Sep 14, 2005
Hotcakes, Cocktails, Mama Squintz' underwear, and Screech's penis
So I’m flipping back and forth between the Falcons-Eagles game on ABC and the NFL Network last night and I just so happened to catch a promo for the NFL Network featuring Bill Cowher. What? Why was I flipping channels during Monday Night Football? I've got five words for you: Dolphins Cheerleaders: Making the Squad . And for the record, if Jeannie- look to the right- doesn't make the cut, I will have lost all faith in humanity. Anyway, in Cowher's NFL Network promo, he comments that he’d like his own show on the network, Bill Cowher’s Power Hour. Funny. But hey, spending an hour watching anyone like Cowher who spits when they talk would be funny, right? Nevertheless, it got me to thinking- what if all NFL head coaches had weekly shows? College coaches do it. College football coaches, college basketball coaches….Have you ever seen Rick Pitino’s weekly show? Holy Christ, what a preening, self-absorbed train wreck- let’s just say that it ranks very high on the unintentional comedy scale. So why not wheel out NFL head coaches onto low-budget sets each week, roll cameras, and have them talk football and show some of their personality? I say, let’s do it! And of course, I just so happened to have come up with a few initial ideas……..
Holmgren & Hotcakes
Seahawks head coach Mike Holmgren talks X’s and O’s while feeding himself syrup-lathered hotcakes at a rate that would choke an average sized wildebeast. Also on camera are leggy Nurse Nancy and a midget ER doctor, both there to monitor the coach’s vital signs as he binges on hotcakes, sausage links, fried eggs, and fatty bacon. The high point each week is in the “Two Minute Drill” wherein Coach Holmgren tries to eat fourteen hotcakes in two minutes. If he can’t do it, beers at Q-West Field are half price at the next home game.
Likely homes: The Food Network or Animal Planet
Tuna & Titties
A topless Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells spins words of wisdom from a different Texas strip club each week. The Tuna not only breaks down game film, but he also breaks it down, learning new striptease moves from the exotic dancers. High point each week comes when Jerry Jones tries to join in the fun and winds up creeping-out the strippers with his Silly Putty face.
Likely homes: Spike TV or FOX.
How to Show Your Emotions, with Dick
Chiefs head coach Dick Vermeil discusses how to win football games and, more importantly, how to win at life by releasing your emotions and sobbing uncontrollably like a little girl. Regular guests include: Tammy Faye Baker, Richard Simmons, Nancy Kerrigan, the design team on ABC’s Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Mike Myers as Linda from the old SNL Coffee Talk skit, and every actress who’s ever accepted an Oscar. Highlight each week comes when Coach Vermeil, tears welling up in his eyes, signs off by saying “when things seem low, and sometimes they will….just keep your chin up and remember….Dick’s here for ya’.”
Likely homes: PAX or Cinemax.
Cocktails with Coughlin
Giants head coach Tom Coughlin talks about football, discipline, and the art of micro-management while sipping martinis at the bar of a local Applebee's. The entertainment routinely comes from Coughlin’s verbal harassment of sidekick Bartender Dave who’s blunders range from serving drinks in glasses that are not perfectly spotless, to taking too long to refresh the peanuts, to misplacing the coach’s reading glasses. High point each week comes when Bartender Dave “accidentally” slips things such as extacy, acid, and anthrax into Coach Coughlin’s martinis. Chaos and occassional medical assistance ensues.
Likely home: public access.
Denny at Denny’s
Cardinals head coach Denny Green gets fatter by the second as he talks pigskin and throws Grand Slam breakfast platters down his bacon hole. Coach Green also takes questions from fans who sit down at his table. The show is taped on Saturdays at 2:30 am, so the clientele at Denny’s includes drunk 21 year-old girls droning on about their “asshole” boyfriends, middle-aged drunken truck drivers lamenting their bad luck, drunk hookers on their lunch breaks, and the mildly retarded who are just lost, tired and hungry.
High point each and every week is when someone inevitably sits down with Coach Green and says, “Wow, you’re even bigger than you looked when you starred on ‘Gimme A Break’.”
Likely homes: The Food Network or BET
This Old Coach
Redskins head coach Joe Gibbs shows that Alzheimer’s is not an excuse for not being productive. He takes viewers on tours of his home, shows off his dye-cast Nascar racecar collection, teaches viewers how to make tapioca “that won’t give you runny poo-poo”, shares the art of “doubling-up” on your adult diapers, and of course, lets us in on the inner secrets of running a once-proud NFL team into the ground. High point of the show is a tie between A) the several times each week when Coach Gibbs suddenly stops and asks the camera man “Who are you? And what are you doing in my house with that camera?” and B) when, each week, Coach Gibbs says the keys to winning the upcoming game is “…the offensive line giving Theisman getting time to throw and Riggins holes to run through.”
Likely homes: PBS or The Speed Channel
Billick on Billick
Ravens head coach Brian Billick discusses his favorite topic: himself. The four-hour weekly program features Coach Billick preening and posturing, showing off his advanced Power Point knowledge, playing Jedi mind tricks on his administrative staff, and generally just making a complete pompous ass of himself. Regular guests include friends Tony LaRussa and Bobby Knight.
High point each week comes when Billick, LaRussa, and Knight end their roundtable discussion and Billick signs off by looking into the camera and saying, “Well, there you have it. Those are our uncontestably correct opinions. I’m sure most of you were not able to comprehend the conversation fully, but that’s okay because just by hearing the sound of my voice, you’ve all grown a little bit smarter. Thanks for watching. Good Night.”
Likely homes: C-Span or The Cartoon Network.
Other possible shows for head coaches in the early stages of production include:
A Day in the Life of a Porn Mustache
Dungy & Dragons
The Romeo Crennel Suicide Watch
Dazed & Confused with Mike Tice
Now, without further ado, the Week Two Matchups………….
(Saturday) Tennessee at Florida-
(Saturday) Miami, FL at Clemson
(Sunday) Ravens at Titans- Is it just me or does Jamal Lewis suddenly seem a step or two slower……….than Sam Adams?
Bills at Bucs- Prediction: one of these teams will be 2-0 and in first place in their respective division at the conclusion of this contest.
Lions at Bears- Over-Under on the number of points the Bears will score this season: 42.
Jaguars at Colts- If Peyton Manning were a girl, his name would be Peyton, right?
Vikings at Bengals- “Culpepper. Palmer. A big blacky versus a big whitey, this Sunday on FOX!”
Patriots at Panthers- Two solid teams, two solid coaching staffs….Kinda like Team Miz vs Team Chip on Battle of the Network Reality Stars. Speaking of which, quite possibly the funniest nine words I heard on television all summer- “And now let's go to Omarossa with the winners..”
Steelers at Texans- Willie Parker??? Are you kidding me??? I want details of Cowher’s deal with the devil on my desk first thing in the morning!
Niners at Eagles- Damn the Niners, Damn T.O., Damn Drew Rosenhaus, Damn them all straight to hell!
Falcons at Seahawks- This just in: Mike Vick is the fastest man alive with a raging case of herpes.
Rams at Cardinals- Well, whaddya know, the Cardinals are the surprise team of the year…..Surprise! You still suck!!
Browns at Packers- The Browns pass defense has more holes in it than a pair of Mama Squintz’ underwear after a long day at the bean festival.
Dolphins at Jets- J-E-T-S!, SUCK, SUCK, SUCK!
Chargers at Broncos- The Mike Shannahan Farewell Tour has commenced!
Chiefs at Raiders- After an 0-2 start, I’m sensing that Disgruntled Randy Moss will be showing up very soon.
(Monday Night) Saints at Giants- “.....On a very special Monday Night Football”
(Monday Night) Redskins at Cowboys- The Redskins offense just might be the least productive scoring unit since Screech’s penis on Saved By the Bell.
Posted by Smitty