The NFL's Week 17 is all about wants, needs, and gots'ta haves. It's simple human nature, really. There are things we want, things we need, and things we just Gots'ta Have! Allow me to illustrate: Imagine there's a tasty-looking cheeseburger sitting on a table. You want it, the little Ethiopian girl sitting next to you needs it, but Star Jones shoves both of you aside 'cause she just Gots'ta Have It! Here's another example: Most experimenting college girls want some anal, Johnny B's ex-wife needed some anal, but Mama Squints just Gots'ta Have some anal. You see what I mean? Here's one more: When Uncle Squints sees Star Jones, he wants to masturbate, when he sees Melissa Rivers, he needs to masturbate, and when he sees the Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week (see above link), he's just Gots'ta Masturbate!
It's the same in Week 17 of each NFL season. Some teams, players, and coaches want it, some need it, and some just Gots'ta Have It! This is also true in Pigskin Palooza. Guys who have won a couple of weeks (Yiddy Skyfrog, Uncle Squints), want another win, guys who are close to or currently in the overall lead (Sticky Mitts, LL Cool Wop) need to win, and guys who have been embarassed for sixteen straight weeks (Don Smitty) just Gots'ta Win! Hell, I take that back. Actually, I want to win, need to win, and Gotsta Win! And I'm so confident I'm going to finally pull it off that I'll even list my picks below each matchup. Let's go!
Dolphins at Ravens-
So Nick Saban is in as Dolphins head coach for 2005. Honestly, I was hoping they'd remove the "interim" tag from Jim Bates and let him have a shot. I mean, did you see him on the sidelines of that meaningless game last Sunday night? He wasn't just showing a little passion, he was showing some serious borderline psychotic intensity. He had that Mel Gibson in Ransom look on his face for the entire sixty minutes. Highly comical. Too bad we won't get that look for sixteen weeks next season.
Needs it: Kyle Boller
Wants it: Coach Bates
Gots'ta have it: Jamal Lewis (to delay the highway garbage detail for at least another week)
My pick: Ravens
Steelers at Bills-
Drew Bledsoe is leading a team into the playoffs. Wow, I had that at 75 to 1, just ahead of "David Schwimmer will go on to have a successful movie career".
Needs it: Tommy Maddox
Wants it: Takeo Spikes
Gots'ta have it: My buddy Andy, a Bills fan who just might impale himself on a fence post if Buffalo loses.
My pick: Bills
Bengals at Eagles-
Just three more weeks until the Eagles lose another NFC Championship game!
Wants it: Andy Reid
Needs it: Soon-to-be free agents Rudi Johnson and TJ Houshmadsfgonvw
Gots'ta have it: Former Bengal QB and possibly soon-to-be former Eagle QB Jeff Blake
My pick: Eagles
Browns at Texans-
Poor Terry Robiske. I haven't seen a team quit on themselves this horribly since my cousins Brian and Johnny turned over the Chinese Checkers board after Christmas dinner (and about eight consecutive losses) circa 1981.
Wants it: Dom Capers
Needs it: Terry Robiske
Gots'ta have it: Me, so I can pick up 30 Palooza points
My pick: Browns
Colts at Broncos-
I've come to find out that among Peyton Manning's record-breaking 49 touchdown passes this season, an inordinate number of them were for five yards or less, including the record-tying toss which was a shovel pass. That's like a porn star setting an anal gangbang record but using a whole bunch of dudes with 2-inch weiners and then capping it all off with a love bump from Verne Troyer after he just got back from a long, cold swim.
Wants it: Peyton Manning
Needs it: Jake Plummer
Gots'ta have it: Coach Sheen
My pick: Broncos
Jaguars at Raiders-
In a span of just two weeks, the Jaguars have gone from "the team that nobody wants to face" in the playoffs, to "the team that nobody will have to face" in the playoffs.
Wants it: Al Davis
Needs it: Jack Del Rio
Gots'ta have it: You know that member of Raider Nation who dresses up like Darth Vader? Well folks, this is all he's got. After Sunday, it's nine more months of living in Mom's basement, playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, eating Jack-in-the-Box burgers, and whacking it to some low-grade underage Asian porn. Give the dude this one day, would ya?
My pick: Raiders
Now a quick break for a couple bowl games....
(Capital One Bowl) LSU v Iowa-
I got some inside info about the halftime show for this one. Apparently it's going to involve a bunch of ugly actors dressed like vikings performing a What's in Your Wallet? medley, arranged and choreographed by Paula Abdul. There's also rumored to be some possible nipple-baring by David Spade. Don't miss it!
(Rose Bowl) Michigan v Texas-
When I was a young boy, I often dreamed that I'd grow up to date the Queen of the Rose Parade. I also dreamed of playing shortstop for the Reds, driving the Batmobile, and having a 10-inch penis. I'm currently o-for-4, but I think my penis is still growing.
.....And now, back to the National Football League.......
Chiefs at Chargers-
You know how when you run into some dude you went to school with, some guy who was kind of a putz, and you say "Hi", start talking, and find out that he's got some kick-ass job & making like $200 grand a year, driving a brand new BMW, just built a house next to a golf course, and is married to a former Miss Florida, and you think to yourself, "You've got to be fucking shitting me. Numbnuts is raking in the cache and I'm grinding it at the bank like some fuck monkey. Fuck me!" Then, you get home & call your buddies, tell 'em about Numbnuts, and you all have one of those "Yeah, but he's still a dork" therapy/coping session.
Yeah, well the Chiefs are like you and the Chargers are like Numbnuts.
Wants it: Marty Schottenheimer
Needs it: Gunther Cunningham
Gots'ta have it: According to my college roommate Joe, Marty Schottenheimer's daughter
My pick: Chargers
Niners at Patriots-
It's just like I said back in August- "The San Fransisco Forty Niners are now on the clock."
Wants it: Tom Brady
Needs it: Dennis Erickson
Gots'ta have it: Cal QB and likely #1 overall pick Aaron Rodgers (hoping desperately that he doesn't get stuck in SF)
My pick: Niners
Jets at Rams-
Last week, Mike Martz (aka Mrs. Doubtfire) publicly accused offensive tackle Kyle Turley of not being hurt as bad as he was claiming and also that he was "stealing money" from the Rams by not playing. The 300-lb Turley allegedly reacted to these remarks by threatening to kill Mrs. Doubtfire.
Also last week, Jets quarterback Chad Pennington (aka Mr. Misfire) publicly took the New York sports writers to task for being too subjective about him and his teammates. New York newpapers reacted to this outburst by trashing him on the front pages.
Now, which of these was the worse move- angering a mammoth-sized, tattooed, long-haired, psychologically unstable offensive tackle or angering a bunch of pint-sized, poorly dressed, balding beat writers with severe halitosis and a huge circulation base? I don't know. Honestly, right now I can't stop visualizing Turley ripping Martz' arms off and punching the arrogance out of him. Good times.
Wants it: Everyone involved
Needs it: Chad Pennington
Gots'ta have it: Mrs. Doubtfire
My pick: Rams
Lions at Titans-
Honestly, I'd rather watch old white people dance. Especially if they're doing The Charleston.
Wants it: Billy Volek
Needs it: Joey Harrington
Gots'ta have it: The Lions long-snapper, who, let's face it, is probably playing in his last NFL game.
My pick: Lions
Bucs at Cardinals-
This was originally billed in Arizona as The Battle of the Grammaticas. Now, since Martin and Bill have both been released by their respective teams, fans are upset and are claiming false advertising. Reports out of Puh-hoe-nicks state that no fewer than half of the Cardinals' season ticket holders are demanding their money back for this contest. Cardinal officials say that once they figure out what $39.95 times 17 equals, they will make a decision.
Wants it: Grammatica I
Needs it: Barber II
Gots'ta have it: The 17 other Cardinals season ticket holders.
My pick: Bucs
Falcons at Seahawks-
If the Seahawks win, they'll be the NFC West champs. They currently have just eight wins, and five of them came at the hands of the Niners (2), the Dolphins (1), the Cardinals (1), and the Cowboys (1). Now do you really think they have any shot at the Super Bowl? Shit, they've got a better chance of winning a silver medal in Olympic synchronized swimming.
Wants it: Shaun Alexander
Needs it: Mike Holmgren
Gots'ta have it: Jerry Rice
My pick: Seahawks
Saints at Panthers-
If New Orleans somehow pulls off a miracle here, they're in the playoffs as a wildcard with an 8-8 record. Now.....do you think they have any shot at the Super Bowl? Shit.....they've got a better chance of winning a bronze medal in Olympic synchronized swimming. ( I would've said "silver medal" but everyone knows Seattle would have a serious leg up on them there, given Trent Dilfer's days as a member of the 1989 state champion SoCal Synchro Seamen.)
Wants it: John Fox
Needs it: Jim Haslett
Gots'ta have it: All long-suffering Saints fans
My pick: Saints
Packers at Bears-
Packers! Bears! Who fucking cares?! This Sunday, on Fox!
Wants it: Mike Sherman
Needs it: Lovie Smith
Gots'ta have it: The ghost of Reggie White
My pick: Packers
Vikings at Redskins-
I'll take "Another Late Season Minnesota Meltdown" for $400, Alex.
Wants it: Joe Gibbs
Needs it: Mike Tice
Gots'ta have it: Those sorry-ass dudes who dress up like lady pigs at every Redskins home game.
My pick: Redskins
And finally, here's how you end the regular season in style......
(Monday Night) Cowboys at Giants-
What a terrible year for Tom Coughlin. His team filed a grievance against him in training camp, he made the horrible decision to go with Eli Manning at quarterback in Week 8, his team went from 5-2 to 5-10, and now most of the team has quit on him. The only bright spot was the Week 16 trip to Cincinnati where he spent most of the weekend walking around his hotel room in a two-sizes-too-small bathrobe, sipping martinis, eating stale pizza, and getting some of Mama Squints' world-class hummers.
Wants it: Vinny Testaverde
Needs it: Tom Coughlin
Gots'ta have it: Mama Squints (you have been paying attention all season, right?)
My pick: Giants
Quick side note: Since my picks have sucked horribly all year, for Week 17 I am officially taking the opposite of all my above picks.