Show me, don't tell me, You've figured out the score...Show me, don't tell me, I've heard it all before...Show me, don't tell me, I don't care what you say...Show me, don't tell me...You can twist perceptions, Reality won't budge...You can raise objections, I will be the judge...And the jury...I'll give it due reflection, Watching from the fence...Give the jury direction, Based on the evidence...I, the jury...Show, Don't tell

Sep 26, 2007

GnR, burrito rehab, Carol, Britney & Jared, Jack Tripper, Norvan, Norvert, Norvack, and some Who Dey Hooters

For those of you who haven’t heard, I am about to take part in charting a new course for American FM radio. This is serious. This is monumental. This solidifies my legend and my legacy. Sure, you’re certainly familiar with my world-renowned expertise in the fields of electromagnetic engineering, ballroom dance choreography, and South American fish farming. But you may not be aware of my high standing in the alternative rock arena.

My first foray into the field was performed non gratis on the campus of Miami University in Oxford, Ohio. Extensive minutes of research combined with my unparalleled ear for music and stranglehold on the middle-American zeitgeist of the time, culminated in a public proclamation that REM was a collection of talentless whiners who would leave an indelible impression only on the meek, the homeless, and the homely meek homeless homosexuals of our society. I, of course, was right on target.

From that proclamation, my reputation spread throughout the music world. My opinion was sought out by such moguls as Quincy Jones, Mutt Lange, Barry Gordy, Ted Templeman, and of course, Mama Squintz. The top act in Mama’s stable of performers was a little band you might have heard of here or ther-. Guns n Roses. G&R rode my suggestions to a glorious yet short-lived ride at the top of the charts. Slash’s hair & top hat- my idea. Axl’s snake dance in the Sweet Child ‘O Mine video- my idea. The opening guitar riff on Welcome to the Jungle- Slash’s creation, but I suggested the echo effect. The whistling on Patience- yep, also my idea. I even came up with their name. When I was introduced to them, they were billing themselves as Lugg Nutzz. After working my magic with G&R, a steady stream of successes followed. Tesla, Queensryche, Alice in Chains, Bush, Biggie Smalls, Faith Hill, Pantera, Ricky Martin, and on and on…

So what happened, you may ask. Well, to put it simply, two words: burrito addiction. Six years ago, I became addicted to Chipotle burritos. The doctors attribute it to the high content of cilantro combined with my high testosterone. It physically and financially ruined me. I would spend weeks just binging on burritos delivered to me by a neighbor boy whom I paid $5 per run (he eventually invested that money in some profitable penny stocks, dropped out of school, and is now a retired 13 year-old with a house on South Beach). I was a pathetic, bloated, burrito zombie. I’d often be so gorged that I literally could not lift myself off my living room floor, a floor covered by a two-foot tall sea of aluminum foil. I’d probably be dead, though my body still eerily preserved due to the cilantro, if not for Mama Squintz. She heard about the state I was in and flew immediately to my side. After several days of sponge baths and some just sensational fellatio, she convinced me to enter burrito rehab.

The rest, as they say, is history. I now have a respectable if not glamorous job, I have some money in my bank account, I’m in great shape, and I haven’t touched a Chipotle burrito in 10 months. Best of all, the word is out. First, I heard there was a buzz about me at the MTV Video Awards, then Kid Rock left me a voicemail, Clay Aiken texted me, and finally today, the call I’ve been waiting six years for. “Carol” from Music Research America phoned my cell and has offered me a seat in their alternative rock round table. I’m back, baby! We’re meeting at the Radisson the evening of October 2 to make decisions which will effectively sculpt the landscape of FM radio for years to come. It’s just me and approximately 49 other carefully selected people and we will each be paid $50 cash for our time. If things go well, I’m told that there may be future opportunities dealing with other music genres and possibly a chance to give feedback on experimental shampoos, soaps, and roll-on deodorants. Johnny B is also on the panel. I wouldn’t tell him, at the risk of hurting his feelings, but I have to presume he was selected as a tactic to try & convince me to attend.

In any case, I’m back in the game. And in case you’re worried that my newfound success and rediscovered glory will take me away from giving proper attention to this weekly blog, don’t fret. You shall all ride with me and share in my experiences (but not in my fame, fortune, and hordes of admirers) as I will keep you informed of my adventures every step of the way. And it all begins next Tuesday night in Northern Kentucky. I am preparing to document my earth-shattering return to prominence with a running diary of the evening to be posted right here. I am also in negotiations with WCET to film the event with the intention of using it for broadcast during their next on-air telethon. Bask in my glow, my friends, feel the warmth of my genius, let it comfort and inspire you. Now, I have a lot to do to prepare myself, so let’s get on with the matchups.
Also, Johnny B, Carol said if we get there early there’s a good chance that we can get a $25 bonus for giving our expert analysis on some new brand of granola snacks. Rock On!

Cal at Oregon-
Do not adjust the picture, the problem is not in your set.

Alabama at Florida State-
Best picture of the year so far. The Bama player got hit so hard, one of the numbers flew off his helmet.

Oh, no wait, I’m sorry. THIS is the best picture of the year so far.

Texans at Falcons-
As God is my witness, when I heard Chris Berman refer to Matt Schaub as Matt “Stump the Shaub” last Sunday, the top of my head lifted and a train whistle popped up and sounded. Yep, I went cartoon crazy. Mark my words, I will either skull Chris Berman with a shovel or anally violate him with Stuart Scott’s glass eye before the end of the decade.

Ravens at Browns-
The Romeo Crennel Farewell Tour is back after a short absence. Get your tickets at any local Ticketmaster or Cleveland area Waffle House today!

Raiders at Dolphins-
Culpepper leads the Silver & Black into Miami to take on his former team. Was he with the Fish long enough for this to even mean anything? They picked him over Brees, he played a couple games, stunk up the joint, got hurt, then got moved for Trent Green. Eh. This likely has all the ill will as a chance meeting between Britney Spears and that hometown pal of hers that she married & divorced all in one weekend in Vegas a few years back.
Hey, how you doin’?”
“Not bad. You?”
“Good. Got a couple kids, you know. They’re with their daddy right now.”
“You look good. Nice sweatpants.”
“Thanks. You look good, too.”
“Do you remember me?”
“Of course…. Darren, how could I forget.”
“Uh, it’s Jason.”
“Right. Well, see ya later Jared.”

Bears at Lions-
Oh, Rex Grossman… Not since Jack Tripper has a man fucked up a seemingly no-lose situation this badly.

Jets at Bills-
I find myself rooting against the Jets more than ever now, just in the hopes that ESPN Radio’s Mike Greenburg will become so distraught that he’ll eventually take his skinny ass to the top of his own ego and jump to his death, leaving nothing but a greasy mark where his super-gelled metrosexual hairdo hit the pavement. Seriously, that guy is like listening to nails on a chalkboard crossed with a whiny old Jewish housewife. And if I hear his pal Mike Golic say “Yessss, Greeney” one more time, I’m likely to hit him with a shovel or anally violate him with the alien-shaped head of John Clayton.

Packers at Vikings-
If Favre is Superman, the Metrodome is kryptonite.
Also, if Favre is Spiderman, he’d pull it off much better than that twerp Tobie McGuire. Seriously. And what’s with Kirsten Dunst? I mean, are we really supposed to find her attractive? When I’m watching the Spiderman movies, I’m yelling at the screen, “No Spiderman, you can do better than her. You’re in New York City, go find a hot model or something.” Then he takes off the mask & I’m like, “Oh, yeah, you two are about right for each other.”

Rams at Cowboys-
If you get the chance, check out Wade Phillips sometime. Everytime something good happens in the game, he’s on the sideline with an I can’t believe this is really happening to me look on his face. He’s like a Price is Right contestant during the Showcase Showdown. “Also a part of your showcase…. an interception return for a touchdown!
I keep waiting for him to turn to the stands for advice on how much he should bid.

Steelers at Cardinals-
This is the day Ken Whisenhunt’s been waiting for since January. It’s also the day the Lord has made. Let all the world rejoice.

Bucs at Panthers-
It’s Cheerleader Pose-Down Time!!!!

Seahawks at Niners-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to Hell!!!

Chiefs at Chargers-
The Chargers are learning the hard way the first rule of human resources: Never hire a man named Norv to lead your team. Who the fuck is named Norv anyway? Is it short for something? Norvan? Norvert? Norvack? I need answers!

Broncos at Colts-
Hey, it’s bonus week fellas- Two Cheerleader Pose-Downs this week!!!

Eagles at Giants-
Donovan McNabb says it’s hard being a black NFL quarterback. Really? You know what else is hard? Right, my weiner. Gosh, you guys are easy.

Monday Night

Patriots at Bengals-
Who Dey think gonna flash dem puppies!?!

Sep 18, 2007

The Dave Shula Era, Goth Girls Gone Wild, Chad Pennington's hair, a cheerleader pose-down, Phyllis Diller, and a stabbing in the Black Hole

So we went to Perkins after the bars closed the other night (and by "other night" I mean 15 years ago), and this guy walks in with a satin gold 49ers jacket on. I gave him a warm greeting (and by "warm greeting" I mean I called him a fag and told him to go fuck himself) and turned my attention back to the western omelette waiting patiently in front of me. Anyway, one thing leads to another, things are said, a couple pansys at my table wet their pants, and things finally cool down. Until of course, the Niners fan says "no hard feelings" and offers to shake my hand and I once again refer to him as a homo and to his favorite team as bunch of fags.
Now you can probably see why my career at the UN was so short-lived.

No fists were thrown & no noogies enforced but I sometimes look back on that night and wonder why I was so angry. The answer: alcohol & The Dave Shula Era. Specifically, ten beers and a couple shots of Jagermeister, and The Dave Shula Era. But even though it was the alcohol talking it still bothers me to the point that I don't want it to ever happen again. And it hasn't. I'm not talking about verbally abusing a Niners fan. I'm completely fine with that. The part that bothers me is that I let him get under my skin. Maybe it's something that comes with age, or experience, but every guy by the age of thirty realizes that keeping your cool is one of the true measures of a man. That, of course, and penis size. This came up (keeping your cool, not penis size) in a discussion I had with Johnny B recently. We were discussing what makes a quarterback a great quarterback. Other than the obvious physical components, we agreed that the most common denominator was the ability to lead, and that the most important quality in leading a group of men is the ability to stay cool under pressure. Carson Palmer has it, David Klingler didn't. Phil Simms had it, Eli Manning doesn't. You can't coach it and you can't fake it. You either have it or you don't. But you can acquire it. Johnny B shared some pretty interesting thoughts on the matter. So interesting in fact, that I feel compelled to share them with you....

It's that deoderant commercial... you know the one... "Never Let 'Em See Ya Sweat!" As I thought about this I realized there's worse things than letting them see you sweat. Sweating denotes hard work and fortitude, like lovingly preparing for an NFL game every week. Here's a few things I would rather not let 'em see me do...

* Never let 'em see you on the internet with Oreo's in one hand and your va-jay-jay destroyer in the other while surfing Barely Legal Goth Girls Gone Wild. That's a thing that would be real bad to see...

* never let 'em see your 122 mason jar collection of toenails, assorted by flavor, color and texture. That would not be good to see.

and finally...

* never let them see you enter "On Broadway" on 8th Street Downtown (the one with the rainbow flag on the balcony) with Tim Meehan, late on a Friday night after a Red's game (Tim gave me the tickets) and then wake up six hours later with nothing on but a dog collar and a new tattoo right above your @ss that says "Timmy's Little Pound Puppy". That's a thing that would be bad to see.... but for only $12.95 on a VISA or PAYPAL you can see it at www.timmyspoundpuppy.com.

Yep, he's my buddy.

Here's to staying cool and having a big weiner.

Now on with the matchups....

Chargers at Packers-
You know what happens when thousands of volts of electricity are applied to blocks of cheese? Fried cheese, baby. Who got some dipping sauce? (And in my head, when I said that, I said “sauce” like this- “Sowce”. All gangster & shit.)

Dolphins at Jets-
I’m not the first guy who should be talking about hairstyles but doesn’t Chad Pennington have the worst ‘do in all of major league sports?

It’s like he just spent 20 minutes under an extremely low-power shower head spewing out ice cold water onto his melon. Should he grow it out, should he shave it off, maybe go with a mohawk…? Honestly, he could put a piece of iceberg lettuce and a lemon wedge on top of his head & he’d look less ridiculous.

Lions at Eagles-
So God, apparently with nothing better to do, intervened in the Lions/Vikings game last Sunday and instantly cured Jon Kitna from all effects of a concussion he'd received earlier in the game. Yeah, I don’t buy it. Not because I don’t believe that God is powerful enough or kind enough to do such a thing. He certainly is all that and a bag of chips. I don’t buy it because the Lions were the favorite. Ain’t no way God opened the paper, saw the Lions as a favorite and didn’t put at least three large on the Vikings. Nope, this is not the work of God, my friends. This has Satan’s hoofprints all over it. You have been marked, Jon Kitna. You have been marked by The Beast!

Cardinals at Ravens-
One bird, two bird. Red bird, rat bird. Black bird, blue bird. Old bird, new bird.
This one has a little star.
This one has a little car.
Say, what a lot of birds there are.
One’s named Matt, and one’s named Steve.
One’s named Edgerrin, and one’s named Willis.
One’s a killer.
His name is Ray & he’s a dancing blood-spiller.
Why is he a dancing blood-spiller-killer?
Don’t ask me, go ask Phyllis Diller.

(special thanks to Dr. Seuss and Vanilla Ice. Seriously, Vanilla Ice. He's right here. He came up with the "and one's named Steve" part. He's a genius.)

Colts at Texans-
The Texans are 2-0. They keep this up and KISS’ legal team is finally going to file a motion to get in on some of the merchandise profits.

Vikings at Chiefs-
Tavarus Jackson and Damon Huard shoot it out, this Sunday on FOX!”

Bills at Patriots-
I think the only thing with less movement than the Bills offense is their paralyzed tight end. Oooh, ZING! Dang, those lightning bolts have been getting closer the last few times. I think this one singed my jumpsuit.

Rams at Bucs-
It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!!!!

So who’s the winner?
My weiner. My weiner is clearly the winner. Take a bow, weiner. Well….he’ll bow later, he kinda can’t bend over right now. Yeah, weiner!

Niners at Steelers-
Damn the Nin- no, screw that. My weiner needs to relax. Here weiner….

Bengals at Seahawks-
The WhoDeys gave up 51 points to the Browns last Sunday. 51. Seriously.
I believe the only thing more difficult than giving up 51 to the Browns is splitting an atom. With your bare hands. I know ‘cause I’ve done it before. The trick is sneaking up on the atom from behind and delivering a swift karate chop. Stick around this week to see the Bengals next trick. The defense will attempt to allow Shaun Alexander to rush for 800 yards while they simultaneously construct a fully functional fusion reactor on the sidelines.

Jaguars at Broncos-
After game-winning, walk-off field goals against the Bills and the Raiders, the Broncos are 2-0. That’s great. 2-0 in squeakers versus the Bills and the Raiders. Isn’t that the equivalent of barely beating Paris & Nicole at chess? Way to go, fellas. Treat yourselves to a smoothie.

Browns at Raiders-


Panthers at Falcons-
Quick show of hands…who here is surprised that Joey Harrington has led yet another team to an 0-2 start? Anyone? Anyone at all? Look for Joey starring next season in The Bachelor, Thursdays at 8pm EST/7pm CST on ABC.

Giants at Redskins-
With Tom Coughlin on the hot seat in the Big Apple, it’s time for our first pop quiz of the season….
If Tom Coughlin gets fired by the Giants, how will he spend his days?
a) Fishing & hunting
b) Sharing quality time with Mama Squintz
c) Serving as an analyst for the NFL Network
d) Serving his man meat to the hardworking hookers on Manhattan’s lower east side
e) Performing God’s work

Answer: b), d), e), and half of a)

Cowboys at Bears-
Bears fans are classy

Monday Night

Titans at Saints-

Saints fans are classy, too. They just move a lot slower.

Sep 12, 2007

Odds that this post will suck 2:1

I’m very busy fellas. No time to show off my cunning linguistic talents this week or to give you another look deep into the dark recesses of my brain, a brain that was scarred by a rough childhood as a healthy, white, middle-class kid raised by two loving parents. It was hell I tell ya, complete hell! Anyway, like I said, I’m busy. Very busy what with counting all my money and dealing with all the swimsuit models who, well, who just won’t take “No, three times today is enough” for an answer. So let’s get on with it. Here are the Week Two Matchups, complete with some betting tips. Odds provided by the Rosie Palms Motel and Casino in Reno, Nevada.

Falcons at Jaguars-
Odds that this promo was cut months ago and had to be re-done "It's Vick versus Leftwich! The Falcons and the Jaguars shoot it out, this Sunday on FOX!"... 2:1

Packers at Giants-
Odds that Eli's sore shoulder keeps him from playing this week... 4:1
Odds that Brandon Jacobs sore knee keeps him from playing this week... 3:1
Odds that Michaels Strahan will put on some soft jazz, turn down the lights, invite Eli & Brandon over and rub some warm Chunky Vegetable on their sore joints... EVEN

Bills at Steelers-
Odds that this guy has not already passed away from a heart-related illness...


Odds that he ever got to know a woman in the biblical sense before he died... 69:1

Texans at Panthers-
Over/Under on the number of guys I've ever seen with a haircut like Jake Delhomme's: 137

Over/Under on the number of guys I've ever sen with a haircut like Jake Delhomme's who were not also wearing a Granimals outfit at the time: 3




Saints at Bucs-

Odds that the old Buccaneer mascot is currently working as a stewardess for Delta... 3:1
Odds that he is starring in a sitcom premiering on the UPN network this fall... 2:1
Odds that he is currently hanging out at a gay bar in Key West and carries around a shoebox filled with pictures of penises he's made friends with... EVEN

Niners at Rams-
Odds that I'll type Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to hell!...
No Line

Colts at Titans-
Odds that Jeff Fisher will shave his prison pussy before the end of the season... 25:1
Odds that I will shave my prison pussy before the end of the season... 5:1
Odds that Mama Squintz will shave her prison pussy before the end of the season... 80:1
(2:1 if she happens to find her false teeth)

Bengals at Browns-
If Chad Johnson keeps his promise and jumps into the Dawg Pound after scoring a touchdown this Sunday....
Odds that he'll get punched... 2:1
Odds that he'll get stabbed with a steak knife... 5:1
Odds that he'll get injected with a hallucinogen... 10:1
Odds that this guy will violate him sexually...


Vikings at Lions-
Over/Under on the number of things I'd rather do than watch this game: 348,925
Oh wait, I forgot "touch a burning stove top" and "eat my own feces". Change it to 348,927

Cowboys at Dolphins-
Over/Under on the number of you guys who can name the Dolphins head coach: 5
Over/Under on the number of you guys who could name the Dolphins head coach if I spotted you the "Cam Cam-": 10 (sorry, US)

Seahawks at Cardinals-
Over/Under on the number of you guys who can name the Cardinals head coach: 3
Over/Under on the number of you guys who could name him if I spotted you the "Ken Whisen-" : 9 (sorry US and DJ Jazzy Jerry)

Raiders at Broncos-
Over/Under on the number of people I would maim in order to give her a tongue bath

(considering I was single, of course)... 83

Jets at Ravens-
Odds that Ray Lewis torn triceps will keep him off the field this weekend... 15:1
Odds that his torn triceps will put his salsa dance lessons on hold... 3:1
Odds that his torn triceps will hamper his sex life... Mama Squintz says 100:1

Chiefs at Bears-
Odds that Damon Huard will light up the Bears defense for over 300 yards passing and four touchdowns... EVEN
Odds that I'm reaaallly tired right now and starting to hallucinate. Hey look, there's a half-man/half-frog riding on a six-legged purple unicorn. How pretty.
.... uh, EVEN

Chargers at Patriots-
Odds that Bill Belichek really did secretly videotape the Jets defensive coaches signals last Sunday... 3:2
Odds that he has video of other teams defensive signals... 2:1
Odds that he has video of my bachelor party from 1998... 4:1
Odds that he has video of Lil' John licking grape jelly off of a stripper's ass at my bachelor party... 5:1
Odds that he has video of you spanking your monkey... 6:1
Odds that he spanked his monkey while watching his video of you spanking your monkey... EVEN

Monday Night

Eagles at Redskins-

Over/Under on the number of times the MNF crew will show her-

... 3

Odds that if you don't see her it's because she's at Fresh Squint'z house rubbing him down with some massage oils... 4,000,000,000,000,000:1

Sep 1, 2007

Spanish Sunrise, Muhammad Ali, Bronco Billy, Marky Mark, gay porn, and Carrie Underwood's publicist

Ever put down 48 bags of decorative rock? Let me tell you, it sucks. My knees are raw, my hands hurt, my back aches, and for some reason, my calves are sore. If I didn't know better, I'd think I just spent the weekend at Mama Squintz' condo. Anyway, the rock looks good. A nice, colorful volcanic-type mixture. It's called Spanish Sunrise. Coincidentally, that's also the name of my favorite sexual position, so there was absolutely no way I was going to pass it up.

And what do my 48 bags of Spanish Sunrise have to do with football? Nothing really. Except that I needed to get it done before football season starts. You see, once the regular season begins, the To Do List gets mothballed until springtime. Seriously, last year I had two things still on the list when the season began- "re-seal the patio" and "buy new underwear". Niether got done and I ended up with a crack in the patio and spending Novermber through March going commando. You try shoveling the driveway with frozen jiblets. Not good times.

This year, the only things left on my list are:
1) Fix Savannah's playscape ladder (I tried to climb it and broke a rung. Genius.)
2) Change the oil in the Accord
3) Get a haircut

The way my week is shaping up, it's a pretty good bet that a shaggy-haired Smitty will be carrying his daughter down the road to the emergency room this fall. If you see him, please take pity and give him a ride. Did I just refer to myself in the third person? Sweet. Ricky likes when Ricky talks like that.

Moving on...

(Thursday Night)

Saints at Colts-
This could be one of those "hand the torch" kind of games. Are the Saints ready to take over as the league's best offense? Probably. Then again, they could very well handle the torch like Muhammad Ali did back at the Summer Olympics in Atlanta- all shaky & trembling with a blank look on his face.
Hell, I know, straight to hell.

Falcons at Vikings-
It's Joey Harrington versus Tavarius Jackson, this Sunday on Fox!

Panthers at Rams-
Mark Bulger, Stephen Jackson, Torry Holt.....maybe this is the best offense in the NFL?
And they may just have the hottest cheerleaders, too.

More on this is the upcoming weeks as we explore other strong entries from the Bucs, Niners, Broncos, and Dolphins.

Broncos at Bills-

I must've watched this movie 126 times the first summer we got cable. It was on HBO something like six times a day for the entire summer. It was a shit movie, even for Eastwood, but I'd still rather see it for the 127th time than watch JP Losman struggle for 60 minutes.

Chiefs at Texans-
Last week it was reported that the Texans are offering a $15 discount on jersey purchases in their team store to anyone who trades in their Cowboys jersey. I'd like to right now, publicly make a similar offer. I will give $20 off any one of my world famous oral massages to any large breasted member of the Texas Bikini Team who turns in their thong at my team store.

The line forms to the left, ladies.

Dolphins at Redskins-
So let me get this straight. Last year, the Dolphins passed on Drew Brees and instead signed Daunte Culpepper. This year, they passed on drafting Brady Quinn (presumably becasue he's gay) and instead signed Trent Green. They then proceeded to release Culpepper and go with the concussion-prone Green with Cleo Lemon as his backup.
I think I speak for all Dolphin fans when I say "AAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHH, Fuck me in the blowhole!"

Patriots at Jets-

J! E! T! S! Suck! Suck!! Suck!!!

Eagles at Packers-

I'm not psychic or anything but I think Mark Wahlberg is gonna have a huge game.

Steelers at Browns-
The Romeo Crennel Farewell Tour begins this weekend in Cleveland, Ohio.

Titans at Jaguars-
Light blue pants, teal tops, black-spotted cat prints, a big cheesy mustache.... Is this an NFL game or a gay porn flick?

Bears at Chargers-
Have I ever told you guys about the time my college roommate banged Marty Schottenheimer's daughter? Yeah, it was- SHIT! Um.....I uh forgot that......you know.......well isn't this just great.......uh....hmmm......whooooh......Hey look, it's a Charger Girl!

Lions at Raiders-
Jon Kitna's ass gets handed to him, this Sunday on Fox!
Hey Jon, WWJD on third and long against this Oakland defense? He'd shit his fuckin' loin cloth, that's WJWD.
Peace be with you, sir.

I know, I know, Hell. Dammit, that's twice in one post. Somebody get me a communion wafer and a confessional, Stat!

Bucs at Seahawks-
Quick, name three Tampa Bay players.....
Quick, name three brands of tampons.....
Scary, huh?

Giants at Cowboys-
Let me be the first to welcome Tony Romo back to earth. Now that teams have had time to gameplan for him, how many bad games until Carrie Underwood's publicist releases a statement saying that "...Carrie and Tony are no longer a couple. The strain of touring and rehearsing just made it nearly impossible to sustain the relationship..."?

(Monday Nighters)

Ravens at Bengals-
WARNING: I will be tailgating for approximately 6 hours in the PBS parking lot before the game. Since I cannot and, according to a legal court document I have here in my hands, will not be held accountable for my actions, do not, I repeat Do Not cross my path Monday Night doing any of the following:
- wearing a Ravens jersey, jacket, hat, t-shirt or onesey
- handing out "Vote for Hillary" stickers or buttons
- sporting Daisy Dukes or a nicely filled tube top
- asking for spare change while holding a sign that reads "Why Lie, I Want Beer" Seriously, if I see that lame, same-schtick-for-ten-years-now hobo, I will skull him with a shovel.

Cardinals at Niners-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to Hell!!!

Now if you'll all excuse me, me and this ice cold Miller Chill are headed to the backyard to admire some niceley spread out 480 lbs of Spanish Sunrise.
Hasta lu-eggo my eggo, my bruthas.