Nov 26, 2008
Equal Time to discuss gravy, turkey, bird on bird violence, Andy Rooney, Gary Coleman, Black Caesar, and Al Davis' last wishes
Apparently political talk radio is smoking it’s last cigarette, hands & feet shackled and walking down a long hallway towards a chair with a bunch of straps, some wires and a big metal hat thingy on it. Along the hallway, a mostly wealthy conservative contingent of radio hosts including Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Michael Savage are hollering and rattling metal cups and meal plates against their cell bars in protest of the death sentence. Meanwhile, outside underneath the glare of television cameras, left wingers with homemade signs are eagerly anticipating the flicker of streetlights which would signify the death of their most unyielding nemesis.
The whole scene is where it is right now because of some saber rattling and congressional hallway discussions by leftists like Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and others who are a bit jealous, nervous, and can’t quite figure out why conservative talk radio is successful and liberal talk radio is not. They’ve made some unsettling noise about re-instituting the Fairness Doctrine to level the playing field. And make no mistake, this noise may be more than just noise, and that realization has conservatives collectively pacing a hole in the floor.
So what exactly is this Fairness Doctrine? Well, The Fairness Doctrine is a policy which was mandated by the Federal Communications Commission, requiring radio and television stations to grant equal time to a political candidate, group, etc., to present an opposing viewpoint to one already aired. It was introduced in 1949 and applied on a case-by-case basis until 1974 when the FCC decided that Congress had delegated them the power to enforce it and got all heavy-handed & shit. After thirteen years of the FCC powertrip, Reagan appointed new members to the FCC who repealed the doctrine, stating that "the intrusion by government into the content of programming occasioned by the enforcement of [the Fairness Doctrine] restricts the journalistic freedom of broadcasters ... [and] actually inhibits the presentation of controversial issues of public importance to the detriment of the public and the degradation of the editorial prerogative of broadcast journalists". Effectively, this put the Fairness Doctrine on a dusty shelf in the cellar right in between the National Prohibition Act and the Sedition Act.
Personally, I think the movement to reinstate the FD smacks of a fascist attempt to move to a one-party system and pronounce Obama as the King of the Americas. (To Obama’s credit, word is that he doesn’t want the doctrine or the title, and also realizes that a crown would look kinda silly with his big ears. However, he was quoted as saying that a scepter and robe would be “hella tight”.)
In case Pelosi, Reid and others haven’t noticed, this isn’t the three-network-1950’s and there are plenty of places to get your Liberal, Conservative, Libertarian, or Green fixes- cable television, political blogs, magazines, newspapers, online newspapers, newsletters, YouTube videos, podcasts, satellite radio, flyers posted in the bathrooms of alternative dance clubs, and, of course, am/fm talk radio. No matter what your political, economic, social, environmental, or religious views, there are literally hundreds of outlets for you to plug into. Hell, there’s even a site for Mormon Pro-Choice Libertarians in favor of Gay Marriage, opposed to Clean Energy and ambivalent on Free Trade. The site is www.blacksheepoftheosmondfamily.com
If the liberals want equal time, it’s quite simple: find entertaining liberal show hosts who can somehow convince those who can speak English and afford radios that the liberal agenda is not dangerous morally, economically and militarily to our American way of life. I doubt they'll be able to pull that off, but I also doubt that Obama will want to campaign in four years and have to answer questions about why he silenced his critics by raping the First Amendment. I don’t think he’s that stupid. In fact, I don't think he's stupid at all. But just in case, I will practice incorporating the Fairness Doctrine by presenting this week’s Matchups with time given for dissenting points of view.
Now, on with the matchups….
Titans at Lions-
Nothing says “Thanks” like an 0-12 start. Pass the gravy, Detroit.
Counterpoint: The Lions have an excellent chance of winning this game. Sure they’re a heavy underdog but they’re used to this short week of preparation each November and that should help. Also, gravy is bad for you.
Seahawks at Cowboys-
I’ll likely enjoy this game like I’ve enjoyed all the rest of the Cowboys late afternoon Thanksgiving Day games- sprawled on couch, pants unbuttoned, gravy stain on shirt, semi-conscious due to combined effects of tryptophan and bourbon.
Counterpoint: The senseless and cruel killing of turkeys this time of year for our own gluttonous satisfaction is something about which we as Americans should be ashamed. My family enjoys tofu turkey with breadcrumb stuffing and we never drink around the children. What? No, that’s right, we’re not Catholic. How did you know?
Cardinals at Eagles-
Birds versus Birds on Thanksgiving Night? Genius!
Counterpoint: Bird on bird violence is no laughing matter. I propose we pass legislation to fund psychological testing in our national aviaries and promote a strong public afterschool program for the young birds to help keep them off the streets.
Saints at Buccaneers-
Did you see Drew Brees on Monday Night? Dude was unstoppable. Like Mama Squintz with a fresh plate at the Old Country Buffet. I’m beginning to think that Brees’ facial birthmark gives him mystical powers inside the Superdome. Kinda like the Heroes characters are affected by solar eclipses. Kinda.
Counterpoint: We think Mr. Brees should have that birthmark checked by a dermatologist and Mama Squintz should have her cholesterol checked by her primary physician.
Giants at Redskins-
There’s just something about late-season NFC East games in DC that reminds me of listening to Summeral and Madden while sitting around my grandparent’s living room after a Sunday family dinner.
It also reminds me of Andy Rooney. 60 Minutes always followed the late CBS game and my grandpa loved Andy Rooney. For that main reason, I tended to gravitate more towards grandma.
Counterpoint: Andy Rooney was the smart comedic voice of his generation. His wit, wisdom and insight simply could not be denied. May he rest in peace.
What’s that? Really? Still alive? Jesus, what is he, like ninety five? And still on the air? Wow, well obviously we haven’t watched 60 Minutes in quite a while. Man, that’s crazy.
Hey, what about Wilford Brimley, he still alive?
Niners at Bills-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to Hell!
Counterpoint: God bless the Niners! Just kidding, we hate the Niners, too. F-You, Joe Montana!
Colts at Browns-
Don’t look now but the Colts seem to be getting their shit together. If they can just keep Bob Sanders healthy, they’ve got a decent shot at taking the AFC. And how the hell is Sanders always hurt anyway? Stocky little black dudes never get hurt. They’re like bumper cars. They can bounce off of stuff all fucking day. I remember back in the mid-eighties, Gary Coleman visited our grade school to give some kind of lame "stay off drugs, stay in school" talk. Afterward, a few of us offered him some smokes, took him out to the back playground and beat the snot out of him. And you know what? That little sumbitch wouldn’t stay down. He kept getting up, all pissed off, saying “Don’t make me call Mr. T to come down here”. Finally, after about a half hour, we all got tired and laid down. Arnold simply got up, walked off with our smokes and hopped in a limo. Maybe he should play safety for the Colts.
Counterpoint: We are... without words.
Ravens at Bengals-
Bring on the girls, it’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Counterpoint: Bring on the boys, it’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Panthers at Packers-
I hope Coach McCarthy still has the store receipt for his defensive unit. If he’s lucky, they’ll let him return it for something a little more sturdy, like a pile of matchsticks or a 60” x 72” framed piece of tissue paper.
Counterpoint: The NFL’s return policy clearly states that items must be returned within sixty days of purchase. Coach McCarthy cannot get his money back or even a store credit. We will, however, trade him some slightly damaged plywood in exchange for Al Harris’ dreadlocks.
Dolphins at Rams-
Falcons at Chargers-
The Norv Turner Farewell Tour heads back to San Diego!
Counterpoint: Norv Turner is not soley to blame for the Chargers failures this season. They have a hot & cold redneck quarterback, LT is obviously not completely healthy, and Shawne Merriman is on injured reserve. In our opinion, Norv Turner is just the scapegoat. An ugly scapegoat with an uncanny resemblance to Principal Skinner.
Steelers at Patriots-
Is it just me or are the Steelers basically the cast of a seventies blacksploitation cop movie? You’ve got the chief who wears gold-rimmed shades and leather jackets, a few big, crazy, beefed-up muscle heads, a light-skinned guy who smiles too much cause he’s stealing product from the evidence closet, a token white guy who thinks he’s a brother, and the requisite guy from the islands who’s real quiet and mysterious until the shit hits the fan and he goes apeshit. All that’s missing is some stop-action camera work from CBS and some cheesy catch phrases.
Counterpoint: We see the Steelers more like a wholesome middle-American family. They share with one another the good times and the bad, the heartache and the joy of life in the NFL. They are a beautiful collection of flowers amid the backdrop of a hardened steel town.
Chiefs at Raiders-
Time for this week’s pop quiz…
According to his attorney, what are Al Davis’ wishes for his body when he dies?
a) To be cremated and kept in an urn at his daughter’s house
b) To be buried next to his mother
c) To be cast off into the bay, Viking style, on a burning raft
d) To be preserved in a cryogenic chamber and kept in his luxury box at McAfee Coleseum.
e) To be cremated and sprinkled across Mama Squintz’ love box
Answer: d), then a year later a) for two months, then e)
Counterpoint: We believe Al Davis to be an alien life form and suspect that he, like Keith Richards, cannot be killed.
Broncos at Jets-
J! E! T! S! Suck!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!!
Counterpoint: B! R! O! N! C! O! S! Suck!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!!, SUCK!!!!, SUCK!!!!!, SUCK!!!!!!, SUCK!!!!!!!
Bears at Vikings-
Why in the fuck does NBC have Keith Olberdork on their NFL Sunday Night studio team? And why does the musical number at the beginning of the game feature Faith Hill singing crappy cheeseball lyrics over a Joan Jett song while we’re bombarded with shameless product placements for Sprint? Motherfuck, it makes me want to cornhole somebody with the business end of a post hole digger.
Counterpoint: We like the swarmy sarcasm of Keith Olbermann and Faith Hill makes us feel funny in our happy place. Keep up the good work, NBC!
Jaguars at Texans-
(Extra-heavy sarcasm alert)
At long last, our first MNF game of 2008 wherein both teams are virtually out of playoff contention. You know what this means- we're in for three hours of Kornheiser timidly trying to be clever, Jaworski overanalyzing meaningless action, and lots & lots of Andrea Kremer . Freaking awesome!
Counterpoint: We also expect more than the usual amount of camera time for the home team’s cheerleaders.
Posted by Smitty