“Hey Tom, do we have any good bumper music that refers to rain, or rainy days, or when it stops raining, or anything like that?” “Well, we could go with ‘I Love a Rainy Night’, or ‘Fire and Rain’, or ‘The Rain Song’ by Led Zeppelin, or…….ooh, I know, I’ve got a Nelson cassette in my car & it has the perfect song on it. I’ll be right back!”
And to make my head pound even more, the first thing I hear when they come back from commercial is Joe Buck reading a couple live spots for Aquafina and Viagra. What do you think our grandfathers would’ve said if we told them there would come a day when people paid good money to buy water and to get their dicks hard? I don’t know about you, but if I want water I just grab a glass and turn on the faucet. And ever since I was fourteen, if I need to sport some quick wood, all I need to do is close my eyes and replay the Phoebe Cates pool scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. That always works, except of course when I’ve had too much cough medicine. Like now.....Great, Squint's Mom is gonna be here in 5 minutes and I've got a limp rope. Goddammit. Guess I'll just hand her a banana & go to bed.
Hey, don’t know if you guys have noticed but this Sunday is Halloween. Therefore, I give you the Week 8 Matchups with a little Trick-or-Treat slant. Forgive me.
Oklahoma at Oklahoma State-
Pandemonium in the Panhandle State!
I thought this game to be appropriate since Halloween is all about sending our kids out into the streets like roving bands of panhandlers. But not just your ordinary run-of-the-mill panhandlers, no, they're panhandlers wearing masks and threatening a "trick" should they not receive a handout. Isn't this felonious behavior? I dare say that if a dude came up to you at an exit ramp, put on a scary mask & demanded a handout or else, he'd soon be in need of a public defender.
Arizona State at Cal-
I did some research and discovered that among the Arizona State alumni are Reggie Jackson, Al Michaels, Barry Bonds, David Spade, and, of course, Thornton Mellon.
Among the Cal-Berkeley alumni are Andy Messersmith and a whole lot of tree-hugging liberals. Unless any of them can perform a Triple Lindy, I'm taking the Sun Devils.
Ravens at Eagles-
Remember when you went Trick-or-Treating and there was always that one house that handed out those little fucking boxes of raisins? Twenty bucks says that in one upscale Baltimore suburb, Brian Billick's house is that house.
Giants at Vikings-
Rumor has it that Tiki Barber is dressing up as Ronde Barber this Halloween.....
Cardinals at Bills-
Rumor also has it that Grammatica I is dressing up as Grammatica II this Halloween.....
.....Aaaaand rumor has it that Ronde Barber and Grammatica II are dressing up as Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson this Halloween. Interesting.
Bengals at Titans-
Honestly, I'm still a bit stunned and disoriented from Monday night. How about we just check out the latest Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week (see above link).
Falcons at Broncos-
Anybody want to go over to George Foster's house with me and Tony Williams on "Damage Night"? A little toilet paper, a couple dozen eggs, some spray paint, and of course, a flaming bag of poo. Stay together, act quickly, and whatever you do, don't get caught like Patrick Dempsey did in Can't Buy Me Love.
"You shit on my house man, YOU SHIT ON MY HOUSE!!!"
Jaguars at Texans-
I'm not asking this, I'm demanding it: Jags punter Chris Hanson has got to go out this Halloween dressed up like an axe-murderer victim.
Colts at Chiefs- Remember in the very first Friday the 13th when Jason did all that damage up at Crystal Lake? He was devastating. Couldn't be stopped. A man on a mission to destroy everything in his path. Very much like the Colts offense at Arrowhead in the playoffs last year. Made it through the entire game without being forced to punt even once. Remember what happened in Friday the 13th Part 2? Uh, really pretty much just more of the same. Good luck Dickie V.
Patriots at Steelers-
To celebrate this Halloween Sunday with their fans, the Steelers are giving away four commemorative bobbleheads to the first 35,000 people through the gates. Each bobblehead depicts a Steeler Great, with a little Halloween twist. There's Scary Bradshaw, Francostein Harris, Draculynn Swann, and the one that's sure to be the most popular, Mummy Brister. Be sure to get there early!
Caution: You are about to enter the Paranormal Zone of this week's Matchups. What you are about to read was not meant for young children or for the faint of heart....
Raiders at Chargers- If the Chargers win, their record will improve to 5-3.
Lions at Cowboys- If the Lions win, they will improve their road record this year to 3-0.
Thank you for visiting the Paranormal Zone. Sorry if you were shocked, startled, or wet your pants due to what we just shared with you.
Packers at Redskins-
Why do the Skins suck so badly? Two words: Bad quarterbacking.
Brunnell, Ramsey, Hasselbeck 2.........I haven't seen that many dead arms in one place since Texas Chainsaw Massacre II. Oh, yeah, and in the Reds bullpen last season.
Panthers at Seahawks- Tough times in Seattle. The season was going so smoothly, leading by seventeen at home against the Rams, just six minutes from a 4-0 start, then the Rams came back from out of nowhere & it's been all bad ever since. It's like Chris Farley said in Tommyboy- "You're drivin' along, you're drivin' along, the kids are yelling from the backseat- 'I gotta' go to the bathroom, Daddy.' 'Not now, dammit.' TRUCK TIRE! SCREECH! 'I can't stop! Aaaargh! HELP!' BAM!!! And your family's screamin', 'Oh my God, we're burning alive!, I can't feel my legs!' Here comes the meat wagon. Wee-ooh, Wee-ooh. And the medic gets out & says, 'Oh. My. God.' The young guy's puking his guts out in the corner, 'Raaaaalph, RAAAAALPHHHH'.
All because you wanted to save a few extra pennies."
Yeah, that's pretty much been the Seahawks since minute 54 of Week 4. And to make things worse, now they have a group of black cats from Carolina crossing their path on Halloween. That's a nice omen.
Niners at Bears-
Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to Hell!!!
(Monday Night) Dolphins at Jets- Best NFL-related costume for this Halloween: Rasta wig, Dolphins #34 jersey, camera hanging around the neck, flip-flops, and a water bong.