.


.

Show me, don't tell me, You've figured out the score...Show me, don't tell me, I've heard it all before...Show me, don't tell me, I don't care what you say...Show me, don't tell me...You can twist perceptions, Reality won't budge...You can raise objections, I will be the judge...And the jury...I'll give it due reflection, Watching from the fence...Give the jury direction, Based on the evidence...I, the jury...Show, Don't tell

Dec 28, 2004

Week 17 Matchups

The NFL's Week 17 is all about wants, needs, and gots'ta haves. It's simple human nature, really. There are things we want, things we need, and things we just Gots'ta Have! Allow me to illustrate: Imagine there's a tasty-looking cheeseburger sitting on a table. You want it, the little Ethiopian girl sitting next to you needs it, but Star Jones shoves both of you aside 'cause she just Gots'ta Have It! Here's another example: Most experimenting college girls want some anal, Johnny B's ex-wife needed some anal, but Mama Squints just Gots'ta Have some anal. You see what I mean? Here's one more: When Uncle Squints sees Star Jones, he wants to masturbate, when he sees Melissa Rivers, he needs to masturbate, and when he sees the Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week (see above link), he's just Gots'ta Masturbate!
It's the same in Week 17 of each NFL season. Some teams, players, and coaches want it, some need it, and some just Gots'ta Have It! This is also true in Pigskin Palooza. Guys who have won a couple of weeks (Yiddy Skyfrog, Uncle Squints), want another win, guys who are close to or currently in the overall lead (Sticky Mitts, LL Cool Wop) need to win, and guys who have been embarassed for sixteen straight weeks (Don Smitty) just Gots'ta Win! Hell, I take that back. Actually, I want to win, need to win, and Gotsta Win! And I'm so confident I'm going to finally pull it off that I'll even list my picks below each matchup. Let's go!


Dolphins at Ravens-
So Nick Saban is in as Dolphins head coach for 2005. Honestly, I was hoping they'd remove the "interim" tag from Jim Bates and let him have a shot. I mean, did you see him on the sidelines of that meaningless game last Sunday night? He wasn't just showing a little passion, he was showing some serious borderline psychotic intensity. He had that Mel Gibson in Ransom look on his face for the entire sixty minutes. Highly comical. Too bad we won't get that look for sixteen weeks next season.

Needs it: Kyle Boller
Wants it: Coach Bates
Gots'ta have it: Jamal Lewis (to delay the highway garbage detail for at least another week)
My pick: Ravens



Steelers at Bills-
Drew Bledsoe is leading a team into the playoffs. Wow, I had that at 75 to 1, just ahead of "David Schwimmer will go on to have a successful movie career".

Needs it: Tommy Maddox
Wants it: Takeo Spikes
Gots'ta have it: My buddy Andy, a Bills fan who just might impale himself on a fence post if Buffalo loses.
My pick: Bills



Bengals at Eagles-
Just three more weeks until the Eagles lose another NFC Championship game!

Wants it: Andy Reid
Needs it: Soon-to-be free agents Rudi Johnson and TJ Houshmadsfgonvw
Gots'ta have it: Former Bengal QB and possibly soon-to-be former Eagle QB Jeff Blake
My pick: Eagles



Browns at Texans-
Poor Terry Robiske. I haven't seen a team quit on themselves this horribly since my cousins Brian and Johnny turned over the Chinese Checkers board after Christmas dinner (and about eight consecutive losses) circa 1981.

Wants it: Dom Capers
Needs it: Terry Robiske
Gots'ta have it: Me, so I can pick up 30 Palooza points
My pick: Browns



Colts at Broncos-
I've come to find out that among Peyton Manning's record-breaking 49 touchdown passes this season, an inordinate number of them were for five yards or less, including the record-tying toss which was a shovel pass. That's like a porn star setting an anal gangbang record but using a whole bunch of dudes with 2-inch weiners and then capping it all off with a love bump from Verne Troyer after he just got back from a long, cold swim.

Wants it: Peyton Manning
Needs it: Jake Plummer
Gots'ta have it: Coach Sheen
My pick: Broncos



Jaguars at Raiders-
In a span of just two weeks, the Jaguars have gone from "the team that nobody wants to face" in the playoffs, to "the team that nobody will have to face" in the playoffs.

Wants it: Al Davis
Needs it: Jack Del Rio
Gots'ta have it: You know that member of Raider Nation who dresses up like Darth Vader? Well folks, this is all he's got. After Sunday, it's nine more months of living in Mom's basement, playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, eating Jack-in-the-Box burgers, and whacking it to some low-grade underage Asian porn. Give the dude this one day, would ya?
My pick: Raiders

Now a quick break for a couple bowl games....

(Capital One Bowl) LSU v Iowa-
I got some inside info about the halftime show for this one. Apparently it's going to involve a bunch of ugly actors dressed like vikings performing a What's in Your Wallet? medley, arranged and choreographed by Paula Abdul. There's also rumored to be some possible nipple-baring by David Spade. Don't miss it!


(Rose Bowl) Michigan v Texas-
When I was a young boy, I often dreamed that I'd grow up to date the Queen of the Rose Parade. I also dreamed of playing shortstop for the Reds, driving the Batmobile, and having a 10-inch penis. I'm currently o-for-4, but I think my penis is still growing.

.....And now, back to the National Football League.......


Chiefs at Chargers-
You know how when you run into some dude you went to school with, some guy who was kind of a putz, and you say "Hi", start talking, and find out that he's got some kick-ass job & making like $200 grand a year, driving a brand new BMW, just built a house next to a golf course, and is married to a former Miss Florida, and you think to yourself, "You've got to be fucking shitting me. Numbnuts is raking in the cache and I'm grinding it at the bank like some fuck monkey. Fuck me!" Then, you get home & call your buddies, tell 'em about Numbnuts, and you all have one of those "Yeah, but he's still a dork" therapy/coping session.
Yeah, well the Chiefs are like you and the Chargers are like Numbnuts.

Wants it: Marty Schottenheimer
Needs it: Gunther Cunningham
Gots'ta have it: According to my college roommate Joe, Marty Schottenheimer's daughter
My pick: Chargers



Niners at Patriots-
It's just like I said back in August- "The San Fransisco Forty Niners are now on the clock."

Wants it: Tom Brady
Needs it: Dennis Erickson
Gots'ta have it: Cal QB and likely #1 overall pick Aaron Rodgers (hoping desperately that he doesn't get stuck in SF)
My pick: Niners



Jets at Rams-
Last week, Mike Martz (aka Mrs. Doubtfire) publicly accused offensive tackle Kyle Turley of not being hurt as bad as he was claiming and also that he was "stealing money" from the Rams by not playing. The 300-lb Turley allegedly reacted to these remarks by threatening to kill Mrs. Doubtfire.
Also last week, Jets quarterback Chad Pennington (aka Mr. Misfire) publicly took the New York sports writers to task for being too subjective about him and his teammates. New York newpapers reacted to this outburst by trashing him on the front pages.
Now, which of these was the worse move- angering a mammoth-sized, tattooed, long-haired, psychologically unstable offensive tackle or angering a bunch of pint-sized, poorly dressed, balding beat writers with severe halitosis and a huge circulation base? I don't know. Honestly, right now I can't stop visualizing Turley ripping Martz' arms off and punching the arrogance out of him. Good times.

Wants it: Everyone involved
Needs it: Chad Pennington
Gots'ta have it: Mrs. Doubtfire
My pick: Rams



Lions at Titans-
Honestly, I'd rather watch old white people dance. Especially if they're doing The Charleston.

Wants it: Billy Volek
Needs it: Joey Harrington
Gots'ta have it: The Lions long-snapper, who, let's face it, is probably playing in his last NFL game.
My pick: Lions



Bucs at Cardinals-
This was originally billed in Arizona as The Battle of the Grammaticas. Now, since Martin and Bill have both been released by their respective teams, fans are upset and are claiming false advertising. Reports out of Puh-hoe-nicks state that no fewer than half of the Cardinals' season ticket holders are demanding their money back for this contest. Cardinal officials say that once they figure out what $39.95 times 17 equals, they will make a decision.

Wants it: Grammatica I
Needs it: Barber II
Gots'ta have it: The 17 other Cardinals season ticket holders.
My pick: Bucs



Falcons at Seahawks-
If the Seahawks win, they'll be the NFC West champs. They currently have just eight wins, and five of them came at the hands of the Niners (2), the Dolphins (1), the Cardinals (1), and the Cowboys (1). Now do you really think they have any shot at the Super Bowl? Shit, they've got a better chance of winning a silver medal in Olympic synchronized swimming.

Wants it: Shaun Alexander
Needs it: Mike Holmgren
Gots'ta have it: Jerry Rice
My pick: Seahawks



Saints at Panthers-
If New Orleans somehow pulls off a miracle here, they're in the playoffs as a wildcard with an 8-8 record. Now.....do you think they have any shot at the Super Bowl? Shit.....they've got a better chance of winning a bronze medal in Olympic synchronized swimming. ( I would've said "silver medal" but everyone knows Seattle would have a serious leg up on them there, given Trent Dilfer's days as a member of the 1989 state champion SoCal Synchro Seamen.)

Wants it: John Fox
Needs it: Jim Haslett
Gots'ta have it: All long-suffering Saints fans
My pick: Saints



Packers at Bears-

Packers! Bears! Who fucking cares?! This Sunday, on Fox!

Wants it: Mike Sherman
Needs it: Lovie Smith
Gots'ta have it: The ghost of Reggie White
My pick: Packers



Vikings at Redskins-
I'll take "Another Late Season Minnesota Meltdown" for $400, Alex.

Wants it: Joe Gibbs
Needs it: Mike Tice
Gots'ta have it: Those sorry-ass dudes who dress up like lady pigs at every Redskins home game.
My pick: Redskins



And finally, here's how you end the regular season in style......


(Monday Night) Cowboys at Giants-
What a terrible year for Tom Coughlin. His team filed a grievance against him in training camp, he made the horrible decision to go with Eli Manning at quarterback in Week 8, his team went from 5-2 to 5-10, and now most of the team has quit on him. The only bright spot was the Week 16 trip to Cincinnati where he spent most of the weekend walking around his hotel room in a two-sizes-too-small bathrobe, sipping martinis, eating stale pizza, and getting some of Mama Squints' world-class hummers.

Wants it: Vinny Testaverde
Needs it: Tom Coughlin
Gots'ta have it: Mama Squints (you have been paying attention all season, right?)
My pick: Giants

Quick side note: Since my picks have sucked horribly all year, for Week 17 I am officially taking the opposite of all my above picks.

Dec 20, 2004

Week 16 Matchups

Do you love football? Do you love Christmas carols? Just in time for Christmas, here's the perfect stocking stuffer for the Paloozer on any Christmas list. Pigskin Palooza Records brings you the roughest, toughest, helmet-smashingest Christmas cd ever recorded:
Hike, the Herald Angels Sing
All your favorite NFL players, coaches, and commentators with their own special renditions of all your favorite Christmas tunes. You get such offerings as this classic from Chris Berman-
"It's beginning to look a lot like.....the frozen tun-dra of Lam-beau fieeeeld..."

Hall of Fame coaches Joe Gibbs and Bill Parcells team up for this lovely melody-
"We'll be home for Christmas,
you can count on us.
We'll be home for Christmas,
'cause both of our teams suck..."

Broncos coach Mike Shannahan-
"All I want for Christmas is some new false teeth, some new false teeth, some new false teeth..."

Oh boy! And that's not all. This cd breaks out the Christmas jams and gets your feet a tappin' .....even in Spanglish. Check out this rooftop-rattler from the Grammatica Brothers-
"No Feliz navidad, No Feliz Navidad,
We kick dee ball reel bad & now we're out of jobs..."

The whole family will be dancing around the tree to such rockers as:
Jeff Fisher's "Rockin' Around the Christmas 'Stache", Jeff Garcia's "Little Hummer Boy", and this treasure from MVP Donovan McNabb-
"I saw Mommy kissing An-dy Reid,
underneath the field goal post last night..."

Oh-ho, you can't get this stuff anywhere else!
Donovan Darius dares you to try this one on for size-
"Robert Ferguson got run over by a Jaguar...."

Former Dolphin running back Ricky Williams-
"Oh Christmas tree,
Oh Christmas tree,
I'd like to smoke your bran-ches..."

Friends, that is just priceless.
Act now and receive this jam-packed on a two-cd set that with your very own special pigskin-bound carrying case and arrive at the tailgate party in style. Zip open the impressive pouch, pop the cd your portable player and blast some holiday cheer across the parking lot. Imagine the joy you'll bring to your fellow tailgaters when they hear Terrell Owens with this instant Christmas classic-
"I'm dreaming of a white......woman,
Just like the one who dropped her robe..."

Speaking of T.O., we even get some Eagle fans in on the act with this one-
"O, Holy Shit
T.O.'s leg is broooo-ken..."

And that's not nearly all! How about some duets-
Jamal Lewis and Ray Lewis team up for "Johnny Law is Coming to Town",
and Dennis Erickson and Sebastian Janikowski also combine talents on this masterpiece-
"For we need a little vodka,
right this very minute,
Give us Stolichnaya,
or a double-shot of Chevez...."

And what would a Christmas cd be without some touching carols that tug reflect the love of the season? Leslie Visser and John Madden snuggle-up on "Merry Christmas Baby", Don Criqui and Mama Squints share body heat on "Your Body is a Winter Wonderland", and here's a great one from Giants' quarterback Eli Manning-
"Well there's no place like Shockey's for the holidays..."

Hike! The Herald Angels Sing is a must-have for any football fan!
Act now, and we'll also throw in a behind-the-scenes DVD that captures all the in-studio recording sessions. You'll see bloopers like Donovan McNabb spilling a bowl of soup on a keyboard, the Grammatica Brothers spraining their ankles trying to dance, Sebastian Janikowski passing out right in the middle of his vocals, and much, much more. You'll even get the much talked about, internet-leaked sex scene starring the unsuspecting trio of Don Criqui, Mama Squints, and Jeff Garcia getting busy in what they thought was a free-from-the-cameras supply closet.

Don't wait, call now! 1-800-PIGSKIN,
That's 1-800-744-7546

Just $22.95, or three easy payments of $7.95 plus shipping and handling, and you'll have everyone dancing around the tree for hours on end.

Hike! The Herald Angels Sing!, a must-have for any football fan or American who considers him or herself a decent human being
Call now!




Alabama-Birmingham v Hawaii (Hawaii Bowl, Friday night)-
What better way to guarantee yourself an appearance in a bowl than to create a bowl game hosted on your island- four hours away from the next closest school. As the Guinness guys would say, "Brilliant!" "Brilliant!".


Connecticut v Toledo (Motor City Bowl, Monday night)-
If you're on the bowl committee for this one, how in the hell do you greet people who trek to this game?
"Welcome to Detroit! Sorry it's 10 degrees outside and the streets are filthy. While you're aimlessly walking around and looking for something to do, try not to step in all the dirty slush. Also, please try not to get mugged. Our research shows that it tends to detract from your experience."



Bears at Lions- So let me get this straight: Win championships, set fires and turn over cars. See a fight on the court, throw beer at the players and storm the court. Lose a game on a botched PAT snap........and you all go home quietly? Detroit is one fucked up city. I was expecting a shooting, a stabbing, or, at the very least, a little concession stand looting to come out of this one. Very disappointing.

Packers at Vikings-
Two huge negative factors colliding here that we need to make note of:
1) Brett Favre in a dome
2) The Vikings in December
Kind of reminds me of the Screech v Horshack celebrity boxing match- just impossible to imagine a winner coming out of it.


Raiders at Chiefs-
All the great taste of a normal NFL game, but without all that pesky defense and post-season overtones.


Broncos at Titans-
Yep, it's official, Jake Plummer is a fuck bag with a rag arm.


Falcons at Saints-
Attention New Orleans Saints:
YOU ARE THE SAINTS. IT IS DECEMBER. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE GIVEN UP, TURNED ON EACH OTHER, AND QUIT ON YOUR COACH WEEKS AGO. PLEASE CHECK YOURSELVES AND ACT APPROPRIATELY BEFORE YOU MESS UP THE WHOLE FRAGILE BALANCE OF OUR UNIVERSE. THANK YOU.



Ravens at Steelers-
Just two weeks until the kickoff of the Jamal Lewis Community Service Tour!



Texans at Jaguars-
People I'd like to see get clotheslined by Donovan Darius:
Dr. Phil, Barbara Streisand, Melissa Rivers, Bill Maher, Ben Affleck, Avril Levine, the Baldwin Brothers (except for Stehen), Rosie O'Donnell, Paul Begala, and...... Donovan Darius.


Giants at Bengals-
I honestly don't have the strength. I need something to ease the pain.
Oh, here we go- Check out the Pigskin Palooza Cheerleaders of the Week (see above link).


Chargers at Colts-
Over/under on Peyton Manning breaking Marino's single-season touchdown record in this game: 3 to 2.
Over/under on the record breaking pass occurring in the first quarter: 2 to 1.
Over/under on the record breaking pass being caught by Marvin Harrison: 3 to 1.
Over/under on Chris Berman not saying "The Bolts are at the Colts" during the ESPN pregame extravaganza: 82,000 to 1.


Bills at Niners-
Damn Takeo! Damn him straight to hell!!!


Patriots at Jets-
So, that's how Tom Brady plays without a lead.



Cardinals at Seahawks-
The NFC West could very well be the worst four-member outfit since Joey, Danny, Donny, and Jordan were hangin' tough as the New Kids on the Block, circa 1989.
(Yes, I know their names. No, I'm not gay.)

PS: I think the Seahawks are most like Jordan.
(Still not gay.)


Panthers at Bucs-
Rebound Game for both teams. They each had their hearts broken and dreams shattered last week- the Panthers in an overtime loss in Atlanta, and the Bucs in a last minute defeat at the hands of the Saints. Now they meet just looking for someone nice who will listen to them & provide companionship.


Redskins at Cowboys-
Zzzzzzzzzzz.



Browns at Dolphins-
Holy fuck, somebody's getting fired for scheduling this one. This could be the worst prime-time matchup since the Donny & Marie Variety Hour. This baby's been sitting on the ESPN programming calendar for weeks, just looming there, no one wanting to look at it but everyone knowing it's not going away. Kinda like when you catch a glimpse of the social calendar your wife keeps for you that hangs on the inside of one of the kitchen cabinets, and you see a note about a dinner party with some of her annoying friends. You know you're not getting out of it but you just ignore it & hope someone comes down with the flu and it gets cancelled. Only it never gets cancelled. Ever.
Here are some survival tips for Patrick, Theisman and McGuire: Drink modestly and try not to say anything that will get you in trouble. And if things get too boring, try faking a case food poisoning.



(Monday Night) Eagles at Rams-
Sure, T.O. sprained his ankle, broke a leg bone, and is out for the remainder of the season. but more importantly, a record was set in Philly last Sunday. When T.O. limped off the field, 65,000-plus Eagles fans set the record for most people in the same venue to simultaneously shit their pants. This shattered the previous record set by the 30-40 white people in attendance at last year's Vibe Awards when the fighting broke out.

Merry Christmas,
West Si-eeeede, out!


Dec 14, 2004

Week 15 Matchups

Thanks to my home computer suffering a "Minnesota Vikings in December" type of meltdown, this week I am coming to you LIVE! from work. For those of you who don't already know, I work in a bank. For those of you who have never worked in a bank, trust me when I say this, it's like putting on a tie and sitting in the epicenter of Hell. On a good day, it's boring, excruciating, mind-numbing, and devoid of any redeeming intellectual, spiritual, or creative moments. Banks are neither a fun nor a cool place to be. Anybody who tells you they had fun while in a bank is either a) Lying or b) Recalling a time they brandished an automatic rifle, pulled on an ex-President mask & helped Patrick Swayze throw stacks of cash into duffel bags. Every single workday, I feel like Johnny Utah in the climactic robbery scene- standing in the middle of the bank, no mask on, wishing he was anywhere but the bank, and wishing he could just beat someone's ass & get back to the beach. So please excuse me if my creativity suffers this week but my only sources of motivation at the moment are a handful of fifty-something, life-sure-has-gone-fast-and-beat-me-with-an-ugly-stick tellers, the faint sound of CNN fn coming from the lobby television, a few hundred free pens, and an already-dying poinsettia plant which is crowding my desk. Not cool. Not cool at all.

Speaking of cool, I had a conversation recently with one of you Paloozers about what makes something cool. We wondered aloud whether it's simply the ability to appear self-assured, or maybe it's displaying grace under pressure, maybe it's independent thinking, or inner peace, devout loyalty, not being afraid to be different, unique creativity, or maybe it's a combination of all of the above. Who knows. I'm not smart enough to figure it out and neither is the Paloozer I was discussing this with. I'm not going to tell you who he is, but let's just say that his name rhymes with "Donny Lardcocks". We didn't arrive at any answers but the conversation did get me thinking (which is more than I can say for the bank) and I got to thinking further about how everything in this world can be tossed into one of four categories. That's right, everything you do, everything you see, hear, smell, taste, touch, and fondle can be assigned one of the following tags. Everything is either Cool, Not Cool, Hot, or Not Hot.
Free beer- Cool
$5 watered-down beers at the ballgame- Not Cool
Natalie Portman- Hot
Natalie from Facts of Life- Not Hot

You get the idea.

This is breaking life down to its' simplest. It's a new survival of the fittest, a Darwinism for the 2001st century if you will. Everything that's Cool or Hot succeeds & survives and everything else fails & dies. For us to survive and succeed we just need to put everything into it's appropriate box, then surround yourself with the Cool and Hot boxes and put the Not Cool and Not Hot boxes out with the trash. From here forward, that shall be what drives me. Goodbye Honda Accord, hello Mustang GT. Goodbye neckties, hello pucca shells. Goodbye banking job, hello professional gambling. Now, let's start filling those boxes.......



Steelers at Giants-
Cool: Being the 3rd quarterback taken in the draft and starting off 10-0
Not Cool: Being a spoiled brat on draft day and starting off 0-5

Hot: Jennifer Garner in some skin-tight yellow pants
Not Hot: Jerome Bettis in some skin-tight yellow pants



Panthers at Falcons-
Cool: Going from 1-7 to 6-7
Not Cool: Starting out 1-7

Hot: Rubbing Vicks Vapo Rub on Lindsay Lohan's chest
Not Hot: Rubbing linseed oil on Mike Vick's chest




Texans at Bears-
Cool: Last name Smith
Not Cool: First name Lovie

Hot: The cast of Chicago, except for Richard Gere
Not Hot: The cast of An Officer and a Gentleman, including Richard Gere




Vikings at Lions-
Cool: Having a 260-lb strong armed quarterback
Not Cool: Having your 260-lb strong armed quarterback stand by and watch while your 150 wide receiver throws a game-killing interception with a minute to go

Hot: Watching Jenna Jameson rub her G-spot
Not Hot: Watching Mike Tice rub his bald spot




Jaguars at Packers-
Cool: NFL Films' John Fascenda saying "The frozen tundra of Lambeau Field".
Not Cool: Chris Berman saying "The frozen tundra of Lambeau Field".

Hot: Bo Derek's wearing nothing but her hair braids
Not Hot: Al Harris wearing nothing but his hair braids


Saints at Bucs-
Cool: Skull & bones flag on the helmet.
Not Cool: French floral symbol on the helmet.

Hot: The Villanueva Twins, who just so happen to be our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleaders of the Week! (see above link).
Not Hot: The Barber twins, the Grammatica twins, and those twin motivational-speaking, real estate guru midgets



Seahawks at Jets-
Cool: Being a fireman
Not Cool: Being set on fire

Hot: Letting a good-looking girl sit on your shoulders so she can see over the crowd
Not Hot: Letting a retired fireman sit on your shoulders so he can lead some lame cheers



Redskins at Niners
Cool: The old Joe Gibbs
Not Cool: The new Joe Gibbs

Hot: The old Joe Gibbs
Not Hot: The new Joe GIbbs



Cowboys at Eagles-
Cool: Going to three straight NFC Championship games.
Not Cool: Losing three straight NFC Championship games.

Hot: Mama McNabb taking a bath in a tub full of Chunky Clam Chowder
Not Hot: Andy Reid eating out of Mama McNabb's tub full of Chunky Clam Chowder



Bills at Bengals-
Cool: Handing the ball back to the official
Not Cool: Doing the "Squirrell"

Hot: Doing the "Squirrell" with a Ben-Gal
Not Hot: Doing a squirrell with a Bengal



Chargers at Browns-
Cool: Having a college roommate bang Marty Schottenhiemer's daughter in the next room.
Not Cool: Having a daughter banged by one of Smitty's former college roommates.

Hot: Having sex with a college co-ed
Not Hot: (According to my former roommate Joe) Having sex with Kristin Schottenheimer



Rams at Cardinals-
Cool: LA Rams, St.Louis Football Cardinals
Not Cool: St. Louis Rams, Arizona Cardinals

Hot: Tori Spelling wearing nothing but a bag on her head
Not Hot: Torry Holt wearing nothing but Tori Spelling



Broncos at Chiefs-
Cool: Flipping touchdown passes in front of the home crowd
Not Cool: Flipping the bird at the home crowd

Hot: A Korean whore taking out her teeth to service you
Not Hot: Mike Shannahan taking out his teeth to service you



Titans at Raiders-
Cool: Having your balls tickled by Tennessee native Dolly Parton
Not Cool: Having your balls tickled by Jeff Fisher's cookie duster

Hot: Pamela Anderson sneaking one through the uprights
Not Hot: Gary Anderson sneaking one ghrough the uprights



Ravens at Colts-
Cool: Breaking Dan Marino's single-season touchdown record
Not Cool: Peyton Manning breaking Dan Marino's single-season touchdown record

Hot: Juliette Lewis and Ananda Lewis in a hot, sweaty, naked full-body hug
Not Hot: Jamal Lewis and Ray Lewis in a hot, sweaty, naked full-body hug



(Monday Night) Patriots at Dolphins-
Cool: Swimming with dolphins
Not Cool: Swimming with Bill Belicheck

And just in case you thought I might have forgotten about Mama Squints this week.....

Hot: Getting one of Mama Squints world-famous rim-jobs
Not Hot: Getting one of Mama Squints world-famous rim-jobs while Squints is downstairs yelling, "Mom! Where did you put the leftover tuna casserole?"

Dec 7, 2004

Week 14 Matchups

So Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi have been taking the juice. Has there ever been a bigger "No Fucking Kidding" story in the history of sports? When a guy gains 30 pounds of muscle in three months and his cranium swells to the size of a medicine ball, odds are he's swallowing something you won't find on the team's normal dinner buffet. The only dude I know of who can add that kind of strength that fast just by eating healthy is Popeye, and I still have my suspiscions as to what was in that fucking pipe.

Nevertheless, this is simply a case of finding out what we already knew- Bonds is juiced, Giambi is juiced, and so are probably fifty more guys just in the AL East alone. Not really a big scoop here. I imagine I'll feel the same way when O.J. finally confesses, or when Michael Jackson finally admits to having "more than a little work done", or when Clay Aiken finally admits that he's "not really into girls", or when Demi Moore admits that she's suffering from some freaky mental illness that causes her to want to date young, no-talent hack actors who wear trucker hats. I'll feel.....nothing. Well, maybe a little sense of relief that it's finally out there in the open, kinda like when you're holding in a fart at a dinner party, excuse yourself from the table, and slowly let it out as you crop-dust some poor schmuck's hallway. Nothing to high-five about, but it does put a little hop in your step.
(Quick sidenote #1: Speaking of trucker hats, it is my strong belief that they should only be worn by redneck truckers- so we can easily spot them in a crowd- and by hot chicks, who quite frankly should be allowed to wear anything they want as long as it doesn't cover up too much skin. A good example of the proper use of a trucker hat can be found in the person of Vida, our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week- see above link. Quick sidenote #2: Funniest four words I've heard this week- Clay. Aiken. Christmas. Special.)

Now the latest is that people from coast to coast are apparently screaming for Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi's names to be changed to Barry Bonds* and Jason Giambi*. The people want action, people want punishment, people want asterisks! Quick, grab your torches and head for the commissioner's office! Slow down. Before we discount the roid-enhanced achievements of these guys, let's all check ourselves for a minute. If we are to place an asterisk next to their numbers, don't we also have to place one next to everyone else who's ever been caught cheating in the game? Spitballers and bat-corkers beware! How does Gaylord Perry*, Julian Tavarez*, Sammy Sosa*, and Chris Sabo* strike 'ya?

Listen, guys are always looking for an edge on the competition, whether it be a little vaseline on the ball, some superballs inside the bat, a larger-than-regulation sized glove, whatever. Is it right? No. But it also isn't right, or necessarily fair, that some ballparks are larger than others, or that some teams cut their infield grass lower, or set their mounds higher, or that one league has the DH and the other doesn't, or that one particular field is set in an altitude that more closely resembles the moon than it does the earth? If we are going to take unfair advantages away, then we better buy a large bag of asterisks to put behind the names of every player who's ever called Coors Field their home. Unfair advantages have always been a part of the game and always will be. So the problem with steroids isn't prmarily that they give an unfair advantage, the problem is that they send a dangerous message to the kids who idolize the Bonds' and Giambi's of the game. Bonds, as much as he doesn't want to be a role model to kids (or even his own teammates), he is a role model, if for no other reason than for what he's been able to accomplish on the field. And for that reason alone, MLB needs to send the message to the future of the game. They owe it to all the little leaguers, high schoolers and college players to educate them on the dangers of this crap and to tell them, through punishments to Bonds, Giambi, and anyone else found guilty of being users in this case, that if you mess with this crap, you will lose money, you will lose respect, and you may lose your life. And if you don't believe them, just talk to the Caminiti family.

Anyway, while it is very important for baseball to deal with this properly, for me, this steroid story is really nothing more than yesterday's news on today's front page. Personally, I want something shocking on the front page. God bless Denny Neagle for giving it a good shot with that $20 hooker in his car, but we need something even bigger. I want to read about a baseball player who gets caught screwing the owner's wife, or two pro lady golfers caught "playing in the rough" on the 19th hole, or a pro bowler with his dick caught in his ball's thumbhole, or surfer who gets caught humping a sea turtle, or an NFL referee getting arrested for selling smack to Don Criqui, something that makes me lift Mama Squints' head off of my lap, sit up, and say "Holy Shit!"
In the meantime, I'll just have to immerse myself in Cops, Celebrities Uncensored, Inside Edition, the latest Paris Hilton home movies, and, of course, the weekly Matchups.....



James Madison at William & Mary (Yes, seriously.)-
I'm sure you all are familiar with James Madison, "Jimmy Mad" as his pals called him, the fourth president of the United States. But you may not be familiar with William & Mary.
There are two theories regarding the namesakes of this Virginia college. The prevailing theory is that it is named after William III (William of Orange) and Mary II, the last ruling monarchy in that Great Britain. William and Mary were first cousins who were forced to marry despite the fact that there was a twelve-year age difference between them, and the fact that Mary found William repulsive, and the fact that William was getting it on with Elizabeth Villiers, one of Mary's closest friends. You see, preservation of the royal bloodline was simply too important to let these petty (and borderline illegal) details stand in the way. Luckily for everyone, William and Mary bore no children. Unluckily, Mary died from smallpox at the age of 32 and William died eight years later, in 1702, after being thrown from his horse, named Lucky.
The other theory, the one a little less prevailing, is that the college is named after William and Mary Foo-Yung, the first web-footed Korean immigrant midgets to legally marry in the Commonwealth of Virginia. As the story goes, they escaped as a sideshow act from a traveling carnival, hopped in an empty car on a south-bound train along the Norfolk Railroad, exchanged vows in front of a Justice of the Peace, opened up a combination nail salon/convenience store and raised 12 children, one of whom grew up to invent those little paper umbrellas you put in foo-foo drinks.


Sam Houston State at Montana (still serious)-
The Kats versus The Grizz. Seriously, SHS is nicknamed the Bearkats and have the abbreviated "Kats" on their helmets, while Montana calls themselves the Grizzlies and have the abbreviated "Grizz" on the sides of their helmets.
Finally, hip-hop has found its' way to the Big Sky Conference!


Bears at Jaguars-
Please read this next sentence very slowly........
The Chicago Bears are still in the NFC wildcard picture.
You may now go to the window to check for swarms of locusts.


Browns at Bills-
Call me stupid but I have to believe that Terry Robiske is wielding less control than an elderly white female substitute sixth grade social studies teacher at Winton Place Elementary.


Saints at Cowboys-
The Jim Haslett Farewell Tour makes a stop in Dallas!


Raiders at Falcons-
When asked about his son's Atlanta Falcons getting shalacked by the Bucs last weekend, Jim Mora Sr replied, "I know what you're doing, I know you want me to say it, I'm not stupid.........I'm not going to say it.................Seriously, you can quit staring at me 'cause it ain't going to happen...........Just go away already, leave me alone..........Dammit, leave!.................I said LEAVE!..........Okay Goddammit, Diddly-Poo!, Diddly Fucking Poo! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!"


Bengals at Patriots-
Corey Dillon, meet Karma. Karma, meet Corey Dillon.
Personally, I think that about an hour before the game, the Bengals should announce that they are retiring the Number 28, in honor of the formal Bengal great runningback........ Harold Green. Then slap some #28 stickers on their helmets just to fuck with him.


Colts at Texans-
Where in the hell does Vegas start setting the OVER in games involving the Colts? 60? 65? 70? They're playing so well, it's hard to imagine how Tony Dungy is going to fuck it up this time. Just for the record, I've got "Clock Mismanagement in the AFC Championship game" in the office pool.


Giants at Ravens-
Eli looks great, doesn't he? A few more weeks of this and big brother Peyton will be visiting him at work, yelling "Cut That Meat!, Cut That Meat!"


Niners at Cardinals-
This Sunday is "Sit Where You Want Day" at Sun Devil Stadium!


Seahawks at Vikings-
The Mike Holmgren Farewell Tour rolls into Minneapolis!


Dolphins at Broncos-
I read that Heather Mitts (US olympic soccer player, super hottie, Cincinnati native) is dating A.J. Feeley.
Now that's just fucked-up. I think I'd feel better about it if she was dating A.J. Foyt.


Jets at Steelers-
My sources tell me that the terms to Roethlisberger's deal with the devil were as follows: Four years, 44 wins, one Super Bowl ring, two Pro Bowls, and a sandwich named after him, in exchange for his soul, his first-born son, and ten bags of Chuck Burgers.
(......and I probably lost everyone except Mit with that one)


Bucs at Chargers-
Speaking of Oxford, Ohio, have I ever told you about the time that an old college roommate of mine banged the hell out of Marty Schottenheimer's daughter?

Yes US, that was a rhetorical question.


Lions at Packers-
Just a thought here, but when Brett Favre retires, I think the Packers should change their name to the "Packres" in his honor.


Rams at Panthers-
What's the difference between a good coach and a bad coach?
A good coach: One who revives his team from a 1-6 start and the loss of three of his best offensive players to get his team to 5-7 and back in the playoff hunt.
A bad coach: One who is named Mike Martz.


Eagles at Redskins-
I've always heard that sports fans in Philadelphia are the worst but I'd never had any first-hand knowledge of this..........until now. You see, yesterday I found out that a guy I work with, named Don, grew up in Philly. Upon discovering this, I said, "I guess you had a good time watching the Eagles blow out the Packers last Sunday, huh?"
Now, the normal response to such an obvious question would be something like "Yeah, that was great" or "Yeah, they're on fire" or "Yeah, it was fucking awesome!", right? But what do you think I got from Philly Fan Don? I got, "It was the most boring game I've ever fucking watched. I don't like their offense, I like watching the defense. The defense was so-so."
It was at that point that the rest of us decided we had no choice. Don is now resting in a rolled-up carpet somewhere underneath the I-75 bridge.


(Monday Night) Chiefs at Titans-
Twenty two teams still have a legit shot at the playoffs. And none of those twenty two are playing this Monday night.
Remember: You can catch Las Vegas, 9pm EST on NBC!

Nov 29, 2004

Week 13 Matchups

Before I begin, there's an interesting piece of information that I want to share with you. As you know by now, last week was a record-setting week for Pigskin Palooza. Sticky Mitts put up 178 points, shattering the old record by of 160, formerly held by Matty Rogaine. Almost as impressive was LL Cool Wop's 172 points which put him in second-place for the week and vaulted him into the overall year-to-date lead. As I said, you already knew all of that. But what you may not know is this: Mit correctly predicted 16 of the 18 games, with Houston (worth 14 points) as his Porker, while LL correctly predicted 15 out of 18 with Dallas (also worth 14 points) as his Porker. Both Mit and LL missed on the Seattle/Buffalo game and the Denver/Oakland game. The only game they picked differently was San Francisco/Miami. Mit picked the Dolphins, LL picked the Niners.
That's some crazy shit. And, I'm guessing that I'm now not the only one who hates the fucking Niners.

Aside from that, I don't really have anything in particular on my mind this week, but I did want to share with you something that I engaged in over the weekend. What did I do? Well, I got me a little culture. That's right, I hung out with the upper-crust, the elite, the powerful, the movers, the shakers, the.....the.....the ultra fucking boring of our fair city. In short, I went to the Arronoff Center.

I went with Mrs. Smitty to see Miss Saigon Saturday night. Not a bad time, actually. Luckily, there were just enough bad toupees, eccentricly-dressed old rich guys, and hot, rich, scantily-clad chicks to keep me entertained. As far as the show, well, they sang, they acted, they sang, they sang some more, they sang some more, then they sang some more....... Well, here- just in case you have to go see it someday, accidentally fall asleep halfway through and need to prove to the wife that you really weren't asleep but just "resting your eyes", here's the Cliff's Notes version of what happens: It's 1973, American soldier gets drunk in Vietnam bar while on leave, army buddy buys him a virgin South Vietnamese whore (seriously), soldier and virgin whore fall in love during the $50 fuck, soldier gets shipped back to the States, whore secretly has his baby, whore kills Vietnamese general, whore moves to Bangkok, whore goes back to whoring, soldier marries a white girl, soldier soon finds out about secret baby & goes to Bangkok, whore finds out about white wife, whore shoots herself, boy goes back to the States with Dad, learns to play golf, grows set of extra-large teeth, eventually becomes the top golfer in the world, and finally hooks up with some Swedish broad who ruins his game. The end.

Now, on with the Matchups.........

Virginia Tech at Miami-
The following is taken directly from the University of Miami Athletics official website:
Run Through The Smoke With The Hurricanes
"Miami fans have the special opportunity to bid for the chance to "Run Through The Smoke" at the Official Hurricanes Auction. Charge the field with the Canes as they face Virginia Tech on Saturday, Dec. 4 at the Orange Bowl with the ACC Championship on the line."
Ironically, "Run Through The Smoke" is also the theme for the team's traditional Reefer Festival, held every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday on the third floor of the player's dorm. Everyone is encouraged to bring munchies, a white girl, and plenty of ruphenol.


Michigan State at Hawai'i-
Here are just a few of the names off of the University of Hawai'i roster:
Maneafaiga, Poumele, Kapanni, Kelikipi, Shiramizu, Kamakawiwo'ole, Faga, Fuga, Monteih, Elimimian, Faimealelei, Kalilimoku, Tantofi, Ho'ohuli, Kaonohi, and Tuioti-Mariner.
If there is a god in heaven, Don Criqui will be in the booth for this one.


Cardinals at Lions-
Hey, have you heard the exciting news? John Navarre gets the call at quarterback for Arizona this Sunday! Not so much because he's good, but more because Josh McCown sucks raw goat feces.
Happy Holidays, Cardinals fans!


Falcons at Buccaneers-
The word out of Tampa is that Martin Grammatica is in Coach Gruden's doghouse. And just in case you were wondering; No, he does not have to duck when he enters the doghouse.


Bills at Dolphins-
In case you hadn't already heard it 872 times already.....
"Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills."
And nobody circles the breakfast buffet at the Bristol IHOP quite like Chris Sperman. Fat comb-over cartoonish cocklicker.


Panthers at Saints-
If NFL head coaches were animals, Jim Haslett would be a cockroach. Seriously, I think he's going to have to murder an immediate family member of the owner in order to get fired.
And correct me if I'm wrong here, but I believe that he's also the only head coach whose hair is precisely the same color as his team's helmet.


Bengals at Ravens-
Here's a lesson from Chad Johnson to all the kids out there: If you jump in the air & tuck yourself into the fetal position to avoid a hit, only to wind up looking like a pussy and kicking the ball off of your knee right to the nearest defender (who's 10 yards away from you), just act like you had a concussion & can't remember anything. But, and here's the really important part- make sure that your coach doesn't tell the media that you were fine & then rolls his eyes in response to your claim. That kinda messes it all up for ya.
You know, I honestly thought that guys with 14-karat grills were tougher than that.


Texans at Jets-
The Jets survived three weeks with Quincy Q.B. at the helm, going 2-1 during that span, and now they've got Pennington back for the stretch drive. As my dyslexic friend and Jets fanatic Larry would say, "S-T-E-J, STEJ!, STEJ!, STEJ!!!


Vikings at Bears-
Earlier this week, the Bears signed Jeff George (yes, that Jeff George) to join their cast of quarterbacks. When I heard this, I couldn't help but immediately recall the line from Dumb & Dumber where Jim Carey comes riding up to Jeff Daniels on a moped and Daniels yells, "Just when I thought you couldn't be any more stupid, you go and do something like this.....AND COMPLETELY REDEEM YOURSELF!"
Good times in Chicago. Good times. Good Times, hey, wasn't that show set in Chicago? Man, what a show that was. The original Dave Chappelle, a big-breasted sista, a militant little brutha with an afro helmet, a bad-ass dad, a fat-ass mom, a tenement whore neighbor, a bumble-fuck super, and a cute little girl who would someday file down her nose, pump up her boobs, and single-breastedly send the FCC into a full-scale crusade. Good times, indeed.


Patriots at Browns-
Man it must suck to score 48 points in a game and still lose. T
hat'd be like racking up, oh, say, 172 Palooza Points and not winning the week.


Niners at Rams-
I'll say it for you, LL: Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to hell!!!!


Titans at Colts-
Am I the only one rooting for Peyton Manning to suffer a compound dick fracture right before he breaks Marino's record?
(And yes Danny, I know that kind of injury is impossible. Believe me, if it was possible, I surely would've suffered one by now, what with the crazy way Mama Squintz contorts and thrusts. Sometimes, when we're doing it doggie-style, I honestly think that she's gonna push back so hard that she'll send me right through the stall door.)


Broncos at Chargers-
The most under-achieving and over-biting team in the AFC this season: Coach Sheenahan's Denver Donkeys.....


Chiefs at Raiders-
.....Uh, scratch that. The most under-achieving team in the AFC this season has got to be the Kansas City Chiefs. Despite adding a whopping ONE new starter to last year's horrid defense, surprisingly, that side of the ball hasn't been much better. You might say their defense is leakier than Vermeil's adult diaper after a day of grab-ass with Mama Squintz. You might say that. And I think I just did.


Packers at Eagles-
So Brett Favre has started 200 games in a row, big deal. I've watched over 250 straight Bengal games.
Now I ask you: Which one of those is tougher?


Giants at Redskins-
Coach Gibbs, Dr. Kevorkian is on line 2.


Steelers at Jaguars-
The Steelers may be hot, but their not as hot as our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleaders of the Week! (see above link)


(Monday Night) Cowboys at Seahawks-
Unless ABC plans to hire Halle Berry, Beyonce, & Carmen Electra and parade them around as naked sideline reporters, I ain't fucking watching this game. Give me the bimbos- Las Vegas, 9pm on NBC!

Nov 21, 2004

Week 12 Matchups

It's Thanksgiving Week, a time to count our blessings and take notice of all that we have to be thankful for- our health, our families, our friends, our freedom, our rugged good looks, our 11-inch monster meat hogs, our swimsuit model wives, our shoe contracts, our.......Dammit, I'm having that daydream again where I'm Shaq and I'm hanging out with Jay Z & Nelly. I love that dream. Always ends with me (Shaq) banging Beyonce on the deck of my yacht while Jay Z and Nelly are down in the hull sleeping off a magnum of Cristal with a big-breasted Costa Rican coke whore named Cuchiana and her Swedish friend named Mrs. Tiger Woods.
As I was saying, Thanksgiving is a time to, well, give thanks. Just like the early American settlers sat down and gave thanks for the abundance of food, the fresh water, the beautiful land, their new indian friends, and most of all, for their new indian friends' complete ignorance regarding property values, so should we give thanks for all that we are blessed with. And since one of the most important of these blessings is the game of football, I figured, Hey, what better way to share this national holiday than to peek in on the NFL's first family, the Mannings, as they celebrate Thanksgiving at their family home in New Orleans. Let's check in on their holiday, already in progress...........

Mrs. Manning: Oh bo-ooys!, Archie!, Dinner's ready!
Peyton: It's about time, I'm starving.
Eli: I get the chair by the window.
Peyton: No way, I do.
Cooper: No, I'm the oldest, I get first dibs.
Archie: Would you three shut the fuck up?! As the patriarch of this family, I've already decided who's sitting where, who's saying Grace, who's carving the turkey, what we'll be serving with the turkey, what we'll be drinking, what we'll be talking about, and the order in which we'll be taking turns in the shitter after dinner. So pipe the fuck down!
Now, I'll be sitting at the head of the table, of course, and you're mother will be at the other end. Peyton, you'll be by yourself on the side by the window, and Coop & Eli will be next to each other on the other side
.
Eli: Aww Dad....
Archie: Shut your hole, Eli!
Peyton: Yeah, shut your hole, rookie.
Eli (under his breath): Horse face.
Peyton (under his breath): Dick licker.
Archie: Pipe down, I said! I'm about to say Grace.
Mrs. Manning: Boys, shhhh. Go ahead, Archie.
Archie: Thank you, Dear. Now then,............Lord, we thank you for the wonderful food which we are about to eat. We thank you for the expensive plates we are about to eat the food off of. And we thank you for the beautiful home that we are in as we are about to eat the wonderful food off of the expensive plates. We also thank you for the NFL Players Association, for the collective bargaining agreement, and for the network tv contracts that have helped this family become rich beyond our wildest dreams. And Lord, in keeping with this, please watch over our family. Keep us healthy and strong, and please, especially, watch over Peyton as he goes for Dan Marino's single-season touchdown record...... Oh yeah, and please bless sick kids, the poor, the unfortunate, etcetera, etcetera....Amen.
Everyone: Amen.
Archie: Now let's eat! Honey, would you get me another scotch & soda please?
Mrs. Manning: Of course, Dear.
Eli: Dad, how come you didn't ask God to look out for me?
Archie: Goddammit, Eli, are you going to start in with this shit again?
Eli: It's just that it's always about Peyton. Peyton did this, Peyton did that. It's always been that way. Heck, we're eating Thanksgiving dinner on a Tuesday night because Peyton has a game on Thursday. If I was playing on Thursday, would we be..
Cooper: Quit your crying, you stupid fuck.
Eli: Make me!
Cooper: I'll shove this gravy boat up your ass.
Archie: Shut up dammit! Or I'll shove gravy boats up both your asses!
(silence)
Peyton: Coop, would you please pass the cranberry sauce?
Eli: He can't pass them to you. He's not a quarterback. Are you, Coop? Are you an NFL quarterback? Are you? Are you?
Cooper: I HAVE A DISEASE AND YOU KNOW IT!
Eli: You're a pussy.
Peyton: Shut up Eli!
Eli: You shut up, Mr. Audible. Do you know how excruciating it is to watch you play with all your audibles on every fucking play? You're offensive line hates you, they all told me.
Peyton: Fuck you.
Eli: No, fuck you. Hey, why don't you call an audible right now, right here at the table? Yeah, back your chair up and tell Coop you don't want the cranberry sauce, instead, you want some stuffing. Then go ahead and put Mom in motion to the weak side to get some more dinner rolls.
Peyton: You're just jealous.
Eli: And you think you're so cool. I got news for you big brother, some day, I'm gonna break all of your records!
Peyton: The only thing you're gonna break is your pelvis from being ass-fucked too hard by Jeremy Shockey.
Eli: I told you, WE ARE JUST FRIENDS!!
Peyton: Right.
Cooper: Right.
Archie: Oh God. I think I just shit myself.
Eli: I don't have to take this. I'm outta here.
Mrs. Manning: Eli honey, don't go.
Eli: Sorry Mom, but I'm going somewhere where I'm respected.
Archie: Where are you going?
Eli: I don't have to tell you.
Peyton: Yeah, where ya going Eli?...Huh?....Where?......Tell us?
Eli: Shut up!
Peyton: You're going to Shockey's house, aren't you?
Eli: .........I hate you.


Now, on with the Matchups.......


(Friday) Texas A&M at Texas-
Aggies.
Longhorns.
"Only two things come from Texas, boy: Steers and queers."
So does that mean Aggie is slang for faggot?


(Saturday) Virginia at Virginia Tech-
According to the Va. Tech official web site, the team got its nickname, the Hokies, from the youngest son of the rural family that sold its' farmland, the very same land that the university sits on today. Apparently, the young boy's real name was Henry, but he got the nickname "Hoke" at an early age because that's how he pronounced his favorite food- egg yolk. "Hoke" evolved into "Hokie" and it stuck. At the age of nine, young Hokie was diagnosed with a rare affliction wherein the small intestine becomes arthritic, causing severe cramping, and eventual death due to infection, stemming from an inability to rid one's self of body waste. Although very treatable with drugs today, those drugs were not available at the time. The only known treatment was to remove one's arthritic intestine and replace it with a piece of tubing dipped in candle wax. A very risky procedure that very few patients survived. Surprisingly, the operation on young Hokie was succesful. His story instantly became an inspiration to everyone in Blacksburg and when the university fielded its first sports team (lawn bowling) in 1887, they voted unanimously to adopt the nickname "Hokies" in his honor.

(The preceding story was completely created in my own sick mind. Sorry.)


(Thursday) Colts at Lions-
Ahh, Detroit. What better place to celebrate Thanksgiving than with the sports fans who invented post-championship street rioting and who have now perfected fan-player violence?


(Thursday) Bears at Cowboys-
Hey, with a game like this, who needs tryptophan?


Ravens at Patriots-
You know, once you get past the two Lewis felons, the cocky asshole head coach, the strutting media-whore cornerback, the ref-shoving cyclops right tackle, and the old, miserly vagabond owner, this team is easy to root for.


Bills at Seahawks-
The real question here is whether Holmgren will awake from his post-Thanksgiving Dinner nap in time for kickoff.


Browns at Bengals-
The Bengals offense has scored zero points in the 2nd halves of their last two games and the Browns offense was booed off the filed last week at home.
I'm taking the Under.


Titans at Texans-
What could be more predictable than yet another late-November push by Jeff Fisher's Titans?.....


Jaguars at Vikings-
......How about yet another November collapse by the Vikings?
No Moss=No Mas.


Chargers at Chiefs-
Officer Barbrady's Chargers are 7-3 and in first place in the AFC West. The only thing more shocking this fall has been that big black dude on The Real World: Philadelphia announcing that he's gay.
I definitely did not see that one coming.


Dolphins at Niners-
I would honestly rather watch a body decompose.


Jets at Cardinals-
Funniest new tv commercial- the Fed Ex spot where the fat teenager asks the clerk to send a package to "Pee-Ho-Nicks". She says, "Where?" Then he says, "Pee-Ho-Hicks. You know, the capital of Arizona". Then another customer overhearing says, "I think you mean Phoenix."
Hilarious.
And yes, I know the Cardinals play in Tempe. This well only runs so deep.


Redskins at Steelers-
Joe Gibbs, meet Joe Paterno. Joe Paterno, meet Joe Gibbs.


Saints at Falcons-
After briefly being put on hold, the Jim Haslett Farewell Tour hits the road again this week in Atlanta!


Buccaneers at Panthers-
Big win last week for the reigning NFC champs. What are the Panthers now, 2-7? I haven't seen a title defense this pathetic since Tommy Gunn got his ass kicked in the street by a retired, dain bramaged, Rocky Balboa at the end of Rocky IV.


Eagles at Giants-
What could I possibly say that I haven't said already?
Uhhh....Eli has dick warts. Did I say that already. I didn't, did I? Okay, good.


Raiders at Broncos-
I like to imagine that Al Davis has his very own personal sauna at the Raiders training complex and that he invites players into the steam from time to time for little "chats". You know, the kind of chats that Russian mob bosses have with their underlings. I also like to imagine that this year he's been regularly inviting Warren Sapp, Sebastian Janikowski, and Kerry Collins. Then I like to imagine what that sauna must smell like. I imagine it smells like halitosis, wrapped in bologna, sprinkled with pit sweat, and dipped in vodka. Or, in other words, like Mama Squintz' bra after a hard day of Christmas shopping.

(Monday Night) Rams at Packers- If Brett Favre was a woman, I'd have wet dreams about him. But since he's not, I have no other choice but to stick with Crista- our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week! (see above link)

Nov 16, 2004

Week 11 Matchups

David St. Hubbins.
Nigel Tufnel.
Derek Smalls.
An 18-inch tall Stonehenge.
And thirty-two dead drummers.
What am I talking about? I'm talking about one of the top ten-fifteen funniest movies on Smitty's Top Ten-Fifteen Funniest Movies List. I'm talking about This is Spinal Tap. And why am I talking about Spinal Tap? Because, according to IFC (Independent Film Channel), this month marks the 20th anniversary of the mockumentary and they've been celebrating the occasion by airing the bloody shit out of it. And I for one, couldn't be happier. It's one of those rare comedic films, like Caddyshack, Animal House, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, The Princess Bride, Clerks, and yes, Point Break, that you need to catch every so often just to remind you what great comedic dialogue sounds like.
So, to celebrate this anniversary in my own small way, this week's Matchups are peppered with some of my favorite lines from This is Spinal Tap.
And if you don't like it, well, you can lick my love pump.



"You two were at school together?"
"We're not university material."
"What's that on your finger?"
"It's my gum."

Wisconsin at Iowa-
Did you know that you can major in farming at either one of these schools? It's true. That's gotta look impressive on the diploma. What does it say, "Bachelor of Farming"? And my God, if you can major in Farming, what kinds of things can you minor in? Tractor Mechanics? Hog Calling? Tobacky Spittin'? Cousin-Fucking?
I need to know.



"As long as there's, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without all the rock and roll."
Louisiana Lafayette at Louisiana Monroe-
Hey, who needs big names? Small schools play football, too. Or at least a reasonable facsimile of college football. And to save you the research- Lafayette is 4-6 on the year and is named after something French and gay (redundant), while Monroe is also 4-6 and named after the gay fella played by Jm J. Bullock (not a typo) on the eighties hit sitcom Too Close For Comfort.


"Dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not widely reported."
Cardinals at Panthers-
Thankfully, Denny Green and his over-worked sweat glands get to leave Arizona for the weekend.


"It's like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black."
Cowboys at Ravens-
So, you've lost your last three games, you have a color-blind Sicilian fossil for a quarterback, an aged (pronounced aij-ed), decrepit halfback, a bevy of slow wide receivers, and you have to go play Ray Lewis and the Ravens this Sunday. Yeah, "none more black" sounds about right.



"St. Hubbins. What was he the saint of?"
"He was the patron saint of quality footwear."
Broncos at Saints-
Anybody know who's the patron saint of quality dentures? How about the patron saint of quality quarterbacks? If anyone knows, Coach Sheenahan has his rosary in-hand and is anxiously awaiting your call.



"The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and... "
"Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?"
"Exactly."
"Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?"
"Well, it's one louder, isn't it?"
Lions at Vikings-
Daunte Culpepper is my choice for MVP of the league so far. Sure, there can be arguments made for Donovan McNabb and Peyton Manning but McNabb tosses to Nicole Sheridan's jackass lover and Manning is, well, a Manning. So my vote's for Culpepper.
Plus, he wears #11 which is extremely important given the above quote.



"Well, I don't really think that the end can be assessed as of itself as being the end because what does the end feel like? It's like saying when you try to extrapolate the end of the universe, you say, if the universe is indeed infinite, then how- what does that mean? How far is all the way, and then if it stops, what's stopping it, and what's behind what's stopping it? So, what's the end, you know, is my question to you."
Titans at Jaguars-
"Titans. Jaguars. It's Volek versus Garrard, this Sunday on CBS!"
Sounds like the end of something. Maybe the end for the 2004 Titans.



"Certainly in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful."
Jets at Browns-
So, after last week's pre-game warmup beat down, Browns running back William Green has now missed two games in two seasons due to getting his ass kicked. One at the hands of Joey Porter, and one last year at the hands of his wife. I'd say that carrying a good piece of wood with him at all times might not be a bad idea.



"We're lucky."
"Yeah."
"I mean, people should be envying us, you know."
"I envy us."
"Yeah."
"I do."
"Me, too."
Steelers at Bengals-
I'm clearly not referring to the Bengals here. And, no, I'm not referring to the Steelers, either. I'm referring to myself and my co-worker Adam, who both were graced with the presence of Tara, a BenGal who conducted business in our office this past Monday. Being the stalker-type that I am, I found her 2004 calendar photo online, and after some bribing and some semi-legal sedation, obtained her written approval to be our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week! (see above link).



"And you know what I want you to do? Will you do something for me? Do me a favor. Just kick my ass, okay? Kick my ass. Come on. I'm not asking, I'm telling with this. Kick my ass."
Niners at Buccaneers-
Dennis Erickson has that look you usually only see on the faces of tortured hostages, death row inmates, and LA Clippers fans. He's a half-dead deer lying on the shoulder of the NFL Highway. Somebody please just put him out of his misery and let him move on.



"It's such a fine line between stupid and clever."
Rams at Bills-
Mike Martz walks this line every week. Martz says it'd be a lot easier to balance on that line if it weren't for his big, huge offensive brain.



"It's part of a trilogy, a musical trilogy I'm working on in D-minor which is the saddest of all keys, I find. People weep instantly when they hear it, and I don't know why."
Colts at Bears-
Wayne. Stokley. Harrison. That's the receiving trilogy that Peyton Manning has at his disposal. Notice that Harrison is listed last? Yeah, that's where the weeping is coming from.
(And yes, I know that's not a proper use of the word "trilogy". Fuck off.)



"But you're not as confused as him, are you? I mean, it's not your job to be as confused as Nigel."
Dolphins at Seahawks-
Jim Bates takes over for Wannstedt and promptly replaces Jay Fiedler at starting quarterback. After being told that Don Strock was retired, he settled on AJ Feeley. Good times in Miami.



"You can't really dust for vomit."
Chargers at Raiders-
And that is one rare piece of good forensic news for Sebastian Janikowski and Kerry Collins.



"May I start by saying how thrilled we are to have you here. We are such fans of your music and all of your records. I'm not speaking of yours personally, but the whole genre of the rock and roll."
Falcons at Giants-
Eli Manning gets the start for the Giants this Sunday. My guess is he will be to the genre of Manning quarterbacks what Vanilla Ice was to the genre of rap- just another stupid, skinny, rich white kid with way too much hype.



"Big bottom, big bottom.....Talk about mud flaps, my girl's got 'em!"
Redskins at Eagles-
Oh Mama McNabb, how I dream of your thick ham hocks teasing me from underneath that polyester/rayon pant suit. Bring me the can opener, my armadillo needs some chocolate clam chowder!


"Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation."
Packers at Texans-
Just a guess here, but one day, when all that cortisone and morphine wears off, Brett Favre is probably gonna have one hell of a morning.


"Have a good time......all the time."
(Monday Night) Patriots at Chiefs-
Hey, it's Monday Night Football in KC. Put some ribs on the grill, some beer in the cooler, get Madden and Visser dressed & out of the horse trailer, and turn on the lights- we're ready for some football!

Nov 8, 2004

Week 10 Matchups

Well, here we are again, it's that week of the year when I turn the keys over to the rest of you Paloozers and let you create the Matchups. I feel like Roddy when he let Cole drive his car at Daytona, like Mr. Brady when he trusted Greg with the blueprints in the cardboard tube, like Woody Harrelson when he let Robert Redford take Demi Moore out to dinner, like Antoine when he entrusted his prized exotic fish, killer apartment, and clientele of needy rich skanks to Deuce Bigalow,..........In other words, leery, anxious, nervous, hopeful, and somewhat thankful for the downtime. And just like last year, you guys did not disappoint me. Not only have I been entertained, but I feel like I've learned more about each of you (except for Uncle No Show who surprisingly didn't submit his matchup). As for the rest of you, I've learned that a couple of you are obsessed with the capitulation habits of sports reporters, a couple of you are obsessed with Mama Squintz, a couple of you seem to have learned your English from a band of syphilis-ridden alcoholic sailors, a couple of you like to discuss shit and hospitals, a couple of you are borderline candidates for electro-shock therapy, and one of you has an Oedipus complex combined with a rare squinting disorder.

I've also learned that I can only let you guys do this once a year. Not because you can't do it, but more simply because I realize that I need to do it. This is my therapy. Without this, I'd have to store up all my sarcasm, impatience, bitterness and rage, and eventually let it explode all over some unsuspecting young passerby who would make the fatal mistake of crossing my path while donning a Niners jacket and humming along to some Third Eye Blind. Die! You miserable gay lover of Joe Montana and bland pop music, Die!, Die!!, Die!!!

Lucky for that guy, I forgot to assign the college games to any of you, so I'll take care of the campus activity. Let's get on with the Matchups.......



Texas Tech at Texas A&M- by Don Smitty
Now this is my kind of game. Two in-state and in-conference rivals, both in the Top 25, knocking heads in front of more than 80,000 people, none of whom even considered for a second to vote for Al Gore or John Kerry. It's what they call a "red" state. Just how red? Well, Texas Tech has a fan club for kids 13 and under that's called, and I swear I'm not making this up, the Guns Up Club. Seriously. Go here if you don't believe me- http://texastech.collegesports.com/ot/gunsupclub.html

And speaking of getting your guns up, check out our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleaders of the Week!! (see above link). Since this week's Matchups are a team effort, I figured we needed a team effort on the cheerleader side as well. For the record, I seem to be partial to the brunette, second from the left in the front row.


Georgia at Auburn- by Don Smitty
The following is taken straight from Auburn Athletics official web page:
"Whenever Auburn people gather, the battle cry "Warrrrrrr Eagle!" is almost certain to be heard. Although little is actually known about how the battle cry originated, it has been a part of Auburn's spirit for more than 100 years. Since the first War Eagle, there have been five other birds throughout Auburn's history which have served as the school's symbol and kept alive the legendary battle cry.
The first War Eagle, according to legend, died the same day it inspired Auburn students to yell its name -- 1892 in Atlanta's Piedmont Park when Auburn played Georgia in the Deep South's first football game. In 1932, a group of Auburn people got together and bought a second eagle from a farmer for $10. Due to economic problems caused by the Great Depression, however, the group could not afford to feed the bird and was forced to give it away to a carnival that was passing through town. Nearly 30 years later, in 1960, Auburn received a wounded eagle from Dr. Dell Hill of Talladega, Ala. An Auburn architecture student, Jon Bowden, took care of War Eagle III for a few months but eventually gave him to another student, Elwyn Hamer. During the week prior to Auburn's game against Alabama in 1964, War Eagle III broke free and landed in a nearby backyard. The owner of the property shot and killed the eagle claiming it was attacking his children.
The following year, 1965, the City of Birmingham acquired an eagle from the Jackson, Miss., zoo and gave it to Auburn. War Eagle IV would enjoy a reign of 15 years.
War Eagle V arrived in Auburn March 3, 1981 from Wyoming. After examination and observation at the College of Veterinary Medicine, the two-year-old immature golden eagle was presented to the university on A-Day, May 9, 1981. She died Sept. 4, 1986 after suffering a ruptured spleen....."

Hmmm..... I think I've got a slogan for this program:

Auburn Football: "We buy inexpensive endangered species, then either mistreat, shoot at, maim, kill, or sell them to carnivals. If we can do this to our mascot, just think of what we do to the Negroes."



Bears at Titans- by Felipe from the Block
Little known fact : Tennessee head coach Jeff Fisher was a member of the record setting 1986 Chicago Bears defense. He was the guy with the porno mustache behind Walter Payton and the Fridge singing the Super Bowl Shuffle. In addition Fisher has been known to serve as Hamilton County Commissioner Todd Portune's stunt double!


Ravens at Jets- by Sticky Mitts
Jets, Jets, Jets----Led by Chad Pennington who I will name my future illegitimate son after. There will be hanging Chads in this matchup---whatever the hell that means. The Golden Swami predicts a win by the Baltimore Ravens. Ray Lewis will intercept the Chadster twice and put him on the DL for the remainder of the season--- sorry Jets fans. Golden Mit also predicts a new single week record in the Pigskin Palooza for the Don Smitty with 200 points. Up to this point, Smitty has played with the "throw a dart at the NFL team board" method to select his winners for the week. This week, he will bet the exact opposite picks of Johnny Yardrocks in order to accomplish this amazing feat. This 200 point week may allow the Don Smitty to leap into second last place! By the way, final score of the Jets/Ravens game--------Jets 3, ravens 69 dude.


Texans at Colts- by Johnny Yardrocks
Early this spring, Smitty and I sat on our fat asses for what seemed like twelve weeks, drank imported Scandinavian swill, which had the distinct aftertaste of Mamma Squints' bath water(I dig rocks all day, Mama Squints cleans my rocks all night), and watched Archie & the All In the Family crew make a disgrace of the draft process. From the Chargers to the Giants in a New York minute. So with that being said,.....I'll say this.....
Fuck the Colts! Fuck that pasty white albino'd-ass motherfucker! (I'm talking about Peyton, not Tony Dungy)
Fucking the whole Manning family!
I hope Carr throws 7 TD's for 600 yards and Peyton loses an eye. And that, gentlemen is the kind of attitude it takes to be third from last in this little pool. I have got to go now....Mama Squints says my bath is ready.


Lions at Jaguars- by Johnny Yardrocks
Late this summer, I made a 12-pack bet with some asshole that the Bears would have more wins than the Lions. I just have on thing to say......You want cans or bottles?
This is Bo Knows, bitches!!! Enjoy yourself.


Steelers at Browns- by Yiddy Skyfrog
Good news for the Steelers: Jeff Garcia is leaving the team now that Ohio passed the No Gay Marriage law. He and his male lover "Ben-me-over-and-ram-it-home" Roethlisberger" are moving back to San Francisco to tie the knot and settle down in a nice little flat overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge. Little "Benji" is still a virgin. But he says "Having Jeffy in me will feel like eating 24 atomic wings at BW3 and washing it down a dozen jalapeno peppers" ...
......Speaking of fucking, did you know.... that..
a) Suzy Kolber is trick fucking Merrill Hodge
b) Leslie Visser went "hammer city" with John Madden
c) Bonnie Bernstein used to bake brownies for Scotti Pippin and eat them out of his ass...



Chiefs at Saints- by Matty Rogaine
Ode to Mrs. Callahan from deuce & Priest


She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham

She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum

She's done more screwing than Black and Decker

She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood

She's turned more tricks than Houdini

She's been in more motel rooms than the Bible

She's been boarded more times than Amtrak

She's been mounted more often than Trigger

She's been involved with more animals than Marlon Perkins

She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope

She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube

She's spent more time under men than barstools

She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge

She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes

She's been under more sheets than the KKK

She's had more marines land on her bed than on Iwo Jima

Hoover classifies her tongue as a vacuum cleaner

Her body has been declared a national recreation area

Her diaphragms come with a service contract

Her pantyhose have a pet door

prediction: Chiefs 42- Saints 13



Panthers at Niners- by Jimmy Squints
Thanks for the great game. Since I take more abuse than Kevin Smith dishes out to himself after watching an episode of Desperate Housewives, I incorrectly thought I would get a better game. Now I know how Don Criqui and Steve Tasker feel. Any person who watches this game is a total loser. In conclusion, Damn the Niners! DAMN THEM STRAIGHT TO HELL!


Seahawks at Rams- by Long Duck Dweng
Tonight on Fox..........The battle for the NFC West title belt!
Joe, we have two true heavyweights in the ring tonight. Mike "Baby Face" Martz versus Mike "Womb Broom" Holmgren. This should be quite a battle.
That's right, Tim. I think both these fighters have come to win at any cost as we've seen in the first round. As we start the second round, it looks like Holmgren has something up his sleeve but hi is knocked to the ground before he can remove it. It looks like Martz has come with a trick of his own. Yes it is folks, that is a Bulger in his pants and he's using it like he has been in this position before. Wow, that has got to hurt!


Bengals at Redskins- by Yiddy Skyfrog
Ahhh 2 proud franchises each headed by a football legend...Washington under the watchful eye of Joe Gibbs, the first time around, went to 4 Super Bowls, winning 3. He got to watch Joe Theisman's (as in Heisman) ankle twist like a soggy pretzel up close. He watched John Riggins get drunk and puke in the punch bowl. And he went to the Super Bowl with both Doug Williams (The original black Jesus) and Mark Rypien as quarterbacks. Then Gibbs got real red on us and turned his attention to the sport where only white trash hill rats with rusty pickup trucks and gun racks participate, NASFUCKINGCAR. Dale Earnhart is FUCKING DEAD!!! He didn't rise from the dead on the third day. "Little E" is not the son of God. So get the number 3 with the halo off the back of your sorry excuse for a vehicle and get on with your miserable cigarette smoking, Pabst drinking, porno watching life. Get back to bitch slappin' the old lady every time pretty boy Jeff Gordon wins.

And the other Legend Mike Brown..Oh sure he hasn't won in 14 years and he did draft David Klingler and Akili Smith, but he beat those evil bastards at the IRS out 40 million dollars. He also got all you jackoffs who still live in Hamilton county to build him a palace and each evening after he's finished washing Mike's 1996 Chevy Lumina, Bob Bedinghaus drops to both knees and gives Mike a blowjob that would make Linda Lovelace proud.



Bucs at Falcons- by.......no one
(You da man, UNS)


Vikings at Packers- by LL Cool Wop
Do you remember the days of the Frozen Tundra at Lambeau Field and great defensive teams? Good, cause you won't see it this week. Lombardi is turning in his ice tumbler coffin with the defense of today. In a battle of "last possession wins", let's see if we can top a 100-point total for the Over. This last Monday's Over was 50+ with the other challenger (Indy) being all O and no D. No, Brett, this is a different OD- not the painkiller and beer type. Sad thought is that both are still in the hunt.


Giants at Cardinals- by Felipe from the Block
It was nice to see the Bengals of the Southwest pick up their first road victory since 1977! Maybe Denny Green will stop wearing those "fat" suits on future trips to South Beach.
On to this week.......... The BOSW take on the G-Men led by drill sergeant Tom Coughlin. Not a good week to be a Giants fan. First, the meltdown vs the Bears, then that gap toothed Chunky Soup-eating defensive end of theirs injured himself and is now done for the season. I can hear the calls for Eli! Eli! Eli! in the second half of the season as the G-Men go from 5-3 to 5-11.



Bills at Patriots- by Danny Bedpans
Is this game really worth writing about? It would be more interesting to see if Drew Bledsoe could outrun Coach Belicheck in a foot race rather than watch this game. With the Patriots secondary all laid up in an orthopedic unit somewhere, the Bills have an outside chance of pulling this one off (insert our "And monkeys might fly out of my butt" joke here). Seriously, they give it to McGahee 50 times and he rushes for close to 200 yards, and they might have a chance. If they don't, you know the Patriots are going to be all over Bledsoe like flies on a steaming pile of shit. Coincidentally, a steaming pile of shit is exactly what Bledsoe turned into this year.


(Monday Night) Eagles at Cowboys- by Big Schlossy
Is it a requirement for NFL receivers to have a bi-polar disorder? The two top receivers in this matchup are prime examples. One week T.O. is imitating Ray Lewis and having fun. Then the next week he's screaming at McNabb on the sideline like his boy Jeff Garcia (which may result in his ass getting shot like 2 Pac or the Notorious B.I.G. Ray-Ray and his boyz will have their revenge and lay the smack down...I mean T.O. must have a death wish to bring up the double murder case like that).
Then, on the other sideline you have Keyshawn "Throw me the Damn Ball" Johnson (kin to Chad "Throw me the Damn Ball" Johnson) who is less productive than T.O. (although he leads the league inpenis yards from scrotum) but has an equivalent history of sideline temper tantrums. Maybe these two babies can change each others' diapers after the game.
Black men changing diapers...this reminds me of a funny story. A dingy female college friend of mine was a nurse at a nursing home. One of her chores was to clean the elderly people that she cared for. One day, she was cleaning an incoherent old black guy while he layed in bed. She was trying to wipe up a large piece of shit that was stuck between his legs, but the poop would not wipe up, so she scrubbed harder and harder. She finally discovered that it was actually this dude's giants cock tucked between his legs and sticking out of his butt cheeks like a piece of dung.
How's that for a visual? The girl is kinda hot, so to this day I find the story oddly erotic. Perfect timing, Mama Squints is at the door.

Nov 1, 2004

Week 9 Matchups

Tonight I am coming to you LIVE from my somewhat rural election headquarters, or as Tom Brokaw would say, "rrrrul erreckshin headkerterrrz ", in Ross, Ohio. Taking a break from the always breaking and wall-to-wall Election 2004 coverage for a few minutes to bring you the more important and much more greatly anticipated Pigskin Palooza Week 9 Matchups. With just about 55 percent of the precincts reporting, I'm still not prepared to declare a winner in the race for Best After Dinner Dessert tonight between the Challenger- the Reese cups I stole out of my daughter’s Halloween bag, and the Incumbent- Mama Squints’ boobies. I sincerely hope to declare a winner before we’re done here tonight.

It’s been a night of candy, nipples, and channel surfing that has left me completely entertained. Here’s just a small sampling of what I’ve enjoyed so far……..

The usual array of non-sensical southern metaphors from Dan Rather, such as, "This race is spinning tighter than a speeding combine" and "If a bull had sidepockets, he’s carry a handgun." Honestly, I think he's Tim McCarver's long-lost older brother.

Dandy Dan downright gushing while interviewing and simultaneously kissing the ass of John Kerry’s daughter Vanessa. His hard-hitting journalistic approach included questions such as "What does your father do to relax? Does he hum Springsteen?" Seriously, I thought he was going to break into the Jason Biggs "Uh-oh, I think I just came in my pants" Face from American Pie before the interview was over. And I don't know why he was so smitten. I mean, I hate to say that Vanessa Kerry's nose is long but, well, I do believe she could use it to open a can of tuna.

Tim Russert sitting alongside Peter Jennings and being forced to break out a high-tech hand-held Etch-A-Sketch-looking tally board on which to do some 2nd grade math. The look on his face says, "I can’t believe I’m doing this shit." The look on Peter Jennings face says "I can't believe it either."

Ed Bradley showing that he’s still rockin’ the diamond earring. And CBS showing that they’re still too afraid of discrimination suit to make him take it out.

Sheppard, excuse me, "Shep" Smith and Lester Holmes all over FOX News. And correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t Lester Holmes the most famous black "Lester" since Willy Tyler’s dummy?

Peter Jennings throwing it to a correspondent in Oklahoma who let us know that the Senate seat there has gone to a guy who’s publicly stated that he believes any woman who has an abortion should face the death penalty, that homosexuals and unwed mothers should not be allowed to teach school, and that his state’s board of education is a "bunch of crackheads".
"Oooooklahoma, where the KKK comes sweepin’ down the plains…."

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart providing live coverage which included exit polling outside of a porn shop ("What fetish did you go with today?" and "Can I see your weiner?" were my favorite questions), a report from outside of Al Qaeda’s election headquarters (the Marriott at Times Square), an interview with the Rev. Al Sharpton, and a report on the mood of Teresa Heinz-Kerry being foul and including "language worse than a long shoreman suffering from Tourette’s."

And, of course, making the night complete was the sheer enjoyment of listening to Tom Brokaw struggle through such words and phrases as "electoral", "Delaware", "registered voters", "Rockefeller Plaza", and "Republican from Rhode Island". Too bad he’s reitring and won’t be around in 2008 to spit out "The Repurrbrican candidate Arnerd Scharrrzenerrrggerrrr virrsers the demerrcratic candidate Hirrary Clinton."


Now, on with the Matchups……..


Air Force at Army-
Oh what the hell, it’s election week. This is the battle of the Flyboys versus the Grunts.
Top Gun versus Stripes.
"You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’…" versus "Doo-wah-diddy Diddy-dum-diddy-doo"
"Talk to me, Goose" versus "Lighten up, Francis."
"I feel the need, the need for speed" versus "That's a fact, Jack!"

What? Top Gun was the Navy? They were Navy pilots? Really? The Navy has jet fighters? Hmmm. Well, what's a good Air Force movie? Iron Eagle and Iron Eagle II starring Louis Gossett Jr? Okay, well uh, nevermind.


USC at Oregon State-
You didn’t think I’d let us miss the annual Trojans v Beavers battle, did you? Go Trojans, Stuff them Beavers! Go Beavers, Swallow them Trojans!


Cardinals at Dolphins-
The Dave Wannstedt Suicide Watch has officially begun.


Raiders at Panthers-
Funniest thing I’ve heard all week-
Oakland Raiders: Commitment to Excrement.


Cowboys at Bengals-
Can’t…....……..talk……....….about….....………them…....……..Don’t.....………..have…....………the ….....…….strength…..


Redskins at Lions-
Mark Brunell jerseys now half-price in the Redskins gift shop!


Bears at Giants-
Craig Krynzel? Really? Where the hell is Vince Evans? Didn’t he have a lifetime Bears backup quarterback contract?


Patriots at Rams-
If Corey Dillon can’t go again, we’re looking at a Battle of the Faulks. "Marshall. Kevin. This Sunday, only on CBS!"
OR,
"Marshall. Kevin. One of them is really named Gaylord! Meet the Faulkers, this Sunday on CBS!!"


Chiefs at Bucs-
The Chiefs have turned their season around by playing three straight weeks of truly inspired football. And I think I’ve found the source of their inspiration. She just so happens to also be our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week! (see above link)


Saints at Chargers-
With a win this Sunday, Officer Barbrady's Chargers would improve to 5-3. Please go back and read that last line again slowly.
Take heed. Should this happen, be on the lookout for swarms of locusts, rivers overflowing with blood, and Kirk Cameron riding an oversized unicorn hopped-up on Ecstasy.


Seahawks at Niners-
After watching the Niners lose to the Bears last Sunday night, I have just one burning question:
Who has the stronger throwing arm, Ken Dorsey or Verne Troyer?


Jets at Bills-
J!-E!-T!-S!, JETS! JETS!! JETS!!!
There, I finally gave in.


Texans at Broncos-
Given their current two-game losing skid, I’d imagine that Coach Sheen will have his Broncos staying late this week to work on their cut blocks.


Eagles at Steelers-
Last week, Terrell Owens angered some of the Ravens by launching into an imitation of Ray Lewis’ patented dance after scoring a touchdown. While it’s always a good idea to mock a murderer on national television, personally, I would’ve celebrated by grabbing Mama McNabb out of the stands and performing the Lambada with her. Ahhh, just me, my Chunky Soup sex kitten, and the forbidden dance of love. Dare to dream men, dare to dream.


Browns at Ravens-
Speaking of dancing, it turns out that Ray Lewis needs to be credited with an assist in regards to Deion Sanders end zone soft-shoe routine back in Week 7. Deion apparently asked Ray to keep teammates away from him if & when he scored his first touchdown as a Raven and Ray complied by grabbing some guys and holding them back. In more dancing news, reports out of Cleveland suggest that Jeff Garcia has been practicing a dance of his own in case he scores this Sunday. Apparently it’s a rendition of the Village People’s YMCA, only with a twist- he’s going to spell out I-A-M-N-O-T-G-A-Y.
Great. And next week, look for T.O., Ray-Ray, Deion, and Jeff all starring together in Electric Boogaloo 4: Takin’ it to the Huddle.


(Monday Night) Vikings at Colts-
Peyton Manning in yet another big, nationally-televised game against a quality opponent. "Dr. Heimlich to the field please. Dr. Heimlich to the playing field."