Sep 2, 2013
Paradise Plunge, a Rolling Dumpster Fire, The Dirt Squirrel Defense, Zoe the SeaGal, John Travolta, Capt Munnerlyn, Lee Corso, Michael Corleone, and a Curly Hair in your Lentil Soup
So I was with the family at Kings Island’s Soak City water park today. My oldest daughter and I wait in line for one of the water slides and after about fifteen minutes with the sun beating down on us, we’re finally to the top of the platform and ready to go down Paradise Plunge. Only, um, not quite. You see, high school girl #1 working at the top of the slides gets a call from high school girl #2 at the bottom of the slides and now we have a problem. You see, high school girl #1 thinks that (about twenty seconds ago) she sent two people together down the four-slide ride but high school girl #2 thinks she only saw one person splash down at the bottom. So where did the other person go? Well, they either fell off to their death (sadly, no, because that would’ve been a quick discovery) or they slipped past high school girl #2 who was daydreaming about Cody or Jacob or Brandon or Brody, or there’s someone stuck (and just how the fuck could that happen?) on one of the slides. Now, just to make sure that they don’t send someone down and into someone who is mysteriously stuck and/or wounded (and presumably also both a moron and over 400 lbs), they have to send a search party of paramedics down the slides to take a look-see.
It’s during that ten minute exploration that I remember something I somehow keep forgetting in-between annual trips to the waterpark--- Waterparks are horrible places. The concept seems awesome. Water slides, wave pools, inner tubes, lazy rivers, girls in bikinis, kids splashing and having fun in the sun….AWESOME! Every year, everyone is excited about going, excited when we get there, but when it’s time to leave, I just feel hot, tired, and my faith in the human race has been utterly destroyed. My wife says it’s a great place to “people watch” to which I say “Sure, if you like to watch a bunch of people a class below carnival workers get mostly naked and then share the same chlorinated bath tub with you.”
Now don’t get me wrong, there are always some nice “distractions” at the water park and the slides can also give you a thrill but these positives are grossly overshadowed and literally outweighed by the ghastly sights you are subjected to during your visit. Oh, and did I mention that it was Dollar Day at the park? That means hot dogs, soda, popcorn, ice cream, etc. all for just $1.00 today. Great, right? NO, NOT GREAT. What that means is the number of positive “distractions” remains the same but the lines are longer and the number of bad tattoos, nose rings, dudes with nipple rings, zit backs, fur backs, fat gingers, grannies in bikinis and big girls with gunts increases exponentially. It’s horrifying. At one point in the day, my ten year old and I spent almost ten solid minutes studying what seemed to be a six-foot tall, 275 lb man with a half-finished back tattoo of (I think) Iron Man’s mask, a receding hair line, a small braided pony tail with a frilly black bow tied to it, men’s swim trunks and a woman’s bikini top, complete with an extender so it would properly clasp and thus not melt the faces of anyone standing in front of "It". We still aren’t sure if it was male or female and I’m willing to give $20 to anyone who also saw this creature and can confirm it’s gender to us. Now I’m no Adonis and it’s pretty safe to say that no woman within six rounds of making it to the finals of the Miss Middle of Nowhere pageant would consider me a “treat” to gaze at in my swim trunks but at the water park, I’m like a Smokey and the Bandit-era Burt Reynolds in a wave pool of Clint Howards.
I hate the water park. I truly do. But I guarantee you that my hatred will be dulled over the next ten to twelve months and somehow, inexplicably, I will be momentarily excited to pack up the family and go there again next summer. And when I do, I predict that within the first fifteen minutes, I will see, smell and hear things that will make me weep for our future and question my own sanity. Again. I guess it’s kinda what it must feel like to be a Brown’s fan at this time of the year. Ha! You didn’t think I forgot this was a football blog, did ya’? Hell no, and fuck yeah, football’s back! Stay away from the water park but grab yourself an inner tube and let’s head down the lazy river that is my Fearless and Baseless 2013 NFL Predictions!….
New York Jets- J-E-T-S, Suck, SUCK, SUCK!!! The only question here is whether the post mortem of their season will be classified as a “train wreck”, a “dumpster fire”, or a “rolling dumpster fire”. Good luck Sexy Rexy, you fat fucktard.
Buffalo Bills- I have two questions about the Bills… 1)Who’s coaching this team and 2) Who is their quarterback?
Alyssa Milano and Emmanuel Lewis?
Oh, Doug Marrone and EJ Manuel. Oh, okay. Never heard of them. Oh wait, I do have one more question… Is CJ Spiller injured yet?
Miami Dolphins- The Fins have a new logo and new duds. They took away the dolphin wearing the football helmet and replaced it with a fresher, sleeker-looking dolphin that unfortunately looks more like it belongs on a brochure for a Florida beach resort than on an NFL helmet. If this was 2001, these would definitely be the second best uniforms in the XFL. Instead of a new logo, they should’ve went shopping for a new offensive line.
Prediction: 9-7 and a Wildcard
New England Patriots- In the span of a few weeks, Belichick cut from the roster a murderer (allegedly) and Jesus’ little brother (presumably).
As long as he has Tom Brady and some fresh hoodies, he should be okay.
Prediction: 11-5 and Division Winners
Philadelphia Eagles- They have a head coach named Chip and a GM named Howie. Chip and Howie sounds like a pair that should be running a malt shop in 1957 rather than a modern day NFL franchise. But the Chip here is Chip Kelly who was the offensive genius behind the Oregon Ducks for the past several years and the Howie is Howie Roseman who’s a Jew (right?) and thus obviously great with money (kidding... er, not really, that's a compliment), so I am all-in on these guys. Well, maybe after a year or two of finding the right players.
New York Giants- Their offensive line and linebacker groups seem to have more holes than the plot of a Tyler Perry movie and the injuries are already mounting. Tom Coughlin will likely take his familiar spot on the hot seat by Oct 4 but will also likely be back off of it by mid-December. The Giants will benefit from a quirky schedule that has them at home or on a bye from Oct 11 to Dec 1. Not to start any conspiracy theories but need I remind you where this year’s Super Bowl is being played?
Dallas Cowboys- Tony Romo is now the oldest (33), the richest, sometimes the best, and sometimes the worst player on this football team. Those are five legitimate reasons for Cowboy fans to be a little bit scared this season.
What? Only four?
Oh, my bad. The fifth reason: Jerry Jones’ Silly Putty face.
Prediction: 11-5 and a Wildcard
Washington Redskins- RG III returning PDQ with a healthy ACL is the A #1 isue for DC in 2013 if they hope to get to SB XLVIII.
As long as RG stands for Robert Griffin instead of Really Gimpy, Mike Shannahan and his oversized dentures should be wearing the NFC East crown again this season.
It’s a really cool crown and I hear it’s made out of a mix of gold, cashews and some of Pat Summeral’s ass sweat gathered up and collected in over a half dozen vials by a young Jim Nantz back in 1989.
Prediction: 11-5 and Division Winners
Oakland Raiders- Just how bad are this year’s version of the Raiders? The Kanye West-Kim Kardashian spawn has a better chance of growing up to be a well-adjusted young woman than the Raiders do of winning five games this season. Miley Cyrus has a better chance of being asked to perform on the K-Love Christian Music Awards show than the Raiders do of winning four games this season. NYC mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner has a better chance of getting caught sexting again than the Raiders do of winning three games this season.
What’s that? What now? Seriously? A few weeks ago? Well, okay then.
San Diego Chargers- No more Norv Turner to mess things up in The Whale’s Vagina but also no more is their once deep & talented roster.
Now it’s just shallow and questionable, kinda like Mama Squintz’ vagina.
Kansas City Chiefs- Andy Reid is in the barbecue capital of the world. This should escalate his expiration date rather quickly, don’tcha think?
Despite going just 2-14 last season, this team (like Andy Reid’s plate at a picnic) is fucking loaded. If they can avoid a rash of injuries like they endured last season, not have any more players commit murder-suicides, and if Alex Smith proves to be competent, they have a really good chance of Andy Reid mismanaging the clock late in the season so that they just barely miss making the playoffs.
Denver Broncos- So let’s see, what’s happened with the Donkeys since Manning played like shit and the defense allowed a ridiculous prayer by Joe Flacco to beat them in the playoffs last season? Well, they’ve added Wes Welker, got fucked by a fax machine and lost Elvis Dumervil, and now Von Miller has been suspended six games for taking a banned substance. If Miller even tries to claim that it was an accident, it’s bullshit. Have you seen the size of the glasses that muthafucka wears? He could stand on the 50 yard line at Invesco Field and read the ingredients on a can of Tang on the space shuttle with those lenses. But he is freaky good and so are the Broncos, if they can keep Manning healthy.
Prediction: 12-4 and Division Winners
Arizona Cardinals- Two words; Carson. Palmer.
St. Louis Rams- Last season, the Rams were the youngest team in the league and their defense (bet you didn’t know this) finished tied with Denver for most sacks in the league with 52. If the defense continues to improve, I simply ask, nay, I demand, that they all grow kick ass mustaches like their head coach and dub themselves the Dirt Squirrel Defense.
San Fransisco 49ers- Damn the Niners! Damn them straight to hell!! If Kaeperdick gets injured, and he will, Colt McCoy is the backup this season. Prediction: 10-6 and a Wildcard
Seattle Seahawks- Scary-good defense, Beast-mode running back, Freaky-smart and nimble young quarterback, Ridiculous home field advantage, and quite possibly the hottest cheerleader in the league (link below).
Prediction: 13-3 and Division Winners
Cleveland Browns- What do you get when you combine an already good and improving defense with an offense led by Brandon Weeden? It’s like ordering surf & turf and the waiter brining you a plate with lobster tails and raccoon meat.
Pittsburgh Steelers- The Black & Gold are getting old and have a lot of question marks. You could say they’re the NFL equivalent of John Travolta. Now I’m not saying that I’m questioning the Stillers sexuality, religion or their hairline but there are some questions.
Baltimore Ravens- I have a hunch that Ray Lewis will not adjust well to retirement. By Week 5, I expect him to show up at Ravens headquarters asking to rejoin the team only to be told by Coach Harbaugh to go back home and relax while Flacco peers over Coach’s shoulder, says, "Get out of here, Ray, this is my team now!", puts the tip of his thumb on the tip of his nose, sticks his tongue out and wiggles his other four fingers at Ray-Ray. A few days later, a limo will pull up alongside Flacco as he’s entering a Subway in downtown Baltimore, a few large men will get out, a few minutes later will get back in the limo, leaving Flacco on the sidewalk . A knife will be tossed, bloodstained clothes burned, stories collaborated, yada-yada-yada… Ray-Ray is back, Tyrod Taylor is in at QB and “using his feet” to make plays.
Prediction: 10-6 and a Wildcard
Cincinnati Bengals- Quick queston: If the Bengals went out and got a redheaded Center to pair with Dalton, would every offensive play be considered a Ginger Snap?
Prediction: 11-5 and Division Winners
Minnesota Vikings- The Vikes changed their unis (kinda) and somehow still cannot get their jersey and helmet to be the same shade of purple. How hard can that be? Maybe Nike should get a fashion designer on retainer for problems like this. A couple Lady Gaga concert tickets & a gift card to Banana Republic and this problem could be rectified in five minutes. Another more serious problem for the Vikings is their mismatched offense. They have the top tailback in the league who came within a few yards of the single season rushing record taking handoffs from a quarterback who tossed exactly zero (Zero!) touchdowns of over twenty yards last season. I’m not a fantasy football guy but I’m assuming that means Minnesota has the best fantasy running back and the worst fantasy quarterback, amiright? Speaking of fantasy football, couldn’t we come up with a better name? Fantasy? Really? When you say Fantasy Football, I assume there are a bunch of former D&D players drafting quarterbacks, tailbacks, wideouts, wizards and warlocks with extra points for stealing the other team’s unicorn or something.
Detroit Lions- Megatron, Stafford, Suh, Fairley and a bunch of guys they bought from Les over at American Jewelry and Loan over on Five Mile.
Chicago Bears- Jay Cutler was hurried, hit and knocked on his ass constantly last season. So how did the Bears choose to solve that problem? The obvious way, by having two rookies start at RG and RT this season. My guess is that by Week 4, Cutler will have been knocked down so much, his new nickname will be Six Pin. And in an effort to save his life, Roger Goodell will demand that he wear a “DANGER: CONTENTS UNDER EXTREME PRESSURE” sticker on both sides of his helmet. This will likely confuse oncoming rushers and give him some extra time to find wide open cornerbacks.
Green Bay Packers- Last season everyone said “If only the Packers had a running game, they’d be unstoppable.” So they go out and draft not just the best college running back but the TWO BEST college running backs yet no one is putting them into the mix for the Super Bowl. Just sayin’.
Prediction: 12-4 and Division Winners
Jacksonville Jaguars- Here we have yet another team with a uniform change this season. Nice try Jags but now you’re just a horrible team in a new uniform that looks even shittier than your old one. Unless the Jags change their colors to Blue & Red, put a steer head with a Paul Stanley from KISS star on its eye and stitch “TEXANS” on their jerseys, they’re not winning this division. Why? Two reasons…1) They have no talent, and 2) Blaine Gabbert is their quarterback. I surveyed thirty voices inside my head and asked them to complete the following sentence: “Blaine Gabbert is _______.” Here were the top responses…
Blaine Gabbert is one year away from the CFL
Blaine Gabbert is virtually undraftable by a non-meth addict at a fantasy football draft
Blaine Gabbert is a wasted first round draft pick
Blaine Gabbert is a nice guy with beautiful flowing golden locks
Blaine Gabbert is going to lose his job to Chad Fucking Henne
and my favorite…
Blaine Gabbert is the curly hair found floating in Jacksonville’s horrible lentil soup offense
Tennessee Titans- Hands down the most anonymous, non-descript, unexciting team in the league for the past few seasons. You hardly ever hear about them, they’re hardly ever on national television, I don’t know anyone who really likes them (outside of Tennessee) or hates them, never see anyone rocking their gear…. They do just enough not to get laughed at for sucking and not enough to get much attention. They’re numbers are o…k… but just ok enough to keep anyone from getting canned. They’re kinda like the NFL equivalent of Bones or Castle. What’s that? Exactly.
Indianapolis Colts- Andrew Luck is going to win the Super Bowl. Someday. Not this season. Probably not next season either, but someday.
Houston Texans- I don’t know if you can say the Texans window of opportunity is closing but it’s certainly been wide open the past couple seasons and they haven’t been able to crawl through despite having the best defensive player in the AFC (JJ Watt), the best wideout in the AFC (Andre Johnson) and the best running back in the AFC (Arian Foster). Maybe it’s because Matt Schaub looks more like a fry cook at Steak n’ Shake than a franchise quarterback.
Prediction: 12-4 and Division Winners
Carolina Panthers- I think that kid warming up on the playground & talking shit got into Cam Newton’s head a little bit last season. Once he got over it, he played like a champ down the stretch. The trouble is, opposing quarterbacks play like champs EVERY SUNDAY against the Panthers defense. For fuck’s sake, their starting cornerbacks are Drayton Florence and Captain Munnerlyn, who sounds less like a starting cornerback in the NFL and more like a cheap rum you’d buy off the shelves at Meijer to mix up cocktails for a party when your wife’s friends are coming over.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers- I like this team. I really like this team. But I still can’t pick them to make the playoffs. For me, they’re like that item on the menu that is a little unique, you haven’t tried it before, it sounds great, you like almost everything about it but something tells you to just get the fish n chips and call it a day. I like their coach, I like Doug Martin, I like Josh Freeman, I like that they picked up Darrelle Revis, I like their revamped offensive line…. Ugh… I’m going to regret this.
Atlanta Falcons- To quote Denny Green, “Now if you want to crown them, crown their ass!” To quote Lee Corso, “Not so fast, my friend.” To quote every old cop in a buddy cop movie, “I’m getting too old for this shit.” I am not ready to crown the Falcons, Lee Corso scares me, and at some point in the season both Tony Gonzalez and Stephen Jackson are going to find themselves nursing injuries in the cold tub and sounding like the older buddy cop.
New Orleans Saints- Coach Peyton is back from his year long suspension. Kinda reminds me of when Michael Corleone came back from Sicily. There is going to be some serious SHIT going down in Voodoo Town this season! It’s gonna make the Valentine’s Day Massacre look like a kid’s party in a bouncy house. By the way, they HAVE to do a Hard Knocks season in New Orleans next season, right? I want to see it just to find out if when Coach Peyton cuts a guy he says, “There's a car outside that will take you to the airport. I'll call your wife and tell her what flight you're on.” I’ll be on the couch yelling at the tv “Don’t get in the car! Don’t get in the car!”
Prediction: 11-5 and Division Winners
AFC Championship: Texans at Broncos
NFC Championship: Packers at Seahawks
Super Bowl: Broncos vs Seahawks
Super Bowl Champs: Broncos