Terriers, 70s Butterfaces, a Big-Handed Haitian, Popeye, Sal Alosi, an Ode to MFB, a Leper Colony Beauty Pageant, and an Uncooperative Twix Bar

So I found out today that Terriers was cancelled. You’re probably thinking, “What’s Terriers?” Exactly. And that’s why it was cancelled. And it’s ridiculous. FX is ridiculous for not marketing it better and putting it on the same time as Monday Night Football, the show runner is ridiculous for not promoting it better, and everyone who watched Castle, Chase or Pawn Stars at 10pm on Mondays instead of Terriers is ridiculous and honestly should have their televisions taken away from them for being tasteless, brain dead mouth-breathers. I’m not one of those people who get upset when something I like doesn’t get a lot of viewers, listeners, subscribers, etc. But I do get upset when something I like doesn’t get enough viewers, listeners, subscribers, etc, gets cancelled and now it’s not around anymore. And to make it worse, it was cut loose by FX who, along with AMC, had been instrumental in bringing back expertly written, expertly acted dramas with strong character development and sticking with them as they got their footing (The Shield, Rescue Me, Sons of Anarchy, Mad Men, Breaking Bad). Now FX cuts bait with Terriers and AMC is pushing The Walking Dead, a show about zombies which is so poorly written that I believe it may be penned by a handful of zombies who failed junior college creative writing courses. Here’s hoping that FX and AMC re-establish themselves at the standard-bearers for quality dramas and that their upcoming offerings (Lights Out, The Killing, Justified) live up to the traditions and are given a chance to simmer long enough in the stew which is our current American zeitgeist that enough people can be called to the table to have a taste. Terriers wasn’t given that courtesy and now goes into the pantheon of best television shows cancelled after just one season, joining the likes of Freaks & Geeks (1999), Wonderfalls (2004) and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2007). And for those of you in the know, I say Britt told Hank to go straight through the light and take him to jail. For those of you not in the know, here’s a taste of what you missed and what will likely be out soon on DVD….






Now Bring on the Matchups!




Thursday Night


Niners at Chargers-

San Diego has won five of its last six on yet another late-season dash to a division title. These Chargers late-season runs are becoming both as predictable and as ferocious as my late night runs to White Castle back in the 1991-1996 seasons. Hopefully for them it doesn’t end one night with their ’88 Celica stuck on an embankment as the result of a one-car accident and then subsequently finding themselves fleeing the scene in a disheveled tuxedo jumping backyard fences on the way to hide out at their buddy Joe’s house.


Pick: Chargers, 27-13





Sunday

Bills at Dolphins-

The Dolphins are 7-6 overall but just 1-5 at home this season. I’m blaming it on these two…




Pick: Dolphins, 21-16





Lions at Buccaneers-

The Lions got some level of revenge last week by knocking off the Packers and knocking out Aaron Rodgers. This week, they get to leave cold, crappy, dirty Detroit and relax down in Tampa. This is one of those what I like to call Taxi Cab in the Rain games. It’s pouring rain, you hail a cab and as it pulls to the curb you notice that a guy holding a little kid, a full grocery bag and no umbrella was also waiving it down. He obviously needs it more than you so you let him have the cab. What? What does that have to do with the game? Well, in this story, you are the Lions and… What? No, the cab is not the Buccaneers, the other guy is the… No, the other guy’s kid is not the cab driver. The cab driver is nothing, he… What? No, listen you are the Lions, the other guy is the… No, the grocery bag is not the Buccaneers. You’re missing the point. You see, the cab represents the… What? Fight Club? No, the other guy is not a figment of your imagination like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. Just forget it.


Pick: Buccaneers, 23-17





Saints at Ravens-

Matt Shaub may have thrown the game away in OT on Monday Night but along the way he and the Texans revealed how to beat the Ravens defense. The Texans went no-huddle for the majority of their last five drives in regulation, scored five times and tied the game. Baltimore’s aging defense was gasping as they were standing around with their hands on their hips like Charo getting ready to do the Hoochie Koochie. She was one heckuva butter face, right? Of all the hot, talented Latina women in the world, the most famous one in America in the 70’s was one with red hair and a butter face? Come to think of it, aside from Wonder Woman and Charlie’s Angels (including Cheryl Ladd but not including Kate Jackson) there were a lot of famous untalented butterfaces in the 70’s. Partial to Latinas? Here’s Charo… butterface. You prefer blondes? Here’s Suzanne Somers… butterface. You like country girls in cutoff shorts? Take a look at Katherine Bach… butterface. You say you’re more into big breasted women? Feast your eyes on Adrienne Barbeau… butterface. You like a woman with a spectacular afro? Soak in the delights of Geraldine… butterface. You say that tall, raven-haired gypsys are more your cup of tea? Try Cher on for size… butterface, butterboobs, butterbutt. What in the name of God was going on back then? Where was I anyway? Oh yeah, the Ravens are getting old and the Saints will likely wear them out.




Pick: Saints, 31-20






Cardinals at Panthers-

John Skelton and the Cardinals battle Jimmy Claussen and the Panthers, this Sunday on FOX!


Pick: Panthers, 14-10







Jaguars at Colts-

Peyton Manning and the Colts could be 60 minutes away from being kept out of the postseason for the first time since 1999. If they’re going to stay alive, their 29th-ranked rush defense is going to have to figure out a way to stop Maurice Jones Drew. Watching him run reminds me of Popeye after he’d eat his can of spinach and then roll himself up into a ball and knock down Brutus and his goons like they were bowling pins. Well, except that MJD isn't a squinty-eyed white guy, doesn’t wear a sailor suit and doesn't smoke a pipe. Otherwise, exactly the same.


Not Maurice Jones Drew


Pick: Jaguars, 28-27






Eagles at Giants-

Philly has the league’s #1 offense. The Giants have the league’s #2 defense, have won three straight and are looking to get revenge for last month’s loss to the Eagles in Philly. They’re also looking for a cure to Eli Manning’s recently acquired medical condition which causes him, among other things, to throw the ball to players on the other team. I’m no doctor but they may want to try an ointment primarily consisting of aloe, honey and virgin olive oil applied by a non-virgin Haitian man with large yet gentle hands. It seemed to work for my buddy Johnny B’s jock itch a while back. It definitely couldn’t hurt to try it. Okay, well maybe it could cause some psychological damage but they have to try something. You know, come to think of it, Johnny’s not scratching anymore but it may be because he just sits around in a daze and rocking himself back and forth. So maybe try it without the Haitian dude. Or at least one with smaller hands.


Pick: Eagles, 24-20






Browns at Bengals-

Rather pointless, isn’t it? I’m not going to waste my time or yours other than to say I hope T.O. spends his final three weeks here completely trashing and exposing the ineptitude of the front office and the offensive coaches. Here’s a funny yet sad yet therapeutic yet depressing video courtesy of Ryan Parker. Enjoy…




Pick: Bengals, 21-20





Chiefs at Rams-

As I type this, KC quarterback Matt Cassel is still listed as questionable for this one. Also listed as questionable is the attorney in our office building with the big, bushy, grey handlebar mustache. The other day I caught him having a rather aggressive one-sided conversation with an uncooperative Twix bar in the fourth floor vending machine. I’m not usually one to butt into another man’s business but in this case I felt compelled to remind him, “Hey man, no means no. Just walk away.” What does this have to do with the Chiefs and Rams? Absolutely nothing. But this does… Jamaal Charles is awesome!


Pick: Chiefs, 23-21






Texans at Titans-

While we’re on the topic of guys with fantastic mustaches, apparently Jeff Fisher is on the hot seat in Tennessee. Titans owner Bud Adams commented on the record this week that as a result of his team’s disappointing 5-8 record, he would evaluate Fisher’s status at the end of the season. Speaking for all NFL teams with upcoming head coaching vacancies, I’d also like to go on the record and say that I think Bud Adams should not only evaluate Jeff Fisher’s status but he should just go ahead and fire him immediately.




Pick: Texans, 21-17






Redskins at Cowboys-

The first thing you notice when you watch the Redskins defense is their talent. They have none. Okay, maybe Brian Orakpo but I’m starting to think that his name makes him sound better than he really is. And you know, if I were him, I’d put a “W” on the end of it. Orakpow. Orak-POW! Or maybe if/when he gets a sack he could start saying that the quarterback has been Orakpwned. Get it, Orak-PWNED. See what I did there? Maybe also throw a sweet roundhouse kick in as part of his sack dance. Something like that could make him famous enough that Tashard Choice might ask for his autograph after the game or something.




Pick: Cowboys, 31-21







Falcons at Seahawks-

The Falcons have won seven straight and own the best record in the NFL at 11-2. Why? Because they’re friggin’ good. It also doesn’t hurt that they lead the league in fewest penalties (49), fewest fumbles (6) and their quarterback has a touchdown-to-interception ratio of +14.
The Seahawks are tied for first place in the NFC West. Why? Because the NFC West is friggin’ horrible. Seattle has the NFL’s 31st-ranked rushing offense, the 30th-ranked rushing defense, the 31st-ranked overall defense and have allowed 40+ points in two of their last three games. I’m almost out of metaphors, similes and hyperboles to describe how awful the NFC West is this season. Almost. Crowning a winner of the NFC West this season will be kinda like holding a beauty pageant at a leper colony and slapping a tiara on the head of the girl with the fewest amount of missing body parts.


Pick: Falcons, 31-20






Jets at Steelers-

J! – E! – T! – S! Suck! SUCK! SUCK!!!
Another Sunday like the last two and you may want to copy a picture of the Jets offense, write MISSING at the top and post it on some telephone poles in Jersey. And if you do, be careful not to get tripped by the Jets strength coach. Did you see what that clown did during last week’s game? In case you haven’t, check it out...



What a scumbag. Okay, scumbag may be a bit harsh. How about skeezbag? Dirtbag? No, I just watched it again, I’m going back to scumbag. For his little wandering knee routine, Sal Alosi (that’s his name) was suspended for the remainder of the season and fined $25,000. Due to the amount of the fine and because his name is Sal Alosi, I’m guessing that this means next month’s lease payment on his Camaro may be in jeopardy. It also means that he’s not likely to get those Ed Hardy tiger head seat covers and that case of Aqua di Gio cologne out of layaway in time for Christmas.




Pick: Steelers, 16-9






Broncos at Raiders-

It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!










Pick: Raiders, 26-21






Packers at Patriots-

Tom Brady has won 25 home games in a row as quarterback of the Patriots. That’s ridiculous. He’s ridiculous. How does a sixth round pick who looked like this at the 2000 NFL Combine evolve into one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL?



I wouldn’t have picked that dude to be on my team for Tug of War against some fifth graders.


Pick: Patriots, 26-13






Monday Night

Bears at Vikings-

If you had “Brett Favre’s Consecutive Starts Streak Will End on a Home Game in Detroit” in the pool, step right up and collect your eleventy kajillion dollars. This week’s home game will be played at the University of Minnesota while construction crews continue to try to repair the Metrodome roof and doctors try to repair Favre’s sternoclavicular joint. Do you think they offer engineering as a major at the University of Minnesota? If so, do you think they teach their students that in a region where it’s commonplace to get multiple feet of snow during a single winter storm it might not be a good idea to construct an enormous domed building equipped with an inflatable roof that’s incapable of withstanding a couple feet of snow without collapsing? Who in the hell did they hire to design that piece of crap, the company that makes those kids jumpy castles?




Pick: Bears, 26-16