Show me, don't tell me, You've figured out the score...Show me, don't tell me, I've heard it all before...Show me, don't tell me, I don't care what you say...Show me, don't tell me...You can twist perceptions, Reality won't budge...You can raise objections, I will be the judge...And the jury...I'll give it due reflection, Watching from the fence...Give the jury direction, Based on the evidence...I, the jury...Show, Don't tell

Nov 29, 2004

Week 13 Matchups

Before I begin, there's an interesting piece of information that I want to share with you. As you know by now, last week was a record-setting week for Pigskin Palooza. Sticky Mitts put up 178 points, shattering the old record by of 160, formerly held by Matty Rogaine. Almost as impressive was LL Cool Wop's 172 points which put him in second-place for the week and vaulted him into the overall year-to-date lead. As I said, you already knew all of that. But what you may not know is this: Mit correctly predicted 16 of the 18 games, with Houston (worth 14 points) as his Porker, while LL correctly predicted 15 out of 18 with Dallas (also worth 14 points) as his Porker. Both Mit and LL missed on the Seattle/Buffalo game and the Denver/Oakland game. The only game they picked differently was San Francisco/Miami. Mit picked the Dolphins, LL picked the Niners.
That's some crazy shit. And, I'm guessing that I'm now not the only one who hates the fucking Niners.

Aside from that, I don't really have anything in particular on my mind this week, but I did want to share with you something that I engaged in over the weekend. What did I do? Well, I got me a little culture. That's right, I hung out with the upper-crust, the elite, the powerful, the movers, the shakers, the.....the.....the ultra fucking boring of our fair city. In short, I went to the Arronoff Center.

I went with Mrs. Smitty to see Miss Saigon Saturday night. Not a bad time, actually. Luckily, there were just enough bad toupees, eccentricly-dressed old rich guys, and hot, rich, scantily-clad chicks to keep me entertained. As far as the show, well, they sang, they acted, they sang, they sang some more, they sang some more, then they sang some more....... Well, here- just in case you have to go see it someday, accidentally fall asleep halfway through and need to prove to the wife that you really weren't asleep but just "resting your eyes", here's the Cliff's Notes version of what happens: It's 1973, American soldier gets drunk in Vietnam bar while on leave, army buddy buys him a virgin South Vietnamese whore (seriously), soldier and virgin whore fall in love during the $50 fuck, soldier gets shipped back to the States, whore secretly has his baby, whore kills Vietnamese general, whore moves to Bangkok, whore goes back to whoring, soldier marries a white girl, soldier soon finds out about secret baby & goes to Bangkok, whore finds out about white wife, whore shoots herself, boy goes back to the States with Dad, learns to play golf, grows set of extra-large teeth, eventually becomes the top golfer in the world, and finally hooks up with some Swedish broad who ruins his game. The end.

Now, on with the Matchups.........

Virginia Tech at Miami-
The following is taken directly from the University of Miami Athletics official website:
Run Through The Smoke With The Hurricanes
"Miami fans have the special opportunity to bid for the chance to "Run Through The Smoke" at the Official Hurricanes Auction. Charge the field with the Canes as they face Virginia Tech on Saturday, Dec. 4 at the Orange Bowl with the ACC Championship on the line."
Ironically, "Run Through The Smoke" is also the theme for the team's traditional Reefer Festival, held every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday on the third floor of the player's dorm. Everyone is encouraged to bring munchies, a white girl, and plenty of ruphenol.

Michigan State at Hawai'i-
Here are just a few of the names off of the University of Hawai'i roster:
Maneafaiga, Poumele, Kapanni, Kelikipi, Shiramizu, Kamakawiwo'ole, Faga, Fuga, Monteih, Elimimian, Faimealelei, Kalilimoku, Tantofi, Ho'ohuli, Kaonohi, and Tuioti-Mariner.
If there is a god in heaven, Don Criqui will be in the booth for this one.

Cardinals at Lions-
Hey, have you heard the exciting news? John Navarre gets the call at quarterback for Arizona this Sunday! Not so much because he's good, but more because Josh McCown sucks raw goat feces.
Happy Holidays, Cardinals fans!

Falcons at Buccaneers-
The word out of Tampa is that Martin Grammatica is in Coach Gruden's doghouse. And just in case you were wondering; No, he does not have to duck when he enters the doghouse.

Bills at Dolphins-
In case you hadn't already heard it 872 times already.....
"Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills."
And nobody circles the breakfast buffet at the Bristol IHOP quite like Chris Sperman. Fat comb-over cartoonish cocklicker.

Panthers at Saints-
If NFL head coaches were animals, Jim Haslett would be a cockroach. Seriously, I think he's going to have to murder an immediate family member of the owner in order to get fired.
And correct me if I'm wrong here, but I believe that he's also the only head coach whose hair is precisely the same color as his team's helmet.

Bengals at Ravens-
Here's a lesson from Chad Johnson to all the kids out there: If you jump in the air & tuck yourself into the fetal position to avoid a hit, only to wind up looking like a pussy and kicking the ball off of your knee right to the nearest defender (who's 10 yards away from you), just act like you had a concussion & can't remember anything. But, and here's the really important part- make sure that your coach doesn't tell the media that you were fine & then rolls his eyes in response to your claim. That kinda messes it all up for ya.
You know, I honestly thought that guys with 14-karat grills were tougher than that.

Texans at Jets-
The Jets survived three weeks with Quincy Q.B. at the helm, going 2-1 during that span, and now they've got Pennington back for the stretch drive. As my dyslexic friend and Jets fanatic Larry would say, "S-T-E-J, STEJ!, STEJ!, STEJ!!!

Vikings at Bears-
Earlier this week, the Bears signed Jeff George (yes, that Jeff George) to join their cast of quarterbacks. When I heard this, I couldn't help but immediately recall the line from Dumb & Dumber where Jim Carey comes riding up to Jeff Daniels on a moped and Daniels yells, "Just when I thought you couldn't be any more stupid, you go and do something like this.....AND COMPLETELY REDEEM YOURSELF!"
Good times in Chicago. Good times. Good Times, hey, wasn't that show set in Chicago? Man, what a show that was. The original Dave Chappelle, a big-breasted sista, a militant little brutha with an afro helmet, a bad-ass dad, a fat-ass mom, a tenement whore neighbor, a bumble-fuck super, and a cute little girl who would someday file down her nose, pump up her boobs, and single-breastedly send the FCC into a full-scale crusade. Good times, indeed.

Patriots at Browns-
Man it must suck to score 48 points in a game and still lose. T
hat'd be like racking up, oh, say, 172 Palooza Points and not winning the week.

Niners at Rams-
I'll say it for you, LL: Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to hell!!!!

Titans at Colts-
Am I the only one rooting for Peyton Manning to suffer a compound dick fracture right before he breaks Marino's record?
(And yes Danny, I know that kind of injury is impossible. Believe me, if it was possible, I surely would've suffered one by now, what with the crazy way Mama Squintz contorts and thrusts. Sometimes, when we're doing it doggie-style, I honestly think that she's gonna push back so hard that she'll send me right through the stall door.)

Broncos at Chargers-
The most under-achieving and over-biting team in the AFC this season: Coach Sheenahan's Denver Donkeys.....

Chiefs at Raiders-
.....Uh, scratch that. The most under-achieving team in the AFC this season has got to be the Kansas City Chiefs. Despite adding a whopping ONE new starter to last year's horrid defense, surprisingly, that side of the ball hasn't been much better. You might say their defense is leakier than Vermeil's adult diaper after a day of grab-ass with Mama Squintz. You might say that. And I think I just did.

Packers at Eagles-
So Brett Favre has started 200 games in a row, big deal. I've watched over 250 straight Bengal games.
Now I ask you: Which one of those is tougher?

Giants at Redskins-
Coach Gibbs, Dr. Kevorkian is on line 2.

Steelers at Jaguars-
The Steelers may be hot, but their not as hot as our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleaders of the Week! (see above link)

(Monday Night) Cowboys at Seahawks-
Unless ABC plans to hire Halle Berry, Beyonce, & Carmen Electra and parade them around as naked sideline reporters, I ain't fucking watching this game. Give me the bimbos- Las Vegas, 9pm on NBC!

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