Show me, don't tell me, You've figured out the score...Show me, don't tell me, I've heard it all before...Show me, don't tell me, I don't care what you say...Show me, don't tell me...You can twist perceptions, Reality won't budge...You can raise objections, I will be the judge...And the jury...I'll give it due reflection, Watching from the fence...Give the jury direction, Based on the evidence...I, the jury...Show, Don't tell

Dec 30, 2010

Freaks and Geeks, Poles and Holes, Hoof in Mouth, Cream of Belichick, Big Ben's Pickup Lines, GTLPN, Losing to Joe Webb, and the Beacon Town Beavers

So I’m watching the IFC Holiday Marathon of Freaks and Geeks the other day. Absolutely without a doubt the best one-season television show of all time. It’s not up for debate and I won’t even entertain an argument to the contrary. As a matter of fact, anyone who tries to argue against it will immediately be branded a tasteless, communist moron with no soul and lumpy porridge for a brain. Freaks and Geeks is the perfect depiction of high school, more specifically high school in 1980, of suburban life with all of its charm and cheesiness, of the struggle of kids to find themselves and of their parents to allow them make those discoveries. There are a countless number unforgettable lines and scenes from unforgettable characters delivered in breakout performances by several now-famous actors all written & directed by Judd Apatow before he went on to pen some less textured comedies such as Anchorman, The 40-Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Talladega Nights, Pineapple Express, and Funny People .

It certainly wasn’t the first nor the last scripted portrayal of American teens and their plight, but to-date, it’s the best. Like all great art, it works because it makes the audience feel something. Like all great character-driven art, it works because it makes you feel for the characters and you feel for the characters because you can relate to them. All of them, not just the freaks and not just the geeks. And not just the teens. The truth is, there’s some freak and some geek in all of us and, as we learn as the episodes progress, in each of the characters as well. And the truth is, this NFL season and the past seventeen weeks of this blog would not have been possible without the fuel provided by a huge collection of freaks, geeks, jocks, brains, divas and delinquents. As I like to do each year at this time, here’s a list in no certain order of the people, places and things to whom I’d like to say thanks for being there and not giving a damn about your bad reputation....

Jeff Fisher’s lady tickler

Ryan Fitzpatrick’s beard

Tom Brady’s hair

A mullet-less Jared Allen

Brett Favre's sternoclavicular joint

Brett Favre’s sext messages

Brett Favre’s Wranglers

The Metrodome Roof Collapse

The collapse of the Vikings

The collapse of the Cowboys

The collapse of the Bengals

Don Draper’s binge drinking

Mel Gibson’s angry phone messages

Charlie Sheen

Gus Johnson!

Don Criqui


Norv Turner

Principal Skinner

Jimmy Johnson, Survivor contestant

The Derek Anderson Experiment

Yo Gabba Gabba

The Suite Life

The Situation

The Madden Curse

Weird Science

Steven Seagal


Mike Vick's Comback


Peyton Hillis

Wet Granny Panties in Cleveland

Bills Fans Anonymous

Eli Manning bleeding from the head

The Chiefs fan who got branded while tailgating

The Raiders fan who shanked a Chargers fan

The NFC Worst

Fat Albert Haynesworth

Fish Logs

Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s legs

Hannah Montana



Eliot Spitzer

Keith Olberkork

Chris Berman

Greenberg & Golic

Mike Brown

The Mayor of London

The Great Pumpkin


Donovan McNabb’s contract extension

Donovan McNabb’s benching

Tony Romo’s engagement

Jerry Jones' face

Al Davis' Cryptkeeper face

John Skelton's goon face

Kyle Orton's face

Tom Green's face


Jessie Ventura

The McRib

The firing of Josh McDaniels

The firing of Brad Childress

The firing of Wade Phillips

The firing of Mike Singletary

Kurt Warner dancing

Rex Ryan’s fetish video

Sal Alosi’s knee

The Beastie Boys

Color Me Badd

Justin Bieber

Tecmo DeSean Jackson

The Dolphins fight song

The Falcons fight song

Corona Cans

Todd Haley's sweatsuit

The Hoodie

The Griswolds

Happy Days

Eight is Enough

Diff’rent Strokes

Big Ben’s broken nose

Big Ben getting bitch-slapped

Big Ben meets Chris Hanson

Big Ben’s Best Pickup Lines

The Brees baby name search

Bizarro Belichick


NFL Cheerleaders

Swashbuckling Santas

Marissa Miller in a bikini

The Kardashian sisters


Dandy Don

John Lennon

Leslie Nielsen

Wilford Brimley


Larry at The Southgate House

3rd-string quarterbacks

The Bears offensive line

The Cortland Finnegan - Andre Johnson fight

The John Fox Farewell Tour

The Wade Phillips Farewell Tour

The Brad Childress Farewell Tour

The Lovie Smith Farewell Tour (Cancelled)

The Jack Del Rio Farewell Tour (Cancelled)

and of course, the voice in my head that tells the other voice in my head, "Shutup and let him type, you pansy."

Now bring on the matchups!

Dolphins at Patriots-

The Fish ended up with a 1-7 home record this season and have lost three of their last four games at the hands of the lowly Browns, Bills and Lions. I’m guessing, and it’s just a guess, but I’m guessing that shortly after this game, and the season, is over, someone in the Dolphins family is going to approach head coach Tony Sporano and ask him to get in the car to “go for a little ride”. My advice to Tony is to get a fake passport and get out of the country before kickoff.

Pick: Patriots, 26-13

Raiders at Jets-

J! - E! – T! – S! Suck! SUCK!! SUCK TOES!!!!

So Rex Ryan has a foot fetish to go along with his obvious food fetish. I don’t really care but it does explain why he doesn’t mind putting his foot in his mouth every time he gets the chance. And a word of warning to his lovely wife.... If you let Rexy convince you someday to tongue his fatty arches, nibble on his heels, or suck on his fat sweaty toes, you should know that you run the risk of developing more than just severe halitosis. You could come down with….

The Jets don’t need this one, the Raiders are going nowhere, somebody has to win so maybe the fat Polack will knock through a few field goals. I’m sorry, that was offensive. Maybe the husky Polack will knock through a few field goals. What?! Oh. …..Maybe the husky Pole will knock through a few field goals. Better? Hey, if people from Poland are called Poles then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

Pick: Raiders, 19-16

Bills at Chiefs-

After Ryan Fitzpatrick took over at quarterback for Buffalo, their season kinda followed the same arc as his beard. At first it was interesting, then it looked pretty good for a while, but ultimately it just got scratchy & uncomfortable and just became something of a mess. As for Kansas City, a therapist once told me that you can learn a lot by the “soup” someone is ladled from. If that’s true then it’s no wonder why the Chiefs have ascended so quickly. Their GM is Scott Pioli, the former VP of Player Personnel for the Patriots. Their offensive coordinator is Charlie Weiss, the former OC for the Patriots. Their defensive coordinator is Romeo Crennel, the former DC for the Patriots. And their quarterback is Matt Cassel, former quarterback for the Patriots. In other words, they’re ladled from the Soup Nazi.

Pick: Chiefs, 27-17

Bengals at Ravens-

The Chad Ochocinco, Terrell Owens, Cedric Benson, Jonathan Joseph, Roy Williams, maybe Marvin Lewis and hopefully for the Love of God Bob Bratkowski Farewell Tour heads to Baltimore! How ironic it would be if Marvin Lewis’ last game as Bengals head coach takes place in the city and against the team with whom he won a Super Bowl ring before coming to Cincinnati. Also ironic that Marvin and Chad might be leaving together. HOWEVER…. If they somehow knock off the Ravens and finish the season with three straight wins, Mikey Boy might just want to keep the whole band together. If that happens, Cincinnati area hospitals will quickly be overrun with people injured by sucking on the tailpipes of their idling automobiles. Oh and hey, thanks Jerome Simpson. Thanks for doing nothing for almost three years and now finally producing just in time to give Mikey a reason to keep Bratkowski around and to get a couple pointless wins to screw up the team’s draft position.

Pick: Ravens, 21-17

Vikings at Lions-

I just took a break to change our two year olds diaper. I love her dearly but it was a disgusting, up-the-back poopfest that took eight of those diaper wipes, about a half a can of air freshener and had me on the verge of coughing up my dinner onto the embroidered flower rug lying next to her changing table. All that being said, if I had the choice between changing another diaper like that or having to sit through the horrible Vikings/Lions matchup this Sunday, the decision would be easy. I would definitely watch the football game. What’s that? You thought I was going to pick the diaper? You must not have kids. I know I joke around but you don’t joke about that stuff. It’s truly horrifying. The smell is still in my head. You know, I’m too young to have been in Vietnam but after dealing with a diaper like that, I think I can imagine what an Agent Orange-induced flashback must be like.

Pick: Lions, 24-13

Buccaneers at Saints-

Sure, the Saints have won seven of their last eight and just knocked off the Falcons in Atlanta but what could be scarier than coming off of an emotional win and having to turn right around and win again the next week against a plucky upstart division rival with an outside shot at the postseason who’d like nothing more than to take a dump on your playoff cake? Okay, other than waking up next to Joy Behar? Alright, and other than seeing Andre Smith naked. Well sure, but other than being stalked by Andy Dick. Or Eric Roberts. Or Gary Busey. Right, having tarantulas dumped into your bed would probably also be scarier. Okay, other than being stalked by creepy dudes, seeing fat people naked and having poisonous arachnids and/or members of The View (except Elizabeth Hasselbeck) in your bed, what could be scarier? What? Did you say “maggots”? Crawling where? Good Lord, you people are sick.

Pick: Buccaneers, 27-24

Panthers at Falcons-

And now it’s time for a very special guest. Most seasons I’m able to bring him in a lot sooner but this year was a bit different. However now, without further ado, it’s with great pleasure that I turn this matchup over to none other than the commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell. Thank you, Kevin. Welcome football fans, team representatives and esteemed guests. And now the eight words that the North Carolina chapter of the Andrew Luck fan club has been patiently waiting for…. The Carolina Panthers are now on the clock.

Pick: Falcons, 26-10

Steelers at Browns-

The good news for the Steelers is that they’ve locked up a playoff spot. The bad news is that also means Big Ben will have to wait a couple more weeks before heading out to the college bars to say things like, “Hey, do you know who I am?” and “Did you just buy something for seventy five cents? Cause you’re about to get yourself a quarterback.” and “Have you ever had a Super Bowl ring down your pants?” and “No, the door’s not locked, it’s probably just stuck.”

Pick: Steelers, 21-16

Jaguars at Texans-

You know how every season on Survivor there’s this one person who everybody knows is dangerous and needs to get voted out immediately but the rest of the meatheads let ‘em hang around and hang around and then wind up getting burned that person? Yeah, well the Jags and Texans are the meatheads who are now on the jury staring across at the Colts sitting there with their torch still lit and wearing an immunity necklace. I’m guessing Gary Kubiak gets voted out at the next Texans tribal council. Heck, they even have t-shirts…

Pick: Texans, 23-17

Giants at Redskins-

Speaking of getting voted out, a loss in DC and Tom Coughlin could be done in New York, er, New Jersey. After losing two straight, the Giants have to take care of the Skins and hope for the Bears to go into Green Bay and beat the Packers in order to for them make it in as a wildcard. If Coughlin does get the boot, I’d like to see him on the cast of the next Jersey Shore. I’d love to see his wrinkly red-faced sour puss out there fist-pumping at the clubs, taking part in T-Shirt Time, and turning GTL into GTLPN (Gym, Tan, Laundry, Pills, Nap). I’d give it five episodes before Snooki would “accidentally” fall asleep in his bed and just three episodes before Tommy C and JWoww would throw fists in the kitchen.

Pick: Redskins, 21-20

Cardinals at Niners-

Well I guess I was wrong. Turns out that the Niners had the stones to fire Singletary after all. Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!
Looks like I was also wrong about Cards quarterback John Skelton. He showed some promise Sunday night in the comeback win against the Cowboys. Maybe there could actually be a Miss Missouri in his future.

You know, being wrong doesn’t feel good. I don’t like it. Jesus, how does Mike Brown stand it? My stomick hurts, my hed’s spinning and I feel like I need a long, hot shower . Hey, I think I just misspelled a bunch of stuff. Crap, it’s gettin’ worse. Scooz me while I go warsh the dumb off of me.

Pick: Cardinals, 21-17

Chargers at Broncos-

According to a report in the San Diego Union-Tribune, Chargers president Dean Spanos says that GM AJ Smith and head coach Norv Turner will both be returning for the 2011 season. And that loud squishy thud you just heard was the collective sound of tens of thousands of Chargers fans heads falling into their breakfast burritos. I can understand AJ Smith coming back, hell, he’s assembled arguably the most talented roster in the league. But Norv Turner? He’s only managed to get an 8-7 record out of that roster and was in charge of an uninspired & unprepared performance against the Bengals last Sunday in a must-win situation. When asked specifically about Turner, Spanos said, "It wasn't coaching. Sometimes the best thing in the world is to make very few changes. There's an image out there that Norv is my puppet. Just the opposite. The man knows what he's doing. People may have the opposite opinion. The coach is coming back. Other teams make decisions to go in another direction. I did -- four years ago. I know it's frustrating to the fans, but I believe in this coach." When Norv Turner was asked for his response, Spanos shoved his hand up Turner’s ass and Norv mouthed “No comment”.

Pick: Broncos, 23-21

Cowboys at Eagles-

Last week, Mike Vick said he’d vote for himself for league MVP and then a couple days later he goes out on his home turf and gets outdueled by Joe Webb. The same Joe Webb who looked like an average high school option quarterback the week before against the Bears. Seriously, you can’t lose to Joe Webb and expect to be the MVP. You also can’t lose to Joe Webb and get the #2 seed and a first round bye. The only good thing about losing to Joe Webb is that it renders this game meaningless and therefore there’s nothing left to say about it except…. It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!

Pick: Eagles, 27-23

Bears at Packers-

Thanks to the Eagles loss to the Vikings on Tuesday, the Bears are locked into the #2 seed and this game means nothing to them. Well, except that if they win, they can knock the rival Packers out. If the Packers win, they’re in as the #6 seed and playing in Philly next weekend. So if you’re the Bears, what do you do? Would you rather try to knock out your nemesis while risking your quarterback or keep your quarterback away from harm and let your nemesis waltz into the playoffs? Here are a couple quick stats to help you decide: The Packers are tied for 5th in the league with 41 sacks, led by linebacker Clay Matthews who has 12.5 by himself. Meanwhile the Bears are worst in the league so far this season, allowing Cutler to be sacked 50 times. Personally, I’d sit him. And I’m guessing that the first time Matthews blows around the end and heads towards Cutler, full of bad intentions and his hair flying in the frozen air, Lovie Smith’s sphincter will tighten so hard & fast that it’ll create a black hole sucking in the whole lower half of his body, a yard marker and the nearest water boy. It will also create a strange yet predictable gravitational pull which will yank Cutler off of the field and toss Todd Collins from the sidelines and into the game.

Pick: Packers, 31-17

Titans at Colts-

Speaking of crappy backup quarterbacks with the last name of Collins, Kerry Collins takes his 3-6 record and 77.4 passer rating this season into Indy on Sunday. He has somehow managed to stay around in the NFL for sixteen seasons playing for five different teams despite completing just 55% of his passes and having only nine more touchdowns than interceptions. Collins and the less-talented doppelganger of Chris Johnson are all that stand between the Colts and extending their streak of making the playoffs to nine straight seasons. It’s amazing, even with fifteen players on injured reserve (including Dallas Clark), playing much of the season without Joseph Addai and Austin Collie, playing through injuries to Reggie Wayne, Jacob Tamme and Donald Brown, and playing behind a horse crap offensive line, Peyton Manning still somehow has them on the doorstep of another division title. I think it’s safe to say that we haven’t witnessed one individual player who’s more vital to his team’s success since Scott Howard turned into Teen Wolf and led the Beacon Town Beavers to the Nebraska State Basketball Championship in 1985.

Pick: Colts, 27-13

Sunday Night

Rams at Seahawks-

The NFC Worst division title is on the line Sunday night and if the Seahawks win, they’ll become the first team to ever win an NFL divisional title with a losing record. My buddy Johnny B asked me if I planned on watching this one, to which I replied, “Absolutely.” I am not going to miss it and I’ll be watching this one for the same reason I watched the series finale of Ally McBeal back in the spring of 2002 and for the same reason that I will someday watch the final episode of The View. To make sure it’s finally over.

Pick: Rams, 24-19

Dec 22, 2010

My Letter to Santa, Alcohol a la Mode, Fabio Brady, Firing Mike Singletary, Hotties in Santa Skirts, Samuel L. Jackson and Tecmo DeSean Jackson

Ho Ho Ho bitches!

So it's almost Christmas, it's freezing outside, and I've only got one more day of work before an eleven-day vacation. That's the good news. The bad news is that my letter to Santa just came back to me in the mail on Monday. It seems that I accidentally wrote the wrong zip code on the envelope. Seriously, the mailman couldn't figure it out anyway? I mean, how many North Poles could there be? Anyway, what that means is that Santa doesn't have my wish list yet. That's a problem. But luckily, I know from his emails that several of Santa's elves are frequent readers of this blog. I'm counting on you little scumbags to pass along the following list to Santa ASAP, it's the only way I'm gonna get it to him in time. You guys still owe me a fifth of Maker's and about eighty bucks for those lap dances at Racers last winter, do this and we'll call it even. Just cut & paste, print it and throw it on his desk for me. Here goes....

Dear Santa,

I've been a moderately good boy this year (much better than last year) and since I know you're a big believer in effort & improvement, this year's list is slightly longer than last year's. I know I'm getting it to you kinda late so just do what you can. If some of the items are out of stock, you can just make it up to me next Christmas or just throw in the cash equivalent of each item. Now, if you would be so kind, I'd like you to bring me the following:

a new gas powered leaf blower
a pair of PF Flyers Center Hi
a pair of Marshall Major Headphones
some new socks (tube socks, knee-highs with stripes, assorted colors)... not for my feet, for my weiner
an generation 4 iPod Touch that doesn't melt when I plug it into my computer
an epiphany for Mike Brown
a $500 gift certificate to Chipotle
a autographed copy of Sterling's Gold
a few packs of Sugru
a case of Maker's Mark 46
The Big Butt Book
a case of Sam Adams Winter Lager
a chance meeting with Salma Hayek underneath the mistletoe
the new Playboy Cover to Cover portable hard drive
a couple pairs of silk boxers with "El Gigante" embroidered on the waist band
Inception blue ray DVD
a bottle of ruphynol
a strong rope
a shovel
peace on earth
a large sausage pizza with a hole in the middle
four tickets to the Super Bowl
a football autographed by Don Criqui
the services of three elves for a full day to help me lay new tile in the kitchen
some new gloves
peace of mind for Lindsay Lohan
a piece of ass for my buddy Adam
a nine-iron to replace the one I threw into a tree last year
a riding lawn mower
one of those cool Porsche bobsleds
two hours in a hot tub with Christina Hendricks, January Jones and Elizabeth Moss
four hours in a steam room with the Buccaneers Cheerleaders
a coffee-scented air freshener for my car
The Beastie Boys Solid Gold Hits cd
one of those cool Gorilla ladders
eight maids-a-milking
sunshine on my shoulder (it makes me happy)
a fresh bag of Red Vines
a new belt
a 52-inch Samsung 3D LED TV
and, a big jar of honey

Thanks Santa. By the way, some of us guys chipped in to help you unwind after your busy day. You should be receiving a shipment via FedEx in the next day or two. It's an 10-ft tall pole. Just have the elves mount it somewhere close to your favorite recliner. You'll be getting a visit from a nice young lady named Brandi next Tuesday & she'll show you what it's for. Enjoy!

Your pal,


Now bring on the matchups!

Thursday Night

Panthers at Steelers-

The John Fox Farewell Tour heads to Pittsburgh!
The Steelers will be without Troy Polamalu again this week and there’s no denying that they’re not anything close to the same defense when he’s not out on the field. I’d imagine facing their defense is like having someone repeatedly swinging a punching bag at your face. And when Polamalu’s on the field it’s like being hit by that same punching bag filled with steel-handled claw hammers. Luckily for them, they shouldn’t need any hammers against the Panthers offense, maybe just a couple of rubber mallets and some bad intentions.

Pick: Steelers, 20-9


Cowboys at Cardinals-

The ‘Boys thought they’d have Tony Romo back for this one but apparently his broken collarbone still isn’t fully healed. But you know what is healed? His heart. Yep, he got engaged to some twenty four year old Dallas news reporter a couple weeks ago and is now walking on air, oblivious to the fact that he just ruined his life. But to be fair, his new fiancĂ©e just so happens o also be a former Miss Missouri.

You know who won’t be getting engaged to a former Miss Missouri? John Skelton. He’s the rookie quarterback for Arizona who’s now starting because the rest of the Cardinals collection of quarterbacks have been disasters this season. The Cards coaching staff apparently has taken a liking to Skelton because he doesn’t laugh & joke around on the sidelines while they’re getting their asses handed to them. They like that despite being a rookie, he doesn’t seem to get rattled and is extremely calm and reserved, almost emotionless. But then again, he probably looks that way because he’s deep in thought, contemplating how to get all of the other goons off of Goon Island. It’s a trickier task than you might think, especially now with that new immigration law in Arizona.

Pick: Cowboys, 28-13


Lions at Dolphins-

Other than the Lions trying to win their second straight road game after not winning one for like four years and Tony Sporano trying to pry himself off of the hot seat in Miami, there’s really nothing compelling at all about this matchup. So this might be a good opportunity to share with you my Aunt Millie’s recipe for Eggnog Custard Pie, or as we like to call it, Alcohol a la Mode. Here are the instructions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

On a lightly floured surface, unroll pie crust. Roll pastry into a 12-inch circle. Press pie crust into a 9-inch deep pie plate, crimping the edges. Lightly poke holes into the bottom of the dough once it’s fitted firmly in the plate.
In a large bowl, beat one cup of sugar and four eggs at medium speed with an electric mixer until well combined. Add one cup of evaporated milk, ¾ cup of water, 1/8 teaspoon of salt and five cups of rum (yes, I said FIVE cups). Beat at low speed until combined. Pour mixture into crust. Sprinkle top of pie with ½ teaspoon of nutmeg and1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon. Place pie onto a rimmed baking sheet with a depth of ½ inch. Add hot water to baking sheet and bake for about an hour or until a wooden toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Garnish with whipped cream and powdered sugar.

I suggest complimenting it with a Sam Adams chaser and handing your car keys to a non-pie eating family member for safe keeping.

Not Aunt Millie

Pick: Dolphins, 19-17

Patriots at Bills-

The Bills are on a two game win streak, are at home against a division rival, have nothing to lose, and are being led by a quarterback sporting a mountain man beard bushy enough to hide an average-sized otter. That’s what I’d qualify as “dangerous”. Also, Tom Brady may be distracted a bit after winning Survivor: Nicaragua the other night. Slick move using an alias and I honestly don’t know where you found the time to do it but nicely done, Tom, er, I mean Fabio.

Pick: Bills, 27-24

Redskins at Jaguars-

The Jags have gone from last week playing to wrap up a division title to this week just playing out the string and hoping for some kind of Christmas miracle. The Skins have gone from giving McNabb a bajillion-dollar contract extension to sitting him behind Rex Grossman and John Beck. Nice first year in DC for Shannahan, huh? First he presided over the mangling of the Albert Haynesworth situation and now he and McNabb are on the outs. He’s pissing off high priced talent at a rate usually reserved only for the paparazzi and Charlie Sheen.

Pick: Jaguars, 27-16

Jets at Bears-

J! – E!- T!- S! Suck! SUCK!! SUCK!!!

I know the Jets beat the Steelers last week and after the game Rex Ryan spouted, “Same ol’ Jets. Came down and got a win in Pittsburgh…” But, um...Really? Let’s not get too Rexcited, okay? Somebody please tell Rex that they’ve still lost two of their last three, their offense is still atrocious managing just one touchdown, and that was with Polamalu standing on the sidelines in street clothes. I understand that Rex is trying to take some pressure off of his team with his bluster and his brashness but with those comments and his football-burying spectacle the week before, it's starting to get embarrasingly transparent. By the way, I’ve got October 9, 2011 in the Date That the New York Media Starts to Turn on Rex Ryan pool.

Pick: Bears, 22-14

Niners at Rams-

The Rams at 6-8 can take the division if they win-out (Niners, at Seahawks). They’ve been a pleasant surprise to their fans, exceeding most expectations this season. The Niners are 5-7 and have been a colossal disappointment, especially to the many clinically insane people who picked them to go deep into the playoffs this season. The Niners have underachieved to a point that some reports have Mike Singletary’s job in jeopardy. I say there’s no way Singletary’s getting axed. Not because he doesn’t deserve it (maybe he does but I don’t think so) but because, well, who’s got the granite bowling ball-sized stones to look him in the eye and tell him to hit the road? “Hey Mike, have a seat, we need to talk. Look Mike, we’ve been talking and …. Why are you staring at me like that? Um, o-kay, well, like I was saying, we’ve been talking about the direction of the team and…. Seriously, what um,…. Are you okay? Uh, whoa, is that uh…. Is that fire coming out of your nose? My God, it’s like you’re looking right through me and into my soul. Please don’t hurt me, I have a family! Here, take these chocolates…. And my watch…. Here are my car keys, JUST PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!!”

Until they hire either Lawrence Taylor or Rowdy Roddy Piper as their GM, Singletary’s not going anywhere.

Pick: Rams, 24-17

Titans at Chiefs-

The Chiefs are probably going to have to win out to hold off the surging Chargers and I hope they do. Matt Cassel showed huge stones in coming back a week an appendectomy and leading them to victory last Sunday. The man had an organ removed from his body and played a week later. Not chess. Not online poker. NFL football. That doesn’t make him John Rambo but it does qualify him as a freak and/or a freak who was heavily medicated. And while we’re discussing my crush on the Chiefs, let’s talk about Jamaal Charles, shall we? Jamaal Charles is the football equivalent of a flash grenade. Trying to keep up with him is like following the Christmas lights on that house synched-up with that Trans Siberian Orchestra song. Jamaal Charles is the new Chris Johnson now that Chris Johnson is not Chris Johnson anymore. Well, he’s still named Chris Johnson but he doesn’t look like Chris Johnson. Well, he still looks like himself, I mean, he didn’t have a facial reconstruction or anything but he doesn’t play like Chris Johnson anymore. What if some guy had plastic surgery to look like an NFL player, you know, like in Face Off when Travolta made himself look like Christian Slater? He could kidnap the NFL player then show up at training camp and be like, “Hey, what up?” But then he’d suck and everybody would be like, “Hey, what happened to him? He lost like three steps over the winter and he’s got a beer gut.” Then he’d eventually get cut and get a job announcing games. I wonder if that’s what happened to Ron Jaworski?

Pick: Chiefs, 26-16

Ravens at Browns-
Ced Benson went for 150 against Cleveland last Sunday. Unless he comes down with food poisoning or loses part of his lower extremities in a combine accident between now and Sunday, Ray Rice fantasy owners should be in for a nice day-after-Christmas present.

Pick: Ravens, 24-13

Colts at Raiders-

After losing three straight and looking like they were down for the count, the Colts have won two in a row and now control their own destiny. Peyton Manning is the man, always will be the man, and will NOT be denied! I fully expect him to put the Colts on his back, win the final two games and secure his rightful spot in the playoffs and a customary ass-kicking at the hands of the Patriots in round two.

Pick: Colts, 26-17

Texans at Broncos-

The Gary Kubiak Farewell Tour collides with The Tim Tebow Coming Out Party and The Kyle Orton Going Away Party in Denver this Sunday. I hear there’s going to be a spiral-sliced ham, baked ziti, pasta salads, no less than three sheet cakes, plus a clown, pony rides, and a silent auction to raise money to bring Bill Cowher to town.

Pick: Broncos, 21-20

Chargers at Bengals-

San Diego is ranked #1 in overall defense. Cincinnati is #18.
San Diego is ranked #1 in pass defense. Cincinnati is #17.
San Diego is ranked #2 in rush defense. Cincinnati is #22.
San Diego is ranked #2 in overall offense. Cincinnati is #21.
San Diego is ranked #2 in passing offense. Cincinnati is #13.
San Diego leads the league in sacks with 44. Cincinnati is third to last with just 22.
San Diego quarterback Phillip Rivers is #2 in the league with a passer rating of 105.7. Cincinnati quarterback Carson Palmer is 22nd at 78.7.

Is that everything? I didn’t miss anything, did I? The Chargers are much better than the Bengals in almost every meaningful, measurable, conceivable and possible way. I mean, is there anything else I may have forgotten? Anything? Oh, actually there is one more category I almost forgot about…. It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!

Pick: Chargers, 30-17

Seahawks at Buccaneers-

This game, like the Seattle offense lately, is pretty pointless. You know what’s pretty but not pointless? Big-breasted bra-less cheerleaders, that’s what! It’s my Christmas present to all of you- A second Cheerleader Posedown this week, this one starring a bunch of swashbuckling hotties in Santa skirts.

Pick: Buccaneers, 28-16

Giants at Packers-

Both teams have to have this one after losing gut-wrenchers last week. The Pack lost due to clock management chaos in a near comeback with an inexperienced backup QB and the Giants on a huge mistake by a rookie punter to cap off a meltdown of biblical proportions. Aaron Rodgers has apparently recovered from having his brain scrambled in Detroit two weeks ago and will start for the Pack. That’s great news for Green Bay and terrible news for Tom Coughlin who can already see shadows on the ground from the vultures circling his wrinkled carcass.

Pick: Giants, 21-17

Vikings at Eagles-

Even cooler than watching outdoor football in Minnesota last week was watching an old quarterback get slammed to the frozen turf in Minnesota last week. Even cooler than that was watching DeSean Jackson’s walk-off punt return to end the Eagles-Giants game in Jersey. And the only thing cooler than that (short of Alison Brie showing up in a see-thru nightie with a bottle of Makers Mark, two glasses and a bucket of ice) is the Tecmo Bowl version of DeSean Jackson’s walk-off punt return to end the Eagles-Giants game in Jersey last week.

Pick: Eagles, 30-10

Monday Night

Saints at Falcons-
How big is this game? How big is this game?! No, don't answer that, it was a rhetorical question. Of course this game is huge. Do you know just how huge it is? Do you know just how-- now see, that wasn't a rhetorical question there, I'm really asking if you know just how huge... nevermind. Uh, geez, now you ruined... you kinda ruined the momentum I was trying to build. Tell you what, I'll let Samuel L. F'ing Jackson tell you how big it is.

Say "Rise Up" again mutha&%*<&!

Pick: Falcons, 30-28

Dec 16, 2010

Terriers, 70s Butterfaces, a Big-Handed Haitian, Popeye, Sal Alosi, an Ode to MFB, a Leper Colony Beauty Pageant, and an Uncooperative Twix Bar

So I found out today that Terriers was cancelled. You’re probably thinking, “What’s Terriers?” Exactly. And that’s why it was cancelled. And it’s ridiculous. FX is ridiculous for not marketing it better and putting it on the same time as Monday Night Football, the show runner is ridiculous for not promoting it better, and everyone who watched Castle, Chase or Pawn Stars at 10pm on Mondays instead of Terriers is ridiculous and honestly should have their televisions taken away from them for being tasteless, brain dead mouth-breathers. I’m not one of those people who get upset when something I like doesn’t get a lot of viewers, listeners, subscribers, etc. But I do get upset when something I like doesn’t get enough viewers, listeners, subscribers, etc, gets cancelled and now it’s not around anymore. And to make it worse, it was cut loose by FX who, along with AMC, had been instrumental in bringing back expertly written, expertly acted dramas with strong character development and sticking with them as they got their footing (The Shield, Rescue Me, Sons of Anarchy, Mad Men, Breaking Bad). Now FX cuts bait with Terriers and AMC is pushing The Walking Dead, a show about zombies which is so poorly written that I believe it may be penned by a handful of zombies who failed junior college creative writing courses. Here’s hoping that FX and AMC re-establish themselves at the standard-bearers for quality dramas and that their upcoming offerings (Lights Out, The Killing, Justified) live up to the traditions and are given a chance to simmer long enough in the stew which is our current American zeitgeist that enough people can be called to the table to have a taste. Terriers wasn’t given that courtesy and now goes into the pantheon of best television shows cancelled after just one season, joining the likes of Freaks & Geeks (1999), Wonderfalls (2004) and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2007). And for those of you in the know, I say Britt told Hank to go straight through the light and take him to jail. For those of you not in the know, here’s a taste of what you missed and what will likely be out soon on DVD….

Now Bring on the Matchups!

Thursday Night

Niners at Chargers-

San Diego has won five of its last six on yet another late-season dash to a division title. These Chargers late-season runs are becoming both as predictable and as ferocious as my late night runs to White Castle back in the 1991-1996 seasons. Hopefully for them it doesn’t end one night with their ’88 Celica stuck on an embankment as the result of a one-car accident and then subsequently finding themselves fleeing the scene in a disheveled tuxedo jumping backyard fences on the way to hide out at their buddy Joe’s house.

Pick: Chargers, 27-13


Bills at Dolphins-

The Dolphins are 7-6 overall but just 1-5 at home this season. I’m blaming it on these two…

Pick: Dolphins, 21-16

Lions at Buccaneers-

The Lions got some level of revenge last week by knocking off the Packers and knocking out Aaron Rodgers. This week, they get to leave cold, crappy, dirty Detroit and relax down in Tampa. This is one of those what I like to call Taxi Cab in the Rain games. It’s pouring rain, you hail a cab and as it pulls to the curb you notice that a guy holding a little kid, a full grocery bag and no umbrella was also waiving it down. He obviously needs it more than you so you let him have the cab. What? What does that have to do with the game? Well, in this story, you are the Lions and… What? No, the cab is not the Buccaneers, the other guy is the… No, the other guy’s kid is not the cab driver. The cab driver is nothing, he… What? No, listen you are the Lions, the other guy is the… No, the grocery bag is not the Buccaneers. You’re missing the point. You see, the cab represents the… What? Fight Club? No, the other guy is not a figment of your imagination like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. Just forget it.

Pick: Buccaneers, 23-17

Saints at Ravens-

Matt Shaub may have thrown the game away in OT on Monday Night but along the way he and the Texans revealed how to beat the Ravens defense. The Texans went no-huddle for the majority of their last five drives in regulation, scored five times and tied the game. Baltimore’s aging defense was gasping as they were standing around with their hands on their hips like Charo getting ready to do the Hoochie Koochie. She was one heckuva butter face, right? Of all the hot, talented Latina women in the world, the most famous one in America in the 70’s was one with red hair and a butter face? Come to think of it, aside from Wonder Woman and Charlie’s Angels (including Cheryl Ladd but not including Kate Jackson) there were a lot of famous untalented butterfaces in the 70’s. Partial to Latinas? Here’s Charo… butterface. You prefer blondes? Here’s Suzanne Somers… butterface. You like country girls in cutoff shorts? Take a look at Katherine Bach… butterface. You say you’re more into big breasted women? Feast your eyes on Adrienne Barbeau… butterface. You like a woman with a spectacular afro? Soak in the delights of Geraldine… butterface. You say that tall, raven-haired gypsys are more your cup of tea? Try Cher on for size… butterface, butterboobs, butterbutt. What in the name of God was going on back then? Where was I anyway? Oh yeah, the Ravens are getting old and the Saints will likely wear them out.

Pick: Saints, 31-20

Cardinals at Panthers-

John Skelton and the Cardinals battle Jimmy Claussen and the Panthers, this Sunday on FOX!

Pick: Panthers, 14-10

Jaguars at Colts-

Peyton Manning and the Colts could be 60 minutes away from being kept out of the postseason for the first time since 1999. If they’re going to stay alive, their 29th-ranked rush defense is going to have to figure out a way to stop Maurice Jones Drew. Watching him run reminds me of Popeye after he’d eat his can of spinach and then roll himself up into a ball and knock down Brutus and his goons like they were bowling pins. Well, except that MJD isn't a squinty-eyed white guy, doesn’t wear a sailor suit and doesn't smoke a pipe. Otherwise, exactly the same.

Not Maurice Jones Drew

Pick: Jaguars, 28-27

Eagles at Giants-

Philly has the league’s #1 offense. The Giants have the league’s #2 defense, have won three straight and are looking to get revenge for last month’s loss to the Eagles in Philly. They’re also looking for a cure to Eli Manning’s recently acquired medical condition which causes him, among other things, to throw the ball to players on the other team. I’m no doctor but they may want to try an ointment primarily consisting of aloe, honey and virgin olive oil applied by a non-virgin Haitian man with large yet gentle hands. It seemed to work for my buddy Johnny B’s jock itch a while back. It definitely couldn’t hurt to try it. Okay, well maybe it could cause some psychological damage but they have to try something. You know, come to think of it, Johnny’s not scratching anymore but it may be because he just sits around in a daze and rocking himself back and forth. So maybe try it without the Haitian dude. Or at least one with smaller hands.

Pick: Eagles, 24-20

Browns at Bengals-

Rather pointless, isn’t it? I’m not going to waste my time or yours other than to say I hope T.O. spends his final three weeks here completely trashing and exposing the ineptitude of the front office and the offensive coaches. Here’s a funny yet sad yet therapeutic yet depressing video courtesy of Ryan Parker. Enjoy…

Pick: Bengals, 21-20

Chiefs at Rams-

As I type this, KC quarterback Matt Cassel is still listed as questionable for this one. Also listed as questionable is the attorney in our office building with the big, bushy, grey handlebar mustache. The other day I caught him having a rather aggressive one-sided conversation with an uncooperative Twix bar in the fourth floor vending machine. I’m not usually one to butt into another man’s business but in this case I felt compelled to remind him, “Hey man, no means no. Just walk away.” What does this have to do with the Chiefs and Rams? Absolutely nothing. But this does… Jamaal Charles is awesome!

Pick: Chiefs, 23-21

Texans at Titans-

While we’re on the topic of guys with fantastic mustaches, apparently Jeff Fisher is on the hot seat in Tennessee. Titans owner Bud Adams commented on the record this week that as a result of his team’s disappointing 5-8 record, he would evaluate Fisher’s status at the end of the season. Speaking for all NFL teams with upcoming head coaching vacancies, I’d also like to go on the record and say that I think Bud Adams should not only evaluate Jeff Fisher’s status but he should just go ahead and fire him immediately.

Pick: Texans, 21-17

Redskins at Cowboys-

The first thing you notice when you watch the Redskins defense is their talent. They have none. Okay, maybe Brian Orakpo but I’m starting to think that his name makes him sound better than he really is. And you know, if I were him, I’d put a “W” on the end of it. Orakpow. Orak-POW! Or maybe if/when he gets a sack he could start saying that the quarterback has been Orakpwned. Get it, Orak-PWNED. See what I did there? Maybe also throw a sweet roundhouse kick in as part of his sack dance. Something like that could make him famous enough that Tashard Choice might ask for his autograph after the game or something.

Pick: Cowboys, 31-21

Falcons at Seahawks-

The Falcons have won seven straight and own the best record in the NFL at 11-2. Why? Because they’re friggin’ good. It also doesn’t hurt that they lead the league in fewest penalties (49), fewest fumbles (6) and their quarterback has a touchdown-to-interception ratio of +14.
The Seahawks are tied for first place in the NFC West. Why? Because the NFC West is friggin’ horrible. Seattle has the NFL’s 31st-ranked rushing offense, the 30th-ranked rushing defense, the 31st-ranked overall defense and have allowed 40+ points in two of their last three games. I’m almost out of metaphors, similes and hyperboles to describe how awful the NFC West is this season. Almost. Crowning a winner of the NFC West this season will be kinda like holding a beauty pageant at a leper colony and slapping a tiara on the head of the girl with the fewest amount of missing body parts.

Pick: Falcons, 31-20

Jets at Steelers-

J! – E! – T! – S! Suck! SUCK! SUCK!!!
Another Sunday like the last two and you may want to copy a picture of the Jets offense, write MISSING at the top and post it on some telephone poles in Jersey. And if you do, be careful not to get tripped by the Jets strength coach. Did you see what that clown did during last week’s game? In case you haven’t, check it out...

What a scumbag. Okay, scumbag may be a bit harsh. How about skeezbag? Dirtbag? No, I just watched it again, I’m going back to scumbag. For his little wandering knee routine, Sal Alosi (that’s his name) was suspended for the remainder of the season and fined $25,000. Due to the amount of the fine and because his name is Sal Alosi, I’m guessing that this means next month’s lease payment on his Camaro may be in jeopardy. It also means that he’s not likely to get those Ed Hardy tiger head seat covers and that case of Aqua di Gio cologne out of layaway in time for Christmas.

Pick: Steelers, 16-9

Broncos at Raiders-

It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!

Pick: Raiders, 26-21

Packers at Patriots-

Tom Brady has won 25 home games in a row as quarterback of the Patriots. That’s ridiculous. He’s ridiculous. How does a sixth round pick who looked like this at the 2000 NFL Combine evolve into one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL?

I wouldn’t have picked that dude to be on my team for Tug of War against some fifth graders.

Pick: Patriots, 26-13

Monday Night

Bears at Vikings-

If you had “Brett Favre’s Consecutive Starts Streak Will End on a Home Game in Detroit” in the pool, step right up and collect your eleventy kajillion dollars. This week’s home game will be played at the University of Minnesota while construction crews continue to try to repair the Metrodome roof and doctors try to repair Favre’s sternoclavicular joint. Do you think they offer engineering as a major at the University of Minnesota? If so, do you think they teach their students that in a region where it’s commonplace to get multiple feet of snow during a single winter storm it might not be a good idea to construct an enormous domed building equipped with an inflatable roof that’s incapable of withstanding a couple feet of snow without collapsing? Who in the hell did they hire to design that piece of crap, the company that makes those kids jumpy castles?

Pick: Bears, 26-16

Dec 9, 2010

John Lennon is Dead, the Sternoclavicular Joint, ROFLsberger's Nose, Seagal, MacGyver, More Karma, Laughing Cardinals, and Dandy Don's Dead, Too

So I heard yesterday that John Lennon is dead. Where in the heck have I been? Shot in the back. Wow. I should probably send a card or flowers or something. Man, Leslie Nielsen died last week, then Dandy Don passes away and now I find out about John Lennon. There’s barely enough Maker’s 46 in the house to get me through this past week. Thank God I had an extra bottle lying around as my father-in-law’s Christmas gift. Looks like he’s getting another socket wrench this year instead. Well, if there’s any bright side it’s that Yoko Ono’s now single. And which Beatle do you think will be next? They’re not getting any younger, you know. Will it be Paul, George, Ringo…? My guess is George. No, Ringo. Well, I had this big long intro this week revisiting my Comfort Food Theory as it relates to football but now I’ve kinda lost my appetite to discuss it. It seems so trivial in the grand scheme of things. Of course it’s not, but it seems that way right now. That feeling will pass in a couple of hours but by then it’ll be late and I won’t feel like writing because I’ll be too tired. Enough ridiculousness. For what it’s worth, here’s one of the beautifully flawless and, especially on this day of remembrance, appropriate verses that Lennon gave to us…

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends
I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

Bring on the matchups!

Thursday Night

Colts at Titans-

There are a lot of people out there ready to put the Colts season in the ground and throw dirt on it. So they’ve lost three in a row, Peyton Manning’s thrown eleven interceptions during that streak, they have eight players on Injured Reserve and another fourteen who are either listed as Out, Doubtful or Questionable for this week. Big deal. Okay, that’s not good. Hell, if it gets much worse they may have to have some guys play both ways. But despite this bad 3-game stretch, they still have the #1 pass offense in the NFL and the league’s #4 pass defense, AND their last four games are against the Titans, Jags (at Indy), Raiders, and Titans again. So c’mon, who are we kidding- the Colts NOT in the playoffs? That’d be like having a network television talent competition without a surly British guy on the judge’s panel. Trust me, there’s no way this guy’s going to let that happen. I think.

I am the eggman
They are the eggmen
I am the walrus, Goo goo g' joob

Pick: Colts, 31-17


Browns at Bills-

Here we have two fairly crappy teams who are still fighting. It’s like watching a couple of moths struggling to get out of a spider web. It’s great that they haven’t given up and who knows, they might even be able to break free. But even if they do, they’re still just an ugly brown moth and not a butterfly. Butterflies are pretty.

Sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun
If the sun don't shine you get a tan from standing in the English rain

Pick: Bills, 20-17

Giants at Vikings-

Everyone’s favorite Wrangler-wearin’ sext messager got knocked out of last week’s game with a damaged sternoclavicular joint. I’m not quite sure what that is but it’s probably located somewhere near your sternoclavicular which I believe is the love child of your sternum and your clavicle. The bad news is that it may affect his ability to grab items off of high shelves, hang a star on the Christmas tree, play clothed (or naked) Twister, and most importantly, to throw a football. The good news is that doctors say it shouldn’t affect the fit of his Wranglers or his ability to send pics of what’s inside his Wranglers.

Isn't it good Norwegian wood?

Pick: Giants, 24-16

Bengals at Steelers-

As the result of Karma (played last Sunday by the Ravens Haloti Ngata) busting up his face, ROFLsberger had to undergo surgery this week to repair his badly broken nose. You know, the only thing that could give me greater pleasure than seeing ROFLsberger getting his nose broken (aside from a coupon for free Chipotle burritos for life) would be seeing ROFLsberger getting his nose broken again. According to the fine handed down to Ngata yesterday, the penalty for such a thing appears to be in the $50,000 range. As of 3pm yesterday, I’ve begun a collection and started it off with $50 of my own money. Once all funds are collected, the People Who Enjoy Seeing (alleged) Rapists Faces Being Pounded Society will cut a check to the Bengals player who succeeds in accomplishing this mission. And yes, I’m looking at you, Rey Maualuga.

Instant Karma's gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head

Pick: Steelers, 19-13

Buccaneers at Redskins-

The Redskins are indisputably terrible but don’t blame it all on Donnie Mac. As a matter of fact, the Skins pass offense is ranked a surprisingly high #9 in the league. If we’re looking for someone to blame (and we always are), blame it on Fat Albert. Haynesworth is the highest paid defensive player in the history of the league and yet he can’t get on the field consistently because he’s either been sick, insubordinate, out of shape, or all of the above. And when he is on the field, it hasn’t been pretty. The Skins defense is ranked #32 in the league (that’s out of a possible 32) and they’ve only had-- What’s that? The Redskins just suspended Haynesworth for the rest of the season? Good move by Shannahan and his oversized dentures. It had to happen, right? The last time I remember a group being this messed up internally by a grossly overpaid and grossly overweight team member was when Rosie O’Donnell was on The View. Yeah, I know, The View is horrible television and getting rid of Rosie only took it up from “train wreck” to “dumpster fire” and the Skins defense is likely only to see the same marginal improvement but at least it should relieve some of the tension over there. You know what else relieves tension? This picture of Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

And woman, hold me close to your heart
However distant, don't keep us apart
After all, it is written in the stars

Pick: Buccaneers, 28-20

Falcons at Panthers-

If there was ever a prototypical Letdown Game, this would be it. The Falcons are coming off of a tough, emotional showdown victory in Tampa Bay, they now own the best record (10-2) in the NFL, and they’re on the second leg of a three-game road trip, so to speak. It’s classic letdown material. So classic that I’m actually going out on a limb here and picking the Panthers…. to only lose by thirteen points. What, you thought I was going to take Carolina? Have you been drinking out of that brown jug with the XXX label on it again? At least wait ‘til after lunch from now on. And share some with John Fox, would ya? He could use a little.

Temperature's rising
Fever is high
Can't see no future
Can't see no sky

Pick: Falcons, 26-13

Packers at Lions-

The Pack is rolling and come into Detroit with the league’s #9-ranked pass offense. Hey, but you know what? Chicken butt. That’s right, I went there. Plus, the Lions have the league’s #8-ranked pass offense, which is one spot better than #9. Go ahead, you can double-check it. These are the very same Lions who have gone most of the year with their #2 and/or #3 quarterbacks running the show. The difference between these two teams has been defense. Green Bay is leading the league in lowest points allowed per game (15.2) while Detroit is allowing a little over 25 points per game. But, the Lions have played all of their division opponents tough this year and they appear to be out for a little vengeance. Kinda like Steven Seagal as Detective Gino Felino in Out for Justice. Or like Steven Seagal as Mason Storm in Hard to Kill. Or like Steven Seagal as Nico Toscani in Above the Law. Or like Steven Seagal as John Hatcher in Marked for Death. And not only are they out for vengeance but they also have two freaks (Ndamukong Suh and Calvin Johnson) who just keep getting freakier each week. They have to get vengeance sooner or later.

He got hair down to his knee
Got to be a joker he just do what he please

Pick: Lions, 21-20

Raiders at Jaguars-

At the beginning of the season, this matchup looked like a good candidate for the Don Criqui Game of the Week. But now here we are (…face to face, a couple of silver spoons…) in Week 14 with the Jaguars trying to stay in first place in the AFC South and the Raiders just two games back in the AFC West. It’s also a ground battle between the league’s #2 rushing offense (Jags) against the #3 rushing offense (Raiders). Neither team throws the ball very well and both defenses are average. It looks like a pretty even matchup until you factor in one problem for the Raiders- they have to travel all the way from the armpit of California to the armpit of Florida and start the game at 10am Pacific time. Not good times. Heck, by the time most of their fans have awakened from their normal Saturday night vodka-meth coma or finished their morning prison labor, the Silver & Black could already be down by a couple of scores.

All you need is love

Pick: Jaguars, 24-20

Seahawks at Niners-

Alex Smith is back and starting this Sunday at quarterback for the Niners. That’s news that, if it hasn’t already, should swing the betting line about three more points into the Seahawks favor. But if the Seahawks (6-6) lose this one, and they have the Falcons and Bucs the next two weeks, they could go into a Week 17 showdown with the Rams with a record of 6-9…. AND STILL HAVE A SHOT AT THE PLAYOFFS! The Rams are also 6-6, are playing at New Orleans (see below) and have games remaining against the Chiefs and the Niners before that “showdown”. It’s very possible that we could have our first team with a losing record to not only make the playoffs but get to host a playoff game. I don’t think it’ll happen but make no mistake; I’m rooting for it to happen. And not only am I rooting for that to happen, I’m praying to gods I don’t even believe in to make it so. And if it does happen, part of the new collective bargaining agreement should be to take away the NFC West’s playoff eligibility. You put that division in the NCAA and it wouldn’t be granted BCS status.

(This game doesn’t deserve a picture or a lyric)

Pick: Seahawks, 17-16

Rams at Saints-

The Horns vs the Halos. Bradford vs Brees. Saint Louie vs all the rest of the Saints, I guess.

Hey, if you haven’t been following the Rams, and honestly why would you be, you might not know that Sam Bradford is having one heckuva rookie season- 61% completion rate, 2,653 yards passing, 17 touchdown passes, and a QB rating of 81.0 Not bad. Unfortunately, this week he’s squaring off against Drew Brees who has a 69% completion rate, 3,634 yards passing, 25 TD passes, a QB rating of 94.6, is the reigning Super Bowl MVP, was just named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year, was instrumental in helping the city of New Orleans recover from Hurricane Katrina, is a close personal friend of Harry Connick, Jr., and has Karma in a very good mood and sitting in his lap wearing a string bikini feeding him strawberries dipped in fresh cream.

Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about

Pick: Saints, 28-17

Patriots at Bears-

I’ve come to the conclusion that Bill Belichick was either abducted by aliens and instilled with some supernatural knowledge or he’s working under a multi-year contract with the devil. Whichever it is, he’s indisputably the MacGyver of the NFL. Hey Bill, all we have here is Tom Brady, Randy Moss, a less than 100% Wes Welker, one of the worst defenses in the league, two rookie tight ends and some dude named Danny Woodhead. No problem, give it here. Twelve weeks later, he’s turned it into a 9-3 football team coming off of a merciless beat down of the Jets on Monday night. And he did it without even using Moss, instead selling him off for parts to use in a future episode. By the way, my editor ( I don’t have an editor) says that no one under the age of 40 will get the MacGyver reference, to which I say, everyone under 40 knows how to use Wikipedia, they can look it up.

Belichick is amazing. Strong jaw, steel blue eyes, strong hands…. And um, one of the best coaches of all time. I don’t know how far his supernatural knowledge extends (the secret to building the Great Pyramids, teleportation, cold fusion technology, the cure for cancer…) or the exact terms of his deal with the devil but I’m completely ready and willing to turn this mess with the economy over to him. While we’re at it, why not give him a crack at healthcare reform, social security funding, North Korea, Afghanistan, finding Bin Laden, and the whole immigration issue.

Hey, Bungalow Bill
What did you kill
Bungalow Bill?

Pick: Patriots, 27-20

Broncos at Cardinals-

Josh McDaniels got McCanned on Monday by the Broncos. Who called it? That’s right, I called it. I believe last week my joke was, What do Josh McDaniels and the McRib have in common? They’re both available for a limited time. I am funny AND smart. You know who else is funny? Apparently Deuce Lutui. He’s funny enough to make Derek Anderson laugh even though they were getting pasted in front of the whole country on Monday Night Football. My sources tell me it was the ol’ Death by Hoola Boola joke. But apparently Jimmy Kimmel has even better sources. Damn you, Jimmy Kimmel.

And though the news was rather sad
Well, I just had to laugh

Pick: Broncos, 24-17

Chiefs at Chargers-

I’ve spent more than my fair share of time banging on Norv Turner for having underachieving teams who tank in the playoffs, being bad at game management, and bearing a striking resemblance to Principal Skinner from The Simpsons. But there’s no denying that under Norv the Chargers rarely lose late season division games, or actually any late regular season games to anyone (except of course the Raiders last Sunday). The Chiefs, even though they were my AFC “sleeper” team this season, might not be ready for a game this big on the road just yet. Plus, their coach, with his oversized hoodie and silky sweatpants reminds me of some forty year-old guy you’d see working at the YMCA and asking all the sixteen year-old kids where the parties are going to be this weekend. In other words, like my pal Squintz and kinda creepy.

Hey you've got to hide your love away

Pick: Chargers, 31-16

Dolphins at Jets-

J! – E! – T! – S! SUCK!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!!

Just kidding. Kinda. Monday night was brutal for the Jets. That was an Ike to Tina kinda whoopin’. I don’t know how they come back from that, much less fix all of the things that were exposed in just six days. But despite the beating, they do still have a solid if not very good defense against anyone not named Tom Brady. But here’s something you may not know; the Jets defense is ranked #8 in the NFL and the Dolphins defense, it’s ranked #4.

Won't you please, please help me

Pick: Dolphins, 20-13

Eagles at Cowboys-

Lots of great storylines here. There’s the continued resurgence of Mike Vick, the Cowboys turnaround under new head coach Jason Garrett, the steady leadership of Jon Kitna, the season-ending injury to Dez Bryant… All stories worthy of attention. But in case you hadn’t noticed, we’re running out of time here and there’s one thing I almost forgot. It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!

Picture yourself in a boat on a river
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes

Pick: Eagles, 26-19

Monday Night

Ravens at Texans-

I can’t talk about the Monday Night game without mentioning the passing of Don Meredith. The Cosell-Gifford-Meredith trio was the best sporting event broadcasting crew ever put together. Ever. Period. End of story. As a tribute to Dandy Don this week, the lackluster Tirico-Gruden-Jaworski would be wise to give us a few bars of “Turn out the lights, the party’s over…”
Here’s a tribute after the pick…

Pick: Texans, 27-20