and heading down to direct my moral traffic back onto the highway to righteousness. Just like a pulling guard paving the way to the promised land. Come on, follow me.....

Notre Dame at Purdue-
I may have, at one time (during the Tyrone Willingham Era), said something like “Even God has stopped rooting for Notre Dame at this point.” So I’d like to apologize to God, God’s advisors, the good people of Notre Dame, and, of course, Rudy Ruettiger.

Minnesota at Penn State-
It has been brought to my attention that I once made a remark about Joe Paterno dressing like a “nerdy pedophile”. Well, I’ll admit it….that was just wrong. He actually looks more like Eugene Levy, if he were hit on the head by one of those big Donkey Kong hammers. And that's no crime. A shame, but no crime.
Sorry Joe Pa.

Bills at Saints (in San Antonio)-
This one’s easy. I’d like to ask forgiveness from Takeo Spikes, who I once referred to as being “gap-toothed and triple-dipped”. That was completely out of line. So….I’m sorry. And Takeo, I’m also sorry to hear that you tore up your knee last week……in Buffalo……where you ran off to instead of sticking it out while Marvin Lewis turned things around here in Cincinnati. I’m also sorry that Odell Thurman is playing in stripes, wearing your old number, and making everyone forget all about you. Best of luck with your rehab.

Broncos at Jaguars-
Coach Shannahan, you may have heard that, on occasion, I’ve poked a little fun at your oversized choppers. You probably have a very good reason for not getting a pair that better fits your steakhole, even though you do make a ton of money & could probably afford a nice gold set like Chad Johnson or Flava Flav. But nevertheless, your false teeth are your business, not mine. So, please accept my apologies and this huge husk of corn on the cob as a token of my regret.

Lions at Bucs-
Last year, I jumped all over Lions GM Matt Millen after he made some insensitive anti-gay comments. As it says it the good book, “Let ye who hasn’t gay-bashed cast the first stone at those who have”. Of course I’m paraphrasing, but the point is I shouldn’t have taken the high ground there. So, my apologies to you, Mr. Millen, and I hope to see you in sensitivity class again next Thursday.

Texans at Bengals-
I really can’t think of anyone to apologize to here………Nope, nobody comes to mind……….Who? Mike Brown? …..You know what; maybe this was a bad idea. ‘Cause I’m certainly not ready to……Seriously, I just can’t…….Are you sure this is completely necessary?........(sigh)………………….Oh Christ, okay……I’m sorry.

(I feel dirty now. There had better be lots of free whores and hotcakes in heaven.)

Colts at Titans-
Porno ‘stache or Horse face, porno ‘stache or horse face?
Umm…..I’d like to apologize to Steve McNair for once referring to him as being “Black Irish”.

Chargers at Patriots-
This apology goes out to Kristin Schottenheimer. I’ve devoted a lot of keystrokes to referencing the stroking that took place one late fall evening in Oxford, Ohio between Marty’s daughter and one of my college roommates back in 2001. I’m sure that by now Kristin is busy taking care of a husband, a few kids, and trying to deal with a weight problem and really doesn’t need any of the aggravation I’ve caused. So, I’m very sorry. And as a matter of fact, if I could turn back the clock and steer you away from that one-night romp, the one where you could be heard down the hall squealing and moaning like a wounded groundhog, believe me, I would.

Seahawks at Redskins-
So you’re fat, big deal. You know you’re fat, I know you’re fat, everybody knows you’re fat, and I shouldn’t have rubbed it in. You actually look more like a big cuddly walrus in person. So Coach Holmgren, what I’m trying to say is, “I’m sorry.” I’d be very grateful if you could find it in your heart to forgive me. And if it’s not too forward, could I climb into that big beefy torso and get a hug?

Rams at Giants-
It must be hard having a brother who’s better at what you do than you are. I wouldn’t know, I don’t have a brother, so it probably hasn’t been fair of me to poke fun at you.
And your name isn’t that bad, either. Sure it’s a little different, but it’s unique. Anyway, I’m sorry for any grief I may have caused you. I hope you will accept my most humble apologies and I wish nothing but the best of luck to you and your brother. Please tell Ronde that I said ‘hello’.

(surely you didn't think I was talking about Eli)

Jets at Ravens-
To those good, decent, upstanding Baltimore Ravens team and staff members whom I have lumped in with the criminals on the team over the years, I must sincerely apologize to all three of you.

Cowboys at Raiders-
When I said you looked like “Joan Rivers after a sex change”, I was obviously exaggerating. When I hinted that you routinely scared off the cheerleaders with your “Silly Putty face”, I was simply being childish. And when I mentioned that you had an “unnatural affinity for Troy Aikman’s wiener”, well, that was just supposition, at best. I apologize, Mr. Jones. I actually admire a man who’s concerned with trying to better his appearance and would never want you to hesitate at further cosmetic surgery if you thought it was necessary. As a matter of fact, if I could make a suggestion, you may want to have your ears looked at. And your neck. Maybe see about some hair plugs.

Vikings at Falcons-
So you passed along a sexually transmitted disease to some innocent young lady and then gave her a fake name, big deal. Did I really need to make fun of you for that? Let me answer that- No, no I didn’t. I’m sure it’s not fun to have your penis feel like it’s on fire every time you take a whiz, and my insults surely haven’t eased your pain. In fact, an apology doesn’t really seem good enough in this instance. So, since I’m sure it’s not easy for you to find too many women willing to “hang out” with you at this point, I’d like to offer a solution……I’ve found a woman who already has a raging case of herpes and who also just so happens to have a thing for shifty black guys. Mike, er, I mean Ron Mexico, I’d like you to meet Mama Squintz. Mama Squints, this is my friend Ron Mexico.

Eagles at Chiefs-
Coach Vermeil, please stop crying……I said I was sorry……What? They’re “happy tears”? Oh. Well, does that mean you forgive me? Great, I’m uh, just going to let myself out while you, uh, let it all out. Have a good cry. I’ll call ya.

Niners at Cardinals (in Mexico City)-
Of course I wasn’t serious when I said you were going to “melt like a big fudgesicle” out there in Arizona. I was totally kidding. But it was insensitive, and for that I apologize. What? Uh, well, I’ve got a half-eaten turkey & swiss in the car. Really? So if I give you the rest of the sandwich, you’ll forgive me? I’ll be right back.

(And as for you Niners, I still damn you all to straight hell. Jesus is on my side here, believe me.)

(Monday Night) Packers at Panthers-
And finally......this one goes out to all the Cheeseheads. I now know that not all of you engage in "getting hammered on Old Milwaukee every night." I now realize that not all of you get your rocks off by "tipping cows in the middle of dairy farms after the bars close." And I now realize that not all of your women are "thick-legged and pale-faced with breath that smells like Spam." I was wrong when I said those things and I'm very sorry. Fonzie rules!

Now then, bring on the good karma, bitches! My slate is clear and my conscience is clean. I feel so much lighter. I feel good. I feel fresh. I feel like........like it's time to start all over again. Can't wait til next week.

Sep 19, 2005

Damned dirty apes, Hawaiian Shirt Day, Mama McNabb, and the Donger

If I said, "If you build it, he will come", you'd probably conjure up an image of Kevin Costner and James Earl Jones standing in that farm-turned-baseball field in Field of Dreams. If you overheard someone utter the phrase, "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse", you'd almost asuredly think of Marlon Brando in The Godfather. If there was a television turned on in another room and you heard the line, "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape", you'd certainly know that Planet of the Apes was on, or that Olson was making another move on Mama Squintz. (The same holds true for, "Say 'Hello' to my little friend.") You'd recognize these phrases and countless others because they are timeless lines delivered flawlessly and fitted perfectly into the dialogue of their respective films. And also because they're lines that have transcended the big screen and become ingrained into our everyday language. I mean, who hasn't grabbed a wire hanger out of the closet before and yelled "No wire hangers, EVER!" or stood on the golf course and started into the whole "Cinderella story. Outta nowhere, a former greenskeeper now about to become the Masters champion..." routine? It’s a way of getting a point across or getting a laugh, or both, while offering the unusual opportunity of sharing the memory of something with people who most likely weren’t even there with you when you first experienced it.

That’s why I’m fascinated with the spoken word, be it in movies, tv shows, music, or even commercials. The ability to mass broadcast allows for memorable lyrics and dialogue to become a common thread for all of us to share, regardless of social status, race, creed, or sexual orientation. (Although if a homo started reciting lines from Will & Grace, I have to admit, he’d lose me.) Therefore, it should be no surprise that when I spotted the recent special AFI’s 100 Movie Quotes: America’s Greatest Quips, Comebacks and Catchphrases on the program listing last week, it was eagerly awaited with a bevy of iced MGD's, some heavily buttered popcorn, and of course, a large bag of Swedish Fish. The program was entertaining but left a little to be desired for anyone born after the Korean War. I just can’t take too seriously a list of best movie lines ever when it excludes such gems as “We’re on a mission from God.”, “I’m not gonna fall for the banana in the tailpipe”, or “No more yanky my wanky, the Donger needs food.” So, in an effort to share some of AFI’s picks, hopefully improve upon it with some choices of my own, and to bring you this week’s slate of NFL contests with a unique twist, here are your Week 3 Matchups……….

Hawaii at Idaho- "Oh, and next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day... so, you know, if you want to you can go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt.... and jeans." (Office Space)
Two winless teams, three hours of exciting WAC action!

Michigan State at Wisconsin- "Badgers? We don't need no badgers! I don't have to show you any stinking badgers!" (The Treasure of the Sierra Madre)
(And, yes, I know.)

Falcons at Bills- "He left me with a little something called herpes. Which I then gave to the dog. But that's neither here nor there." (Old School)
Knock 'em dead, Ron Mexico.

Panthers at Dolphins- "Waiter, there is too much pepper in my paprikash." (When Harry Met Sally)
I think it's safe to say, given the state of the Dolphins offensive line play, that Gus Frerotte's going to have Julius Peppers all over his paprikash on Sunday.

Bengals at Bears- "That's a pretty fucking good milkshake. I don't know if it's worth five dollars, but it's pretty fucking good." (Pulp Fiction)
Both of these perennial losers won by more than four touchdowns last week. I guess we'll find out which one of them is worth five dollars this Sunday.

Browns at Colts- “You’re gonna need a bigger boat. (Jaws)”
The Browns defense looked solid against old man Favre last week but I don’t think they’ll be able to hang with ol’ horseface this Sunday.

speaking of Favre……..

Bucs at Packers- "No shirt, no shoes, no dice. Learn it, know it, live it." (Fast Times at Ridgemont High)
No blocking, no one to throw to, no dice Mr. Favre. Have a great farewell tour.

Jags at Jets- “Don't touch it, it's eee-vil!" (Time Bandits)
Who can figure these two teams out? Not me, I ain't touching this one with a 120-inch long stick-like thingy.

Saints at Vikings- “I see dead people." (The Sixth Sense)”
Before I get nasty emails from some of you, I'm talking about the Vikings here.

Raiders at Eagles- “Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. McNabb?" (The Graduate)
'nuff said.

Titans at Rams- “You found me beautiful once. Uh, Honey, you got reeeeal ugly.” (Army of Darkness)
Remember not long ago when these two teams met in the SuperBowl? Yeah, me too.

Cardinals at Seahawks- “You have smoked yourself retarded.” (Half Baked)
Can someone please explain the ending of the Cardinals-Rams game last week? I certainly hope there was some weed-smoking to blame 'cause I'd hate to think they're naturally that stupid. I spy an 0-3 start for the Cardinals. Thanks for participating in the 2005 NFL regular season. Please follow the lovely Janice and pick up your parting gifts.

Cowboys at Niners- “My Lord, you look just like the piss-boy. And you look like a bucket of shit." (History of the World: Part I)
The Cowboys blew a 13-point lead Monday night with four minutes remaining to quite possibly the worst offense the NFL has seen in over a decade and the Niners came crashing to earth with an ungodly beating at the hands of the Eagles. Frankly, I’d rather watch Bravo’s Celebrity Poker finals with Rosie O’Fat and Ozzy Osbourne (a.k.a. Penny Marshall) betting, bluffing, and steaming each others’ clams.

Patriots at Steelers- “We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens. (Sixteen Candles)"
Best offensive line in the NFL.
Strong defense with all eleven starters returned from last season.
Rothlisberger seemingly avoiding the sophomore jinx.
And now Willie Parker looks like the next Walter Payton.
I hate to say it but I think the Steelers are safe as kittens.
Little, gay, black & gold kittens.

Giants at Chargers- “Go fuck yourself, San Diego.”
No, you go fuck yourself, Mr. Eli Mantooth. (you really had to see the movie for that one.)

(Monday night) Chiefs at Broncos- "Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown." (Chinatown)
....and by Jake I mean Plummer. And by Chinatown I mean a big game.

Good luck snotsticks
(except for you, Olson. Damn you Matty Madagascar, damn you straight to hell!)

Sep 14, 2005

Hotcakes, Cocktails, Mama Squintz' underwear, and Screech's penis

So I’m flipping back and forth between the Falcons-Eagles game on ABC and the NFL Network last night and I just so happened to catch a promo for the NFL Network featuring Bill Cowher. What? Why was I flipping channels during Monday Night Football? I've got five words for you: Dolphins Cheerleaders: Making the Squad . And for the record, if Jeannie- look to the right- doesn't make the cut, I will have lost all faith in humanity. Anyway, in Cowher's NFL Network promo, he comments that he’d like his own show on the network, Bill Cowher’s Power Hour. Funny. But hey, spending an hour watching anyone like Cowher who spits when they talk would be funny, right? Nevertheless, it got me to thinking- what if all NFL head coaches had weekly shows? College coaches do it. College football coaches, college basketball coaches….Have you ever seen Rick Pitino’s weekly show? Holy Christ, what a preening, self-absorbed train wreck- let’s just say that it ranks very high on the unintentional comedy scale. So why not wheel out NFL head coaches onto low-budget sets each week, roll cameras, and have them talk football and show some of their personality? I say, let’s do it! And of course, I just so happened to have come up with a few initial ideas……..

Holmgren & Hotcakes
Seahawks head coach Mike Holmgren talks X’s and O’s while feeding himself syrup-lathered hotcakes at a rate that would choke an average sized wildebeast. Also on camera are leggy Nurse Nancy and a midget ER doctor, both there to monitor the coach’s vital signs as he binges on hotcakes, sausage links, fried eggs, and fatty bacon. The high point each week is in the “Two Minute Drill” wherein Coach Holmgren tries to eat fourteen hotcakes in two minutes. If he can’t do it, beers at Q-West Field are half price at the next home game.
Likely homes: The Food Network or Animal Planet

Tuna & Titties
A topless Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells spins words of wisdom from a different Texas strip club each week. The Tuna not only breaks down game film, but he also breaks it down, learning new striptease moves from the exotic dancers. High point each week comes when Jerry Jones tries to join in the fun and winds up creeping-out the strippers with his Silly Putty face.
Likely homes: Spike TV or FOX.

How to Show Your Emotions, with Dick
Chiefs head coach Dick Vermeil discusses how to win football games and, more importantly, how to win at life by releasing your emotions and sobbing uncontrollably like a little girl. Regular guests include: Tammy Faye Baker, Richard Simmons, Nancy Kerrigan, the design team on ABC’s Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Mike Myers as Linda from the old SNL Coffee Talk skit, and every actress who’s ever accepted an Oscar. Highlight each week comes when Coach Vermeil, tears welling up in his eyes, signs off by saying “when things seem low, and sometimes they will….just keep your chin up and remember….Dick’s here for ya’.”
Likely homes: PAX or Cinemax.

Cocktails with Coughlin
Giants head coach Tom Coughlin talks about football, discipline, and the art of micro-management while sipping martinis at the bar of a local Applebee's. The entertainment routinely comes from Coughlin’s verbal harassment of sidekick Bartender Dave who’s blunders range from serving drinks in glasses that are not perfectly spotless, to taking too long to refresh the peanuts, to misplacing the coach’s reading glasses. High point each week comes when Bartender Dave “accidentally” slips things such as extacy, acid, and anthrax into Coach Coughlin’s martinis. Chaos and occassional medical assistance ensues.
Likely home: public access.

Denny at Denny’s
Cardinals head coach Denny Green gets fatter by the second as he talks pigskin and throws Grand Slam breakfast platters down his bacon hole. Coach Green also takes questions from fans who sit down at his table. The show is taped on Saturdays at 2:30 am, so the clientele at Denny’s includes drunk 21 year-old girls droning on about their “asshole” boyfriends, middle-aged drunken truck drivers lamenting their bad luck, drunk hookers on their lunch breaks, and the mildly retarded who are just lost, tired and hungry.
High point each and every week is when someone inevitably sits down with Coach Green and says, “Wow, you’re even bigger than you looked when you starred on ‘Gimme A Break’.”
Likely homes: The Food Network or BET

This Old Coach
Redskins head coach Joe Gibbs shows that Alzheimer’s is not an excuse for not being productive. He takes viewers on tours of his home, shows off his dye-cast Nascar racecar collection, teaches viewers how to make tapioca “that won’t give you runny poo-poo”, shares the art of “doubling-up” on your adult diapers, and of course, lets us in on the inner secrets of running a once-proud NFL team into the ground. High point of the show is a tie between A) the several times each week when Coach Gibbs suddenly stops and asks the camera man “Who are you? And what are you doing in my house with that camera?” and B) when, each week, Coach Gibbs says the keys to winning the upcoming game is “…the offensive line giving Theisman getting time to throw and Riggins holes to run through.”
Likely homes: PBS or The Speed Channel

Billick on Billick
Ravens head coach Brian Billick discusses his favorite topic: himself. The four-hour weekly program features Coach Billick preening and posturing, showing off his advanced Power Point knowledge, playing Jedi mind tricks on his administrative staff, and generally just making a complete pompous ass of himself. Regular guests include friends Tony LaRussa and Bobby Knight.
High point each week comes when Billick, LaRussa, and Knight end their roundtable discussion and Billick signs off by looking into the camera and saying, “Well, there you have it. Those are our uncontestably correct opinions. I’m sure most of you were not able to comprehend the conversation fully, but that’s okay because just by hearing the sound of my voice, you’ve all grown a little bit smarter. Thanks for watching. Good Night.”
Likely homes: C-Span or The Cartoon Network.

Other possible shows for head coaches in the early stages of production include:

A Day in the Life of a Porn Mustache
Dungy & Dragons
The Romeo Crennel Suicide Watch
Caper’s Capers
Dazed & Confused with Mike Tice

Now, without further ado, the Week Two Matchups………….

(Saturday) Tennessee at Florida-

(Saturday) Miami, FL at Clemson

(Sunday) Ravens at Titans- Is it just me or does Jamal Lewis suddenly seem a step or two slower……….than Sam Adams?

Bills at Bucs- Prediction: one of these teams will be 2-0 and in first place in their respective division at the conclusion of this contest.

Lions at Bears- Over-Under on the number of points the Bears will score this season: 42.

Jaguars at Colts- If Peyton Manning were a girl, his name would be Peyton, right?

Vikings at Bengals- “Culpepper. Palmer. A big blacky versus a big whitey, this Sunday on FOX!”

Patriots at Panthers- Two solid teams, two solid coaching staffs….Kinda like Team Miz vs Team Chip on Battle of the Network Reality Stars. Speaking of which, quite possibly the funniest nine words I heard on television all summer- “And now let's go to Omarossa with the winners..”

Steelers at Texans- Willie Parker??? Are you kidding me??? I want details of Cowher’s deal with the devil on my desk first thing in the morning!

Niners at Eagles- Damn the Niners, Damn T.O., Damn Drew Rosenhaus, Damn them all straight to hell!

Falcons at Seahawks- This just in: Mike Vick is the fastest man alive with a raging case of herpes.

Rams at Cardinals- Well, whaddya know, the Cardinals are the surprise team of the year…..Surprise! You still suck!!

Browns at Packers- The Browns pass defense has more holes in it than a pair of Mama Squintz’ underwear after a long day at the bean festival.

Dolphins at Jets- J-E-T-S!, SUCK, SUCK, SUCK!

Chargers at Broncos- The Mike Shannahan Farewell Tour has commenced!

Chiefs at Raiders- After an 0-2 start, I’m sensing that Disgruntled Randy Moss will be showing up very soon.

(Monday Night) Saints at Giants- “.....On a very special Monday Night Football”

(Monday Night) Redskins at Cowboys- The Redskins offense just might be the least productive scoring unit since Screech’s penis on Saved By the Bell.

Sep 5, 2005

Wanna Lollipop?


To kickoff this season, I thought that instead of spewing sarcasm and taking pot shots, it'd be nice to try and start off on the right foot by making friends with fans from all across the country. So, I headed to the ESPN.COM NFL message boards with an open mind and open arms to make some new pals. Keeping with the friendly theme, I decided to go by the pen name of "Chat Bastard". Here's a sampling of what happened.........

posted by: garybuffalohead
Is McGahee hurt? I just heard he limped off the field. Anyone know the extent of the injury or shake-up?

reply by Chat Bastard
Yeah, rumor has it that he’s sidelined with a strained fallopian tube and a torn ACL.
I think he may also have a case of the shingles and a touch of smallpox but he’s gonna be fine. Go have some more wings and play with your Marv Levy bobblehead.

Cardinals rule!
posted by: cardsfan42
The Arizona Cardinals is by far the best team in the AFC West. The Cardinals will win the AFC west with a 10-6 record.

reply by Chat Bastard
Hey Cardsfan42, you is by far the most literate Cardinals fan I’ve ever met. I’d like to thank you for sharing your ability to see the future with us because, you see (no pun intended) I, too am a seer. My visions tell me that at the end of this season your Cardinals will have a 6-10 record and your mother will have caught you wacking off to Ally McBeal reruns in her basement.

This team has character
posted by: hoopster atl
I'm liking what I see from this Falcons squad. I see a team that has a street fighters mentality. This team is tough and mean as hell.
I see this team playing in Detroit come next February.
Just don't forget y'all snow boots.....

reply by Chat Bastard
You know what’s mean as hell? Giving a girl herpes and using a fake name. Don’t forget y’alls rubbers…..

Ravens training camp question
posted by: Zoe 31
Has anyone been to a training camp session this year? I'm looking to go this week and don't know what to expect...do I have to get there at the crack of dawn or what? Do the players sign autographs after practice? Can anyone offer any info? THX!

reply by Chat Bastard
Zoe, you need to get there REAL early. The Raven players are released from their shackles at 4:00am and then practice inside the prison yard until about noon. Then, there is a 15-minute period where you can get autographs and sign up for conjugal visits. Hope to see you there!

posted by: DeZielsi
I have never been to a Carolina game and am going with a group of people to a couple games this year. Where is the best parking spots to tailgate and are the lots open to anyone? Can you grill in these locations? Thanks to anyone who has any info. on this.

reply by Chat Bastard
DeZielsi, the best spots are in Lot C. Look for rainbow flags and shirtless men. You can grill there but there’s usually not much of that going on. You’ll mainly find a lot of guys drinking fruit smoothies and rollerdancing. Get ready for some F-U-N!

Cedric Benson signs with the Bears
posted by: alir6
Cedric Benson will be signed and in camp by Friday according to reliable sources!!

reply by Chat Bastard
Alir6, I’m gonna tell you this for the last tim…., Your mailman and your pet hamster Spazmo do NOT qualify as “reliable sources”.

Dear ESPN…
posted by: bengalsfan86
Dear ESPN, your 1500 character limit is bull, please take it off of these boards so that we can have some discussions that aren't limited to 1500 characters per post.

reply by Chat Bastard
bengalsfan86, if you’ll remember correctly, we enacted the 1,500 character limit after your 29,000-word post describing why you would like to have a sex change and bear Carson Palmer’s children. Please do as we encouraged last week and go seek help.

Browns looking??…
posted by: MonroeGuy
Anybody hear of the Browns going after any FA still out there? Just curious because I have this terrible team in a madden league and im hoping to god they pick somebody up soon! Lol

reply by Chat Bastard
I hear that the Browns are looking to move to Baltimore. Wait, they already did, didn’t they?

QB situation
posted by: KillerCowboys01
Bledsoe didn't look that good VS the cardinals this friday. BUT it's only a preseason game and bledsoe has more to prove this year than ever since his awful performance in Buffalo. All cowboy fans should expect an impressive improvement in Bledsoe this year since this is his year to shine with a great running back behind him and plenty of reliable wide recievers, and a top 10 Defense this year.

Reply by Chat Bastard
Hey KC01, I believe that Julius Jones will conjure-up memories of Tony Dorsett, Marcus Spears will conjure-up memories of Ed ‘Too Tall’ Jones, and that Drew Bledsoe will remind all Cowboy fans that you’re still at least a competent quarterback away from returning to the playoffs. BTW, “his year to shine”??? What are you, a homosexual?

I influenced Rice to come here!
posted by: bjeviton25
I live in Seattle and last year I saw Rice at the Fox Sports Grill when he was a Seahawk. I went up to him (after a few beers) and told him that he crushed my dreams as a young Bronco fan in that 55-10 Super Bowl thrashing. He laughed, and when I told him in all honesty I wish he could have played for the Broncos, he gave me a wink and raised his glass to mine. Six months later-pow. Coincidence, I think not. The only question is, what cha got left Jerry?

reply by Chat Bastard
That’s funny, I saw Rice at the Fox Sports Grill when he was a Seahawk, too. I went up to him (also after a few beers) and told him that I had a crush on him and often dreamt of him as a younger man. He laughed, and when I told him in all honesty I wish he could play with my weiner, he gave me a wink and said he already had plans to play with bjeviton25’s weiner later that evening. Coincidence? I think not.

Joe Harrington NOT Joey
posted by: C oomzyfod
Is it just me or is it kind of weird that everyone, including himself, refers to Mr. Harrington as "Joey," instead of "Joe?" I mean Montana wasn't Joey Montana, Nameth never EVER would refer to himself as Joey, So why does "Joey," this City, and this State insist on calling him Joey? To me it just shows he's not a meat and potato's kinda guy. Pu-ssy.

reply by Chat Bastard
You’re right, ‘Joey’ is a pussy name. Not a tough, manly name like Oomzyfod.

I saw Steve McKinney at the movie theater!!
posted by Captain Oi
I didn't say anything, because I really wasn't sure if that was him or not, but I'm pretty sure that it was!!!

reply by Chat Bastard
Oh my God, like, did you almost just like, die, when you saw him?!

posted by: basers
bout an hour left till kickoff....who is up and who is gonna watch it???? YOU ALREADY KNOW ILL BE UP. Got my reggie jersey on right now. COLTS IN 06 baby

reply by Chat Bastard
I’m up. Got my Marvin Harrison jersey on, my Edge dreadlocks wig on, and my Peyton Manning pink Brazilian-cut panties wedged tightly up my ass. Who’s ready to party?!

Fred Taylor predictions
posted by: boschePG
Anyone? Will the knee hold up or will he bounce back?

reply by Chat Bastard
I predict that he will have his lower left leg severed by an ax-wielding punter.

Favre's Addiction
posted by: MARKBRECHTL
I know Favre used to be addicted to Vicodin, or hydrocodone. What do you guys think he takes for pain? Once a vicodin addict, always an addict, its like alcohol, the addiction will stay with you for the rest of your life. Im just curious at to how Favre treats pain. I know he must take something, hes a QB in the NFL, and with the hits they take, they are pretty much in pain the entire season. It has to be something other than aspirin or Tylenol, as these just wont cut it. What do you guys think?

reply by Chat Bastard
I’d love to answer your question MARKBRECHTL, but I am soooo high on vicodin & Southern Comfort right now that I can’t even see straight. As a matter of fact, I’m so f’d up that I can’t even feel the computer keys. As a matter of fact, my dog is actually typing this reply for me. Sincerely, Brett Favre.

Want to verify my tickets are not frauds
posted by: ShmoeTheHo
If possible, could someone either describe what a season ticket to game 4 (eagles) looks like or perhaps post a picture. I'm not sure if these boards can handle attachments but if someone could email a scan to shmoetheho@gmail.com that'd be great.
Thanks guys, I hope I didnt get ripped off.

reply by Chat Bastard
Shmoe, I think I can help. Valid Eagles season tickets are shaped like shamrocks, are mostly pink in color with scattered blue polka dots, and have a watermark of Richard Nixon riding atop a unicorn.

Dolphins new cheerleader……..
posted by: itachi kage
I know you guys have seen the dolphins making the squad cheerleader thing on nfl network. who is that fine curvy sexy latina girl? i think her name is jeanne? what's the last name?
she's a rookie and their stupid site doesn't say her name. anybody know/remember?

reply by Chat Bastard
What are you, some kind of stalker? You leave Jeanne alone! And don’t you even think of calling her on her cell (616-589-9771) or going to her house at 5682 Sandstone Ln.

Viking fans across America-
posted by: UpstateNYViking
Lots of good Viking fans on this message board. And there are Viking fans all over the country. So, where does everybody hail from? I'm really interested to see how many states we have posters from.
Me first. UpstateNYViking is from New York. Duh!
Let's hear from everybody.

reply by Chat Bastard
I’m from Candyland. Wanna lollipop?

Superbowl probabilities
posted by: DocSpike
If you assume the Pats have a 70% chance of winning the division and a 20% chance of making the playoffs as a wild card . . . and if you assume they have a 60% chance of winning each post season game . . . . . then they have a 17.6% chance of winning the Superbowl.
Of course, those are very optimistic assumptions.
If you assume the Pats have a 60% chance of winning the Division and a 20% chance of a wildcard slot . . . and if you assume they have a 55% chance of winning each post season game . . . . . then they have an 11.8% chance of winning the Superbowl.
Give me your assumptions and I'll make the probability calculations.

reply by Chat Bastard
What if I assume you have a 40% chance of landing a date, a 20% chance of landing a date with a woman, and a 5% chance of cashing-in enough Chuck E. Cheese tokens to impress her while on the date?……Then, what would be your chances of ever getting laid?

posted by Saintsfan264
Does Saintsbayboy still post on the Saints board? ummmm, i wonder where he is....maybe i'll check the Rams board out or should i say the Lambs board since thats what he likes to call them.

reply by Chat Bastard
SaintsBadBoy asked me to tell you to please stop leaving phone messages for him. He appreciates all the good times you shared together, and although he did enjoy the bundt cake & smiley face cookies you sent him, it’s over. He’s moved on and so should you. Take care, have a good life, Go Saints.

Jay Fiedler Deserves The Starting Job!!!
posted by: JayFiedler9QB

reply by Chat Bastard
I feel compelled to tell you that those eight words are enough, by law, to have you committed to a state mental hospital for the rest of your life.

posted by Bbradpitt
Looks big and strong, Eli placed the ball in the right spot!!

reply by Chat Bastard
Your pen name is BbradPitt and you just wrote about one man putting a ball in the right spot to another man who “Looks big and strong”. You sir, have officially run out of hetero street cred.

Could ya tell me how Sapp looks so far?
posted by: PreferNFL
Please tell me as I am a big fan from Florida!

reply by Chat Bastard
He looks fat and smelly. Not as fat as your momma, and not as smelly as your sister. But still, fat and smelly.

McNabb looks tired
posted by OldFashionedGuy
I don't watch the Eagles that much but it seems Mcnabb is running out of stamina. Is he always like that?

reply by Chat Bastard
He’s not always like that. Just in the preseason and during two-minute drills at the end of Superbowls.

Wow, what a start!!!
posted by: n stradamus
Anyone watching the whoopin we're putting on the eagles? 2 minutes into the game, we got 14 points and our offense hasn't even touched the ball.(willie williams 12 yard int return, colclough 66 yard punt return).
btw, hines won't play tonight, but he's there. hopefully he has his contract by the end of the week.
talk about a reason for optimism. What a start!

reply by Chat Bastard
Hey n stradamus, shouldn’t you have known this was going to happen?

posted by: 49er for life
September 11 vs St. Louis
September 18 @ Philadelphia
September 25 vs Dallas
October 2 @ Arizona
October 9 vs Indianapolis
October 16 BYE
October 23 @ Washington
October 30 vs Tampa Bay
November 6 vs NY Giants
November 13 @ Chicago
November 20 vs Seattle
November 27 @ Tennessee
December 4 vs Arizona
December 11 @ Seattle
December 18 @ Jacksonville
December 24 @ St. Louis
January 1 vs Houston
After the bye week, the schedule softens up a bit. What do you guys think are the winable games, and overall record?

reply by Chat Bastard
I think they actually have a shot to win a lot of games this year. Maybe not the ones before the bye week and probably not the ones after the bye week, but other than that, the rest are fairly winnable, I’d say.

Life-long Seahawks fan here
posted by: Huff
Grew up in St. Louis, had lived in the KC area from '91 to '03 and have lived in Tulsa for the last 2+ years.
Saturday at an antique shop just south of Tulsa my brother spotted a Steve Largent signed football.
Rather than question its' authenticity or anything, I just trusted it and bought it.
I mean extremely likely there'd be a signed ball down here with him residing in Oklahoma.

reply by Chat Bastard
I happen to know that Largent always signs his balls with “Best of Luck, now leave me the fuck alone, Steve Largent”. If that’s on your football, then you’ve got yourself a winner.

Tabu and IrishRam
posted by: Sideline Sally
Hey, if anybody knows how to get in touch with these 2 friends, please let me know. I really miss keeping in touch with all my other Ram friends from the old site they shut down.
Thanks for your help ya'll!!!

reply by Chat Bastard
Sideline Sally,
Tabu is currently living inside of a cave in Big Bone Lick National Park and IrishRam is renting a room above a Laundromat in downtown Waco, Texas. They are both still under doctors care and their rashes are nearly cleared-up. I will continue to keep you posted.

We don’t need Adam Jones!!!!
Posted by: Bballer2949
His name isnt PAC-MAN its ADAM JONES!!! We dont need this guy, i told you we dont need him back in march and april!!! He is already causing Cancer in the locker room and he aint even in it!! His Teammeates hate him and i wished that we got Mike Williams but NO!! We went with the 5'9, 190LBS, gansta CB out of WV!!!!!!

reply by Chat Bastard
West Virginia has gangstas? I thought they only had redneck racists, like Tennessee?

Skins Uniforms
posted by: cp26invincible
Burgundy on burgundy, burgundy on white, white on burgundy, or white on white?

reply by Chat Bastard
Burgundy on white is very hard to get out. If it happens, try some club soda & then soak for at least an hour in warm water and detergent.

And finally, speaking of Burgundy.....

Tell the truth: How many of you have tasted your own…
posted by: ChargerLad

reply by Chat Bastard
You stay classy, San Diego.

The Matchups

(Thursday Night) Raiders at Patriots

(Saturday) South Carolina at Georgia

Texas at Ohio State

(Sunday) Bears at Redskins

Bengals at Browns

Broncos at Dolphins

Texans at Bills

Saints at Panthers

Jets at Chiefs

Seahawks at Jaguars

Bucs at Vikings

Titans at Steelers

Cardinals at Giants

Cowboys at Chargers

Packers at Lions

Rams at Niners

(Sunday Night) Colts at Ravens

(Monday Night) Eagles at Falcons