Man, am I tired. This Red Sox-Yankees series has me both physically and mentally exhausted. Over 14 hours of on-the-edge-of-your-seat baseball over the last three nights and I'm spent. I can only imagine how the diehards for each of those teams are doing today. It's probably safe to say that workplace production in the greater New York and Boston areas is next to nothing at this point. Are people in these cities even bothering to still go in to work? Better yet, are they still expected to call in, or is it just assumed that everyone is staying home to recover and receive psychiatric treatment? My guess is most of them have hit that exhaustion point usually reserved for triathalon competitors and pornstars trying to set gangbang records. And I'd be surprised if most of Red Sox Nation hasn't already scouted out the bridges and tall buildings nearby in case this thing turns out the wrong way.
Despite my personal exhuastion, I did manage to lift the pen a few times to take notes on some things I found interesting last night while watching the game and flipping channels during some of the down time- you know, pitching changes, meetings on the mound, commercial breaks, batting glove adjustments, multiple practice swings, and your typical procession of riot police on and off of the field. Here's some of what I noticed...
Am I crazy or is Jeannie Zelasko kinda hot? She's not as hot as our newest Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week (see above link), but she's strangely cute with a seemingly large rack of lamb. She just needs to dress better, you know, show us a little more of what she's workin' with. Tonight's ensemble of a black turtleneck with a striped light blue suit just isn't cutting it. Somebody get Wardrobe in here immediatley with either a French maid's uniform or Wonderwoman's boustierre, boots and hot shorts.
Kenny Albert looks like a living, breathing Crank Yankers puppet.
And by the way, just how many Albert brothers are there? Are they cloning them? I need to know.
Have you seen Tony Clark without his hat on? All gray. I honestly didn't know that Dr. Huxtable's father still played baseball, ever played baseball, or even that he was still alive.
Bellhorn's homerun just hit a Jawa and bounced to the ground, being ruled a double. The Yankees truly are The Empire. The Sox truly are cursed!
Now the umps have converged and reversed the call. I could be wrong but I think I saw Obi Wan Kenobi in their huddle. Jawas, Obi Wan, the ghost of the Bambino, Kenny Albert,.... this is going to be a wild night at the ballpark!
Scrubs is still by far the best comedy on television, and this year they've added the smoking-hot Heather Graham. The catch-phrase on tonight's episode: "Bastard-covered bastards with bastard filling." That's almost Shakespearian.
Is it just me or does Joe West's strike zone move around more than an amoeba in a lava lamp?
Obvious, jammed-down-our-throats catch-phrase for Fox sports tonight: "You can't script October".
That may be true, but apparently you can script your broadcast.
We're now up to 347 man-to-man kisses and counting on the Real World: Philadelphia tonight. Great. Would it really be to much to ask to see more of the needy whore with the fake boobs? Help a brother out, wouldja?
While I'm on the topic, nice fag-slap by A-Rod. My hatred for the Yankees has now reached an all-time high.
Great baseball town, New York. Where else would you get to see riot police hiding behind tarps?
Apparently Bronson Arroyo has dipped his tips. Bad idea. Hey, do you think his teammates call him "Balki"? And why is he in the game? This makes me nervous. Leave Schilling in there until his ankle detatches. And when that happens, leave him in there until he gives up a hit.
Red Sox win! More importantly, Yankees lose!!! Aaaa-aaa-aaa-aaa The Yankees Lose!!!!!
Holy crap, there's going to be a Game 7. I'm going to need a blood transfusion, a saline-drip, and a clean pair of shorts- Stat!
In the postgame interview we find out that Schilling's ankle was apparenly tended to by God. We also find out that tomorrow's game will pit Kevin Brown against Derek Lowe. Great, Derek Lowe. Nothing like throwing possibly the most mentally unstable pitcher in the majors out there with the weight of lifting The Curse hanging over his head. This has the final scene from The Scout written all over it. My money says we see Lowe and Albert Brooks standing on the Yankee Stadium roof sometime between the lineup card exchange and the end of the National Anthem. Ice-up the Pepsi Vanilla, I'll be ready!
Now, on to some football.
Oh, and before I begin I'd like to pass along that Squintz is getting a little sensitive all of a sudden over the rash of Mama Squintz jabs that have been flying around. Let's all try to be a little more considerate from here on out, okay? Now let's get on with the Matchups.......
Wyoming at Colorado State-
These two teams have been playing each other since 1899 and since 1968 they've been playing for the Bronze Boot. I have to admit, I'd heard of bronzing baby booties before, but not boots. As it turns out, I've since come to learn that you can bronze almost anything- silverware, stemware, clothing, sports equipment, musical instruments, Philipino hairdressers...- you name it, it can probably be bronzed.
Heck, last night Squintz' Mom told me that she even had her very first vibrator bronzed. Apparently she treasures it because it was given to her by her mother when she was seven years old. She was even kind enough to show it to me. It's quite impressive in size but also very old. As a matter of fact, it's so old that it actually has a hand crank. Took a lot of work for women to flick their beans back then.
Georgia at Arkansas-
Dawgs versus Hogs! Oooooo-eeeeeee!!!!!!!
You bring the cornbread, I'll bring the beans! Tap the keg, put on some Brooks & Dunn, and let's watch Mama Squintz lose her top on the dance floor!!!
Rams at Dolphins-
The Road to 0-16 continues, this Sunday on FOX!
Titans at Vikings-
Word out of Minnesooota is that Randy Moss' sore hamstring may keep him out of this one. That reminds me of a tongue twister:
Squintz' Mom suffered a severely sore hammy by smacking her fanny like a shammy on a salami.
I should seriously consider writing a children's book.
Lions at Giants-
Tommy Cough's team has started out very well. But there's something that makes me uneasy about this team, something not-quite-right with the situation that just makes me feel like it's all going to unravel at some point. It's kinda like when you take Squintz' Mom out to a daquiri bar on Ladies Night. Sure, the top comes off early and you're having a good time, but you know that eventually things are going to turn ugly and after midnight it's just gonna be a steady barrage of cursing, nagging, vomitting, and violence.
CAUTION: You are about to enter the Who Gives a Fuck? Zone of this week's Matchups.
Chargers at Panthers-
Bears at Bucs-
Bills at Ravens-
This is now getting ridiculous. What's the over/under line for this one? Six and a half? Really?
Oooh, give me the under.
Thank you for enduring the Who Gives a Fuck? Zone. Please continue but proceed with caution.
Eagles at Browns-
Just to refresh my memory, wasn't it the Browns who passed on Donovan McNabb & took Tim Couch with the first pick in the draft a few years ago? Yeah, just checking. That's gotta' go down as one of the worst decisions ever made in the city of Cleveland, right? It's right up there next to drafting Brad Daugherty instead of Michael Jordan, trading Rocky Colavito for Harvey Kuenn, and, of course, Paul Simon's induction into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame.
Jaguars at Colts-
Leftwich. Nay, I say Manwich.
Mama Squintz simply refers to him as "Jimmy's long-lost, incredibly more talented, and heterosexual younger brother".
Falcons at Chiefs-
Last week, Shannon Sharpe said the following: "Mike Vick needs to realize that to be a successful quarterback, he's going to have to throw the ball better." Ree-heeeeally? It's for that kind of analysis that Shannon gets paid the big bucks. Seriously, he's so fundamentally stupid that from time to time he makes Chris Mortensen sound mildly intelligent.
Jets at Patriots-
P!-A!-T!-S!, SUCK!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!!
(I'm sorry, but I knew this would happen eventually. They're too good. I must now hate them.)
Seahawks at Cardinals-
Denny Green AND Mike Holmgren in the desert for a full afternoon?!
By the end of this one they'll both be standing in sweat puddles so deep they'll look like the crime scene in a snowman homicide.
(Note: I was going to use the line "they'll look like they're standing in Mama Squintz after-sex sweat puddles" but I'm actually feeling a little bad about bashing her at this point.)
Cowboys at Packers-
What do Bill Parcells and Ahman Green have in common? They've both gotten underwater hummers from Squintz' Mom while relaxing in a jacuzzi.
(I said I was starting to feel bad, not that I was going to stop. There's a difference.)
Saints at Raiders-
Let the chessmatch begin!
(Monday Night) Broncos at Bengals-
Nothing like a hard-core ass-fucking on national tv.
P.S. Mama Squintz says to take a bath in Epsom salts afterward. It helps with the swelling.