Sep 26, 2006
You know how you feel after a big Thanksgiving dinner, all heavy & bloated, kinda tired, and not wanting to get up too fast for fear that you might upchuck in your mouth a little bit? Yeah, well that's me right now, thanks to an "I don't feel like cooking tonight" comment from the wife which resulted in a family trip to my own personal culinary Disneyland.... Steak n Shake. Most of my trips to Steak n Shake result in some serious caloric intake, thanks to either a Double Steakburger or a Frisco Melt accompanied by a side order of fries, a crock of baked beans, and an ice cold Coke. Tonight, however, was a little different. Tonight, instead of an ice cold Coke, I had, for the first time ever, a Cheesecake Shake. Or as I now like to call it, "a taste bud orgasm with a cherry on top". If it wasn't for the fact that my wife & daughter were with me, I probably would've lost complete control and still be sitting there right now, working on my thirty-seventh shake, workers and patrons gathered around the booth chanting my name, while some poor shmuck from Fox 19 News Crew straightens his tie and gets ready to broadcast the event live to the rest of the tri-state.
And you know, it's a complete a bullshit move by Steak n Shake. It's a helmet-to-helmet hit on a defenseless player, a chop-block, a finger in the eye, a blatant sweep of the leg. I'm Daniel Caruso and Steak n Shake is the Kobra Kai. Anybody who knows me knows that there are three things I just cannot resist: cheesecake, grape glaciers (grape slushes with ice cream in 'em), and rim jobs from Mama Squintz. And yes, if Mama Squintz ever gets a job at a Whippy Dip that serves cheesecake, I'll go there and no one will ever hear from me again.
So Steak n Shake suckered me, I gorged myself and now I need to go buy some husky-size jeans. Seriously, I think that I gained somewhere between eight and eleven pounds tonight. If I knew what I weighed before the meal, I'd step on the scale right now, do the math, then come back & give ya the results. By the way, is it stupid that I don't know exactly how much I weigh? You ever notice that the only people who always seem to know their exact weight are fat people, actresses, and high school wrestlers? I understand actresses and wrestlers because their weight relates directly to what they do, but for fat people it just seems like an unnecessary torture. The only good that can come out of it for a fat person is if they lose a bunch of weight and then have a reference point so they can tell everyone just how much weight they've lost. And boy do they love to share that shit with us. It never fails; ask someone who's lost weight how much they've lost and they'll know it & tell you instantly. Tell someone they look like they've lost a lot of weight and they'll immediately give you the number. Hey Tom, you look great. Have you lost wei- Forty three pounds. Forty three. Since April. Forty three.
It's always bothered me that fat-shedders are so proud of their accomplishments. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that people lose unnecessary weight but what gets lost in the discussion is the fact that somewhere along the way, somewhere back in their shadowed, creme-filled past, they gained all that unnecessary weight. It may have been over a long period of time, over the winter, or maybe just over the course of a trip to the neighborhood Steak n Shake, but at some point they had to have put on all the fat in the first place, right? So big deal. You ate a lot, lounged around, got fat, then ate less, exercised, and got back to normal. Congratulations, here's a low-fat fucking cookie. And don't even get me started on all the support groups for fat fucks. Sure, ask for help & emotional support to lose the weight but you sure didn't need any help polishing off racks of lamb and boxes of Twinkies on your way to Fat Town, did you?
I could go on about this for hours. Let's just get on with the Week 4 Matchups...
Purdue at Notre Dame-
Speaking of fat people, God bless Charlie Weis. I really admire the fact that he doesn't try to hide his girth. You don't see him wearing oversized jackets or huge-normous sweatshirts, no, not Charlie. He just tucks in his shirt and cinches the belt like he's lassooing the planet Jupiter. Good for you, Charlie. Somebody get that man a few more well-deserved Krispy Kremes.
Ohio State at Iowa-
Strangely, these are the only two teams in the world with the word "eyes" in their nicknames. Of course, I do have suggestions for some others:
Lazy Eyes (as a tribute to Stuart Scott)
Betty Davis Eyes
Cardinals at Falcons-
Bad week for Kurt Warner, eh? First I put his wife in the title of last week's matchups, then he gets benched. I feel bad. Just to make it up to him, I'm gonna put Leinart's name in this week's title. Maybe he'll get injured or something and Warner will get his job back.
Cowboys at Titans-
Speaking of bad weeks...
When you need to wash down an ass-load of pain pills, remember to reach for an ice cold Dr. Pepper
Colts at Jets-
The surprising news here is that the Jets have started off 2-1.
The not-so-surprising news is that they still suck.
Their two wins have come against the Titans & the Bills. I believe that's the NFL equivalent of beating Nicole Richie and Calista Flockhart in a pie eating contest. Beat the Colts this Sunday and then I'll stop doing this: J!-E!-T!-S!, SUCK!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!!
Dolphins at Texans-
Culpepper stinks, Carr's getting better, and this is the funniest thing I've seen this month.....
Damn, I don't miss the 80's.
Vikings at Bills-
I could really give two shits about this game. I'd much rather let you know about my favorite new shows so far this fall.
1) NFL Cheerleader Playoffs on the NFL Network.
Beautiful NFL Cheerleaders competing in physical challenges and dance-offs. Simply brilliant.
2) Studio 60 on NBC. Witty, quick-paced, well-acted, unique premise. The skinny Matthew Perry is back and he is so not like Chandler Bing. Okay, he's a little like Chandler Bing but in the good sarcastic way, not in the I'm a pussy-whipped metrosexual kinda way.
3) Heroes on NBC. Originally it kept my attention only because of the internet sex skank and the hot cheerleader but when the goofy little asian guy teleported himself, I was hooked.
Maybe JP Losman could learn how to teleport the ball to one of his own receivers in the red zone once in a while.
Saints at Sex Panthers-
Would it be inappropriate to say that the Saints were riding a wave of emotion on Monday Night? Would it be inappropriate to say that I was filled with a flood of emotions while watching their first game back at the Superdome? And would it be inappropriate to say that I missed the pregame festivities because Mama Squintz was performing a striptease for me set to the song I Come from the Water by The Toadies?
(By the way, for those of you who haven't seen them yet, Mama Squintz' new pasties are sweet. They're edible and they glow in the dark!)
Chargers at Ravens-
Both teams have great defenses.
Both teams have good ground games.
Both teams have a premier tight end.
Tough one to call, so I'll do what I always do when it's a toss-up. Compare the cheerleaders.
San Diego offers us this:
And Baltimore offers us this:
(By the way, I had no idea that Charlie Weis had a son living in Baltimore.)
Jaguars at Redskins-
Brunell was 22 for 22 at one point last Sunday. Nice to see that his agent was able to come to terms with Satan before Week 3.
Now class, it's time to practice our conjugation. Ready...
Niners at Chiefs-
Lions at Rams-
Browns at Raiders-
Great job. Next week we'll try conjugating the word "fugly".
Patriots at Bengals-
Great, they just jinxed us...
Seahawks at Bears-
Speaking of jinxes, didn't he just break some foot bones?
Packers at Eagles-
You know, I could crack a tasteless joke here about Mama McNabb being sexy or Andy Reid being fat, but instead, I'd like to end the Week 4 Matchups with a little bit of class and dignity...
Sep 15, 2006
The Best of Hee-Haw, a striptease, a bitchslap, the Man Show boy, and dinner with Paris Hilton & Mrs Warner
I've had a really busy week so let's just get straight to the Week 3 Matchups...right after a couple quick observations:
Have you seen the NFL Network's 2006 Gameday team in action yet? There's Rich Eisen, Steve Mariucci and Deion Sanders. Rich is his usual affable self, Mariucci is knowledgeable and likeable, and then there's Deion, who's so ill-prepared in his ugly $10,000 Italian suits that he may as well be talking European politics and giving us a tour of the Fontana di Trevi. Mariucci sits next to him, quietly pissed-off, biting his tongue so hard that you can practically see blood running out the corners of his mouth. This thing is going to hit Paris-Nicole feud stage by Week 7, trust me.
Also, I've caught the first few editions of the new Monday Night Football on ESPN and I'm still waiting for Tony Kornheiser to be, well, Tony Kornheiser. It's like somebody over there in Bristol got pissed at him, cloned him, shoved the real Tony into a trunk, wheeled out the clone, then realized, "Oh shit, the clone doesn't have a personality!" Or maybe they're just giving him a fistful of Prozac right before kickoff, I don't know. I mean, I thought the idea was to bring him on and stir-up some shit, call out Theisman on some of his ridiculous comments, and basically say some things the other guys don't have the balls to say. Instead, he sits there like he's still in shock from being ass-fucked by a sasquatch. And when he does speak, he's about as entertaining and controversial as a bowl of day-old oatmeal. I say they either need to put him in the studio and move Michael Irvin to the booth or kick out Theisman, bring in Michael Wilbon, and shock Kornheiser back to life.
Okay, I'm done. Now on with the Matchups...
Notre Dame at Michigan State-
Being that I'm partially of Irish decent, I find the Notre Dame team nickname to be inaccurate and therefore mildly offensive. Therefore, I have started a petition to have the nickname changed to more accurately represent my people. If all goes well, by next season, the Notre Dame sports teams will be referred to as the Notre Dame Fighting, Drinking, Potato-Picking, Guilt-Ridden, Jesus-Lovin' Irish.
Erin Go Brah!
Speaking of nicknames, Spartans is a great one if only because it reminds me of this...
Alabama at Arkansas-
Over-Under on the number of people in attendance at this game who own The Best of Hee-Haw on DVD: 10,000
Over-Under on the number of people in attendance at this game who own The Best of Hee-Haw on VHS: 65,000
Sex Panthers at Buccaneers-
The American Medical Association announced this week that anyone with Chris Simms on their fantasy football team can clinically be diagnosed as "mentally challenged", and anyone starting Chris Simms on their fantasy team can be deemed "fucking retarded".
Bears at Vikings-
The official details of Rex Grossman's deal with the devil have not yet been released but my sources tell me that the deal definitely involves at least a first-born son and a soul.
Bengals at Steelers-
So, the Bengals go into this one missing their starting center, their starting strong safety, a starting linebacker, their kick returner, their third-down back, and possibly also their number-two wide receiver. Fantastic. But before we all go soak our heads in a big bucket of hydrochloric acid, let's try something to make us feel better....
Packers at Lions-
Kinda like watching two nerds duke it out on the playground. Nobody really wins and we're all a little bit dumber for having watched.
Titans at Dolphins-
Gentlemen, I give you The Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Redskins at Texans-
Clinton Portis and the Redskins head to the Lonestar State to battle Reggie Bush and the Houston Texans, this Sunday on FOX!
What? Portis is still hurt? Okay, well....Huh? You mean they didn't pick Bush? That's right, I keep forgetting that.
Mark Brunell and the Redskins head to the Lonestar State to battle David Carr......oh, nevermind.
Jaguars at Colts-
Don't F with this guy...
Ravens at Browns-
Coach Crennel, thanks for having your team participate in the 2006 NFL Season. Please follow the lovely Marissa backstage to pick up your parting gifts.
Jets at Bills-
Remember that funny little fat kid from The Man Show?
I'd been wondering whatever became of him & now I know. He's New York Jets head coach Eric Mangini!
Giants at Seahawks-
I don't want to say that Eli Manning comes across as a backwards-ass country bumpkin but if he were an Andy Griffith character, he'd definitely be Gomer, right?
And just for the record: Yid would be Andy, Squintz would be Barney, Uncle Kracker would be Goober, I'd be Floyd, Roger would be Howard, Johnny would be Ernest T. Bass, Matt would be Otis, and you-know-who would be a slightly more whorish Aunt Bea.
Eagles at Niners-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to hell!!!
Rams at Cardinals-
Apparently and not surprisingly, Kurt Warner has taken Matt Leinart under his wing as the heir-apparent in Arizona. And that got me to thinking...... since Leinart's been seen "hanging out" with Paris Hilton from time-to-time, I wonder if they've ever double-dated with Warner & his wife. I suspect that dinner conversation might go a little something like this:
Mrs Warner: So, Paris, I saw...I mean, I heard about that home video you were in on the internet.
Paris: Yeah, that was hot.
Mrs Warner: Well, I don't think God would find it hot.
Paris: God's hot.
Mrs Warner: Do you go to church, Paris? You know, you really should think about developing a relationship with your savior, Jesus Christ.
Paris: You should really think about doing something with your hair.
Kurt Warner: So, who's ready to order?
Broncos at Patriots-
I bet Jake Plummer feels like Yasmin Bleeth did when Carmen Electra joined Baywatch- old, bloated, and wondering why he's not getting asked for as many autographs anymore.
Falcons at Saints-
Ladies and Gentelmen, New Orleans is again open for business! Please excuse our racist mayor and the overwhelming musty odor.