So I’m watching the late news last night, and somewhere between the “first weather check”, a tease on the upcoming weather forecast, the complete weather forecast, and “a last check on Weather”, they managed to fit in a whopping three minute sports report with Ken Broo. Yep, Ken Broo, sports guru. Why did I opt to watch Ken Broo? Good question. The answer: Because my other choices were Denny Janson and Harvey Smilovitz, that's why. When faced with a decision between a swarmy, gray-hair-parted-down-the-middle non-athletic weasel, a cheesy, no-neck non-athletic weasel and a red-headed, pock-marked, self-absorbed non-athletic weasel,..... I chose the latter. Must've been the mood I was in, I don't know.
Speaking of Ken Broo, I've been thinking about this and I'd be willing to bet that the only balls he’s ever handled were ones that were attached to Pat Barry. And speaking of Pat Barry, wasn't he the last of the weather man around here who wasn’t a meteorologist? He was definitely the last drunken sexual deviant weather man in town, but I believe also the last non-meteorologist. And exactly when did we start needing meteorologists? And why do they study meteors? And what happened to the funny weather guys and the smoking hot weather girls? What was wrong with those concepts? I say bring 'em back.
I really don’t need twelve minutes of meteorology school right in the middle of the 11:00 newscast. I don’t need to know about high pressure systems moving through Topeka or cold air masses coming down from Calgary or what kind of crazy weather baby they’re going to create once they collide. All I really need to know is:
What the weather’s going to be like for the next few days.
What the temperature is now (just as a point of reference) and,
Are any cool natural disasters occurring somewhere right now?
How long should that take? Two, maybe three minutes? Get in, get out, get onto the sports. And while you’re doing it, do it with a hot weather girl (pun intended), or even a borderline-insane funny weather guy. Sure, go ahead & have a meteorologist on staff, just don’t put him on camera. Trot the weather girl out there and have her say something like, "Gary the meteorologist told me to tell you that it’s going to be sunny but cold tomorrow. The temperature today was fifty one degrees but the temperature’s going to drop to about thirty-five, which means I’ll probably have to wear a coat over this bikini top and short-shorts. Do you like them? Hee-hee. I thought I’d wear orange because the Bengals won yesterday. Who Dey! Anyway, Gary also wanted me to show you this film footage of a mudslide in Bangladesh. Glad we’re not there, huh? Ooh, that looks yucky. Okay, well, don't forget to wear a coat tomorrow and..... Oh my, look (pointing to her chest) all this talk of cold weather has made my nippies hard, look. Back to you, Dave. Dave, are you okay?.”
Or the funny, borderline-insane guy…..
”Nice day today, huh? Fifty degrees, sunny, slight breeze. Well, Gary the meteorologist sucks. He says it’s going to be about thirty five and windy tomorrow. What a jerkwad. But take that forecast with a grain of salt. Gary was up late last night drinking Kaluha Mudslides with one of our interns, so he may not be reading the Boppler Doppler too well today. Speaking of mudslides, take a look at what’s going on in Northern Kentucky……hope you don’t have any relatives living along the river….Wow!........Actually, those were scenes from Bangladesh. That’s kinda close to Kentucky, right? Ooh, what are those houses doing, mudwrestling each other? Those Bangladeshers must’ve pissed off one of their crazy gods or something, eh? Okay, well, we’ll try to sober-up Gary & hopefully we’ll have footage of some more mudslides or a tornado or something tomorrow if we're lucky. Back to you, Dave. By the way Dave, nice new toupee.”
Okay, I’m slightly retarded. The point is, keep the weather short and light. Sports is serious business, not weather. I don’t think anyone lost their kids’ college money because they missed the Over-Under on the amount of precipitation that fell on Sunday, do you? Give me a knowledgeable sports guy and let him have the 3-D weathermap graphics to breakdown plays.
And let's get rid of the international news on the local newscasts, shall we?. The networks already cover it and cover it much better, so why bother. Let Peter Jennings, er, Dan Rather, er Tom Brokaw, er.....let somebody at the network desks take care of it. And while we’re at it, let’s also stop with all the “Don’t waste your money” guys, the “Consumer Watchdog” guys, and all of the ridiculous Health reports (coffee's good for you, no it's not, yes it is, no it's not, yes it is...). If you’re not smart enough to shop around for the best price, to not give all your money up-front to some dirtbag who’s going to remodel your kitchen, and to schedule regular checkups with your own doctor, then you should probably put the remote control down & bone-up to take the G.E.D.
Once the easliy confused are removed from the equation, we can get rid of all the newscast clutter. And while we're still at it, here's a novel idea- How about somebody showing some balls and breaking the three-headed News-Sports-Weather format in favor something a little more progressive? I say we break the news down to four basic food groups:
1) Crime & Punishment
2) Sports & Leisure
3) Local Politics
4) Local Events
That’s it.
Sprinkle-in a quick weather report, a quick financial report, a rundown of the winning lottery numbers, and Bam!, there’s your newscast. And by my calculations, this could easily be done within a half-hour time frame. Reduce the local news from an hour to a half-hour, follow by filling with a Seinfeld rerun to break things up, then on to the national news. It’s like the kids in Western Pennsylvania used to say to a young Billy Cowher, “Say it, don’t spray it. I want the news, not the weather.” Well, whaddya know.... ironically, I've spent so much time talking about the weather forecasts, I've only got about three minutes to squeeze in some football talk. On with the Matchups.....
Bucs at Patriots-
The Tampa Bay Bucs. Cold weather. Chris Simms. Big game.
You do the math.
Chiefs at Giants-
Mid-December. The Meadowlands. Swirling winds.
Given the recent history of these two teams, I'm guessing this one ends in a tie after Jay Feeley and Lawrence Tynes take several turns missing field goals. I'm also guessing that both leg-swingers get atomic wedgies administered before leaving their respective locker rooms.
Broncos at Bills-
The Broncos strong running game. Buffalo's 31st-ranked rush defense. JP Losman.
Hurry, catch The Mike Mularkey Farewell Tour before it's too late!
Cardinals at Texans-
Reggie Bush. Reggie Bush. Reggie Bush.
The Houston Texans are now on the clock.
Panthers at Saints-
A must-win for the Panthers. A short week for the displaced Saints. Human excrement still floating in the streets of New Orleans.
The only question here is what the Saints will do with their suddenly redundant name once they move to San Antonio. Will they be the San Antonio Saints, the San Antonio Santos, the San Antonio's, or opt for something completely different like, the San Antonio Lando and Dawns. Wait......wait......("Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree") .....there ya go.
Jets at Dolphins-
Brooks Bollinger. Gus Frerotte. It's the Jets versus the Dolphins, this Sunday on CBS!
Eagles at Rams-
(not to be outdone.....)
Mike McMahon. Ryan Fitzpatrick. The Eagles battle the Rams, this Sunday on FOX!
Steelers at Vikings-
Must-win for Pittsburgh. Must-win for Minnesota. The Vikes' post-sex orgy streak is on the line.
If my grandma ever taught me anything, it was to never, ever bet against a post-sex orgy streak. Take the purple heads.
Chargers at Colts-
San Diego has to have it. Indy doesn't need it. But, Indy still wants it.
Have I mentioned before that an old college roommate of mine once had hot monkey sex with Marty Schottenheimer's daughter? I have? Well, just consider it a reminder.
Seahawks at Titans-
The NFL's #1-ranked offense. The NFL's #1-ranked cookie duster.
Should be a nice warm-up for Seattle as they get ready for Indy next week. Kinda like sparring with a stroke victim. Stay sharp, work on your jab, watch out for his drool....
Niners at Jaguars-
Montana. Rice. Taylor.
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!!!
(yes, I know they suck now. And yes, I'm still bitter anyway.)
Bengals at Lions-
Feminine mannerisms. High-pitched voice. Whispers in the clubhouse.
Yep, Jeff Garcia sure is a homo.
Browns at Raiders-
Tui. Aso. Sopo.
Me thinks that Randy Moss is developing a nice case of The Ass right about now, don't you?
Cowboys at Redskins-
Bledsoe's deal with the devil. Brunell's deal with the devil.
My sources tell me that Satan has his attorneys working overtime, looking for a loophole in either one of the contracts.
Falcons at Bears-
An injured Vick or a healthy Schaub? A healthy Orton or a rusty Grossman?
I'll take a healthy Schaub over an injured Vick, a rusty Grossman over a healthy Orton, an injured Vick over a healthy Orton, and an injured Vick over a rusty Grossman, and I'd definitely take a healthy Schaub over a healthy Orton. And I'd take a herpes-infested Ron Mexico over a VD-free Jeff Blake any night of the week.
Signed,
Mama Squintz
(Monday Night) Packers at Ravens-
The 2-10 Packers. The 4-9 Ravens.
Are you ready for some shitty fucking football!?!?!
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