David St. Hubbins.
An 18-inch tall Stonehenge.
And thirty-two dead drummers.
What am I talking about? I'm talking about one of the top ten-fifteen funniest movies on Smitty's Top Ten-Fifteen Funniest Movies List. I'm talking about This is Spinal Tap. And why am I talking about Spinal Tap? Because, according to IFC (Independent Film Channel), this month marks the 20th anniversary of the mockumentary and they've been celebrating the occasion by airing the bloody shit out of it. And I for one, couldn't be happier. It's one of those rare comedic films, like Caddyshack, Animal House, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, The Princess Bride, Clerks, and yes, Point Break, that you need to catch every so often just to remind you what great comedic dialogue sounds like.
So, to celebrate this anniversary in my own small way, this week's Matchups are peppered with some of my favorite lines from This is Spinal Tap.
And if you don't like it, well, you can lick my love pump.
"You two were at school together?"
"We're not university material."
"What's that on your finger?"
"It's my gum."
Wisconsin at Iowa-
Did you know that you can major in farming at either one of these schools? It's true. That's gotta look impressive on the diploma. What does it say, "Bachelor of Farming"? And my God, if you can major in Farming, what kinds of things can you minor in? Tractor Mechanics? Hog Calling? Tobacky Spittin'? Cousin-Fucking?
I need to know.
"As long as there's, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without all the rock and roll."
Louisiana Lafayette at Louisiana Monroe-
Hey, who needs big names? Small schools play football, too. Or at least a reasonable facsimile of college football. And to save you the research- Lafayette is 4-6 on the year and is named after something French and gay (redundant), while Monroe is also 4-6 and named after the gay fella played by Jm J. Bullock (not a typo) on the eighties hit sitcom Too Close For Comfort.
"Dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not widely reported."
Cardinals at Panthers-
Thankfully, Denny Green and his over-worked sweat glands get to leave Arizona for the weekend.
"It's like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black."
Cowboys at Ravens-
So, you've lost your last three games, you have a color-blind Sicilian fossil for a quarterback, an aged (pronounced aij-ed), decrepit halfback, a bevy of slow wide receivers, and you have to go play Ray Lewis and the Ravens this Sunday. Yeah, "none more black" sounds about right.
"St. Hubbins. What was he the saint of?"
"He was the patron saint of quality footwear."
Broncos at Saints-
Anybody know who's the patron saint of quality dentures? How about the patron saint of quality quarterbacks? If anyone knows, Coach Sheenahan has his rosary in-hand and is anxiously awaiting your call.
"The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and... "
"Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?"
"Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?"
"Well, it's one louder, isn't it?"
Lions at Vikings-
Daunte Culpepper is my choice for MVP of the league so far. Sure, there can be arguments made for Donovan McNabb and Peyton Manning but McNabb tosses to Nicole Sheridan's jackass lover and Manning is, well, a Manning. So my vote's for Culpepper.
Plus, he wears #11 which is extremely important given the above quote.
"Well, I don't really think that the end can be assessed as of itself as being the end because what does the end feel like? It's like saying when you try to extrapolate the end of the universe, you say, if the universe is indeed infinite, then how- what does that mean? How far is all the way, and then if it stops, what's stopping it, and what's behind what's stopping it? So, what's the end, you know, is my question to you."
Titans at Jaguars-
"Titans. Jaguars. It's Volek versus Garrard, this Sunday on CBS!"
Sounds like the end of something. Maybe the end for the 2004 Titans.
"Certainly in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful."
Jets at Browns-
So, after last week's pre-game warmup beat down, Browns running back William Green has now missed two games in two seasons due to getting his ass kicked. One at the hands of Joey Porter, and one last year at the hands of his wife. I'd say that carrying a good piece of wood with him at all times might not be a bad idea.
"I mean, people should be envying us, you know."
"I envy us."
Steelers at Bengals-
I'm clearly not referring to the Bengals here. And, no, I'm not referring to the Steelers, either. I'm referring to myself and my co-worker Adam, who both were graced with the presence of Tara, a BenGal who conducted business in our office this past Monday. Being the stalker-type that I am, I found her 2004 calendar photo online, and after some bribing and some semi-legal sedation, obtained her written approval to be our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week! (see above link).
"And you know what I want you to do? Will you do something for me? Do me a favor. Just kick my ass, okay? Kick my ass. Come on. I'm not asking, I'm telling with this. Kick my ass."
Niners at Buccaneers-
Dennis Erickson has that look you usually only see on the faces of tortured hostages, death row inmates, and LA Clippers fans. He's a half-dead deer lying on the shoulder of the NFL Highway. Somebody please just put him out of his misery and let him move on.
"It's such a fine line between stupid and clever."
Rams at Bills-
Mike Martz walks this line every week. Martz says it'd be a lot easier to balance on that line if it weren't for his big, huge offensive brain.
"It's part of a trilogy, a musical trilogy I'm working on in D-minor which is the saddest of all keys, I find. People weep instantly when they hear it, and I don't know why."
Colts at Bears-
Wayne. Stokley. Harrison. That's the receiving trilogy that Peyton Manning has at his disposal. Notice that Harrison is listed last? Yeah, that's where the weeping is coming from.
(And yes, I know that's not a proper use of the word "trilogy". Fuck off.)
"But you're not as confused as him, are you? I mean, it's not your job to be as confused as Nigel."
Dolphins at Seahawks-
Jim Bates takes over for Wannstedt and promptly replaces Jay Fiedler at starting quarterback. After being told that Don Strock was retired, he settled on AJ Feeley. Good times in Miami.
"You can't really dust for vomit."
Chargers at Raiders-
And that is one rare piece of good forensic news for Sebastian Janikowski and Kerry Collins.
"May I start by saying how thrilled we are to have you here. We are such fans of your music and all of your records. I'm not speaking of yours personally, but the whole genre of the rock and roll."
Falcons at Giants-
Eli Manning gets the start for the Giants this Sunday. My guess is he will be to the genre of Manning quarterbacks what Vanilla Ice was to the genre of rap- just another stupid, skinny, rich white kid with way too much hype.
"Big bottom, big bottom.....Talk about mud flaps, my girl's got 'em!"
Redskins at Eagles-
Oh Mama McNabb, how I dream of your thick ham hocks teasing me from underneath that polyester/rayon pant suit. Bring me the can opener, my armadillo needs some chocolate clam chowder!
"Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation."
Packers at Texans-
Just a guess here, but one day, when all that cortisone and morphine wears off, Brett Favre is probably gonna have one hell of a morning.
"Have a good time......all the time."
(Monday Night) Patriots at Chiefs-
Hey, it's Monday Night Football in KC. Put some ribs on the grill, some beer in the cooler, get Madden and Visser dressed & out of the horse trailer, and turn on the lights- we're ready for some football!