Ho Ho Ho bitches!
So it's almost Christmas, it's freezing outside, and I've only got one more day of work before an eleven-day vacation. That's the good news. The bad news is that my letter to Santa just came back to me in the mail on Monday. It seems that I accidentally wrote the wrong zip code on the envelope. Seriously, the mailman couldn't figure it out anyway? I mean, how many North Poles could there be? Anyway, what that means is that Santa doesn't have my wish list yet. That's a problem. But luckily, I know from his emails that several of Santa's elves are frequent readers of this blog. I'm counting on you little scumbags to pass along the following list to Santa ASAP, it's the only way I'm gonna get it to him in time. You guys still owe me a fifth of Maker's and about eighty bucks for those lap dances at Racers last winter, do this and we'll call it even. Just cut & paste, print it and throw it on his desk for me. Here goes....
Dear Santa,
I've been a moderately good boy this year (much better than last year) and since I know you're a big believer in effort & improvement, this year's list is slightly longer than last year's. I know I'm getting it to you kinda late so just do what you can. If some of the items are out of stock, you can just make it up to me next Christmas or just throw in the cash equivalent of each item. Now, if you would be so kind, I'd like you to bring me the following:
a new gas powered leaf blower
a pair of PF Flyers Center Hi
a pair of Marshall Major Headphones
some new socks (tube socks, knee-highs with stripes, assorted colors)... not for my feet, for my weiner
an generation 4 iPod Touch that doesn't melt when I plug it into my computer
an epiphany for Mike Brown
a $500 gift certificate to Chipotle
a autographed copy of Sterling's Gold
a few packs of Sugru
a case of Maker's Mark 46
The Big Butt Book
a case of Sam Adams Winter Lager
a chance meeting with Salma Hayek underneath the mistletoe
the new Playboy Cover to Cover portable hard drive
a couple pairs of silk boxers with "El Gigante" embroidered on the waist band
Inception blue ray DVD
a bottle of ruphynol
a strong rope
a shovel
peace on earth
a large sausage pizza with a hole in the middle
four tickets to the Super Bowl
a football autographed by Don Criqui
the services of three elves for a full day to help me lay new tile in the kitchen
some new gloves
peace of mind for Lindsay Lohan
a piece of ass for my buddy Adam
a nine-iron to replace the one I threw into a tree last year
a riding lawn mower
one of those cool Porsche bobsleds
two hours in a hot tub with Christina Hendricks, January Jones and Elizabeth Moss
four hours in a steam room with the Buccaneers Cheerleaders
a coffee-scented air freshener for my car
The Beastie Boys Solid Gold Hits cd
one of those cool Gorilla ladders
eight maids-a-milking
sunshine on my shoulder (it makes me happy)
a fresh bag of Red Vines
a new belt
a 52-inch Samsung 3D LED TV
and, a big jar of honey
Thanks Santa. By the way, some of us guys chipped in to help you unwind after your busy day. You should be receiving a shipment via FedEx in the next day or two. It's an 10-ft tall pole. Just have the elves mount it somewhere close to your favorite recliner. You'll be getting a visit from a nice young lady named Brandi next Tuesday & she'll show you what it's for. Enjoy!
Your pal,
Kevin
Now bring on the matchups!
Thursday Night
Panthers at Steelers-
The John Fox Farewell Tour heads to Pittsburgh!
The Steelers will be without Troy Polamalu again this week and there’s no denying that they’re not anything close to the same defense when he’s not out on the field. I’d imagine facing their defense is like having someone repeatedly swinging a punching bag at your face. And when Polamalu’s on the field it’s like being hit by that same punching bag filled with steel-handled claw hammers. Luckily for them, they shouldn’t need any hammers against the Panthers offense, maybe just a couple of rubber mallets and some bad intentions.
Pick: Steelers, 20-9
Saturday
Cowboys at Cardinals-
The ‘Boys thought they’d have Tony Romo back for this one but apparently his broken collarbone still isn’t fully healed. But you know what is healed? His heart. Yep, he got engaged to some twenty four year old Dallas news reporter a couple weeks ago and is now walking on air, oblivious to the fact that he just ruined his life. But to be fair, his new fiancée just so happens o also be a former Miss Missouri.
You know who won’t be getting engaged to a former Miss Missouri? John Skelton. He’s the rookie quarterback for Arizona who’s now starting because the rest of the Cardinals collection of quarterbacks have been disasters this season. The Cards coaching staff apparently has taken a liking to Skelton because he doesn’t laugh & joke around on the sidelines while they’re getting their asses handed to them. They like that despite being a rookie, he doesn’t seem to get rattled and is extremely calm and reserved, almost emotionless. But then again, he probably looks that way because he’s deep in thought, contemplating how to get all of the other goons off of Goon Island. It’s a trickier task than you might think, especially now with that new immigration law in Arizona.
Pick: Cowboys, 28-13
Sunday
Lions at Dolphins-
Other than the Lions trying to win their second straight road game after not winning one for like four years and Tony Sporano trying to pry himself off of the hot seat in Miami, there’s really nothing compelling at all about this matchup. So this might be a good opportunity to share with you my Aunt Millie’s recipe for Eggnog Custard Pie, or as we like to call it, Alcohol a la Mode. Here are the instructions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
On a lightly floured surface, unroll pie crust. Roll pastry into a 12-inch circle. Press pie crust into a 9-inch deep pie plate, crimping the edges. Lightly poke holes into the bottom of the dough once it’s fitted firmly in the plate.
In a large bowl, beat one cup of sugar and four eggs at medium speed with an electric mixer until well combined. Add one cup of evaporated milk, ¾ cup of water, 1/8 teaspoon of salt and five cups of rum (yes, I said FIVE cups). Beat at low speed until combined. Pour mixture into crust. Sprinkle top of pie with ½ teaspoon of nutmeg and1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon. Place pie onto a rimmed baking sheet with a depth of ½ inch. Add hot water to baking sheet and bake for about an hour or until a wooden toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Garnish with whipped cream and powdered sugar.
I suggest complimenting it with a Sam Adams chaser and handing your car keys to a non-pie eating family member for safe keeping.
Not Aunt Millie
Pick: Dolphins, 19-17
Patriots at Bills-
The Bills are on a two game win streak, are at home against a division rival, have nothing to lose, and are being led by a quarterback sporting a mountain man beard bushy enough to hide an average-sized otter. That’s what I’d qualify as “dangerous”. Also, Tom Brady may be distracted a bit after winning Survivor: Nicaragua the other night. Slick move using an alias and I honestly don’t know where you found the time to do it but nicely done, Tom, er, I mean Fabio.
Pick: Bills, 27-24
Redskins at Jaguars-
The Jags have gone from last week playing to wrap up a division title to this week just playing out the string and hoping for some kind of Christmas miracle. The Skins have gone from giving McNabb a bajillion-dollar contract extension to sitting him behind Rex Grossman and John Beck. Nice first year in DC for Shannahan, huh? First he presided over the mangling of the Albert Haynesworth situation and now he and McNabb are on the outs. He’s pissing off high priced talent at a rate usually reserved only for the paparazzi and Charlie Sheen.
Pick: Jaguars, 27-16
Jets at Bears-
J! – E!- T!- S! Suck! SUCK!! SUCK!!!
I know the Jets beat the Steelers last week and after the game Rex Ryan spouted, “Same ol’ Jets. Came down and got a win in Pittsburgh…” But, um...Really? Let’s not get too Rexcited, okay? Somebody please tell Rex that they’ve still lost two of their last three, their offense is still atrocious managing just one touchdown, and that was with Polamalu standing on the sidelines in street clothes. I understand that Rex is trying to take some pressure off of his team with his bluster and his brashness but with those comments and his football-burying spectacle the week before, it's starting to get embarrasingly transparent. By the way, I’ve got October 9, 2011 in the Date That the New York Media Starts to Turn on Rex Ryan pool.
Pick: Bears, 22-14
Niners at Rams-
The Rams at 6-8 can take the division if they win-out (Niners, at Seahawks). They’ve been a pleasant surprise to their fans, exceeding most expectations this season. The Niners are 5-7 and have been a colossal disappointment, especially to the many clinically insane people who picked them to go deep into the playoffs this season. The Niners have underachieved to a point that some reports have Mike Singletary’s job in jeopardy. I say there’s no way Singletary’s getting axed. Not because he doesn’t deserve it (maybe he does but I don’t think so) but because, well, who’s got the granite bowling ball-sized stones to look him in the eye and tell him to hit the road? “Hey Mike, have a seat, we need to talk. Look Mike, we’ve been talking and …. Why are you staring at me like that? Um, o-kay, well, like I was saying, we’ve been talking about the direction of the team and…. Seriously, what um,…. Are you okay? Uh, whoa, is that uh…. Is that fire coming out of your nose? My God, it’s like you’re looking right through me and into my soul. Please don’t hurt me, I have a family! Here, take these chocolates…. And my watch…. Here are my car keys, JUST PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!!”
Until they hire either Lawrence Taylor or Rowdy Roddy Piper as their GM, Singletary’s not going anywhere.
Pick: Rams, 24-17
Titans at Chiefs-
The Chiefs are probably going to have to win out to hold off the surging Chargers and I hope they do. Matt Cassel showed huge stones in coming back a week an appendectomy and leading them to victory last Sunday. The man had an organ removed from his body and played a week later. Not chess. Not online poker. NFL football. That doesn’t make him John Rambo but it does qualify him as a freak and/or a freak who was heavily medicated. And while we’re discussing my crush on the Chiefs, let’s talk about Jamaal Charles, shall we? Jamaal Charles is the football equivalent of a flash grenade. Trying to keep up with him is like following the Christmas lights on that house synched-up with that Trans Siberian Orchestra song. Jamaal Charles is the new Chris Johnson now that Chris Johnson is not Chris Johnson anymore. Well, he’s still named Chris Johnson but he doesn’t look like Chris Johnson. Well, he still looks like himself, I mean, he didn’t have a facial reconstruction or anything but he doesn’t play like Chris Johnson anymore. What if some guy had plastic surgery to look like an NFL player, you know, like in Face Off when Travolta made himself look like Christian Slater? He could kidnap the NFL player then show up at training camp and be like, “Hey, what up?” But then he’d suck and everybody would be like, “Hey, what happened to him? He lost like three steps over the winter and he’s got a beer gut.” Then he’d eventually get cut and get a job announcing games. I wonder if that’s what happened to Ron Jaworski?
Pick: Chiefs, 26-16
Ravens at Browns-
Ced Benson went for 150 against Cleveland last Sunday. Unless he comes down with food poisoning or loses part of his lower extremities in a combine accident between now and Sunday, Ray Rice fantasy owners should be in for a nice day-after-Christmas present.
Pick: Ravens, 24-13
Colts at Raiders-
After losing three straight and looking like they were down for the count, the Colts have won two in a row and now control their own destiny. Peyton Manning is the man, always will be the man, and will NOT be denied! I fully expect him to put the Colts on his back, win the final two games and secure his rightful spot in the playoffs and a customary ass-kicking at the hands of the Patriots in round two.
Pick: Colts, 26-17
Texans at Broncos-
The Gary Kubiak Farewell Tour collides with The Tim Tebow Coming Out Party and The Kyle Orton Going Away Party in Denver this Sunday. I hear there’s going to be a spiral-sliced ham, baked ziti, pasta salads, no less than three sheet cakes, plus a clown, pony rides, and a silent auction to raise money to bring Bill Cowher to town.
Pick: Broncos, 21-20
Chargers at Bengals-
San Diego is ranked #1 in overall defense. Cincinnati is #18.
San Diego is ranked #1 in pass defense. Cincinnati is #17.
San Diego is ranked #2 in rush defense. Cincinnati is #22.
San Diego is ranked #2 in overall offense. Cincinnati is #21.
San Diego is ranked #2 in passing offense. Cincinnati is #13.
San Diego leads the league in sacks with 44. Cincinnati is third to last with just 22.
San Diego quarterback Phillip Rivers is #2 in the league with a passer rating of 105.7. Cincinnati quarterback Carson Palmer is 22nd at 78.7.
Is that everything? I didn’t miss anything, did I? The Chargers are much better than the Bengals in almost every meaningful, measurable, conceivable and possible way. I mean, is there anything else I may have forgotten? Anything? Oh, actually there is one more category I almost forgot about…. It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Pick: Chargers, 30-17
Seahawks at Buccaneers-
This game, like the Seattle offense lately, is pretty pointless. You know what’s pretty but not pointless? Big-breasted bra-less cheerleaders, that’s what! It’s my Christmas present to all of you- A second Cheerleader Posedown this week, this one starring a bunch of swashbuckling hotties in Santa skirts.
Pick: Buccaneers, 28-16
Giants at Packers-
Both teams have to have this one after losing gut-wrenchers last week. The Pack lost due to clock management chaos in a near comeback with an inexperienced backup QB and the Giants on a huge mistake by a rookie punter to cap off a meltdown of biblical proportions. Aaron Rodgers has apparently recovered from having his brain scrambled in Detroit two weeks ago and will start for the Pack. That’s great news for Green Bay and terrible news for Tom Coughlin who can already see shadows on the ground from the vultures circling his wrinkled carcass.
Pick: Giants, 21-17
Vikings at Eagles-
Even cooler than watching outdoor football in Minnesota last week was watching an old quarterback get slammed to the frozen turf in Minnesota last week. Even cooler than that was watching DeSean Jackson’s walk-off punt return to end the Eagles-Giants game in Jersey. And the only thing cooler than that (short of Alison Brie showing up in a see-thru nightie with a bottle of Makers Mark, two glasses and a bucket of ice) is the Tecmo Bowl version of DeSean Jackson’s walk-off punt return to end the Eagles-Giants game in Jersey last week.
Pick: Eagles, 30-10
Monday Night
Saints at Falcons-
How big is this game? How big is this game?! No, don't answer that, it was a rhetorical question. Of course this game is huge. Do you know just how huge it is? Do you know just how-- now see, that wasn't a rhetorical question there, I'm really asking if you know just how huge... nevermind. Uh, geez, now you ruined... you kinda ruined the momentum I was trying to build. Tell you what, I'll let Samuel L. F'ing Jackson tell you how big it is.
Say "Rise Up" again mutha&%*<&!
Pick: Falcons, 30-28
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