Dec 28, 2005
So we’ve reached the final week of the NFL’s regular season. Normally a time for reflection, remorse, and a little regurgitation for us Bengal fans. But not this year. Despite a Chernobyl-esque meltdown last week against the Bills, our boys are headed to the playoffs for the first time since Knots Landing was a hit tv show and Poison had a #1 single. We’ve suffered through a lot of crap over the last fifteen years- Dave Shula, Akili Smith, David Klingler, Bruce Coslet, James Francis, Rod “Toast” Jones, Fat Daddy, Vagina Carter, and on, and on, and on…..
But today is not a day to look back, rather it’s a day to celebrate and look forward to even brighter days ahead. Let’s celebrate what the Black Jesus has brought to us. Let’s celebrate the rifle arm of Carson Palmer, the sure hands of TJ Houshmanzedeh, the acrobatic & bombastic Chad Johnson, the bull-dozing Willie Anderson, the ball-hawking Deltha O’Neal, the smashmouth running of Rudi Johnson, the tenacity of Odell Thurman, and the accuracy of Shayne Graham. Yes, I say let’s celebrate. Let’s celebrate the end of Cincinnati’s Great Football Depression, and let’s celebrate it with a song. With apologies to Adam Sandler and to the sacred days of Hannukah, here goes……..
There's a lot of football songs out there,
But not too many Cincinnati Bengal songs.
I wrote a song for all those long-suffering Bengal fans who haven’t gotten to stand up and shout for a while.
Here we go...
Put on your Bengal gear
Here comes the Who Dey cheer
It’s so much fun-a-dey
To shout for the Bengals today
Who Dey is….. the cheer of Cincinnati
Instead of “Rah” or “Go Team”, we have this crazy ebonical skatty
So when you feel like the only person, cheering the Bengals to victory,
Here's a list of people who are also Bengal fans just like you and meeeeeee..….
Sarah Jessica Parker, wears orange & black on Sundays
So do George Clooney, Bootsy Collins, and the late Doris Day-ey
Guess who eats together at the Gold Star Chil-ey
It’s the Hit King, Pete Rose and our former mayor, Jerry Springerdey
Peter Frampton's wife’s a Bengals fan, Joe Torre’s is as well
Neither one of them’s very pretty but Bengal-lovin’ Carmen Electra’s hot as hell
You don't need "Luv ya Blue" or "the Super Bowl Shuffle"
'Cause you can rock the joint with Guns n Roses’- “Welcome to the Jungle”
Put on your Bengal gear
It's time for the Who Dey cheer
The owner of Chiquita Banana-dey
Has stripes painted on his wrinkly old face today
Rosie O’Donnell, …….not a Bengal fan
But guess who is? The first man on the moon- Neil Armstrong
We got ESPN’s Dan Patrick, CNN’s Bill Hemmer, too
WKRP’s Dr. Johnny Fever, and the drummer who Fights the Foo
Some people think, that Jessica Simpson is
Well she's not, but guess who is
Both of her boobs is………….and her ex-husband, too
So many stars like to yell "Who Dey!"
Drew Carey isn't, but that’s okay because he’s gay
Tell your friend Sha-neyney
It's time to yell out "Who Dey!"
I hope they play Super Bowl Sun-a-day
And knock the snot out of the Seahawkadeys
So drink your old six pack of Hu-dey beer today
And smoke your marijuanidey
If you really, really wannadey…….
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Who Dey Day
Who Dey, Who Dey, Who Dey think gonna beat dem Bengals?!……..NOOOOOOOOBODY!!
On with the Matchups........
Broncos at Chargers-
Giants at Raiders-
Cardinals at Colts-
Ravens at Browns-
Bills at Jets-
Panthers at Falcons-
Bengals at Chiefs-
Lions at Steelers-
Dolphins at Patriots-
Saints at Bucs-
Seahawks at Packers-
Texans at Niners-
Titans at Jaguars-
Bears at Vikings-
Redskins at Eagles-
Rams at Cowboys-
Dec 21, 2005
So I'm thumbing through the newspaper the other night, trying to figure out which holiday movie the wife and I should go to, and upon soon realizing that the best Hollywood could come up with this year was a remake about a big monkey who climbs buildings and a flick about couple of cowboys who climb each other, the wife decided to do some scrapbooking (don't ask) and I decided to turn on the tv & get my nightly dose of sports. After a quick trip to the kitchen for a can of root beer and a handful of chocolate covered pretzels, my quest for the latest sports news began. I got somwehere between ESPN, ESPN 2, and The NFL Network when I realized that an extremely disturbing trend has formed. Actually, it's done more than just form, it's pretty much in full swing right now and about as out-of-control as a 25-foot tall homosexual gorilla riding bareback up on Brokeback Mountain. What am I talking about? Well, let me give you some hints.........
(Michael Irivn, ESPN) “YOU KNOW THAT WHEN THAT MAN’S IN THE GAME, YOU GOT TO GET THE BALL TO HIM. YOU GOT TO GET THE BALL IN HIS HANDS, I DON’T CARE WHO GETS UPSET, GET HIM THE BALL, PERIOD.”
(Stephen A. Smith, ESPN 2) “THE HEAT DON’T NEED PAT RILEY. WHAT THE HEAT NEEDS IS A HEALTHY SHAQ AND A LITTLE MORE HEART, AND ANYONE WHO WATCHES THIS TEAM NIGHT AFTER NIGHT LIKE I DO WOULD ALSO TELL YOU THAT DWYANE WADE NEEDS TO STEP UP HIS GAME LIKE WE ALL THOUGHT HE WOULD.”
(Sterling Sharpe, The NFL Network) “NOW WE ALL KNOW THE COLTS CAN SCORE TOUCHDOWNS BUT WHAT’S BEEN REALLY IMPRESSIVE THIS SEASON IS THE WAY THEIR DEFENSE HAS BEEN ABLE TO PUT PRESSURE ON OPPOSING QUARTERBACKS.”
(Solomon Wilcots, The NFL Network) “IT’S QUITE SIMPLE; WHEN THE COWBOYS KEEP PRESSURE OFF OF DREW BLEDSOE, HE CAN STILL MAKE PLAYS AND THE TEAM USUALLY WINS. WHEN HE’S HARASSED LIKE HE WAS LAST SUNDAY IN WASHINGTON, HIS LACK OF MOBILITY FORCES HIM TO TAKE SACKS AND THE OFFENSE REALLY SUFFERS.”
(Ron Jaworski, ESPN) “HERE, THE JAGUARS ARE LINED UP IN A STANDARD ‘COVER TWO’. YOU CAN SEE THAT THE SAFETY HAS THE RESPONSIBILITY OF COVERAGE OVER THE TOP BUT YOU’LL SEE AS THE PLAY DEVELOPS THAT HE GETS SUCKED IN BY THE PLAY-ACTION AND DOESN’T HAVE TIME TO RECOVER. THE RESULT IS AN EASY TOUCHDOWN.”
WHY ARE ALL OF THESE GUYS FUCKING YELLING AT US?!?!?!?!
Holy fucking shit! Seems like every time I tune in for some simple football analysis I feel like I'm eavesdropping in on a conversation at an old age home.
“TURN THE CHANNEL, I WANNA WATCH ‘MATLOCK’."
"I SAID, I WANNA WATCH ‘MATLOCK’."
"YOU WANT A SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS? "
"YOU HAVE A FAT COCK?"
"OH……NO, I DON’T HAVE ANY CRACK ROCK."
"YOU STUPID OLD BASTARD, TURN THE GODDAMN CHANNEL, I WAS IN THE WAR, I KILLED MEN WITH MY BARE HANDS, AAA-AAAARRRRRRGH…!”
Actually, it’s more like listening to Bobcat Goldthwait argue with Sam Kinison back when they were both still alive. Why not just say 'fuck it' & give all these assholes a microphone, an enormous megaphone, and place 'em in front of a huge stack of Marshall amps? Yeah, let ‘em hit about 160 on the decibel meter and cause me turn to the non-existent referee behind my couch for a courtesy time out "BECAUSE THE CROWD NOISE IS TOO LOUD TO CALL OUT THE PLAY".
What? Bob Goldthwait is still alive? Really? Okay, then.
Anyway, is this what they’re teaching them now over at ESPN U? Just yell reallllly loud & maybe people won’t notice that you’re making no sense whatsoever. And just in case that doesn’t work, wear some crazy suits that are way too big in the shoulders, hang down past your knees, but are somehow extremely tight around your manly biceps, throw in a neon tie, and just distract the fuck outta the folks.
Yes, I know that not all of these guys work at ESPN but they did all pass through there at some point in time. And while they were there, I sure wish they would’ve taken a cue from guys like Tom Jackson and Mike Tirico, guys who give intelligent insight while talking in a conversational tone. Instead, it seems they all hung out on the side of the lunchroom with Dick Vitale, Lee Corso, and Mel Kiper, Jr. That’s the holy trinity right there. The Father, Son, and Holy Hairdo in the art of yelling at the camera. I can’t tell if these guys are trying to sell me used cars, shag carpet, or talk me into something that's strong enough to cut through a pop can yet still sharp enough to delicately give me perfect tomato slices. Sometimes I have to flip over to C-Span just to calm my nerves for a minute. C-Span and a shot of Benadryl, that usually does the trick.
I know, it could be worse. Instead of an overabundance of screamers, there could be an overabundance of mush-mouths like Shannon Sharpe, or an overabundance of surly, tyring-to-hard-to-be-controversial guys like Sean Salisbury. But for the love of God, QUIT YELLING AT ME! Just dial the shit down a notch or twelve. It’s just football, and we’re a willing audience. It’s not like you’re trying to diffuse a prison riot at Rikers. Seriously, if I want to be yelled at, I'll pack a couple bottles of wine, a small gerbil, some petroleum jelly, and take Gilbert Gottfried & Mama Squintz up to Brokeback Mountain. Speaking of which, shouldn't that movie be called Cumback Mountain? I SAID, SHOULDN'T THAT MOVIE BE CALLED CUMBACK MOUNTAIN? Just a thought.
On with the Matchups......
Falcons at Bucs-
Hey, is that a reindeer staring into your headlights? Oh, no wait, it's just Chris Simms. Hi, Chris.
Bills at Bengals-
Fuck Takeo, Fuck-Fuck Takeo, Hey! Sing it with me....Fuck Takeo, Fuck-Fuck Takeo!
Cowboys at Panthers-
Hey Drew, Stonehenge called. It wants its' mobility back.
Lions at Saints-
Honestly, I would rather bite my nails 'til they bleed. My toenails.
Jaguars at Texans-
Nice stretch run for the Jags to get warmed up for the playoffs, huh? Last week the Niners, this week the Texans.... Can't wait to see who's on the schedule next Sunday. Maybe the Temple Owls, or possibly a gang of coke-addicted midget quadrapelegics from Circus Town.
Speaking of freakish midgets.........
Giants at Redskins-
.... I don't know about all this talk of Tiki Barber for MVP but he sure is an inspiration to "little people" everywhere, ain't he? That's one tough little munchkin.
Steelers at Browns-
Just in case you were wondering, this week I'm a huge Browns fan. Why?
Because Fuck Hines Ward, that's why.
Chargers at Chiefs-
Anybody else sick & tired of hearing that the Chargers are one of the best two or three teams in the league? "THEY'RE ONE OF THE LEAGUES TOP TWO OR THREE TEAMS AND THEY MIGHT NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS." ....... "WHAT A SHAME THAT POSSIBLY THE BEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE MAY MISS THE POSTSEASON."
Waaaah, Waaaah, Waaaaah. Maybe the best team in the league shouldn't have lost to the Dolphins two weeks ago. Get over it.
Niners at Rams-
Mark it down: "The San Fransisco Forty Niners are now on the clock."
Karma baby, karma!
Titans at Dolphins-
The Dolphins have won four in a row? Congratulations, here's a cookie.
Eagles at Cardinals-
McMahon. McCown. McHorrible NFC action, this Saturday on FOX!
Colts at Seahawks-
Tony Dungy said he was kinda relieved that the Colts lost last week because now they wouldn't have to answer all those questions about whether they could go undefeated. Wow. Those were tough questions to deal with? Really? Try answering questions like, "Where were you last Wednesday night between the hours of 1am and 3am.",.... "What are you doing with a bottle of chloroform, rope, and a muddy shovel in your trunk.",.... "Why did we find blood matching that of the victim's on your work boots?",.... "Who is Keyser Soze?"....
Raiders at Broncos-
The Norv Turner Farewell Tour hits the Mile High City!
Bears at Packers-
After this one, Brett Favre will officially be known as Brett Avre. Why? Because the.....Um...Yes, you in the third row.
"Um, because the Bears are going to knock the "F" out of him?"
Correct. Very good. What's your name?
Stacey, you're very bright. Cute, too. I like the belly ring and the cute little tattoo there. How old are you?
See me after class, please.
Vikings at Ravens-
The 2005 Felony Bowl, this Sunday night, only on ESPN!
(Monday Night) Patriots at Jets-
What an absolutely fantastic way to end my 10-day Christmas vacation. Thanks, ABC.
Dec 13, 2005
So I’m watching the late news last night, and somewhere between the “first weather check”, a tease on the upcoming weather forecast, the complete weather forecast, and “a last check on Weather”, they managed to fit in a whopping three minute sports report with Ken Broo. Yep, Ken Broo, sports guru. Why did I opt to watch Ken Broo? Good question. The answer: Because my other choices were Denny Janson and Harvey Smilovitz, that's why. When faced with a decision between a swarmy, gray-hair-parted-down-the-middle non-athletic weasel, a cheesy, no-neck non-athletic weasel and a red-headed, pock-marked, self-absorbed non-athletic weasel,..... I chose the latter. Must've been the mood I was in, I don't know.
Speaking of Ken Broo, I've been thinking about this and I'd be willing to bet that the only balls he’s ever handled were ones that were attached to Pat Barry. And speaking of Pat Barry, wasn't he the last of the weather man around here who wasn’t a meteorologist? He was definitely the last drunken sexual deviant weather man in town, but I believe also the last non-meteorologist. And exactly when did we start needing meteorologists? And why do they study meteors? And what happened to the funny weather guys and the smoking hot weather girls? What was wrong with those concepts? I say bring 'em back.
I really don’t need twelve minutes of meteorology school right in the middle of the 11:00 newscast. I don’t need to know about high pressure systems moving through Topeka or cold air masses coming down from Calgary or what kind of crazy weather baby they’re going to create once they collide. All I really need to know is:
What the weather’s going to be like for the next few days.
What the temperature is now (just as a point of reference) and,
Are any cool natural disasters occurring somewhere right now?
How long should that take? Two, maybe three minutes? Get in, get out, get onto the sports. And while you’re doing it, do it with a hot weather girl (pun intended), or even a borderline-insane funny weather guy. Sure, go ahead & have a meteorologist on staff, just don’t put him on camera. Trot the weather girl out there and have her say something like, "Gary the meteorologist told me to tell you that it’s going to be sunny but cold tomorrow. The temperature today was fifty one degrees but the temperature’s going to drop to about thirty-five, which means I’ll probably have to wear a coat over this bikini top and short-shorts. Do you like them? Hee-hee. I thought I’d wear orange because the Bengals won yesterday. Who Dey! Anyway, Gary also wanted me to show you this film footage of a mudslide in Bangladesh. Glad we’re not there, huh? Ooh, that looks yucky. Okay, well, don't forget to wear a coat tomorrow and..... Oh my, look (pointing to her chest) all this talk of cold weather has made my nippies hard, look. Back to you, Dave. Dave, are you okay?.”
Or the funny, borderline-insane guy…..
”Nice day today, huh? Fifty degrees, sunny, slight breeze. Well, Gary the meteorologist sucks. He says it’s going to be about thirty five and windy tomorrow. What a jerkwad. But take that forecast with a grain of salt. Gary was up late last night drinking Kaluha Mudslides with one of our interns, so he may not be reading the Boppler Doppler too well today. Speaking of mudslides, take a look at what’s going on in Northern Kentucky……hope you don’t have any relatives living along the river….Wow!........Actually, those were scenes from Bangladesh. That’s kinda close to Kentucky, right? Ooh, what are those houses doing, mudwrestling each other? Those Bangladeshers must’ve pissed off one of their crazy gods or something, eh? Okay, well, we’ll try to sober-up Gary & hopefully we’ll have footage of some more mudslides or a tornado or something tomorrow if we're lucky. Back to you, Dave. By the way Dave, nice new toupee.”
Okay, I’m slightly retarded. The point is, keep the weather short and light. Sports is serious business, not weather. I don’t think anyone lost their kids’ college money because they missed the Over-Under on the amount of precipitation that fell on Sunday, do you? Give me a knowledgeable sports guy and let him have the 3-D weathermap graphics to breakdown plays.
And let's get rid of the international news on the local newscasts, shall we?. The networks already cover it and cover it much better, so why bother. Let Peter Jennings, er, Dan Rather, er Tom Brokaw, er.....let somebody at the network desks take care of it. And while we’re at it, let’s also stop with all the “Don’t waste your money” guys, the “Consumer Watchdog” guys, and all of the ridiculous Health reports (coffee's good for you, no it's not, yes it is, no it's not, yes it is...). If you’re not smart enough to shop around for the best price, to not give all your money up-front to some dirtbag who’s going to remodel your kitchen, and to schedule regular checkups with your own doctor, then you should probably put the remote control down & bone-up to take the G.E.D.
Once the easliy confused are removed from the equation, we can get rid of all the newscast clutter. And while we're still at it, here's a novel idea- How about somebody showing some balls and breaking the three-headed News-Sports-Weather format in favor something a little more progressive? I say we break the news down to four basic food groups:
1) Crime & Punishment
2) Sports & Leisure
3) Local Politics
4) Local Events
Sprinkle-in a quick weather report, a quick financial report, a rundown of the winning lottery numbers, and Bam!, there’s your newscast. And by my calculations, this could easily be done within a half-hour time frame. Reduce the local news from an hour to a half-hour, follow by filling with a Seinfeld rerun to break things up, then on to the national news. It’s like the kids in Western Pennsylvania used to say to a young Billy Cowher, “Say it, don’t spray it. I want the news, not the weather.” Well, whaddya know.... ironically, I've spent so much time talking about the weather forecasts, I've only got about three minutes to squeeze in some football talk. On with the Matchups.....
Bucs at Patriots-
The Tampa Bay Bucs. Cold weather. Chris Simms. Big game.
You do the math.
Chiefs at Giants-
Mid-December. The Meadowlands. Swirling winds.
Given the recent history of these two teams, I'm guessing this one ends in a tie after Jay Feeley and Lawrence Tynes take several turns missing field goals. I'm also guessing that both leg-swingers get atomic wedgies administered before leaving their respective locker rooms.
Broncos at Bills-
The Broncos strong running game. Buffalo's 31st-ranked rush defense. JP Losman.
Hurry, catch The Mike Mularkey Farewell Tour before it's too late!
Cardinals at Texans-
Reggie Bush. Reggie Bush. Reggie Bush.
The Houston Texans are now on the clock.
Panthers at Saints-
A must-win for the Panthers. A short week for the displaced Saints. Human excrement still floating in the streets of New Orleans.
The only question here is what the Saints will do with their suddenly redundant name once they move to San Antonio. Will they be the San Antonio Saints, the San Antonio Santos, the San Antonio's, or opt for something completely different like, the San Antonio Lando and Dawns. Wait......wait......("Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree") .....there ya go.
Jets at Dolphins-
Brooks Bollinger. Gus Frerotte. It's the Jets versus the Dolphins, this Sunday on CBS!
Eagles at Rams-
(not to be outdone.....)
Mike McMahon. Ryan Fitzpatrick. The Eagles battle the Rams, this Sunday on FOX!
Steelers at Vikings-
Must-win for Pittsburgh. Must-win for Minnesota. The Vikes' post-sex orgy streak is on the line.
If my grandma ever taught me anything, it was to never, ever bet against a post-sex orgy streak. Take the purple heads.
Chargers at Colts-
San Diego has to have it. Indy doesn't need it. But, Indy still wants it.
Have I mentioned before that an old college roommate of mine once had hot monkey sex with Marty Schottenheimer's daughter? I have? Well, just consider it a reminder.
Seahawks at Titans-
The NFL's #1-ranked offense. The NFL's #1-ranked cookie duster.
Should be a nice warm-up for Seattle as they get ready for Indy next week. Kinda like sparring with a stroke victim. Stay sharp, work on your jab, watch out for his drool....
Niners at Jaguars-
Montana. Rice. Taylor.
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!!!
(yes, I know they suck now. And yes, I'm still bitter anyway.)
Bengals at Lions-
Feminine mannerisms. High-pitched voice. Whispers in the clubhouse.
Yep, Jeff Garcia sure is a homo.
Browns at Raiders-
Tui. Aso. Sopo.
Me thinks that Randy Moss is developing a nice case of The Ass right about now, don't you?
Cowboys at Redskins-
Bledsoe's deal with the devil. Brunell's deal with the devil.
My sources tell me that Satan has his attorneys working overtime, looking for a loophole in either one of the contracts.
Falcons at Bears-
An injured Vick or a healthy Schaub? A healthy Orton or a rusty Grossman?
I'll take a healthy Schaub over an injured Vick, a rusty Grossman over a healthy Orton, an injured Vick over a healthy Orton, and an injured Vick over a rusty Grossman, and I'd definitely take a healthy Schaub over a healthy Orton. And I'd take a herpes-infested Ron Mexico over a VD-free Jeff Blake any night of the week.
(Monday Night) Packers at Ravens-
The 2-10 Packers. The 4-9 Ravens.
Are you ready for some shitty fucking football!?!?!
Dec 7, 2005
Once again, congratulations to Black Bart for running the table last week, going 18-0 en route to winning Week 13 with a whopping 168 points. A perfect week. Quite impressive.
Also quite annoying.
You know, there’s a lot of “perfect” going around this football season. The Indy Colts are 12-0 and shooting for the first perfect season in the NFL since the Dolphins of ‘72, the USC Trojans are 12-0 and also shooting for a perfect season (as well as a third straight National Championship), and the Texas Longhorns are 12-0 and looking for their first national title since 1970. Three great teams who can all just, well, quite frankly, who can all just go to hell.
Seriously, we don’t need people raising the bar like this, do we? This is America. We like it when people overcome shortcomings, go through a little strife, come from out of nowhere and emerge as the victorious battered & bloodied underdog. We like David, not Goliath. Rocky Balboa, not Apollo Creed. And we certainly don’t need anyone raising the bar to “Perfect”. As a brilliant songwriter once wrote, “Nothing’s perfect except God and a California sunset.” The word "perfect" should be reserved only for things that are subjective, like the perfect wine to go with poached salmon, the perfect gift for Mother’s Day, the perfect time to take a Caribbean cruise, the perfect storm, the perfect cheer, and the perfect place to hide a crack pipe that your friend brought to your house on Thanksgiving.
-A gift certificate to a day spa
-The convergence of three weather systems that swallowed-up the Andrea Gail & its' captain George Clooney off the coast of Nova Scotia in 1991
-"I'm Arianna, I have team spirit, I don't do drugs, so check me out. Cha cha butchee, cha cha cha butchee Roll call.
My name is Craig, I did drugs once, I am a spartan, so check me out. So check us out. U.G.L.Y. you ain't got no alibi. You're ugly, hey hey your ugly."
-Anywhere but in your own car.}
We don’t need things that are measurably perfect. Billions of dollars are spent each year on diet pills, diet plans, and cosmetic surgeries because women think that there’s a standard for physical perfection. Could you just imagine the full-scale psychosis that would ensue if that was something we could actually measure? Same goes for football and everything else, only on a less estrogenical level. Keep the bar set at “above average”or below. That way, we won't feel so bad when we fail. We can just shrug our shoulders and say, "Hey, nobody's perfect" and still feel okay about ourselves. Well, except for us Paloozers because Black Bart just fucked that up for us.
At least if the Colts, Trojans, or Longhorns go undefeated it won't be a new phenomenon in the NFL or College Football. There have been plenty of no-loss college national champions and Daddy Shula's Dolphins have been popping champagne for more than a quarter century now. But Bart's perfect week was a kidney punch we hadn't experienced before and quite honestly weren't really ready for. But it happened. So what do we do? Go on with the knowledge that no matter how good a week you have, you can never top 18-0? Or maybe we'll just have to use it as motivation and accept Barts' Week 13 as a sign of his superior brilliance. Or maybe............maybe we all agree to wipe Bart from all Palooza documents, return his money to him, and go on as if he never existed, swearing to never speak of him again, and thus giving back to each of us our false senses of self-worth and accomplishment.
Dare I say it but, that sounds like the perfect idea.
Now, on with the Matchups…..
Bears at Steelers-
Show of hands........who else wanted to jam a live snapping turtle up Hines Ward's sphincter when he was doing the Ickey Shuffle last Sunday?
Browns at Bengals-
Chad Johnson guaranteed that the Bengals would score at least 40 points a game for the rest of the regular season. The funniest part of that statement is that it actually doesn't seem that ridiculous. Who Dey, baby!
Texans at Titans-
For the love of God, please divert your eyes! Just a glimspe of this unholy matchup could turn your eyes to stone and melt the flesh from your bones.
Jaguars at Colts-
For the record, Jags quarterback David Garrard shall henceforth be referred to as "Kevin Mitchell". Please make a note of it.
Patriots at Bills-
Hey Corey Dillon and Takeo Spikes,..... Eat shit muthafuckas!
Raiders at Jets-
J-E-T-S Suck, Suck, Suck!!!
Rams at Vikings-
When the Vikes got out to an ugly 2-5 start I thought they were as dead as Emilio Estevez' career. Now they're 7-5 and in the thick of the Wildcard race. Unbelievable. Maybe Emilio should take a clue from the Vikings and go rent a yacht & bang some trashy Minnesota whore to turn his luck around. Hey, could somebody get Prince on the phone please?
Bucs at Panthers-
Ever notice that I always type "Bucs"? It's because I'm really not sure if you spell it Buccaneers, Bucanneers, or Buccanneers.
Giants at Eagles-
Andy Reid's brain on Tuesday morning: Mike McMahon or Koy Dettmer?, Mike McMahon or Koy Dettmer?, Mike McMahon or Koy Dettmer?, Fuck me in the ass or Fuck me in the ass?....
Niners at Seahawks-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to Hell!!!!!!!
Redskins at Cardinals-
Two former division rivals battle for absolutely nothing, this Sunday on FOX!
Ravens at Broncos-
Hasn't it been nice to go through almost an entire season without having to hear anything come out of Ray Lewis' pie hole?
Chiefs at Cowboys-
Apparently Drew Bledsoe has missed a couple of interest payments to Satan.
Dolphins at Chargers-
Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't Sage a stripper's name?
Lions at Packers-
ESPN's Sunday Night Showdown!
Seriously, I think a brilliant move would be for ESPN to say nothing and just have Patrick, Theisman and McGuire do play-by-play of an old Detroit-Green Bay game from like 1997 when Brett Favre and Barry Sanders were in their primes. Would anyone complain? Yes. Would anyone outside of Green Bay complain? No. Would it be hilarious? Yes. What are we waiting for?- go find that tape!
(Monday Night) Saints at Falcons-
Are you ready for a beat-down?! A Monday Night bloodbath!
Sidenote: Hey Falcon fans, sure Ron Mexico is the most athletic herpes-infested football player on the planet, but go ahead & take a good look at Aaron Brooks. That's what R-Mex is going to look like when he loses a step. Not good times.