Show me, don't tell me, You've figured out the score...Show me, don't tell me, I've heard it all before...Show me, don't tell me, I don't care what you say...Show me, don't tell me...You can twist perceptions, Reality won't budge...You can raise objections, I will be the judge...And the jury...I'll give it due reflection, Watching from the fence...Give the jury direction, Based on the evidence...I, the jury...Show, Don't tell

Oct 5, 2004

Week 5 Matchups

A few quick thoughts before we get to the Matchups this week:

I lost count- how many times has Joe Dirt been aired on Comedy Central so far this year- 432 or 433?
And no, I'm not complaining.

Speaking of not complaining, I LOVE the show Las Vegas (Monday nights 9pm on NBC). I'm just trying to figure out why it's not the top-rated show in America yet? (at least among males, age 18-34). This show gives good story lines, good writing, EXTREMELY hot chicks, and Sonny Corleone. What are we missing here?

Speaking of missing something, I watched the series premiere of Desperate Housewives (and no, I'm not gay) and I don't get what the fuss is all about. Guess you've got to be a desperate housewife. Personally, if I want to see irrational behavior and relationship problems on television, I'll watch YOUNG chicks on The Real World, not an over-the hill Terri Hatcher and half of the old Melrose Place cast.

Speaking of the old Melrose Place cast, can someone please locate the one person in the country who is watching Heather Locklear on LAX? Here's a tough question: What has a longer life expectancy, LAX or Jonathan Quinn as the Bears starting quarterback?

Speaking of bears, why is the large and in charge Kelly Osborne starring in a non-reality TV show? Did she take some acting pills? And furthermore, why does she look like a Nathan Lane-in-Drag blowup doll?

Speaking of reality shows, after watching Mark Cuban on The Benefactor, I fully endorse any movement to have this dipshit removed from the public eye.

Speaking of dipshits, what genius came up with the idea to force Joe Knuxhall into retirement? Whoever it is, I hope he comes down with a raging case of mouth herpes.

Speaking of mouth herpes, Mama Squintz is doing fine. She's tired from the long nights at her new job but is happy to report that the pole at this club is much warmer than the one at the last place and it also isn't giving her that nasty thigh rash she had most of last year.

And speaking of pole dancing, check out the link above for our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week. She's rash-free, for your pleasure.

Now, on with the Matchups.......

Wisconsin at Ohio State-
OSU’s nickname is the Buckeyes but Wisconsin’s mascot is named Bucky. Why is that? Because badgers have the appearance of being buck-toothed? Well, buckeyes have the appearance of being large, brown nuts. So using that logic, shouldn’t the OSU mascot be named Warren Sapp’s Testicle?
Or simply, Al Roker?

Texas at Oklahoma-
The role of Bob Stoops' Bitch will be played, again, by Mack Brown.
And somewhere near a golf course, Steve Spurrier will be hunkered down under his visor watching it all like an understudy who just carefully placed a banana peel on the stage.

Dolphins at Patriots-
So let me get this straight. The Patriots are about to break the 1972 Dolphins streak for consecutive victories, and they're going to do it against a Dolphins team that is well on its way to the first perfect 0-16 season? Ahh, good times in Miami.

Bills at Jets-
B!-I!-L!-L!-S!, SUCK!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!!

Browns at Steelers-
Did you see Poalamaoloalalamu snatch that pineapple out of midair & return it for a touchgoon? Fucking fire-eater.

Panthers at Broncos-
What we have here are two pretty decent teams with some nice attributes, but you just get the sense that neither of them have what it takes to win it all this year. They're both what I like to call "Miss Nebraskas". You know when you're watching the Miss America Pageant (for those 3 or 4 minutes before you figure out that you just missed the swimsuit competition) and you see Miss Nebraska, she's almost always the one with the biggest hootenflanders, right? And why not, she's milkfed.
Anyway, then you think to yourself, "Wow, with those fun bags, she's bound to hang around in this competition for a while". But you also know that the talent portion is coming up and that's bad news 'cause she's going to be either A) Clogging, B) Tossing a baton in the air, or C) Hog calling. That usually puts an abrupt end to her quest for the tiara.

Raiders at Colts-
Hey, Raider Nation. Best of luck next season. You are about to get thrown into the Abandon All Hopes of Making the Playoffs pile.

Jaguars at Chargers-
What in the fuck is going on with these two squads? Are the Jags still for real after losing at home to the Colts? Are the Chargers trying to make us believe they can be respectable by beating the Titans? I don't believe either one of 'em. It's like when you move in on a couple hot chicks sitting at a bar only to find out that they're both a little heavy on the makeup, are wearing colored contacnts, padded bras, girdles, wigs, and have penises the size of baby elephant trunks. In other words, not quite what they seemed once you carefully inspect them. Right, Mit?

Rams at Seahawks-
Keep one eye on the field and one eye on that volcano. Over the past week or so, Mt. St. Helen's has been burping like John Goodman at a bean festival. That's got to be a little unnerving. And my sources tell me that by secret ballot, the Rams players have decided to offer up Coach Martz as a sacrifice to appease the gods should they lose to the Seahawks. I imagine they'll march him up the mountain Joe Versus the Volcano style.

Cardinals at Niners-
"Josh McCown. Tim Rattay. It's the Cardinals and the Forty Niners,
this Sunday on FOX!"

Lions at Falcons-
I can't yet figure out if Mike Vick, with his growing 'fro, looks more like Chris Rock's Nat X character on SNL or the miniature dude in the Sprite commercials who's a ripoff of Little Penny, who by the way, was voiced by, you guessed it- Chris Rock .

Vikings at Texans-
While Mike Vick has vowed not to cut his hair until the Falcons make the Super Bowl, word out of Houston is that David Carr made good on a wager & got his hair trimmed because the Texans did the unthinkable and won two games in a row. Way to set the bar Davey.

Giants at Cowboys-
Tommy "Ratface" Coughlin somehow has the Giants at 3-1. Go fucking figure. And how's this for a subplot: Tiki Barber will be on the same field as Keyshawn Johnson. The same Keyshawn Johnson who just a few weeks ago called Tiki's twin brother an "Uncle Tom". So what does that make Tiki, Uncle Tiki? Uncle Tom Tiki? Uncle Tom's brother Tiki? Uncle Tiki once removed? Uncle Cracker? I need to know.

Bucs at Saints-
ESPN is reporting that Saints QB Aaron Brooks got into an "altercation" with teammate Charles Grant before, during, and after the team's chartered flight back from their ass-whipping in Arizona on Sunday. The report states that the incident included finger-pointing between the New Orleans offense and defense. And according to my Bea Arthur Swimsuit Calendar, Sunday was October 3rd. Mark that down as the date that Jim Haslett officially lost control of his team this year. I believe that's a record even for him. Think I'll send him a card.

Ravens at Redskins-
Clintportis is apparently making noise in D.C. because his per carry average is down almost two yards from last season in Denver and he claims that the opposing defenses know what plays they're going to run before they happen. There are also some disturbing clock-management issues going on with the Skins that have everyone is a bit of a tizzy. Neither of these issues should be very surprising when you stop to consider that Coach Gibbs has spent the better part of the last decade in a sport where your toughest play call is whether to change two or four tires on a pit stop and guys named Bubba can't figure out the highly complex "How many miles to the gallon do we get, how many miles is a lap, how many laps ago did we last filler up, and many miles are left in the race" word problem. Honestly, I'm waiting for Clintportis (aka The Number 26 Car) to go to the sideline for a breather and a team of guys in matching flame-retardant jumpsuits to simultaneously change his shoes, pour Gatorade down his gullet, and squeegie off his helmet face visor.

(Monday Night) Titans at Packers-
Favre is questionable coming off of a concussion. McNair is questionable with a severely bruised sternum. I got a feeling they're both gonna play, don't you? I mean, the two toughest quarterbacks in the league are scheduled to battle it out on Monday Night & they want us to believe that they're not putting on the pads for this one? Whatever. They're both gonna play, they're both gonna play hurt, and it'll probably end like your typical Monday Night WWE Raw.
Jim Ross: "These two guys are on the brink of exhaustion. I don't know how they're finding it in themselves to continue."
Jerry Lawler: "This is great, J.R. Hey look, Favre's got a chair, Hee-hee..."
Jim Ross: "Favre just grabbed a folding chair from out of the crowd!"!!!
Jim Ross: "Noooooooooo!!!"
Jerry Lawler: "Hee-heeee! That's gotta hurt, J.R. I think he may have puntured his liver, spleen AND kidneys with that hit."
Jim Ross: "What in the hell is he doing now?"
Jerry Lawler: "He's going to the top rope. He's going to end the match right here!"
Jim Ross: "Brett Favre is climbing to the top of the ropes, and.......Hey, what in the hell is HE doing here???"
Jerry Lawler: "Hey, it's Mike McKenzie! Hee-hee!"
Jim Ross: "Get him out of here! He's got no business......Oooooh! He just sprayed some kind of pepper spray directly into Favre's face! Get him out of here!!!"
Jerry Lawler: "He's going to body slam him, J.R.!"
Jim Ross: "McKenzie has Favre loaded on his shoulder like a sack of potatoes! It looks like he's going to slam him from the top rope, right down into McNair! Good Lord, somebody stop him!!!"
Jim Ross: "Nooooooooo!!!!!" Somebody get an ambulance! Neither man is moving. Oh good Lord, this is terrible.....And folks, we are completely out of time!......."

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