Tonight I am coming to you LIVE from my somewhat rural election headquarters, or as Tom Brokaw would say, "rrrrul erreckshin headkerterrrz ", in Ross, Ohio. Taking a break from the always breaking and wall-to-wall Election 2004 coverage for a few minutes to bring you the more important and much more greatly anticipated Pigskin Palooza Week 9 Matchups. With just about 55 percent of the precincts reporting, I'm still not prepared to declare a winner in the race for Best After Dinner Dessert tonight between the Challenger- the Reese cups I stole out of my daughter’s Halloween bag, and the Incumbent- Mama Squints’ boobies. I sincerely hope to declare a winner before we’re done here tonight.
It’s been a night of candy, nipples, and channel surfing that has left me completely entertained. Here’s just a small sampling of what I’ve enjoyed so far……..
The usual array of non-sensical southern metaphors from Dan Rather, such as, "This race is spinning tighter than a speeding combine" and "If a bull had sidepockets, he’s carry a handgun." Honestly, I think he's Tim McCarver's long-lost older brother.
Dandy Dan downright gushing while interviewing and simultaneously kissing the ass of John Kerry’s daughter Vanessa. His hard-hitting journalistic approach included questions such as "What does your father do to relax? Does he hum Springsteen?" Seriously, I thought he was going to break into the Jason Biggs "Uh-oh, I think I just came in my pants" Face from American Pie before the interview was over. And I don't know why he was so smitten. I mean, I hate to say that Vanessa Kerry's nose is long but, well, I do believe she could use it to open a can of tuna.
Tim Russert sitting alongside Peter Jennings and being forced to break out a high-tech hand-held Etch-A-Sketch-looking tally board on which to do some 2nd grade math. The look on his face says, "I can’t believe I’m doing this shit." The look on Peter Jennings face says "I can't believe it either."
Ed Bradley showing that he’s still rockin’ the diamond earring. And CBS showing that they’re still too afraid of discrimination suit to make him take it out.
Sheppard, excuse me, "Shep" Smith and Lester Holmes all over FOX News. And correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t Lester Holmes the most famous black "Lester" since Willy Tyler’s dummy?
Peter Jennings throwing it to a correspondent in Oklahoma who let us know that the Senate seat there has gone to a guy who’s publicly stated that he believes any woman who has an abortion should face the death penalty, that homosexuals and unwed mothers should not be allowed to teach school, and that his state’s board of education is a "bunch of crackheads".
"Oooooklahoma, where the KKK comes sweepin’ down the plains…."
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart providing live coverage which included exit polling outside of a porn shop ("What fetish did you go with today?" and "Can I see your weiner?" were my favorite questions), a report from outside of Al Qaeda’s election headquarters (the Marriott at Times Square), an interview with the Rev. Al Sharpton, and a report on the mood of Teresa Heinz-Kerry being foul and including "language worse than a long shoreman suffering from Tourette’s."
And, of course, making the night complete was the sheer enjoyment of listening to Tom Brokaw struggle through such words and phrases as "electoral", "Delaware", "registered voters", "Rockefeller Plaza", and "Republican from Rhode Island". Too bad he’s reitring and won’t be around in 2008 to spit out "The Repurrbrican candidate Arnerd Scharrrzenerrrggerrrr virrsers the demerrcratic candidate Hirrary Clinton."
Now, on with the Matchups……..
Air Force at Army-
Oh what the hell, it’s election week. This is the battle of the Flyboys versus the Grunts.
Top Gun versus Stripes.
"You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’…" versus "Doo-wah-diddy Diddy-dum-diddy-doo"
"Talk to me, Goose" versus "Lighten up, Francis."
"I feel the need, the need for speed" versus "That's a fact, Jack!"
What? Top Gun was the Navy? They were Navy pilots? Really? The Navy has jet fighters? Hmmm. Well, what's a good Air Force movie? Iron Eagle and Iron Eagle II starring Louis Gossett Jr? Okay, well uh, nevermind.
USC at Oregon State-
You didn’t think I’d let us miss the annual Trojans v Beavers battle, did you? Go Trojans, Stuff them Beavers! Go Beavers, Swallow them Trojans!
Cardinals at Dolphins-
The Dave Wannstedt Suicide Watch has officially begun.
Raiders at Panthers-
Funniest thing I’ve heard all week-
Oakland Raiders: Commitment to Excrement.
Cowboys at Bengals-
Redskins at Lions-
Mark Brunell jerseys now half-price in the Redskins gift shop!
Bears at Giants-
Craig Krynzel? Really? Where the hell is Vince Evans? Didn’t he have a lifetime Bears backup quarterback contract?
Patriots at Rams-
If Corey Dillon can’t go again, we’re looking at a Battle of the Faulks. "Marshall. Kevin. This Sunday, only on CBS!"
"Marshall. Kevin. One of them is really named Gaylord! Meet the Faulkers, this Sunday on CBS!!"
Chiefs at Bucs-
The Chiefs have turned their season around by playing three straight weeks of truly inspired football. And I think I’ve found the source of their inspiration. She just so happens to also be our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week! (see above link)
Saints at Chargers-
With a win this Sunday, Officer Barbrady's Chargers would improve to 5-3. Please go back and read that last line again slowly.
Take heed. Should this happen, be on the lookout for swarms of locusts, rivers overflowing with blood, and Kirk Cameron riding an oversized unicorn hopped-up on Ecstasy.
Seahawks at Niners-
After watching the Niners lose to the Bears last Sunday night, I have just one burning question:
Who has the stronger throwing arm, Ken Dorsey or Verne Troyer?
Jets at Bills-
J!-E!-T!-S!, JETS! JETS!! JETS!!!
There, I finally gave in.
Texans at Broncos-
Given their current two-game losing skid, I’d imagine that Coach Sheen will have his Broncos staying late this week to work on their cut blocks.
Eagles at Steelers-
Last week, Terrell Owens angered some of the Ravens by launching into an imitation of Ray Lewis’ patented dance after scoring a touchdown. While it’s always a good idea to mock a murderer on national television, personally, I would’ve celebrated by grabbing Mama McNabb out of the stands and performing the Lambada with her. Ahhh, just me, my Chunky Soup sex kitten, and the forbidden dance of love. Dare to dream men, dare to dream.
Browns at Ravens-
Speaking of dancing, it turns out that Ray Lewis needs to be credited with an assist in regards to Deion Sanders end zone soft-shoe routine back in Week 7. Deion apparently asked Ray to keep teammates away from him if & when he scored his first touchdown as a Raven and Ray complied by grabbing some guys and holding them back. In more dancing news, reports out of Cleveland suggest that Jeff Garcia has been practicing a dance of his own in case he scores this Sunday. Apparently it’s a rendition of the Village People’s YMCA, only with a twist- he’s going to spell out I-A-M-N-O-T-G-A-Y.
Great. And next week, look for T.O., Ray-Ray, Deion, and Jeff all starring together in Electric Boogaloo 4: Takin’ it to the Huddle.
(Monday Night) Vikings at Colts-
Peyton Manning in yet another big, nationally-televised game against a quality opponent. "Dr. Heimlich to the field please. Dr. Heimlich to the playing field."