Nov 26, 2008
Equal Time to discuss gravy, turkey, bird on bird violence, Andy Rooney, Gary Coleman, Black Caesar, and Al Davis' last wishes
Apparently political talk radio is smoking it’s last cigarette, hands & feet shackled and walking down a long hallway towards a chair with a bunch of straps, some wires and a big metal hat thingy on it. Along the hallway, a mostly wealthy conservative contingent of radio hosts including Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Michael Savage are hollering and rattling metal cups and meal plates against their cell bars in protest of the death sentence. Meanwhile, outside underneath the glare of television cameras, left wingers with homemade signs are eagerly anticipating the flicker of streetlights which would signify the death of their most unyielding nemesis.
The whole scene is where it is right now because of some saber rattling and congressional hallway discussions by leftists like Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and others who are a bit jealous, nervous, and can’t quite figure out why conservative talk radio is successful and liberal talk radio is not. They’ve made some unsettling noise about re-instituting the Fairness Doctrine to level the playing field. And make no mistake, this noise may be more than just noise, and that realization has conservatives collectively pacing a hole in the floor.
So what exactly is this Fairness Doctrine? Well, The Fairness Doctrine is a policy which was mandated by the Federal Communications Commission, requiring radio and television stations to grant equal time to a political candidate, group, etc., to present an opposing viewpoint to one already aired. It was introduced in 1949 and applied on a case-by-case basis until 1974 when the FCC decided that Congress had delegated them the power to enforce it and got all heavy-handed & shit. After thirteen years of the FCC powertrip, Reagan appointed new members to the FCC who repealed the doctrine, stating that "the intrusion by government into the content of programming occasioned by the enforcement of [the Fairness Doctrine] restricts the journalistic freedom of broadcasters ... [and] actually inhibits the presentation of controversial issues of public importance to the detriment of the public and the degradation of the editorial prerogative of broadcast journalists". Effectively, this put the Fairness Doctrine on a dusty shelf in the cellar right in between the National Prohibition Act and the Sedition Act.
Personally, I think the movement to reinstate the FD smacks of a fascist attempt to move to a one-party system and pronounce Obama as the King of the Americas. (To Obama’s credit, word is that he doesn’t want the doctrine or the title, and also realizes that a crown would look kinda silly with his big ears. However, he was quoted as saying that a scepter and robe would be “hella tight”.)
In case Pelosi, Reid and others haven’t noticed, this isn’t the three-network-1950’s and there are plenty of places to get your Liberal, Conservative, Libertarian, or Green fixes- cable television, political blogs, magazines, newspapers, online newspapers, newsletters, YouTube videos, podcasts, satellite radio, flyers posted in the bathrooms of alternative dance clubs, and, of course, am/fm talk radio. No matter what your political, economic, social, environmental, or religious views, there are literally hundreds of outlets for you to plug into. Hell, there’s even a site for Mormon Pro-Choice Libertarians in favor of Gay Marriage, opposed to Clean Energy and ambivalent on Free Trade. The site is www.blacksheepoftheosmondfamily.com
If the liberals want equal time, it’s quite simple: find entertaining liberal show hosts who can somehow convince those who can speak English and afford radios that the liberal agenda is not dangerous morally, economically and militarily to our American way of life. I doubt they'll be able to pull that off, but I also doubt that Obama will want to campaign in four years and have to answer questions about why he silenced his critics by raping the First Amendment. I don’t think he’s that stupid. In fact, I don't think he's stupid at all. But just in case, I will practice incorporating the Fairness Doctrine by presenting this week’s Matchups with time given for dissenting points of view.
Now, on with the matchups….
Titans at Lions-
Nothing says “Thanks” like an 0-12 start. Pass the gravy, Detroit.
Counterpoint: The Lions have an excellent chance of winning this game. Sure they’re a heavy underdog but they’re used to this short week of preparation each November and that should help. Also, gravy is bad for you.
Seahawks at Cowboys-
I’ll likely enjoy this game like I’ve enjoyed all the rest of the Cowboys late afternoon Thanksgiving Day games- sprawled on couch, pants unbuttoned, gravy stain on shirt, semi-conscious due to combined effects of tryptophan and bourbon.
Counterpoint: The senseless and cruel killing of turkeys this time of year for our own gluttonous satisfaction is something about which we as Americans should be ashamed. My family enjoys tofu turkey with breadcrumb stuffing and we never drink around the children. What? No, that’s right, we’re not Catholic. How did you know?
Cardinals at Eagles-
Birds versus Birds on Thanksgiving Night? Genius!
Counterpoint: Bird on bird violence is no laughing matter. I propose we pass legislation to fund psychological testing in our national aviaries and promote a strong public afterschool program for the young birds to help keep them off the streets.
Saints at Buccaneers-
Did you see Drew Brees on Monday Night? Dude was unstoppable. Like Mama Squintz with a fresh plate at the Old Country Buffet. I’m beginning to think that Brees’ facial birthmark gives him mystical powers inside the Superdome. Kinda like the Heroes characters are affected by solar eclipses. Kinda.
Counterpoint: We think Mr. Brees should have that birthmark checked by a dermatologist and Mama Squintz should have her cholesterol checked by her primary physician.
Giants at Redskins-
There’s just something about late-season NFC East games in DC that reminds me of listening to Summeral and Madden while sitting around my grandparent’s living room after a Sunday family dinner.
It also reminds me of Andy Rooney. 60 Minutes always followed the late CBS game and my grandpa loved Andy Rooney. For that main reason, I tended to gravitate more towards grandma.
Counterpoint: Andy Rooney was the smart comedic voice of his generation. His wit, wisdom and insight simply could not be denied. May he rest in peace.
What’s that? Really? Still alive? Jesus, what is he, like ninety five? And still on the air? Wow, well obviously we haven’t watched 60 Minutes in quite a while. Man, that’s crazy.
Hey, what about Wilford Brimley, he still alive?
Niners at Bills-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to Hell!
Counterpoint: God bless the Niners! Just kidding, we hate the Niners, too. F-You, Joe Montana!
Colts at Browns-
Don’t look now but the Colts seem to be getting their shit together. If they can just keep Bob Sanders healthy, they’ve got a decent shot at taking the AFC. And how the hell is Sanders always hurt anyway? Stocky little black dudes never get hurt. They’re like bumper cars. They can bounce off of stuff all fucking day. I remember back in the mid-eighties, Gary Coleman visited our grade school to give some kind of lame "stay off drugs, stay in school" talk. Afterward, a few of us offered him some smokes, took him out to the back playground and beat the snot out of him. And you know what? That little sumbitch wouldn’t stay down. He kept getting up, all pissed off, saying “Don’t make me call Mr. T to come down here”. Finally, after about a half hour, we all got tired and laid down. Arnold simply got up, walked off with our smokes and hopped in a limo. Maybe he should play safety for the Colts.
Counterpoint: We are... without words.
Ravens at Bengals-
Bring on the girls, it’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Counterpoint: Bring on the boys, it’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Panthers at Packers-
I hope Coach McCarthy still has the store receipt for his defensive unit. If he’s lucky, they’ll let him return it for something a little more sturdy, like a pile of matchsticks or a 60” x 72” framed piece of tissue paper.
Counterpoint: The NFL’s return policy clearly states that items must be returned within sixty days of purchase. Coach McCarthy cannot get his money back or even a store credit. We will, however, trade him some slightly damaged plywood in exchange for Al Harris’ dreadlocks.
Dolphins at Rams-
Falcons at Chargers-
The Norv Turner Farewell Tour heads back to San Diego!
Counterpoint: Norv Turner is not soley to blame for the Chargers failures this season. They have a hot & cold redneck quarterback, LT is obviously not completely healthy, and Shawne Merriman is on injured reserve. In our opinion, Norv Turner is just the scapegoat. An ugly scapegoat with an uncanny resemblance to Principal Skinner.
Steelers at Patriots-
Is it just me or are the Steelers basically the cast of a seventies blacksploitation cop movie? You’ve got the chief who wears gold-rimmed shades and leather jackets, a few big, crazy, beefed-up muscle heads, a light-skinned guy who smiles too much cause he’s stealing product from the evidence closet, a token white guy who thinks he’s a brother, and the requisite guy from the islands who’s real quiet and mysterious until the shit hits the fan and he goes apeshit. All that’s missing is some stop-action camera work from CBS and some cheesy catch phrases.
Counterpoint: We see the Steelers more like a wholesome middle-American family. They share with one another the good times and the bad, the heartache and the joy of life in the NFL. They are a beautiful collection of flowers amid the backdrop of a hardened steel town.
Chiefs at Raiders-
Time for this week’s pop quiz…
According to his attorney, what are Al Davis’ wishes for his body when he dies?
a) To be cremated and kept in an urn at his daughter’s house
b) To be buried next to his mother
c) To be cast off into the bay, Viking style, on a burning raft
d) To be preserved in a cryogenic chamber and kept in his luxury box at McAfee Coleseum.
e) To be cremated and sprinkled across Mama Squintz’ love box
Answer: d), then a year later a) for two months, then e)
Counterpoint: We believe Al Davis to be an alien life form and suspect that he, like Keith Richards, cannot be killed.
Broncos at Jets-
J! E! T! S! Suck!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!!
Counterpoint: B! R! O! N! C! O! S! Suck!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!!, SUCK!!!!, SUCK!!!!!, SUCK!!!!!!, SUCK!!!!!!!
Bears at Vikings-
Why in the fuck does NBC have Keith Olberdork on their NFL Sunday Night studio team? And why does the musical number at the beginning of the game feature Faith Hill singing crappy cheeseball lyrics over a Joan Jett song while we’re bombarded with shameless product placements for Sprint? Motherfuck, it makes me want to cornhole somebody with the business end of a post hole digger.
Counterpoint: We like the swarmy sarcasm of Keith Olbermann and Faith Hill makes us feel funny in our happy place. Keep up the good work, NBC!
Jaguars at Texans-
(Extra-heavy sarcasm alert)
At long last, our first MNF game of 2008 wherein both teams are virtually out of playoff contention. You know what this means- we're in for three hours of Kornheiser timidly trying to be clever, Jaworski overanalyzing meaningless action, and lots & lots of Andrea Kremer . Freaking awesome!
Counterpoint: We also expect more than the usual amount of camera time for the home team’s cheerleaders.
Nov 19, 2008
No commentary on the matchups this week (insert applause here). I'm simply too busy with my UCLA application and I'm also being proactive and have begun writing a eulogy for Ryan Fitzpatrick.
Bengals at Steelers-
Texans at Browns-
Bills at Chiefs-
Patriots at Dolphins-
Bears at Rams-
Bucs at Lions-
Jets at Titans-
Niners at Cowboys-
Vikings at Jaguars-
Eagles at Ravens-
Raiders at Broncos-
Giants at Cardinals-
Panthers at Falcons-
Redskins at Seahawks-
Colts at Chargers-
Packers at Saints-
Nov 12, 2008
So I’m working at our parish’s Monte Carlo this past Saturday night and I start thinking, “Why is it that I volunteer my time for all sorts of church fundraisers but I only go to mass twice a year?” Good question. Why raise money for something I hardly ever attend? And more importantly, why don’t I attend? After a few seconds of deep thought, I ultimately concluded what I always conclude- I don’t attend because I just don’t get much out of the mass.
According to my calculations, I’ve sat through somewhere between 1,200 – 1,300 catholic masses in my lifetime. Just how many times can I say the Our Father, the Apostolic whatever, share the sign of peace, hear about Paul’s letters to the Ephesians, or mouth the words to “One Bread, One Body” and actually squeeze any morsel of meaning out of it? It’s like going to see the same film 1,300 times. An art film. Partly in Latin with no subtitles and more than a moderate amount of required viewer participation. I mean, I know how it’s going to end- with me uninspired and dangerously close to falling over asleep and cracking my skull on the pew. That happened to Scott Davis in the sixth grade and it looked painful & embarassing so I'd rather try to avoid that if possible. Anyway, the only difference from one mass to another is the homily, or as I like to call it, Father's Halftime Monologue.
I’ve always had a problem with the homily. Well, not always, I’ve heard a dozen or so in my lifetime that made me shrug & raise an eyebrow, maybe shake my head and concede agreement. But the majority of the time it’s just some common sense rooted in the “Do unto others” lesson and dished out by a man who’s never had to deal with a wife, raise a family, make a house payment, or work at a job that would fire you if you were to found to be sodomizing a twelve year old boy. Not super inspiring. Instead, I get more inspiration and enlightenment from people who get paid to be interesting and thought-provoking. Those who, if they fail in either category, cease to be employed any longer. I’m speaking of authors, screenwriters, playwrights, talk show hosts, speechwriters, joke writers, songwriters, editorialists, and the people who do the in-store advertising for Steak ‘n Shake (I love their fucking placemats).
What can I say; we each are moved by different messages from different sources. Mine just so happen to come from almost everywhere except the church. That doesn’t mean that I disagree with the church. On the contrary, I still hold almost all of the same values and beliefs that were drummed into my head during my formative years. Not that you necessarily care but I’m pro-life, pro-charity, pro-Golden Rule, and anti-anything that violates the Ten Commandments. Except number ten, I mean, that’s just not seemingly possible. And of course number four is obviously tough for me given the whole premise of this entry.
So anyway, back to the original question- “Why is it that I volunteer my time for all sorts of church fundraisers but I only go to mass twice a year?” The answer is actually pretty easy. I do it because I believe in the church community, more specifically, in the good that the church community can do. The charitable works of the church are almost unparalleled and the lessons & loving support of the community can do wonders for our children’s moral compass and sense of belonging. Plus, Monte Carlo night, the festivals, bingo, - they all involve beer, gambling, and a nice handful of milfs. There are more reasons but you don’t really care. Hell, I’d put down $10 worth of leftover Monte Carlo night poker chips that less than three of you are still with me and actually reading this. I’ll put down another $10 that one of you still reading is Mit. What up, Mit? Catholic boys in the HOUUUUSE!!!
Now, on with the matchups….
Jets at Patriots-
Thou shall not retire, unretire, then seek fortune elsewhere. If so, the Lord shall empower an unlikely force to dash your hopes and generally fuck up your world when you stand on the precipice of glory.
Broncos at Falcons-
Thou shall not make it look easy as a rookie quarterback. Unless you are a ginger kid. In that case, the Lord shall give you a pass to make up for creating you as a ginger kid.
Vikings at Bucs-
Thou shall not pose as a purple version of my son. Unless, of course, you are hella-quick, can turn five yard losses into twenty yard gains, and can smack the shit out of dreadlocked defensive backs.
Ravens at Giants-
Thou shall not commit murder.
Raiders at Dolphins-
Honor thy contracts and obligations, that your days may be long upon the land despite any deteriorated mental state or simple loss of thine fucking mind.
Saints at Chiefs-
Thou shall not go for two when thou’s team is just an extra point away from tying the game with mere seconds left on the clock. Remember this, for the Lord likes overtime.
Lions at Panthers-
Thou shall remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. The seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your pool boy, nor your coaches, nor your players, nor your equipment manager, nor your trainers. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.
(The Lions are not only on their way to 0-16, they’re going to fuckin’ heaven.)
Eagles at Bengals-
Thou shall honor thy father and mother. Do not desecrate that which your parents have given you. Shall you find yourself in need of a general manager to help preserve the fruit of your father’s labor, then by all means, hire a general manager. If thou fails to do so, I shall send an inbred militia to your doorstep.
(Oh. My. God.)
Bears at Packers-
Thou shall not bear false witness against da bears. Also, no gay stuff.
Texans at Colts-
Thou shall not claim that everything is bigger in Texas. I am all-knowing and I can tell you that not everything is bigger in Texas. Case in point: penises. Not many black guys in Texas. Penises are much bigger, on the average, in Mississippi and Uganda.
Rams at Niners-
Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to HELL!!!!
Cardinals at Seahawks-
Thou shall not think it’s going to be easy to just waltz up to Seattle and bitch slap the defending division champs. What do you think; they’re just going to lay down on the week Hasselbeck returns to action? Whatev. Oh, and uh, thou shall not steal.
Titans at Jaguars-
I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me. I don’t care if you’re 9-0, Jeff Fisher is not Me. Would I be caught dead with that mustache? Seriously. Yes Gabriel, I remember the muttonchops I sported, but that was in the 70’s. I let a lot of shit slide in the 70’s. I’m telling you, I have not taken the image of Jeff Fisher. And anyone else who thinks tha- Moses, take off the Titans jersey. Fuck, you guys. You know what, ZAP! There you go, now I’ve just made it so they’re gonna lose in Jacksonville. Maybe at about 4:00 this Sunday you’ll finally believe me.
Chargers at Steelers-
Thou shall not deliver cheap shots as a wide receiver. Doing so will elicit a bounty on thine head, a bounty sought by every defensive player in the league as well as my arch angels. Watch your knees, Hines.
Cowboys at Redskins-
Thou shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's. Even his cheerleaders. Okay, maybe his cheerleaders.
Browns at Bills-
Thou shall not take this blog seriously. God, if you’re watching (and I know you are), please do not smite me or deliver plague onto my family, friends or cattle. This is all meant in jest and in no way meant to demean you or disrespect you. May the glory and honor be yours almighty father, forever and ever. And the lesson, as always: I’m an idiot. Seriously, I’m heavily banking on the fact that you have a kickass sense of humor. You like pie, right? Let me buy you a slice of key lime and we’ll talk this out. Actually, let’s hug it out first. No? Okay, the pie, then who knows, maybe hugs.
Nov 4, 2008
With thirty seven percent of precincts reporting, I am calling the State of Confusion for Barack Obama. Senator McCain and Governor Milfy McMilferstein put up a courageous fight but ultimately did not have enough to bring down the slickly packaged political superstar. In this day and age, flash beats substance, coolness beats passion, introspective inaction beats aggression, and image is everything. McCain is George Thorogood, Obama is Kanye West. McCain is Richard Dreyfuss, Obama is Keanu Reeves. McCain is a bowl of Grape Nuts, Obama is a heaping bowl of Lucky Charms. In other words, McCain drinks alone, makes mashed potato models of terrorists and tries to keep his bowels regular while Obama plays to stadium crowds, cruises across the Matrix and is, well, magically fucking delicious.
All of that aside, the question is, will Barry Obama lead us to better days? Will he lead us to the brink of a socialistic state? Will he naively lead us into trouble with our enemies? Will he lead Congress in an inspired version of Papa Was a Rolling Stone and get his freak on with a shitload of new spending, higher taxes, nationalized healthcare and the free speech-muzzling return of the Fairness Doctrine?
(No. Possibly. Likely. Without a shadow of a fucking doubt.)
Whatever shall happen over the next four years, we have two groups of people two blame if it goes horribly wrong. As usual, it’s the same two groups that seem to fuck up everything- the young kids and the old farts.
According to the pouty lip gloss of ABC's Diane Sawyer, nearly seventy percent of voters under the age of thirty voted for socialist senator Barack Hussein Obama. In a related story, nearly seventy percent of voters under the age of thirty listen to Coldplay, drink frappuccinos and still live in their parents’ basements. Meanwhile, only twenty three percent of elderly voters managed to drag their feeble asses to the polling stations to vote for the war-wounded veteran senator from Arizona. Although in fairness, sixty two percent of them tried to get to the polls but nearly two-thirds of them got lost, started weeping, and many were subsequently mugged by some of the under-thirty voters who were making their way home from the polls.
Yep, the elderly and the naive youngsters. One group painfully helpless and the other painfully naive. They're same two groups who have the most trouble operating vehicles without incident. They're the same two groups who are most likely not to have the current responsibilities of raising children and home ownership. They're the same two groups who are most likely to fall for a Nigerian email scam. And now again, they've proven to be the two groups most likely to fall for the deception of the left-leaning media.
So, great....fantastic. We've been force-fed a media concocted empty suit propelled into office by kids who have yet to hold down a full-time job and the inaction of those who can no longer hold down a full-time job. No, this is gonna be great, really.
Now if you will excuse me, I must go talk Johnny B down from his roof. And LIVE FROM CINCINNAT, IT'S Election Night Matchups!….
Broncos at Browns-
Georgia Tech at North Carolina-
Alabama at LSU-
Saints at Falcons-
Titans at Bears-
Jaguars at Lions-
Ravens at Texans-
Seahawks at Dolphins-
Packers at Vikings-
Bills at Patriots-
And now a brief intermission....
Rams at Jets-
Panthers at Raiders-
Colts at Steelers-
Chiefs at Chargers-
Giants at Eagles-
Niners at Cardinals-