Show me, don't tell me, You've figured out the score...Show me, don't tell me, I've heard it all before...Show me, don't tell me, I don't care what you say...Show me, don't tell me...You can twist perceptions, Reality won't budge...You can raise objections, I will be the judge...And the jury...I'll give it due reflection, Watching from the fence...Give the jury direction, Based on the evidence...I, the jury...Show, Don't tell

Oct 26, 2004

Week 8 Matchups

I am coming to you LIVE from sick bay! That’s right, I’m fucking sick. My daughter got sick, passed it to my wife, and now I am the newest lucky owner of a fever, congestion, hacking cough, and a sore throat. The only thing making me feel good right now is watching the Red Sox beat the tar out of the Cardinals. I just hope I’m not hallucinating from all the codine I’ve ingested. I may be mistaken, but I believe that Fox played Nelson's “After the Rain” on their way to commercial in the middle of the first inning. I know it rained all day in St. Louis but do we really have to be so literal with the bumper music? When the end result is a Nelson song, the answer should always be an emphatic “NO”. That had to be a good conversation in the control truck-
Hey Tom, do we have any good bumper music that refers to rain, or rainy days, or when it stops raining, or anything like that?” “Well, we could go with ‘I Love a Rainy Night’, or ‘Fire and Rain’, or ‘The Rain Song’ by Led Zeppelin, or…….ooh, I know, I’ve got a Nelson cassette in my car & it has the perfect song on it. I’ll be right back!”


And to make my head pound even more, the first thing I hear when they come back from commercial is Joe Buck reading a couple live spots for Aquafina and Viagra. What do you think our grandfathers would’ve said if we told them there would come a day when people paid good money to buy water and to get their dicks hard? I don’t know about you, but if I want water I just grab a glass and turn on the faucet. And ever since I was fourteen, if I need to sport some quick wood, all I need to do is close my eyes and replay the Phoebe Cates pool scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. That always works, except of course when I’ve had too much cough medicine. Like now.....Great, Squint's Mom is gonna be here in 5 minutes and I've got a limp rope. Goddammit. Guess I'll just hand her a banana & go to bed.

Hey, don’t know if you guys have noticed but this Sunday is Halloween. Therefore, I give you the Week 8 Matchups with a little Trick-or-Treat slant. Forgive me.

Oklahoma at Oklahoma State-
Pandemonium in the Panhandle State!
I thought this game to be appropriate since Halloween is all about sending our kids out into the streets like roving bands of panhandlers. But not just your ordinary run-of-the-mill panhandlers, no, they're panhandlers wearing masks and threatening a "trick" should they not receive a handout. Isn't this felonious behavior? I dare say that if a dude came up to you at an exit ramp, put on a scary mask & demanded a handout or else, he'd soon be in need of a public defender.

Arizona State at Cal-
I did some research and discovered that among the Arizona State alumni are Reggie Jackson, Al Michaels, Barry Bonds, David Spade, and, of course, Thornton Mellon.
Among the Cal-Berkeley alumni are Andy Messersmith and a whole lot of tree-hugging liberals. Unless any of them can perform a Triple Lindy, I'm taking the Sun Devils.

Ravens at Eagles-
Remember when you went Trick-or-Treating and there was always that one house that handed out those little fucking boxes of raisins? Twenty bucks says that in one upscale Baltimore suburb, Brian Billick's house is that house.

Giants at Vikings-
Rumor has it that Tiki Barber is dressing up as Ronde Barber this Halloween.....

Cardinals at Bills-
Rumor also has it that Grammatica I is dressing up as Grammatica II this Halloween.....

Bucs (bye)-
.....Aaaaand rumor has it that Ronde Barber and Grammatica II are dressing up as Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson this Halloween. Interesting.

Bengals at Titans-
Honestly, I'm still a bit stunned and disoriented from Monday night. How about we just check out the latest Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week (see above link).

Falcons at Broncos-
Anybody want to go over to George Foster's house with me and Tony Williams on "Damage Night"? A little toilet paper, a couple dozen eggs, some spray paint, and of course, a flaming bag of poo. Stay together, act quickly, and whatever you do, don't get caught like Patrick Dempsey did in Can't Buy Me Love.
"You shit on my house man, YOU SHIT ON MY HOUSE!!!"

Jaguars at Texans-
I'm not asking this, I'm demanding it: Jags punter Chris Hanson has got to go out this Halloween dressed up like an axe-murderer victim.

Colts at Chiefs- Remember in the very first Friday the 13th when Jason did all that damage up at Crystal Lake? He was devastating. Couldn't be stopped. A man on a mission to destroy everything in his path. Very much like the Colts offense at Arrowhead in the playoffs last year. Made it through the entire game without being forced to punt even once. Remember what happened in Friday the 13th Part 2? Uh, really pretty much just more of the same. Good luck Dickie V.

Patriots at Steelers-
To celebrate this Halloween Sunday with their fans, the Steelers are giving away four commemorative bobbleheads to the first 35,000 people through the gates. Each bobblehead depicts a Steeler Great, with a little Halloween twist. There's Scary Bradshaw, Francostein Harris, Draculynn Swann, and the one that's sure to be the most popular, Mummy Brister. Be sure to get there early!

Caution: You are about to enter the Paranormal Zone of this week's Matchups. What you are about to read was not meant for young children or for the faint of heart....

Raiders at Chargers- If the Chargers win, their record will improve to 5-3.

Lions at Cowboys- If the Lions win, they will improve their road record this year to 3-0.

Thank you for visiting the Paranormal Zone. Sorry if you were shocked, startled, or wet your pants due to what we just shared with you.

Packers at Redskins-
Why do the Skins suck so badly? Two words: Bad quarterbacking.

Brunnell, Ramsey, Hasselbeck 2.........I haven't seen that many dead arms in one place since Texas Chainsaw Massacre II. Oh, yeah, and in the Reds bullpen last season.

Panthers at Seahawks- Tough times in Seattle. The season was going so smoothly, leading by seventeen at home against the Rams, just six minutes from a 4-0 start, then the Rams came back from out of nowhere & it's been all bad ever since. It's like Chris Farley said in Tommyboy- "You're drivin' along, you're drivin' along, the kids are yelling from the backseat- 'I gotta' go to the bathroom, Daddy.' 'Not now, dammit.' TRUCK TIRE! SCREECH! 'I can't stop! Aaaargh! HELP!' BAM!!! And your family's screamin', 'Oh my God, we're burning alive!, I can't feel my legs!' Here comes the meat wagon. Wee-ooh, Wee-ooh. And the medic gets out & says, 'Oh. My. God.' The young guy's puking his guts out in the corner, 'Raaaaalph, RAAAAALPHHHH'.

All because you wanted to save a few extra pennies."

Yeah, that's pretty much been the Seahawks since minute 54 of Week 4. And to make things worse, now they have a group of black cats from Carolina crossing their path on Halloween. That's a nice omen.

Niners at Bears-
Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to Hell!!!

(Monday Night) Dolphins at Jets- Best NFL-related costume for this Halloween: Rasta wig, Dolphins #34 jersey, camera hanging around the neck, flip-flops, and a water bong.

Oct 19, 2004

Week 7 Matchups

Man, am I tired. This Red Sox-Yankees series has me both physically and mentally exhausted. Over 14 hours of on-the-edge-of-your-seat baseball over the last three nights and I'm spent. I can only imagine how the diehards for each of those teams are doing today. It's probably safe to say that workplace production in the greater New York and Boston areas is next to nothing at this point. Are people in these cities even bothering to still go in to work? Better yet, are they still expected to call in, or is it just assumed that everyone is staying home to recover and receive psychiatric treatment? My guess is most of them have hit that exhaustion point usually reserved for triathalon competitors and pornstars trying to set gangbang records. And I'd be surprised if most of Red Sox Nation hasn't already scouted out the bridges and tall buildings nearby in case this thing turns out the wrong way.

Despite my personal exhuastion, I did manage to lift the pen a few times to take notes on some things I found interesting last night while watching the game and flipping channels during some of the down time- you know, pitching changes, meetings on the mound, commercial breaks, batting glove adjustments, multiple practice swings, and your typical procession of riot police on and off of the field. Here's some of what I noticed...

Am I crazy or is Jeannie Zelasko kinda hot? She's not as hot as our newest Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week (see above link), but she's strangely cute with a seemingly large rack of lamb. She just needs to dress better, you know, show us a little more of what she's workin' with. Tonight's ensemble of a black turtleneck with a striped light blue suit just isn't cutting it. Somebody get Wardrobe in here immediatley with either a French maid's uniform or Wonderwoman's boustierre, boots and hot shorts.

Kenny Albert looks like a living, breathing Crank Yankers puppet.
And by the way, just how many Albert brothers are there? Are they cloning them? I need to know.

Have you seen Tony Clark without his hat on? All gray. I honestly didn't know that Dr. Huxtable's father still played baseball, ever played baseball, or even that he was still alive.

Bellhorn's homerun just hit a Jawa and bounced to the ground, being ruled a double. The Yankees truly are The Empire. The Sox truly are cursed!

Now the umps have converged and reversed the call. I could be wrong but I think I saw Obi Wan Kenobi in their huddle. Jawas, Obi Wan, the ghost of the Bambino, Kenny Albert,.... this is going to be a wild night at the ballpark!

Scrubs is still by far the best comedy on television, and this year they've added the smoking-hot Heather Graham. The catch-phrase on tonight's episode: "Bastard-covered bastards with bastard filling." That's almost Shakespearian.

Is it just me or does Joe West's strike zone move around more than an amoeba in a lava lamp?

Obvious, jammed-down-our-throats catch-phrase for Fox sports tonight: "You can't script October".
That may be true, but apparently you can script your broadcast.

We're now up to 347 man-to-man kisses and counting on the Real World: Philadelphia tonight. Great. Would it really be to much to ask to see more of the needy whore with the fake boobs? Help a brother out, wouldja?

While I'm on the topic, nice fag-slap by A-Rod. My hatred for the Yankees has now reached an all-time high.

Great baseball town, New York. Where else would you get to see riot police hiding behind tarps?

Apparently Bronson Arroyo has dipped his tips. Bad idea. Hey, do you think his teammates call him "Balki"? And why is he in the game? This makes me nervous. Leave Schilling in there until his ankle detatches. And when that happens, leave him in there until he gives up a hit.

Red Sox win! More importantly, Yankees lose!!! Aaaa-aaa-aaa-aaa The Yankees Lose!!!!!
Holy crap, there's going to be a Game 7. I'm going to need a blood transfusion, a saline-drip, and a clean pair of shorts- Stat!

In the postgame interview we find out that Schilling's ankle was apparenly tended to by God. We also find out that tomorrow's game will pit Kevin Brown against Derek Lowe. Great, Derek Lowe. Nothing like throwing possibly the most mentally unstable pitcher in the majors out there with the weight of lifting The Curse hanging over his head. This has the final scene from The Scout written all over it. My money says we see Lowe and Albert Brooks standing on the Yankee Stadium roof sometime between the lineup card exchange and the end of the National Anthem. Ice-up the Pepsi Vanilla, I'll be ready!

Now, on to some football.

Oh, and before I begin I'd like to pass along that Squintz is getting a little sensitive all of a sudden over the rash of Mama Squintz jabs that have been flying around. Let's all try to be a little more considerate from here on out, okay? Now let's get on with the Matchups.......

Wyoming at Colorado State-
These two teams have been playing each other since 1899 and since 1968 they've been playing for the Bronze Boot. I have to admit, I'd heard of bronzing baby booties before, but not boots. As it turns out, I've since come to learn that you can bronze almost anything- silverware, stemware, clothing, sports equipment, musical instruments, Philipino hairdressers...- you name it, it can probably be bronzed.
Heck, last night Squintz' Mom told me that she even had her very first vibrator bronzed. Apparently she treasures it because it was given to her by her mother when she was seven years old. She was even kind enough to show it to me. It's quite impressive in size but also very old. As a matter of fact, it's so old that it actually has a hand crank. Took a lot of work for women to flick their beans back then.

Georgia at Arkansas-
Dawgs versus Hogs! Oooooo-eeeeeee!!!!!!!
You bring the cornbread, I'll bring the beans! Tap the keg, put on some Brooks & Dunn, and let's watch Mama Squintz lose her top on the dance floor!!!

Rams at Dolphins-
The Road to 0-16 continues, this Sunday on FOX!

Titans at Vikings-
Word out of Minnesooota is that Randy Moss' sore hamstring may keep him out of this one. That reminds me of a tongue twister:
Squintz' Mom suffered a severely sore hammy by smacking her fanny like a shammy on a salami.
I should seriously consider writing a children's book.

Lions at Giants-
Tommy Cough's team has started out very well. But there's something that makes me uneasy about this team, something not-quite-right with the situation that just makes me feel like it's all going to unravel at some point. It's kinda like when you take Squintz' Mom out to a daquiri bar on Ladies Night. Sure, the top comes off early and you're having a good time, but you know that eventually things are going to turn ugly and after midnight it's just gonna be a steady barrage of cursing, nagging, vomitting, and violence.

CAUTION: You are about to enter the Who Gives a Fuck? Zone of this week's Matchups.

Chargers at Panthers-

Bears at Bucs-

Bills at Ravens-
This is now getting ridiculous. What's the over/under line for this one? Six and a half? Really?
Oooh, give me the under.

Thank you for enduring the Who Gives a Fuck? Zone. Please continue but proceed with caution.

Eagles at Browns-
Just to refresh my memory, wasn't it the Browns who passed on Donovan McNabb & took Tim Couch with the first pick in the draft a few years ago? Yeah, just checking. That's gotta' go down as one of the worst decisions ever made in the city of Cleveland, right? It's right up there next to drafting Brad Daugherty instead of Michael Jordan, trading Rocky Colavito for Harvey Kuenn, and, of course, Paul Simon's induction into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame.

Jaguars at Colts-
Leftwich. Nay, I say Manwich.
Mama Squintz simply refers to him as "Jimmy's long-lost, incredibly more talented, and heterosexual younger brother".

Falcons at Chiefs-
Last week, Shannon Sharpe said the following: "Mike Vick needs to realize that to be a successful quarterback, he's going to have to throw the ball better." Ree-heeeeally? It's for that kind of analysis that Shannon gets paid the big bucks. Seriously, he's so fundamentally stupid that from time to time he makes Chris Mortensen sound mildly intelligent.

Jets at Patriots-
P!-A!-T!-S!, SUCK!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!!
(I'm sorry, but I knew this would happen eventually. They're too good. I must now hate them.)

Seahawks at Cardinals-
Denny Green AND Mike Holmgren in the desert for a full afternoon?!
By the end of this one they'll both be standing in sweat puddles so deep they'll look like the crime scene in a snowman homicide.
(Note: I was going to use the line "they'll look like they're standing in Mama Squintz after-sex sweat puddles" but I'm actually feeling a little bad about bashing her at this point.)

Cowboys at Packers-
What do Bill Parcells and Ahman Green have in common? They've both gotten underwater hummers from Squintz' Mom while relaxing in a jacuzzi.
(I said I was starting to feel bad, not that I was going to stop. There's a difference.)

Saints at Raiders-
Jim Haslett.
Norv Turner.
Let the chessmatch begin!

(Monday Night) Broncos at Bengals-
Nothing like a hard-core ass-fucking on national tv.

P.S. Mama Squintz says to take a bath in Epsom salts afterward. It helps with the swelling.

Oct 12, 2004

Week 6 Matchups

So, Superman's dead.
That kind of news would normally suck, but seeing as though he's been pretty useless in his whole "Saving the World" role the past few years, it's really not even front-page at this point. But in his defense, there weren't exactly a whole lot of crime-fighting techniques available to him. What was he going to do, become proficient with a blow dart? Even if he had learned to shoot poisonous projectiles like a world champion redneck seed-spitter, he still would've needed to take on a sidekick to hold the blow dart tube thingy up to his mouth, right? Not exactly something to strike fear in the hearts of the evil doers.

But still, Superman's dead and that sucks. We've got several Batmen, one five-foot two-inch Spiderman, and a Daredevil who just got dumped by a big-assed latino pop singer, but no more Superman. That's a problem. And not having a healthy & productive Superman is a problem we've been living with for way too long now. Do you think the World Trade Center would've been hit if Superman hadn't been confined to a wheelchair? No way. He would've darted into the sky, redirected those planes, and safely landed them at Laguardia. Then, he would've flown (faster than a speeding bullet of course) into Pennsylvania, and then on to D.C. and stopped those planes as well. Plus, do you honestly think that Bin Laden would still be on the run if Superman hadn't been on the Injured Reserve List? No chance. X-Ray vision and a Super Punch through the side of one of those Afghan mountains and he'd have plucked him out in no time. And how about the wildfires a couple years ago out west? Just a lung-full from Superdude would've put those puppies out like candles on a birthday cake. The hurricanes in Florida this summer? No problem, just a few Superspins around the storms in the opposite direction & viola, they're put to rest. The Space Shuttle disaster last year, the D.C. Sniper, the North Korean WMD issue, the ethnic cleansing in Bosnia, the coupling of Brigitte Nielsen and Flava Flav on The Surreal Life 3,......- No problem, no problem, no problem, no problem, aaaaaand no problem.

But here's the problem: we need to find a new Superman. And before you say it, No, Rodney Dangerfield and Ken Caminiti are no longer available. Speaking of Rodney Dangerfield, I'd like to think that when he got up to the Pearly Gates it went something like this:

Rodney: "Saint Peter, it's me, Rodney!"
St. Peter: "Rodney? Rodney who?"
Rodney: "Do I look Chinese to you? No, not Rodney Hoo, Rodney Dangerfield."
St. Peter: "I'm sorry Mr. Dangerfield, but you are not on the guest list."
Rodney: "What? Whaddya mean Not on the guest list? Why?"
St. Peter: "Apparently it was determined that you did not lead an honorable, Christian life."
Rodney: "Oh yeah? Well I'd like a second opinion."
St. Peter: "Okay. You're ugly, too."
Rodney: "Boy I tell ya'................"

This goes back to my whole "God has to have a great sense of humor" thing. I'm totally banking on that, you know. I mean, you did read the first paragraph, right?
So anyway, we need to find a replacement for Superman. But who? Who could slip on the tights, the boots, the cape, stick out the chest, and bring back world order? Well, not to digress, but speaking of sticking one's chest out, don't forget to check out our newest Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week (see above link). As for the new Superman, I've given this a lot of thought. I started by rifling through the normal cast of characters- you know, Keanu Reeves, Andrew McCarthy, Jon Cryer, Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, etc....but surprisingly I just couldn't find the right fit. Then it hit me. I was looking at it all backwards. Don't look at who could pull off bad acting in a bad costume, look for someone with the most important quality we as a society need from our Superman. Simply put: Look for someone who won't die!
Now the decision is easy. Just pick someone who seemingly can't be killed. Thinking.....thinking.....AHA!
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our next Superman,...........
Keith Richards.

Do you think a little kryptonite would bother Keith Richards? You know, I think he'd probably melt it down into a liquid, mix it with some scotch and sip it on the rocks. And I don't think we have to worry about any horseback riding injuries with him, either. Keith Richards on a horse? A whore maybe, but definitely not a horse. Sure, he'd have his problems staying sober and there might be a few mishaps with some errant heat vision & so forth, but who cares. He'd be like a hard-throwing closer with a serious lack of control. Like Nuke Laloosh with Superpowers. That should keep everyone on their toes.
Hey Bob, before you come over I thought I'd let you know to be a little careful. Superman just took out a bus on 17th street. Looks like he's angry tonight.
Great. Probably drinking Jagermeister again. He's so much nicer when he's just sipping vodka. Okay, be there in about twenty minutes.
Oh, wait. He just misfired with his Superbreath and took out the bridge. Better go through Central Park.
Goddammit Superman!

Keith Richards. Superman. I love it.
Rest well Mr. Reeves and don't worry about us mere mortals. Go ahead, sip on a tall glass of heavenly iced tea, play the kazoo, blow the hair out of your face and just relax. Our new Superman is on the job. He may not be perfect, but so what? You can't always get what you want. But you know, if you try sometimes,... you might find,... you get what'cha ne-eeed.

(And yes, there probably was room for a "Hey hey, You you, get off of my cloud" joke in there somewhere. But let's just move on, shall we?)

Now, on with the SuperMatchups of the week.........

Virginia at Florida State-
This is quite possibly the best squad Virginia has had in decades. Can the Seminoles squash them as usual? Let's put it this way, I think that by the beginning of the 4th quarter, the FSU faithful will be chanting "Ohhh-ohhhh-No-oooo-oh, Whoa-ohhhh-No-oooo-oh".

UCLA at Cal-
Seriously, shouldn't Cal change it's nickname from the Bears to the Ripkens? Let's get somebody on this.

Panthers at Eagles-
Speaking of nicknames, I've got a great marketing idea for the Iggles. They really need to take full advantage & capitalize on the great start for McNabb and T.O. Tell Donnie Mac to grow his hair out, then package him and Owens as "TO and 'FRO".
You know, it almost hurts being this creative.

Packers at Lions-
The Lions are 3-1 and have won two straight on the road. Meanwhile, the Packers are 1-4 and have lost three straight at home. Hmmmm. There's really only one thing to say to that: Superman, meet Bizarro. Bizarro, meet Superman.

Chiefs at Jaguars-
Congratulations to the Jags who managed to step on their own dicks down there in San Diego last week. Now they have to hold off a desperate yet talented KC team in order to avoid losing three in a row. Something tells me that the NFL Films review of the 2004 Jaguars will start off something like, "The season started well for these young, hungry Jaguars. But then, well, they started to really suck."

Chargers at Falcons-
After the Chargers upset of the Jaguars last Sunday, Officer Barbrady made the comment that Ladanian Tomlinson is the best running back he's ever seen and that includes Jim Brown. Mark that down as the first public dick-sucking of the season!

Bengals at Browns-
Here we have our first Parachute Game of the season. Two teams, one parachute. One team will float softly to the ground, with hope still alive and some momentum. The other will slam into the earth so hard that we'll need dental records to identify them.

Texans at Titans-
Steve McNair battled through a severely brusied sternum and led the Titans to more than 40 points in their Monday night victory in Green Bay, just proving once again that Irishmen do indeed make the best quarterbacks.

Broncos at Raiders (Part I)-
Speaking of Irish quarterbacks, have you seen Kerry Collins lately? Let's just say it looks like he's eating well. I caught a glimpse of hm in the Raiders highlights last week & for a few seconds I thought I was watching Sebastian Janikowski rolling out on a fake field goal. Not good. When one of your quarterbacks is in a neck brace and the other looks like he just swallowed an entire ham, you may have a problem.

Dolphins at Bills-
The bad news: The Road to 0-16 will lose one team this week.
The good news: The Road to 0-16 is guaranteed to continue for one team this week!

Seahawks at Patriots-
I couldn't help but notice that Mike Holmgren was wearing a pink Breast Cancer Awareness ribbon on his sweater last Sunday. That's nice. But seeing as though his team blew a 17-point lead to the Rams with less than six minutes to go, he might've been better suited for the brown Unexpected Ass-Reaming Awareness ribbon.

Niners at Jets-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to Hell!!!!!

Redskins at Bears-
Coach Gibbs, the phone is for you. It's Dr. Kevorkian.

Broncos at Raiders (Part II)-
The Vegas line is 2 to 1 that Jerry Rice catches a pass this week.
The line is 3 to 1 that he catches two passes.
The line is 5 to 1 that he catches a touchdown pass.
The line is 10 to 1 that he has more than 100 receiving yards.
And the line is 500 to 1 that he turns his season around, gets selected to the Pro Bowl, while in Honolulu meets latino pop star Shakira, falls madly in love, marries her, hangs out at the recording studio one day, starts singing when he thinks no one else is around, gets overheard by her producer who talks him into cutting his own record, and eventually winds up doing a hip-hop remake of Islands in the Stream with Shaquille O'Neal. I like those odds.

Steelers at Cowboys-
Mr. Testaverde, thank you for playing. Please follow the lovely Janet and she'll show you the nice parting gifts we have for you today.

Vikings at Saints-
The Jim Haslett Farewell Tour makes an appearance on ESPN's Sunday Night Football.
And hey, any chance Pat Summerall refers to Randy Moss as Ahmad Rashad before this one's over?

(Monday Night) Bucs at Rams-
Did you see Mike Martz celebrating on the sidelines at the end of their miraculous come-from-behind win in Seattle last week? He looked like Squintz' mom getting tickled by a vibrator.
(You didn't think I'd make it all the way through the Matchups without a Squintz' mom reference, did you?)

Oct 5, 2004

Week 5 Matchups

A few quick thoughts before we get to the Matchups this week:

I lost count- how many times has Joe Dirt been aired on Comedy Central so far this year- 432 or 433?
And no, I'm not complaining.

Speaking of not complaining, I LOVE the show Las Vegas (Monday nights 9pm on NBC). I'm just trying to figure out why it's not the top-rated show in America yet? (at least among males, age 18-34). This show gives good story lines, good writing, EXTREMELY hot chicks, and Sonny Corleone. What are we missing here?

Speaking of missing something, I watched the series premiere of Desperate Housewives (and no, I'm not gay) and I don't get what the fuss is all about. Guess you've got to be a desperate housewife. Personally, if I want to see irrational behavior and relationship problems on television, I'll watch YOUNG chicks on The Real World, not an over-the hill Terri Hatcher and half of the old Melrose Place cast.

Speaking of the old Melrose Place cast, can someone please locate the one person in the country who is watching Heather Locklear on LAX? Here's a tough question: What has a longer life expectancy, LAX or Jonathan Quinn as the Bears starting quarterback?

Speaking of bears, why is the large and in charge Kelly Osborne starring in a non-reality TV show? Did she take some acting pills? And furthermore, why does she look like a Nathan Lane-in-Drag blowup doll?

Speaking of reality shows, after watching Mark Cuban on The Benefactor, I fully endorse any movement to have this dipshit removed from the public eye.

Speaking of dipshits, what genius came up with the idea to force Joe Knuxhall into retirement? Whoever it is, I hope he comes down with a raging case of mouth herpes.

Speaking of mouth herpes, Mama Squintz is doing fine. She's tired from the long nights at her new job but is happy to report that the pole at this club is much warmer than the one at the last place and it also isn't giving her that nasty thigh rash she had most of last year.

And speaking of pole dancing, check out the link above for our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week. She's rash-free, for your pleasure.

Now, on with the Matchups.......

Wisconsin at Ohio State-
OSU’s nickname is the Buckeyes but Wisconsin’s mascot is named Bucky. Why is that? Because badgers have the appearance of being buck-toothed? Well, buckeyes have the appearance of being large, brown nuts. So using that logic, shouldn’t the OSU mascot be named Warren Sapp’s Testicle?
Or simply, Al Roker?

Texas at Oklahoma-
The role of Bob Stoops' Bitch will be played, again, by Mack Brown.
And somewhere near a golf course, Steve Spurrier will be hunkered down under his visor watching it all like an understudy who just carefully placed a banana peel on the stage.

Dolphins at Patriots-
So let me get this straight. The Patriots are about to break the 1972 Dolphins streak for consecutive victories, and they're going to do it against a Dolphins team that is well on its way to the first perfect 0-16 season? Ahh, good times in Miami.

Bills at Jets-
B!-I!-L!-L!-S!, SUCK!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!!

Browns at Steelers-
Did you see Poalamaoloalalamu snatch that pineapple out of midair & return it for a touchgoon? Fucking fire-eater.

Panthers at Broncos-
What we have here are two pretty decent teams with some nice attributes, but you just get the sense that neither of them have what it takes to win it all this year. They're both what I like to call "Miss Nebraskas". You know when you're watching the Miss America Pageant (for those 3 or 4 minutes before you figure out that you just missed the swimsuit competition) and you see Miss Nebraska, she's almost always the one with the biggest hootenflanders, right? And why not, she's milkfed.
Anyway, then you think to yourself, "Wow, with those fun bags, she's bound to hang around in this competition for a while". But you also know that the talent portion is coming up and that's bad news 'cause she's going to be either A) Clogging, B) Tossing a baton in the air, or C) Hog calling. That usually puts an abrupt end to her quest for the tiara.

Raiders at Colts-
Hey, Raider Nation. Best of luck next season. You are about to get thrown into the Abandon All Hopes of Making the Playoffs pile.

Jaguars at Chargers-
What in the fuck is going on with these two squads? Are the Jags still for real after losing at home to the Colts? Are the Chargers trying to make us believe they can be respectable by beating the Titans? I don't believe either one of 'em. It's like when you move in on a couple hot chicks sitting at a bar only to find out that they're both a little heavy on the makeup, are wearing colored contacnts, padded bras, girdles, wigs, and have penises the size of baby elephant trunks. In other words, not quite what they seemed once you carefully inspect them. Right, Mit?

Rams at Seahawks-
Keep one eye on the field and one eye on that volcano. Over the past week or so, Mt. St. Helen's has been burping like John Goodman at a bean festival. That's got to be a little unnerving. And my sources tell me that by secret ballot, the Rams players have decided to offer up Coach Martz as a sacrifice to appease the gods should they lose to the Seahawks. I imagine they'll march him up the mountain Joe Versus the Volcano style.

Cardinals at Niners-
"Josh McCown. Tim Rattay. It's the Cardinals and the Forty Niners,
this Sunday on FOX!"

Lions at Falcons-
I can't yet figure out if Mike Vick, with his growing 'fro, looks more like Chris Rock's Nat X character on SNL or the miniature dude in the Sprite commercials who's a ripoff of Little Penny, who by the way, was voiced by, you guessed it- Chris Rock .

Vikings at Texans-
While Mike Vick has vowed not to cut his hair until the Falcons make the Super Bowl, word out of Houston is that David Carr made good on a wager & got his hair trimmed because the Texans did the unthinkable and won two games in a row. Way to set the bar Davey.

Giants at Cowboys-
Tommy "Ratface" Coughlin somehow has the Giants at 3-1. Go fucking figure. And how's this for a subplot: Tiki Barber will be on the same field as Keyshawn Johnson. The same Keyshawn Johnson who just a few weeks ago called Tiki's twin brother an "Uncle Tom". So what does that make Tiki, Uncle Tiki? Uncle Tom Tiki? Uncle Tom's brother Tiki? Uncle Tiki once removed? Uncle Cracker? I need to know.

Bucs at Saints-
ESPN is reporting that Saints QB Aaron Brooks got into an "altercation" with teammate Charles Grant before, during, and after the team's chartered flight back from their ass-whipping in Arizona on Sunday. The report states that the incident included finger-pointing between the New Orleans offense and defense. And according to my Bea Arthur Swimsuit Calendar, Sunday was October 3rd. Mark that down as the date that Jim Haslett officially lost control of his team this year. I believe that's a record even for him. Think I'll send him a card.

Ravens at Redskins-
Clintportis is apparently making noise in D.C. because his per carry average is down almost two yards from last season in Denver and he claims that the opposing defenses know what plays they're going to run before they happen. There are also some disturbing clock-management issues going on with the Skins that have everyone is a bit of a tizzy. Neither of these issues should be very surprising when you stop to consider that Coach Gibbs has spent the better part of the last decade in a sport where your toughest play call is whether to change two or four tires on a pit stop and guys named Bubba can't figure out the highly complex "How many miles to the gallon do we get, how many miles is a lap, how many laps ago did we last filler up, and many miles are left in the race" word problem. Honestly, I'm waiting for Clintportis (aka The Number 26 Car) to go to the sideline for a breather and a team of guys in matching flame-retardant jumpsuits to simultaneously change his shoes, pour Gatorade down his gullet, and squeegie off his helmet face visor.

(Monday Night) Titans at Packers-
Favre is questionable coming off of a concussion. McNair is questionable with a severely bruised sternum. I got a feeling they're both gonna play, don't you? I mean, the two toughest quarterbacks in the league are scheduled to battle it out on Monday Night & they want us to believe that they're not putting on the pads for this one? Whatever. They're both gonna play, they're both gonna play hurt, and it'll probably end like your typical Monday Night WWE Raw.
Jim Ross: "These two guys are on the brink of exhaustion. I don't know how they're finding it in themselves to continue."
Jerry Lawler: "This is great, J.R. Hey look, Favre's got a chair, Hee-hee..."
Jim Ross: "Favre just grabbed a folding chair from out of the crowd!"!!!
Jim Ross: "Noooooooooo!!!"
Jerry Lawler: "Hee-heeee! That's gotta hurt, J.R. I think he may have puntured his liver, spleen AND kidneys with that hit."
Jim Ross: "What in the hell is he doing now?"
Jerry Lawler: "He's going to the top rope. He's going to end the match right here!"
Jim Ross: "Brett Favre is climbing to the top of the ropes, and.......Hey, what in the hell is HE doing here???"
Jerry Lawler: "Hey, it's Mike McKenzie! Hee-hee!"
Jim Ross: "Get him out of here! He's got no business......Oooooh! He just sprayed some kind of pepper spray directly into Favre's face! Get him out of here!!!"
Jerry Lawler: "He's going to body slam him, J.R.!"
Jim Ross: "McKenzie has Favre loaded on his shoulder like a sack of potatoes! It looks like he's going to slam him from the top rope, right down into McNair! Good Lord, somebody stop him!!!"
Jim Ross: "Nooooooooo!!!!!" Somebody get an ambulance! Neither man is moving. Oh good Lord, this is terrible.....And folks, we are completely out of time!......."