Dec 28, 2005
So we’ve reached the final week of the NFL’s regular season. Normally a time for reflection, remorse, and a little regurgitation for us Bengal fans. But not this year. Despite a Chernobyl-esque meltdown last week against the Bills, our boys are headed to the playoffs for the first time since Knots Landing was a hit tv show and Poison had a #1 single. We’ve suffered through a lot of crap over the last fifteen years- Dave Shula, Akili Smith, David Klingler, Bruce Coslet, James Francis, Rod “Toast” Jones, Fat Daddy, Vagina Carter, and on, and on, and on…..
But today is not a day to look back, rather it’s a day to celebrate and look forward to even brighter days ahead. Let’s celebrate what the Black Jesus has brought to us. Let’s celebrate the rifle arm of Carson Palmer, the sure hands of TJ Houshmanzedeh, the acrobatic & bombastic Chad Johnson, the bull-dozing Willie Anderson, the ball-hawking Deltha O’Neal, the smashmouth running of Rudi Johnson, the tenacity of Odell Thurman, and the accuracy of Shayne Graham. Yes, I say let’s celebrate. Let’s celebrate the end of Cincinnati’s Great Football Depression, and let’s celebrate it with a song. With apologies to Adam Sandler and to the sacred days of Hannukah, here goes……..
There's a lot of football songs out there,
But not too many Cincinnati Bengal songs.
I wrote a song for all those long-suffering Bengal fans who haven’t gotten to stand up and shout for a while.
Here we go...
Put on your Bengal gear
Here comes the Who Dey cheer
It’s so much fun-a-dey
To shout for the Bengals today
Who Dey is….. the cheer of Cincinnati
Instead of “Rah” or “Go Team”, we have this crazy ebonical skatty
So when you feel like the only person, cheering the Bengals to victory,
Here's a list of people who are also Bengal fans just like you and meeeeeee..….
Sarah Jessica Parker, wears orange & black on Sundays
So do George Clooney, Bootsy Collins, and the late Doris Day-ey
Guess who eats together at the Gold Star Chil-ey
It’s the Hit King, Pete Rose and our former mayor, Jerry Springerdey
Peter Frampton's wife’s a Bengals fan, Joe Torre’s is as well
Neither one of them’s very pretty but Bengal-lovin’ Carmen Electra’s hot as hell
You don't need "Luv ya Blue" or "the Super Bowl Shuffle"
'Cause you can rock the joint with Guns n Roses’- “Welcome to the Jungle”
Put on your Bengal gear
It's time for the Who Dey cheer
The owner of Chiquita Banana-dey
Has stripes painted on his wrinkly old face today
Rosie O’Donnell, …….not a Bengal fan
But guess who is? The first man on the moon- Neil Armstrong
We got ESPN’s Dan Patrick, CNN’s Bill Hemmer, too
WKRP’s Dr. Johnny Fever, and the drummer who Fights the Foo
Some people think, that Jessica Simpson is
Well she's not, but guess who is
Both of her boobs is………….and her ex-husband, too
So many stars like to yell "Who Dey!"
Drew Carey isn't, but that’s okay because he’s gay
Tell your friend Sha-neyney
It's time to yell out "Who Dey!"
I hope they play Super Bowl Sun-a-day
And knock the snot out of the Seahawkadeys
So drink your old six pack of Hu-dey beer today
And smoke your marijuanidey
If you really, really wannadey…….
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Who Dey Day
Who Dey, Who Dey, Who Dey think gonna beat dem Bengals?!……..NOOOOOOOOBODY!!
On with the Matchups........
Broncos at Chargers-
Giants at Raiders-
Cardinals at Colts-
Ravens at Browns-
Bills at Jets-
Panthers at Falcons-
Bengals at Chiefs-
Lions at Steelers-
Dolphins at Patriots-
Saints at Bucs-
Seahawks at Packers-
Texans at Niners-
Titans at Jaguars-
Bears at Vikings-
Redskins at Eagles-
Rams at Cowboys-
Dec 21, 2005
So I'm thumbing through the newspaper the other night, trying to figure out which holiday movie the wife and I should go to, and upon soon realizing that the best Hollywood could come up with this year was a remake about a big monkey who climbs buildings and a flick about couple of cowboys who climb each other, the wife decided to do some scrapbooking (don't ask) and I decided to turn on the tv & get my nightly dose of sports. After a quick trip to the kitchen for a can of root beer and a handful of chocolate covered pretzels, my quest for the latest sports news began. I got somwehere between ESPN, ESPN 2, and The NFL Network when I realized that an extremely disturbing trend has formed. Actually, it's done more than just form, it's pretty much in full swing right now and about as out-of-control as a 25-foot tall homosexual gorilla riding bareback up on Brokeback Mountain. What am I talking about? Well, let me give you some hints.........
(Michael Irivn, ESPN) “YOU KNOW THAT WHEN THAT MAN’S IN THE GAME, YOU GOT TO GET THE BALL TO HIM. YOU GOT TO GET THE BALL IN HIS HANDS, I DON’T CARE WHO GETS UPSET, GET HIM THE BALL, PERIOD.”
(Stephen A. Smith, ESPN 2) “THE HEAT DON’T NEED PAT RILEY. WHAT THE HEAT NEEDS IS A HEALTHY SHAQ AND A LITTLE MORE HEART, AND ANYONE WHO WATCHES THIS TEAM NIGHT AFTER NIGHT LIKE I DO WOULD ALSO TELL YOU THAT DWYANE WADE NEEDS TO STEP UP HIS GAME LIKE WE ALL THOUGHT HE WOULD.”
(Sterling Sharpe, The NFL Network) “NOW WE ALL KNOW THE COLTS CAN SCORE TOUCHDOWNS BUT WHAT’S BEEN REALLY IMPRESSIVE THIS SEASON IS THE WAY THEIR DEFENSE HAS BEEN ABLE TO PUT PRESSURE ON OPPOSING QUARTERBACKS.”
(Solomon Wilcots, The NFL Network) “IT’S QUITE SIMPLE; WHEN THE COWBOYS KEEP PRESSURE OFF OF DREW BLEDSOE, HE CAN STILL MAKE PLAYS AND THE TEAM USUALLY WINS. WHEN HE’S HARASSED LIKE HE WAS LAST SUNDAY IN WASHINGTON, HIS LACK OF MOBILITY FORCES HIM TO TAKE SACKS AND THE OFFENSE REALLY SUFFERS.”
(Ron Jaworski, ESPN) “HERE, THE JAGUARS ARE LINED UP IN A STANDARD ‘COVER TWO’. YOU CAN SEE THAT THE SAFETY HAS THE RESPONSIBILITY OF COVERAGE OVER THE TOP BUT YOU’LL SEE AS THE PLAY DEVELOPS THAT HE GETS SUCKED IN BY THE PLAY-ACTION AND DOESN’T HAVE TIME TO RECOVER. THE RESULT IS AN EASY TOUCHDOWN.”
WHY ARE ALL OF THESE GUYS FUCKING YELLING AT US?!?!?!?!
Holy fucking shit! Seems like every time I tune in for some simple football analysis I feel like I'm eavesdropping in on a conversation at an old age home.
“TURN THE CHANNEL, I WANNA WATCH ‘MATLOCK’."
"I SAID, I WANNA WATCH ‘MATLOCK’."
"YOU WANT A SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS? "
"YOU HAVE A FAT COCK?"
"OH……NO, I DON’T HAVE ANY CRACK ROCK."
"YOU STUPID OLD BASTARD, TURN THE GODDAMN CHANNEL, I WAS IN THE WAR, I KILLED MEN WITH MY BARE HANDS, AAA-AAAARRRRRRGH…!”
Actually, it’s more like listening to Bobcat Goldthwait argue with Sam Kinison back when they were both still alive. Why not just say 'fuck it' & give all these assholes a microphone, an enormous megaphone, and place 'em in front of a huge stack of Marshall amps? Yeah, let ‘em hit about 160 on the decibel meter and cause me turn to the non-existent referee behind my couch for a courtesy time out "BECAUSE THE CROWD NOISE IS TOO LOUD TO CALL OUT THE PLAY".
What? Bob Goldthwait is still alive? Really? Okay, then.
Anyway, is this what they’re teaching them now over at ESPN U? Just yell reallllly loud & maybe people won’t notice that you’re making no sense whatsoever. And just in case that doesn’t work, wear some crazy suits that are way too big in the shoulders, hang down past your knees, but are somehow extremely tight around your manly biceps, throw in a neon tie, and just distract the fuck outta the folks.
Yes, I know that not all of these guys work at ESPN but they did all pass through there at some point in time. And while they were there, I sure wish they would’ve taken a cue from guys like Tom Jackson and Mike Tirico, guys who give intelligent insight while talking in a conversational tone. Instead, it seems they all hung out on the side of the lunchroom with Dick Vitale, Lee Corso, and Mel Kiper, Jr. That’s the holy trinity right there. The Father, Son, and Holy Hairdo in the art of yelling at the camera. I can’t tell if these guys are trying to sell me used cars, shag carpet, or talk me into something that's strong enough to cut through a pop can yet still sharp enough to delicately give me perfect tomato slices. Sometimes I have to flip over to C-Span just to calm my nerves for a minute. C-Span and a shot of Benadryl, that usually does the trick.
I know, it could be worse. Instead of an overabundance of screamers, there could be an overabundance of mush-mouths like Shannon Sharpe, or an overabundance of surly, tyring-to-hard-to-be-controversial guys like Sean Salisbury. But for the love of God, QUIT YELLING AT ME! Just dial the shit down a notch or twelve. It’s just football, and we’re a willing audience. It’s not like you’re trying to diffuse a prison riot at Rikers. Seriously, if I want to be yelled at, I'll pack a couple bottles of wine, a small gerbil, some petroleum jelly, and take Gilbert Gottfried & Mama Squintz up to Brokeback Mountain. Speaking of which, shouldn't that movie be called Cumback Mountain? I SAID, SHOULDN'T THAT MOVIE BE CALLED CUMBACK MOUNTAIN? Just a thought.
On with the Matchups......
Falcons at Bucs-
Hey, is that a reindeer staring into your headlights? Oh, no wait, it's just Chris Simms. Hi, Chris.
Bills at Bengals-
Fuck Takeo, Fuck-Fuck Takeo, Hey! Sing it with me....Fuck Takeo, Fuck-Fuck Takeo!
Cowboys at Panthers-
Hey Drew, Stonehenge called. It wants its' mobility back.
Lions at Saints-
Honestly, I would rather bite my nails 'til they bleed. My toenails.
Jaguars at Texans-
Nice stretch run for the Jags to get warmed up for the playoffs, huh? Last week the Niners, this week the Texans.... Can't wait to see who's on the schedule next Sunday. Maybe the Temple Owls, or possibly a gang of coke-addicted midget quadrapelegics from Circus Town.
Speaking of freakish midgets.........
Giants at Redskins-
.... I don't know about all this talk of Tiki Barber for MVP but he sure is an inspiration to "little people" everywhere, ain't he? That's one tough little munchkin.
Steelers at Browns-
Just in case you were wondering, this week I'm a huge Browns fan. Why?
Because Fuck Hines Ward, that's why.
Chargers at Chiefs-
Anybody else sick & tired of hearing that the Chargers are one of the best two or three teams in the league? "THEY'RE ONE OF THE LEAGUES TOP TWO OR THREE TEAMS AND THEY MIGHT NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS." ....... "WHAT A SHAME THAT POSSIBLY THE BEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE MAY MISS THE POSTSEASON."
Waaaah, Waaaah, Waaaaah. Maybe the best team in the league shouldn't have lost to the Dolphins two weeks ago. Get over it.
Niners at Rams-
Mark it down: "The San Fransisco Forty Niners are now on the clock."
Karma baby, karma!
Titans at Dolphins-
The Dolphins have won four in a row? Congratulations, here's a cookie.
Eagles at Cardinals-
McMahon. McCown. McHorrible NFC action, this Saturday on FOX!
Colts at Seahawks-
Tony Dungy said he was kinda relieved that the Colts lost last week because now they wouldn't have to answer all those questions about whether they could go undefeated. Wow. Those were tough questions to deal with? Really? Try answering questions like, "Where were you last Wednesday night between the hours of 1am and 3am.",.... "What are you doing with a bottle of chloroform, rope, and a muddy shovel in your trunk.",.... "Why did we find blood matching that of the victim's on your work boots?",.... "Who is Keyser Soze?"....
Raiders at Broncos-
The Norv Turner Farewell Tour hits the Mile High City!
Bears at Packers-
After this one, Brett Favre will officially be known as Brett Avre. Why? Because the.....Um...Yes, you in the third row.
"Um, because the Bears are going to knock the "F" out of him?"
Correct. Very good. What's your name?
Stacey, you're very bright. Cute, too. I like the belly ring and the cute little tattoo there. How old are you?
See me after class, please.
Vikings at Ravens-
The 2005 Felony Bowl, this Sunday night, only on ESPN!
(Monday Night) Patriots at Jets-
What an absolutely fantastic way to end my 10-day Christmas vacation. Thanks, ABC.
Dec 13, 2005
So I’m watching the late news last night, and somewhere between the “first weather check”, a tease on the upcoming weather forecast, the complete weather forecast, and “a last check on Weather”, they managed to fit in a whopping three minute sports report with Ken Broo. Yep, Ken Broo, sports guru. Why did I opt to watch Ken Broo? Good question. The answer: Because my other choices were Denny Janson and Harvey Smilovitz, that's why. When faced with a decision between a swarmy, gray-hair-parted-down-the-middle non-athletic weasel, a cheesy, no-neck non-athletic weasel and a red-headed, pock-marked, self-absorbed non-athletic weasel,..... I chose the latter. Must've been the mood I was in, I don't know.
Speaking of Ken Broo, I've been thinking about this and I'd be willing to bet that the only balls he’s ever handled were ones that were attached to Pat Barry. And speaking of Pat Barry, wasn't he the last of the weather man around here who wasn’t a meteorologist? He was definitely the last drunken sexual deviant weather man in town, but I believe also the last non-meteorologist. And exactly when did we start needing meteorologists? And why do they study meteors? And what happened to the funny weather guys and the smoking hot weather girls? What was wrong with those concepts? I say bring 'em back.
I really don’t need twelve minutes of meteorology school right in the middle of the 11:00 newscast. I don’t need to know about high pressure systems moving through Topeka or cold air masses coming down from Calgary or what kind of crazy weather baby they’re going to create once they collide. All I really need to know is:
What the weather’s going to be like for the next few days.
What the temperature is now (just as a point of reference) and,
Are any cool natural disasters occurring somewhere right now?
How long should that take? Two, maybe three minutes? Get in, get out, get onto the sports. And while you’re doing it, do it with a hot weather girl (pun intended), or even a borderline-insane funny weather guy. Sure, go ahead & have a meteorologist on staff, just don’t put him on camera. Trot the weather girl out there and have her say something like, "Gary the meteorologist told me to tell you that it’s going to be sunny but cold tomorrow. The temperature today was fifty one degrees but the temperature’s going to drop to about thirty-five, which means I’ll probably have to wear a coat over this bikini top and short-shorts. Do you like them? Hee-hee. I thought I’d wear orange because the Bengals won yesterday. Who Dey! Anyway, Gary also wanted me to show you this film footage of a mudslide in Bangladesh. Glad we’re not there, huh? Ooh, that looks yucky. Okay, well, don't forget to wear a coat tomorrow and..... Oh my, look (pointing to her chest) all this talk of cold weather has made my nippies hard, look. Back to you, Dave. Dave, are you okay?.”
Or the funny, borderline-insane guy…..
”Nice day today, huh? Fifty degrees, sunny, slight breeze. Well, Gary the meteorologist sucks. He says it’s going to be about thirty five and windy tomorrow. What a jerkwad. But take that forecast with a grain of salt. Gary was up late last night drinking Kaluha Mudslides with one of our interns, so he may not be reading the Boppler Doppler too well today. Speaking of mudslides, take a look at what’s going on in Northern Kentucky……hope you don’t have any relatives living along the river….Wow!........Actually, those were scenes from Bangladesh. That’s kinda close to Kentucky, right? Ooh, what are those houses doing, mudwrestling each other? Those Bangladeshers must’ve pissed off one of their crazy gods or something, eh? Okay, well, we’ll try to sober-up Gary & hopefully we’ll have footage of some more mudslides or a tornado or something tomorrow if we're lucky. Back to you, Dave. By the way Dave, nice new toupee.”
Okay, I’m slightly retarded. The point is, keep the weather short and light. Sports is serious business, not weather. I don’t think anyone lost their kids’ college money because they missed the Over-Under on the amount of precipitation that fell on Sunday, do you? Give me a knowledgeable sports guy and let him have the 3-D weathermap graphics to breakdown plays.
And let's get rid of the international news on the local newscasts, shall we?. The networks already cover it and cover it much better, so why bother. Let Peter Jennings, er, Dan Rather, er Tom Brokaw, er.....let somebody at the network desks take care of it. And while we’re at it, let’s also stop with all the “Don’t waste your money” guys, the “Consumer Watchdog” guys, and all of the ridiculous Health reports (coffee's good for you, no it's not, yes it is, no it's not, yes it is...). If you’re not smart enough to shop around for the best price, to not give all your money up-front to some dirtbag who’s going to remodel your kitchen, and to schedule regular checkups with your own doctor, then you should probably put the remote control down & bone-up to take the G.E.D.
Once the easliy confused are removed from the equation, we can get rid of all the newscast clutter. And while we're still at it, here's a novel idea- How about somebody showing some balls and breaking the three-headed News-Sports-Weather format in favor something a little more progressive? I say we break the news down to four basic food groups:
1) Crime & Punishment
2) Sports & Leisure
3) Local Politics
4) Local Events
Sprinkle-in a quick weather report, a quick financial report, a rundown of the winning lottery numbers, and Bam!, there’s your newscast. And by my calculations, this could easily be done within a half-hour time frame. Reduce the local news from an hour to a half-hour, follow by filling with a Seinfeld rerun to break things up, then on to the national news. It’s like the kids in Western Pennsylvania used to say to a young Billy Cowher, “Say it, don’t spray it. I want the news, not the weather.” Well, whaddya know.... ironically, I've spent so much time talking about the weather forecasts, I've only got about three minutes to squeeze in some football talk. On with the Matchups.....
Bucs at Patriots-
The Tampa Bay Bucs. Cold weather. Chris Simms. Big game.
You do the math.
Chiefs at Giants-
Mid-December. The Meadowlands. Swirling winds.
Given the recent history of these two teams, I'm guessing this one ends in a tie after Jay Feeley and Lawrence Tynes take several turns missing field goals. I'm also guessing that both leg-swingers get atomic wedgies administered before leaving their respective locker rooms.
Broncos at Bills-
The Broncos strong running game. Buffalo's 31st-ranked rush defense. JP Losman.
Hurry, catch The Mike Mularkey Farewell Tour before it's too late!
Cardinals at Texans-
Reggie Bush. Reggie Bush. Reggie Bush.
The Houston Texans are now on the clock.
Panthers at Saints-
A must-win for the Panthers. A short week for the displaced Saints. Human excrement still floating in the streets of New Orleans.
The only question here is what the Saints will do with their suddenly redundant name once they move to San Antonio. Will they be the San Antonio Saints, the San Antonio Santos, the San Antonio's, or opt for something completely different like, the San Antonio Lando and Dawns. Wait......wait......("Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree") .....there ya go.
Jets at Dolphins-
Brooks Bollinger. Gus Frerotte. It's the Jets versus the Dolphins, this Sunday on CBS!
Eagles at Rams-
(not to be outdone.....)
Mike McMahon. Ryan Fitzpatrick. The Eagles battle the Rams, this Sunday on FOX!
Steelers at Vikings-
Must-win for Pittsburgh. Must-win for Minnesota. The Vikes' post-sex orgy streak is on the line.
If my grandma ever taught me anything, it was to never, ever bet against a post-sex orgy streak. Take the purple heads.
Chargers at Colts-
San Diego has to have it. Indy doesn't need it. But, Indy still wants it.
Have I mentioned before that an old college roommate of mine once had hot monkey sex with Marty Schottenheimer's daughter? I have? Well, just consider it a reminder.
Seahawks at Titans-
The NFL's #1-ranked offense. The NFL's #1-ranked cookie duster.
Should be a nice warm-up for Seattle as they get ready for Indy next week. Kinda like sparring with a stroke victim. Stay sharp, work on your jab, watch out for his drool....
Niners at Jaguars-
Montana. Rice. Taylor.
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!!!
(yes, I know they suck now. And yes, I'm still bitter anyway.)
Bengals at Lions-
Feminine mannerisms. High-pitched voice. Whispers in the clubhouse.
Yep, Jeff Garcia sure is a homo.
Browns at Raiders-
Tui. Aso. Sopo.
Me thinks that Randy Moss is developing a nice case of The Ass right about now, don't you?
Cowboys at Redskins-
Bledsoe's deal with the devil. Brunell's deal with the devil.
My sources tell me that Satan has his attorneys working overtime, looking for a loophole in either one of the contracts.
Falcons at Bears-
An injured Vick or a healthy Schaub? A healthy Orton or a rusty Grossman?
I'll take a healthy Schaub over an injured Vick, a rusty Grossman over a healthy Orton, an injured Vick over a healthy Orton, and an injured Vick over a rusty Grossman, and I'd definitely take a healthy Schaub over a healthy Orton. And I'd take a herpes-infested Ron Mexico over a VD-free Jeff Blake any night of the week.
(Monday Night) Packers at Ravens-
The 2-10 Packers. The 4-9 Ravens.
Are you ready for some shitty fucking football!?!?!
Dec 7, 2005
Once again, congratulations to Black Bart for running the table last week, going 18-0 en route to winning Week 13 with a whopping 168 points. A perfect week. Quite impressive.
Also quite annoying.
You know, there’s a lot of “perfect” going around this football season. The Indy Colts are 12-0 and shooting for the first perfect season in the NFL since the Dolphins of ‘72, the USC Trojans are 12-0 and also shooting for a perfect season (as well as a third straight National Championship), and the Texas Longhorns are 12-0 and looking for their first national title since 1970. Three great teams who can all just, well, quite frankly, who can all just go to hell.
Seriously, we don’t need people raising the bar like this, do we? This is America. We like it when people overcome shortcomings, go through a little strife, come from out of nowhere and emerge as the victorious battered & bloodied underdog. We like David, not Goliath. Rocky Balboa, not Apollo Creed. And we certainly don’t need anyone raising the bar to “Perfect”. As a brilliant songwriter once wrote, “Nothing’s perfect except God and a California sunset.” The word "perfect" should be reserved only for things that are subjective, like the perfect wine to go with poached salmon, the perfect gift for Mother’s Day, the perfect time to take a Caribbean cruise, the perfect storm, the perfect cheer, and the perfect place to hide a crack pipe that your friend brought to your house on Thanksgiving.
-A gift certificate to a day spa
-The convergence of three weather systems that swallowed-up the Andrea Gail & its' captain George Clooney off the coast of Nova Scotia in 1991
-"I'm Arianna, I have team spirit, I don't do drugs, so check me out. Cha cha butchee, cha cha cha butchee Roll call.
My name is Craig, I did drugs once, I am a spartan, so check me out. So check us out. U.G.L.Y. you ain't got no alibi. You're ugly, hey hey your ugly."
-Anywhere but in your own car.}
We don’t need things that are measurably perfect. Billions of dollars are spent each year on diet pills, diet plans, and cosmetic surgeries because women think that there’s a standard for physical perfection. Could you just imagine the full-scale psychosis that would ensue if that was something we could actually measure? Same goes for football and everything else, only on a less estrogenical level. Keep the bar set at “above average”or below. That way, we won't feel so bad when we fail. We can just shrug our shoulders and say, "Hey, nobody's perfect" and still feel okay about ourselves. Well, except for us Paloozers because Black Bart just fucked that up for us.
At least if the Colts, Trojans, or Longhorns go undefeated it won't be a new phenomenon in the NFL or College Football. There have been plenty of no-loss college national champions and Daddy Shula's Dolphins have been popping champagne for more than a quarter century now. But Bart's perfect week was a kidney punch we hadn't experienced before and quite honestly weren't really ready for. But it happened. So what do we do? Go on with the knowledge that no matter how good a week you have, you can never top 18-0? Or maybe we'll just have to use it as motivation and accept Barts' Week 13 as a sign of his superior brilliance. Or maybe............maybe we all agree to wipe Bart from all Palooza documents, return his money to him, and go on as if he never existed, swearing to never speak of him again, and thus giving back to each of us our false senses of self-worth and accomplishment.
Dare I say it but, that sounds like the perfect idea.
Now, on with the Matchups…..
Bears at Steelers-
Show of hands........who else wanted to jam a live snapping turtle up Hines Ward's sphincter when he was doing the Ickey Shuffle last Sunday?
Browns at Bengals-
Chad Johnson guaranteed that the Bengals would score at least 40 points a game for the rest of the regular season. The funniest part of that statement is that it actually doesn't seem that ridiculous. Who Dey, baby!
Texans at Titans-
For the love of God, please divert your eyes! Just a glimspe of this unholy matchup could turn your eyes to stone and melt the flesh from your bones.
Jaguars at Colts-
For the record, Jags quarterback David Garrard shall henceforth be referred to as "Kevin Mitchell". Please make a note of it.
Patriots at Bills-
Hey Corey Dillon and Takeo Spikes,..... Eat shit muthafuckas!
Raiders at Jets-
J-E-T-S Suck, Suck, Suck!!!
Rams at Vikings-
When the Vikes got out to an ugly 2-5 start I thought they were as dead as Emilio Estevez' career. Now they're 7-5 and in the thick of the Wildcard race. Unbelievable. Maybe Emilio should take a clue from the Vikings and go rent a yacht & bang some trashy Minnesota whore to turn his luck around. Hey, could somebody get Prince on the phone please?
Bucs at Panthers-
Ever notice that I always type "Bucs"? It's because I'm really not sure if you spell it Buccaneers, Bucanneers, or Buccanneers.
Giants at Eagles-
Andy Reid's brain on Tuesday morning: Mike McMahon or Koy Dettmer?, Mike McMahon or Koy Dettmer?, Mike McMahon or Koy Dettmer?, Fuck me in the ass or Fuck me in the ass?....
Niners at Seahawks-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to Hell!!!!!!!
Redskins at Cardinals-
Two former division rivals battle for absolutely nothing, this Sunday on FOX!
Ravens at Broncos-
Hasn't it been nice to go through almost an entire season without having to hear anything come out of Ray Lewis' pie hole?
Chiefs at Cowboys-
Apparently Drew Bledsoe has missed a couple of interest payments to Satan.
Dolphins at Chargers-
Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't Sage a stripper's name?
Lions at Packers-
ESPN's Sunday Night Showdown!
Seriously, I think a brilliant move would be for ESPN to say nothing and just have Patrick, Theisman and McGuire do play-by-play of an old Detroit-Green Bay game from like 1997 when Brett Favre and Barry Sanders were in their primes. Would anyone complain? Yes. Would anyone outside of Green Bay complain? No. Would it be hilarious? Yes. What are we waiting for?- go find that tape!
(Monday Night) Saints at Falcons-
Are you ready for a beat-down?! A Monday Night bloodbath!
Sidenote: Hey Falcon fans, sure Ron Mexico is the most athletic herpes-infested football player on the planet, but go ahead & take a good look at Aaron Brooks. That's what R-Mex is going to look like when he loses a step. Not good times.
Nov 30, 2005
So I’m watching the Colts dismantle the Steelers on Monday night and because apparently I’m the type of person who needs to be constantly entertained, I flip around to other channels during the commercial breaks, the referee huddles, the first down measurements, and each & every time Michaels and Madden toss it down to the sideline reporter. After a few flips, something catches my eye. No, not E!'s Celebrity Poker. No, not the latest Ashlee Simpson video. And no, not The Making of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar. It was a show on the Food Network about, well, food (and again no, I’m not gay). Specifically, this show was about what we commonly refer to as “comfort foods”. You know, those foods that make us feel good, ones that we just have to have every once in a while, that we could eat every day if we had to, and that for some reason, just always hit the spot. Mine is a grilled turkey, bacon & cheese sandwich with a bowl of tomato soup. Yours might be a peanut butter & jelly sandwich with the crust cut off, or maybe your mom’s meatloaf, or perhaps a steaming bowl of Chunky Clam Chowder, or, if you’re Cardinals head coach Denny Green, five egg sandwiches, a stack of hotcakes, a basket of bisuits smothered in beef gravy, and fourteen cinnamon rolls.
So I built up an appetite, flipped around some more and found Pulp Fiction airing for just the 273rd time this month on the IFC channel. After a few minutes of Jules toying with Vincent, then Jules toying with Brett, then Mia toying with Vincent, it hit me- Pulp Fiction is one of my comfort foods. Yep, you see I don’t think a comfort food has to actually be a “food”. It could be a movie, a tv show, a cd, a book, a best friend, a pet, a weekly card game, a favorite chair, or, if you’re Michael Irvin, a lovely, well-stuffed crack pipe. It’s anything that makes you feel like, no matter what else is going on, that everything is somehow going to be okay. We have to have these things. We have to know that they’re there, waiting for us, whenever we need them. They’re our “go-to” receivers. Basically, they’re our Marvin Harrisons.
Flipping back to the game, I realized that Marvin is Peyton’s comfort food. First play of a big game on Monday Night Football against a tough defense, what do you do? Fake the handoff and throw it to number 88. Eighty yards later…. touchdown, statement made, game over. Comfort food.
Manning has plenty of other guys to throw to; Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, and Brandon Stokley are all capable receivers but none of it works without Harrison. He’s the go-to guy. Why is he Manning’s go-to guy, his "comfort food"? Because Manning knows that he’ll be where he’s supposed to be, when he’s supposed to be there, and no matter what he throws at him, he’ll take care of it. No matter what else is going on around him- other receivers running wrong routes, an ineffective running game, too much crowd noise to yell out an audible...- all it takes is a look, just a look from Manning to Harrison & they're on the same page. Comfort food.
Believe me, none of it works without Harrison. If you don't believe me, take away someone’s comfort food and watch what happens. What if suddenly your dog ran away, or your best friend stopped talking to you, or the weekly poker game was no more, or mom went on a meatloaf-baking strike….? You’d be out of sorts....not yourself....a little lost, don’t you think? Of course you would. Being comfortable isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity. Ask Brett Favre just how much fun he’s having without Robert Ferguson. Ask Duante Culpepper how grand life was without Randy Moss. Check with the Saints on how it feels to be temporary residents of San Antonio.
Not good times.
Why do I mention all this? Because with five weeks left, this is the time when quarterbacks start relying on the "go-to guys", coordinators start depending on their "bread & butter plays", and head coaches start saying things like, “we've gotta get back to what we do best”. That’s why this Sunday I fully expect to see a lot of Roethlisberger handing off to Bettis, Carson Palmer looking for Chad Johnson, Bledsoe looking for Keyshawn, Eli tossing to Shockey, Vick pulling it down & running out of the pocket, Delhomme throwing to Steve Smith, a lot of Green to Gonzalez in KC, and the Broncos making chop blocks….lots and lots of chop blocks. And me, well, you can be sure I’ll be watching it all go down while eating my grilled turkey, bacon & cheese sandwich with a hot bowl of tomato soup. Or maybe a Big Kahuna burger and five-dollar milkshake.
On with the Matchups...........
Falcons at Panthers-
Is it just me, or are the Falcons about as unpredictable as Courtney Love at an open bar reception? You really can't be sure if they're gonna just quietly pass out or if they're gonna yell at the DJ, take a swing at the maid of honor, puke in the champagne fountain and piss on the dance floor. It's a toss-up, really.
Bills at Dolphins-
The battle for second place in the crappiest division of all time! This Sunday, only on CBS!
Bengals at Steelers-
Hey Marvin Lewis, turn around, you've got something on your back. Oh, hey, it's a black & gold monkey! You may want to do something about that.
Cowboys at Giants-
So do you think Drew and Keyshawn have a package deal with Satan or did they negotiate seperately?
Packers at Bears-
I can't decide what's more overrated, The Dave Matthews Band or the Bears' defense. There seems to be a "space between" perception & reality here.
Texans at Ravens-
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Jaguars at Browns-
I'll go out on a limb here and say the Jaguars win a squeaker.
Seriously, they're 8-3 and their eight wins are by a combined total of what, five points? Is that even possible?
Vikings at Lions-
I'm telling you, if Mariucci would've booked an orgy at sea, his team wouldn't have quit on him, he'd still be employed and the Lions would be making a playoff run right now.
Bucs at Saints-
Speaking of firing coaches, Jim Haslett has officially passed David Shula on the all-time list of Games Coached After Legitimately Derserving to be Fired.
Congratulations Jim, keep up the shitty work.
Titans at Colts-
Jeff Fisher's comfort food? I'm not quite sure but I know he hides it somewhere in that big furry cookie duster.
Cardinals at Niners-
Redskins at Rams-
You're telling me that the Rams new QB is some Irish dude fresh outta Harvard? Sweet. He's like the Good Will Hunting of the NFL. "Hey Bulger, you like apples? Well I'm starting this weekend, how 'bout them apples?"
Broncos at Chiefs-
Watch for the chop blocks, Watch For The Chop Blocks.....FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WATCH FOR THE CHOP BLOCKS!!!!!
Jets at Patriots-
J-E-T-S, Suck, Suck, Suck!!!
Raiders at Chargers-
If a big, fat, over-the-hill defensive tackle goes down for the season but no one really cares, will he still make a sound byte?
(Monday Night) Seahawks at Eagles-
Over/Under on the number of times Michaels & Madden mention T.O and Donnie Mac even though they won't be playing in this one: 73
Navy at Army-
UCLA at USC-
Nov 21, 2005
Remembering that this Thursday is Thanksgiving, I got curious as to what some of my friends, co-workers, acquaintences, and others (including one guy who was begging for change on an off-ramp) are thankful for. The results, randomly listed below, with no names attached to protect the not-so-innocent, range from heartwarming to puzzling to startling to, well, to downright creepy. Here, have a look.........
"That my car runs now"
"That my daughter dumped her idiot boyfriend last week"
"Gas prices going down"
"The burgeoning career of Jake Gyllenhall"
"That my probation officer is on vacation this week"
"The Bengals having a good season"
"Statutes of limitations"
"Twinkies and Ho-Hos"
"The collective works of The Who"
"Pam Anderson's new show"
"Our vacation home in Florida"
"Love, in all its' forms in this dimension and all others"
"A good wine"
"Being able to retire early"
"That my wife let me buy a new motorcycle"
"Deep fried turkey"
"Quiet moments at home"
"The new Harry Potter movie"
"The ability to ejaculate"
"The NFL Network"
"The smell of punanny"
.....and I'm simply thankful that I asked. On with the Matchups.....
(Thursday) Falcons at Lions-
Aaah, Thanksgiving in Detroit. What a tradition. Who wants to go to grandma's house when you can drive through bullet-riddled, litter-infested, downtown Detroit to watch your beloved Lions get their sphincters reamed by yet another more talented team? F-you grandma, I'm headed to the game!
(Thursday) Broncos at Cowboys-
If Parcells had Shannahan's choppers, just imagine the kind of damage he could do to a freshly basted turkey.
(Saturday) Georgia at Georgia Tech-
Patriots at Chiefs-
Early Americans versus indians.....on Thanksgiving weekend.....Brilliant!
Chargers at Redskins-
Charging at indians and referring to them with a derogatory term.....on Thanksgiving weekend.....Brilliant!
Niners at Titans-
The Tryptofan Game of the Week!
Seriously, this matchup could quickly put even the most hardcore methamphetamine addict into a deep coma.
Ravens at Bengals-
Nice to see that Jamal Lewis is still toting the pig like he has a jiblet bag stuck in his ass. Good times.
Panthers at Bills-
For those of you who have seen Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.....shouldn't it be a slam dunk no-brainer for the Panthers to change the name of their cheerleading squad from the Top Cats to the Sex Panthers? Seriously, who's in charge over there?
Bears at Bucs-
Winner of this one officially becomes the "Where in the Holy Hell Did They Come From" team of the year.
Browns at Vikings-
A win here and the Vikings will be 4-1 since their infamous orgy at sea. Coincidence? I don't know, but other mediocre teams like the Lions, Rams, and Bills may want to look into booking a cruise.
Rams at Texans-
Hey,is that David Carr or a lifeless CPR dummy? Hard to tell, my friend, hard to tell.
Jaguars at Cards-
When you think about it, the Jaguars are a lot like Mama Squintz- it may be ugly, and it may get quite messy but they do just enough to get the job done.
Dolphins at Raiders-
After the game, please join Ricky Williams for a traditional Thansgiving Day feast- two turkey subs from Quiznos, a heaping helping of hash potatoes, some delicious chicken pot pie, and weed......lots & lots of weed.
Packers at Eagles-
Last week, Eagles backup quarterback Mike McMahon looked a lot like the old Brett Favre. Meanwhile, Brett Favre looked a lot like the old Mike McMahon. Hmmm. Anyone ever seen the movie Freaky Friday? Speaking of which, has any woman in the history of women made a bigger slide on the Looks Continuum than Jamie Lee Curtis?
Giants at Seahawks-
Happy Tiki Day! (sorry)
Saints at Jets-
Seriously, what's the F-ing point here?
(Monday Night) Steelers at Colts-
You know what I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving? Tommy Maddox. God bless you, Tommy Maddox.
Nov 16, 2005
No mindless ramblings from me this week. Sorry fellas, there's a first time for everything. There was a show about "nothing" once. If I remember right, it did pretty well.
Ohio State at Michigan-
New Mexico State at San Jose State-
Cardinals at Rams-
Panthers at Bears-
Lions at Cowboys-
Jaguars at Titans-
Dolphins at Browns-
Saints at Patriots-
Raiders at Redskins-
Eagles at Giants-
Steelers at Ravens-
Bucs at Falcons-
Seahawks at Niners-
Bills at Chargers-
Colts at Bengals-
Jets at Broncos-
Chiefs at Texans-
(Monday Night) Vikings at Packers-
Nov 10, 2005
Well, the 2005 NFL season has official hit the halfway point. And you know what that means. Yep, it means there’s another half still to go. If the second half is anything like the first, it could go down as quite possibly the most entertaining season in NFL history. We’ve had a team orgy on a yacht, Panther cheerleaders rubbing each others’ tacos in a bathroom stall, the return of Vinny Testicleverde, the return of Rasta Ricky, the demise of the Patriot Dynasty, Neil F-ing Wackers going 26 for 26 on field goal attempts, Mark Brunell and Jake Plummer consummating deals with the devil, the mysterious infections of Mike Martz and Braylon Edwards, the first-place Bengals, the first-place Bears, the last-place Eagles, the Baton Rouge Saints, the San Antonio Saints, the sad ending to Brett Favre’s career, the fan who stole the ball out of Favre’s hands in Cincinnati, the emergence of Carson Palmer and Eli Manning, the ’05 Bears defense being better than the ’85 Bears defense, the Burger King in-action commercials, the comeback of Tedy Bruschi, and, of course, the quick & decisive public castration of Terrell Owens by the Philadelphia Eagles.
What in the hell could we be in store for in weeks ten through seventeen? A player coming out of the closet? The return of Bernie Kosar? Cheerleaders having sex on tape with livestock? Mike Tice and Denny Green getting contract extensions?….One can only hope. What I do know is this: the Colts are the front-runners to win Super Bowl XL and the Texans are the front-runners to win the Matt Leinart Sweepstakes. Most everything else seems to be like Mama Squintz ass after 2am……..up for grabs and up in the air.
But here are some things I think I know about Week 10………
Cardinals at Lions-
Joey Harrington’s rookie card will not be increasing in value anytime soon.
Ravens at Jaguars-
Brian Billick will not be this year’s NFL Coach of the Year, but he is still in the running for the FedEx Fuckface Whiny Bitch of the Year Award. Good luck Coach.
Texans at Colts-
This is a classic trap game. The Colts are coming off of an emotional Monday Nighter in New England, they have a short week to prepare, the Texans are coming off two straight strong performances, Domanick Davis is beginn………..Shit, I almost got through that with a straight face.
Chiefs at Bills-
This is Dick Vermeil’s last season. Hey, what a coincidence, I think it’s Mike Mularkey’s last season, too.
Vikings at Giants-
The Vikings are easily the worst road act this side of Ashlee Simpson.
Patriots at Dolphins-
The Pats have the second-lowest rated defense in the league. Maybe Tom Brady should get them one of those Visa cards with the five layers of protection. Or maybe the personnel director should stop signing has-beens like Chad Brown and Duane Starks.
Niners at Bears-
I know, Earl knows, and now so do the Niners.... that karma thing can be a real bitch.
Broncos at Oakland-
Forget Carmen San Diego and Matt Lauer, where in the hell is Randy Moss? And while I’m thinking of skinny black guys, has anyone found Dave Chappelle yet? Let’s start checking under sewer grates and floor vents.
Jets at Panthers-
If Dave Chappelle were here, I think he’d agree with me in saying, “The Panthers are some sneaky bitches, ain’t they? Six and two and gettin’ no press. They’re some real stealthy motherfuckers. And I’ll admit it, if a couple of their cheerleaders hadn’t just got caught flickin’ each other’s beans in a public bathroom, I still wouldn’t have known they were 6-2 right now………I’m just interested in the freaky bitches…….FREAKY!!!!”
Packers at Falcons-
“As winner of our weekly business card drawing, Stanley Chamkowski of Eau Claire, Wisconsin will be Brett Favre’s go-to receiver this Sunday against the Falcons. Stanley will also receive four free oil changes from Big Tom’s Oil Lube. Big Tom’s, serving eastern Wisconsin since 1973 with twelve convenient locations, including the newest Big Tom’s right next to Hilda’s Hotcake Heaven on State Route 129 just north of the Rollie Fingers Mustache Museum.”
Rams at Seahawks-
It’s not just me……..Shawn Alexander looks like Wayne Brady on steroids, right?
Redskins at Bucs-
It’s official; Chris Simms will never be as good a quarterback as his father. Furthermore, he may also never be as good a quarterback as his mother.
Browns at Steelers-
Man, that Polamalu's got a lot of hair. I haven't seen that much hair in one place since Mama Squintz wore her backless red dress to the club a few weeks ago.
(Monday Night) Cowboys at Eagles-
T.O. will be watching this one from home……..Lying in bed with Mama McNabb, drinkin' sweet tea and suckin’ on some neckbones!
LSU at Alabama-
Florida at South Carolina-
Nov 2, 2005
I think it’s safe to say that when you spend an afternoon tossing five interceptions and getting the ball stolen from you by a drunken fan, it’s time to call it a career. Sure, two of the interceptions were deflected and the fan was super-stealthy, but goddammit that’s a bad fucking day, ain’t it? Now don’t get me wrong, I love Brett Favre. You’ll have to search long and hard to find a tougher, more fearless, more competitive quarterback than number four. Two hundred twelve straight starts and counting, playing through broken bones, sprains, strains, the death of his father…..and not only playing but (until recently) playing very well. He's always shown a great love for the game & played it with the exhuberance of a ten-year old boy letting it loose on the playground. He's been a model citizen, a good teammate, and maybe most importantly, he's been entertaining and refreshingly honest. But now, honestly, the Packers sit at 1-6 and Captain Farve is at the helm of a ship that is quickly circling the drain. Now, it’s not all Favre’s fault. In fact, most of it’s not his fault. He’s without two of his top three receivers, his top two running backs, the offensive line is a disaster, and their best defensive back seems to have stolen Milli Vanilli's hair. This is certainly not a good way for a player like Brett Favre to go out. I want to remember him as the scrambling, gun-slinging, comeback master who brought that hopeless, godforsaken northern Wisconsin town back from the dead. Not as the limping, gasping for air, interception machine he was last week. When he was good, he was real good- like an out-of-control VW bug spinning on a frozen road, somehow never getting stuck in the snow. Now, he's like the VW Thing (the vehicle that was supposed to be able to float but actually took on water like the SS Minnow), barely keeping his head above water and looking silly in the process.
Quick sidebar here: Why in the hell didn't Volkswagen ever hire Favre to do commercials for them? Favre. Farfegnugen. I cannot be the only one to have thought of this, right?
Anyway, I guess it really doesn't matter what I want to see, or what I don't want to see. If Favre wants to play, you gotta let him play. Let him go out like half of the Regulators in Young Guns when they tried to fight their way out of Alex' calvary-surrounded burning house. Maybe Favre wants to end it in a blaze of glory (sorry). Maybe he's in the huddle, surrounded by hasbeens and neverbeens and saying, "I like these odds". And if he is, well, good for him. (Warning: another Young Guns reference coming up in three seconds) He spent many a Sunday bating cornerbacks with a pump fake that whispered "I'll make ya' famous", so I reckon he deserves to write his own ending.
Some people say the Packers first rounder & QB of the future, Aaron Rodgers, should be in there getting some experience. That may be true, but given the circumstance, Aaron Rodgers can wait. I don't care if the Packers go 2-14, I just want one more improbable, impossible, unbelieveable fourth quarter rally in Lambeau, led by good ol' number four before the curtain falls on the '05 season and his career. And if possible, I'd really like for it to be this Sunday against the Steelers. And if possible, I'd also like Milli Vanilli to break Hines Ward's fibula. Or tibula. Or tibia. Whatever. Whichever takes longer to heal. And if it happens, (regional coverage permitting) I'll be watching it live. And if you happen to be watching too, and you happen to get a tear in your eye as Farve leaves the field with his fist in the air, his cold breath visible in the crisp autumn air, heartfelt cheers from adoring fans raining down upon him, well, you can be sure that I too will have a tear or two running down my cheek. Not so much for Favre as it will be from laughing at the misfortune of the Steelers, but still, some tears will be shed.
So keep strapping it on, Brett Fav-ruh. Keep your chin up, your passes down, your spirals tight, and your forward laterals, uh, not so forward. Patrol that frozen tundra like you own it. Go out like you came in- taking risks, throwing from all angles, and running like hell. And no matter what happens, just remember, Terry Bradshaw's job on Fox NFL Sunday is yours for the taking.
Wisconsin at Penn State-
After all that, could I really leave Wisconsin off of the slate this week? Seriously.
Miami FL at Virginia Tech-
VT is #3 in the nation behind USC and Texas. Great. That's a lot like being that dark-haired chick on Baywatch. Sure, she was pretty hot, but did anyone fucking notice?
Falcons at Dolphins-
Here's my part of a conversation with a co-worker recently: "No, seriously, Gus Frerotte is still in the NFL..... I swear to you..... He's starting for the Dolphins..... Why would I lie.... Look it up..... No, I'm not fucking with you."
Panthers at Bucs-
Two words: Chris. Simms.
Seven more words: Give me fifty dollars on the Panthers.
Bengals at Ravens-
No Ray Lewis. No Ed Reed. And most importantly (for the Ravens) no Kyle Boller.
Lions at Vikings-
Jeff Garcia. Brad Johnson. The Lions versus the Vikings, this Sunday on FOX!
Texans at Jaguars-
Over/Under on how many times the Jags will sack David Carr: 6.......in the first quarter.
Raiders at Chiefs-
Is it just me, or has no one else seen any coverage of the Raiders this season? It's almost like they moved back to LA and no one followed. How the hell are they doing? I mean, they do have Moss, Sapp, Janikowski, Woodson, and Kerry Collins, right? There's got to be a story about drugs, booze, criminal behavior, or some sexual deviance over at Mama Squintz' house, right? Whaddya say we gets a camera or two over there before we miss something.
Chargers at Jets-
J!E!T!S! SUCK, SUCK, SUCK!!!
Titans at Browns-
Also known as, The Don Criqui Game of the Week
Bears at Saints (in Baton Rouge)-
Word has it that the good people of Baton Rouge are quietly praying to be hit by a level four hurricane just so the Saints will have to leave.
(Yes, I know,....Hell, straight to hell. Fine.)
Giants at Niners-
Tim Rattay, Alex Smith, Ken Dorsey, now Jessie Palmer........Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha, ....Karma baby, karma!
Seahawks at Cardinals-
Hey, look who's on the hot seat boys & girls......it's Denny Green! Hi, Denny!
Steelers at Packers-
Again, tibula, fibula, whichever takes longer to heal.
(F-you Hines Ward, you little gooky-spooky)
Eagles at Redskins-
Word has it that Mark Brunell is seriously pissed off at Satan. His agent claims that Satan renegged on his deal last week & now Brunell is seeking restitution. Satan camp claims that Brunell's October payment was late, thereby voiding the contract. My sources tell me to expect both sides to settle their differences by gametime on Sunday.
(Monday Night) Colts at Patriots-
Al Michaels, John Madden, step right up and be the next crew to suck Tedy Bruschi's dick for him. And feel free to show his freakishly pale wife another 472 times during the game.
Oct 26, 2005
I’ve been writing this weekly Matchup deal for over three years now and this week marks the first time that I sit here with absolutely no idea what to write about. Okay, that’s a lie. Every week, I sit here without a clue, but only for a minute or two and then something comes to me. But tonight…….nothin’. Nada. Zip. I’m not sure why that is. I guess I just haven’t been inspired by anything. Or maybe I’m just tired from working too much. Maybe it’s that Mama Squintz hasn’t been returning any of my calls. I don’t really know.
I do know that inspiration’s a funny thing. It can come from something as simple as a wink from a pretty girl, or a baby’s smile, or a beautiful sunset, or a nice, thick wad of cash, or even a large bag of marijuana with a side order of Cheetos. But I think that whatever it is, you have to be open to the inspiration for it to have any effect on you. It’s kinda like how they say “only those who are willing to be hypnotized can be hypnotized”. Maybe I’m just not in the right state of mind to be inspired right now. That can happen, right? I hear that Billy Joel, one of the great songwriters of the last forty years, hasn’t been able to write any music since 9-11. Once the funniest man on the planet, Eddie Murphy, hasn’t made anyone laugh since he got filthy rich and stopped being filthy funny. Even arguably the greatest golfer ever, Tiger Woods, hasn’t played a truly inspired round since he started plunking his putter into that Swedish girl’s yodel hole. And if it can happen to those kind of talents, it can surely happen to shmoes like us, right?
It can also happen to football teams. Losing your collective inspiration, your “fire”, is always a guaranteed one-way ticket to a losing season. Hell, why do you think coaches are so big on pre-game, halftime, and post-game speeches? They don’t want that fire to burn out. Neither do the players (Well, unless you’re Ron Mexico. In that case, you want anything that will stop the burning). That’s why you see fuck farmers like Ray Lewis yipping and yapping constantly. He’s simply trying to inspire his fellow inmates through the subtle art of barking like a crazed felon carrying a six-inch shank and a burdensome coke habit. And you know what? It usually works. Some players find inspiration from the remarks of their opponents. You don’t think Terell Owens inspires some people? What about Chad Johnson? You’re damn right, they do. Some players find their inspiration from God, some find it from within, and some players who reside in the Minneapolis-St.Paul area find it on a yacht full of high-priced whores. (By the way, who knew you could even find a high-priced whore in Minnesota? Seriously.)
Anyway, the point is, inspiration comes in all shapes, sizes, and prison sentences. The way I see it, you’ve just got to find what inspires you and stick with it while it lasts. I’m currently looking for a new form of inspiration, or two. Until I can find one, I’ll just do it for you twelve idiots. And for the hell of it. Yep, for you twelve idiots and the hell of it. Oh, and also for my cousin Joe who logs in sometimes. You twelve idiots, the hell of it, and my cousin Joe………And maybe also for the excuse to look pick out the Cheerleaders of the Week….And maybe also as a quick diversion from work. Okay, I’ll keep doing it for you twelve idiots, the hell of it, my cousin Joe, the cheerleaders, and to avoid work. And maybe also for the sexual favors I get from Mama Squintz……Let’s see, so I’m doing it for you twelve idiots, the hell of it, Joe, cheerleaders, to avoid work, and two-fisted hummers from Mama S. Okay. So, that’s a pretty good list. If one of you could find your way to sending me a case of Bud Select and a can of honey-roasted peanuts, that, along with the other crap should keep me going through at least Week 12. And now that I’m semi pumped-up, here are the Week 8 Matchups......
Georgia at Florida-
For a while now, this has been billed as The World's Largest Cocktail Party. Strange, considering I don't think anyone down South would ever be caught dead at an actual cocktail party. The World's Largest Cocktail Party should be between teams like Connecticut and Boston College, right? This beer & barbecue blowout should be called something more appropriate, like The World's Largest Hillbilly Hooch Festival or The Moonshine Mixer, or, my personal favorite, Rednecks Gone Wild .
Oklahoma at Nebraska-
When was the last time these two proud programs were both out of the Top 25 at the same time? Uh, yesterday.
The Sooners. The Huskers. The Battle for middle of the pack in the Big 12, this Saturday, only on ABC!
Cardinals at Cowboys-
So let me get this straight- the real Drew Bledsoe finally stood up last week and the kicker gets the ax? I sure hope for the punter's sake that Drew doesn't throw any more ill-timed picks this week.
Bears at Lions-
Winner of this one will sit atop the NFC Central........and still suck.
Browns at Texans-
Am I wrong, or does the expression "now or never" come to mind for the Texans here? If they lose at home to the Browns, I say we fly in the Rice Owls for an exhibition game, you know, just for shits & giggles.
Packers at Bengals-
Who Dey! Who Dey! Who Dey think just exposed dem Bengals?!
I've got just three words to say about last week. Fuck. Me. Sideways.
Hey, but the good news is that Brett Fav-ruh comes to town with just one healthy receiver, no halfback, and a real nasty painkiller hangover.
Jaguars at Rams-
Uh, not to alarm anyone, but do you think someone should put Marshall Faulk's face on a milk carton soon?
Vikings at Panthers-
The Mike Tice Farewell Tour with special guest The Nordic Orgy Yacht Club is rolling into Carolina this weekend. Get your tickets now at any Ticketmaster location!
Raiders at Titans-
If it wasn't for the Texans-Browns extravaganza this would have Don Criqui's name written all over it.
Redskins at Giants-
I finally got the terms of Mark Brunell's deal with the devil. Brunell gets two more solid seasons in return for his youngest child, his second-born male grandchild, and, of course, his soul.
Chiefs at Chargers-
Poor Marty. He's got one of the top three or four teams in the AFC but is staring at a 3-4 record. He must feel like dog crap. Geez, just imagine how much worse he'd feel if he knew that his daughter got nailed by my old college roommate.
(Nope, still not tired of that one.)
Dolphins at Saints (in Baton Rouge)-
Ricky Williams goes home!
I wonder if his dealer relocated to Baton Rouge, too.
Eagles at Broncos-
Did you happen to catch T.O.'s latest egotistical touchdown moment? Wow, acting like a waiter- what a stretch! Who knew he had such range as an actor/entertainer? What's next, a diving catch followed by two minutes miming the final scene of My Dinner With Andre?
Bucs at Niners-
The Bucs are coming off of a bye week to face the hapless (yes, I'm grinning) Niners. Two weeks to prepare for the Niners? Isn't that like having two weeks to prepare for the GED? Hang on, let me go ask Mama Squintz.
Bills at Patriots-
Teddy Bruschi's back. Good for him. Probably the feel-good story of the season. Um, would it be at all inappropriate for the scoreboard operator to play a couple bars of Billy Squire's "The Stroke" when Teddy makes his first tackle? Okay, okay, just asking.
(Monday Night) Ravens at Steelers-
Over/Under on the number of times I wish death or dismemberment upon Hines Ward, Jerome Bettis, Ray Lewis, and Brian Billick combined during this one: 375.
Over/Under on the number of times I envision John Madden in a two-piece red mesh swimsuit: 4
Over/Under on the number of times I envision Michelle Tafoya in a two-piece red mesh swimsuit during this game: 2
Oct 20, 2005
You know when you get a phone call and you hang up wondering what the hell just happened? Well, I got one of those phone calls from Johnny Utah a couple days ago. It seems all he really wanted to tell me was that he figured out that if their was a Smurf who just so happened to be a whore, then the slang term for that would be a “Smore”. Johnny thought this was especially funny ‘cause that’s also the slang term for those graham cracker-chocolate-marshmallow deals you make when you’re out camping, so he’d come up with a slang term with a double-meaning. Rare? Yes. Funny? Maybe. Really funny? Not so much. But Johnny thought is was really funny and maybe he’s right. Or maybe he’d just got done huffing some paint thinner and got caught up reliving his childhood crush on Smurfette. Hard to tell. But it got me to thinking…..
Words can be pretty funny sometimes. Especially when they’re used improperly or out of context. Like when someone says they’re nauseous when what they really mean to say is that they feel nauseated. Or when someone asks you if they can axe you a question. Or when someone expecially wants to talk about all nucular weapons they supposably found last Febuary or the omnipotent rights of the Klu Klux Klan to march down past the liberry. That shit is funny. Just be careful not to fall into those traps. Use the spellcheck thingy. Don’t give people the chance to ridicule you. After all, it’s a doggy dog world out there, right? You think the people up in Harvard and Yale go around talking like that? Nope. They speak respectably and say things like “Hey, try not to pahk yah cah next to da library tomarrah. The Klan would be wicked pissed at’cha.” Classy shit.
Anyway, what the fuck was I talking about?……….Words. Yeah, they can be funny. And maybe Johnny was onto something with his whole double-meaning slang thing. I mean, “Smore” seems like a perfectly good term for a Smurf whore. And just because the campground treat came first shouldn’t keep any little, blue sluts from using it, too. Maybe there’s more words like that, words just waiting for another meaning to help revive their careers. Kinda like Travolta right before he got the call from Tarantino to be in Pulp Fiction. Whaddya say we grab some paint thinner and try a few? Here goes........
Slurpie= a slut with herpes
Ripples = a rigid set of nipples
Matchups= Matt's Easy Cheese-Flavored Hiccups
That was fun. Let me know if any of you deviants can come up with some more.
And speaking of matchups.........
Princeton at Harvard-
Over/Under on the number of Muffy's, Buffy's and Kitten's in the crowd: 472
Brown at Cornell-
I've said it before and I'll say it again....this makes about as much sense as a Miami, FL vs Florida State chessmatch.
Lions at Browns-
Garcia or Harrington?.....Garcia or Harrington??.......Garcia or Harrington??? Poor Mariucci. This is like trying to decide whether to have the shit sandwich on rye or the booger sandwich on wheat for lunch. Both smell bad to ya, and you know they're both going to leave a terrible taste in your mouth when all's said & done.
Packers at Vikings-
So now that Culpepper's name has been linked to the Nordic Sex Cruise Scandal, can we maybe get his "Teachers are great. Without them, I wouldn't be the person I am today...." commercial off of the NFL Network?
Colts at Texans-
What’s the scientific term for a 16-0 team crossing the path of an 0-16 team? An “anal flogging”? That’s right, thanks.
Chiefs at Dolphins-
Glad to see the Fins got AJ Feeley out of the way so that the Gus Frerotte Era could continue on and flourish without any interruption.
Saints at Rams-
No Deuce, no Bulger, no Coach Doubtfire….No real reason to what this crapfest.
Steelers at Bengals-
I have looked it up and I've found the answer to a question that's been burning a hole in my brain for some time now.......According to the official Scrabble website, Houshmanzedeh is worth 34 points and Roethlisberger is worth a paltry 20.
Chargers at Eagles-
Isn't it about time for T.O. to start griping about something? The silence is eerie, isn't it? Makes you wonder if he's hiding outside in the bushes wearing a goalie mask and carrying a large cleaver.
Niners at Redskins-
According to my calculations, the wheels should start falling off the Skins wagon right about....(the Niners are in town?).......uh, in about nine days.
Cowboys at Seahawks-
Last week, I realized that Hasselbeck is the nephew of a guy I graduated with from grade school. When did I become such an old fucking bastard?
Ravens at Bears-
I've got $50 on this being the first 0-0 NFL contest in modern history.
Bills at Raiders-
No Moss, no chance. Hmmmm....what's that I hear? It's a parade! The Norv Turner Farewell Tour is getting assembled!
Broncos at Giants-
Will the real Jake Plummer please stand up (and throw four interceptions). Thank you.
Titans at Cardinals-
I'm guessing Don Criqui and Steve Tasker are doing this one.
(Monday Night) Jets at Falcons-
J!-E!-T!-S! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!
Oct 13, 2005
Anybody else seen an episode of this show called Breaking Bonaduce? This is the show about that fat little redheaded Partridge Family kid who’s now all grown up and, well, completely fucking insane. Seriously. Dude is the most intense whack-job I have ever seen, heard about, or could possibly imagine. He’s a ‘roid-raging, bi-polar, mean-ass drunk with an overblown, under-fed ego and a full-blown Napoleon Complex to boot. It’s like watching some sort of illegitimate spawn of Robert Blake and the Heat Meiser. He’s certainly come a long way from faking it on a drum set and singing backup to “Come on, Get Happy.”
Bonaduce threatens to cripple people. He threatens to “end” people. He threatens to sue people. He threatens to kill himself. He named his kids Countess Isabella and Count Dante. It’s disturbing. It’s alarming. It’s perplexing. And, yes, it’s kinda funny. Kinda funny ‘cause he sometimes goes so over-the-top with his braggadocio that you suddenly realize that despite being portrayed as a short, ugly, hairy, walking time bomb, Bonaduce likes, no, LOVES the attention. And think about it; anytime it becomes apparent that somebody who downplays being in the spotlight actually needs the spotlight, it’s funny. Real funny.
Now don’t get me wrong, although funny, it wouldn’t be so funny if he lived in my world. Okay, it’d still be kinda funny, but it’d also be a colossal pain in the ass. And that’s what has me confused. After getting over the initial shock of the depths of his dysfunction, I found myself wondering more about the people around him- his wife, his friends, his co-workers- than about Bonaduce himself. At one point I started yelling at the screen like a black guy in the cinema during a horror movie. RUN! RUN! GET DA FUCK OUTTA DA HOUSE!! THAT CRAZY MUTHAFUCKA’S COMIN’!!!
Yep, because they linger around, his wife and friends are just as nuts as he is- probably worse. At least he has addictions and chemical imbalances to blame. Their only excuse is that they are inexplicably drawn to being part of a train wreck. Hell, even those crazy-ass storm chasers keep a little distance from tornados. These klondikes walk right back into the eye of that redheaded twister every day. (Yawwwwwwn & stretch) Hey, maybe today will be a better-------AAAAAARGHHH!!!!!!!! ….Fuck, didn’t see that coming. ...Again.
So how and why is this relevant? Uh, it’s probably not. But it does show that everybody’s got somebody. And everybody can make life a living hell for those somebodies. But those somebodies have a choice. Just like referee Mike Carey said to Terrell Suggs last week, Mrs. ‘Duce should tell Danny, “You’re outta here.” And she should probably say it over the phone, from across the globe, after having been careful to leave no possible way of being tracked. Then maybe we can get Danny to listen to his shrink, kick the bottle, throw away the ‘roids needles, and morph back into something more closely resembling a human being.
That’d be good.
(Oh, and if you think Bonaduce is nuts, what do you call a guy who worships the "teachings of the Partridge Family"? Call him Adam- http://www.partridgefamilytemple.com/ )
Anyway, I say we clean up all of the headcase pseudo-celebs. Bonaduce, Whitney Houston, Kelly Osborne, Omarosa, Gary Busey, …….. Get ‘em all, as motivational speaker Matt Foley would say, “Back on the right track.” Then, cast them all in a special Celebrity Big Brother series. Yep, drop ‘em all in that house like experimental gerbils at a lipstick factory. Watch ‘em run on the sanity wheel until they loose footing and fall back down to Crazy Town. Vegas would have to give odds like “First Celebrity Big Brother Castmember to Set Themselves on Fire” and give an over/under on “The Number of Times A Felony Will be Committed After Dark in the House”. Speaking of odds, it’s getting late, I’m waaaaay off on a tangent, and the Matchups are waiting. Let’s go…….
USC at Notre Dame-
Seriously, how long before they start printing “Weis Guys” t-shirts in South Bend?
Florida at LSU-
Quick, what's the name of LSU's new head coach.
A) Les Paul
B) Les Nessman
C) Les Miles
D) L. Les Ewe
Falcons at Saints (in San Antonio)-
Ron Mexico still questionable with a strained knee and an infected unit.
Our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week is also questionable with a strange nipple infection.
Panthers at Lions-
The Panthers have three tailbacks. All three are either listed as “questionable” or “doubtful” for Sunday. But please, don’t let that sway your pick.
Bengals at Titans-
Kevin Kaesvaharn’s making a strong bid for induction into the Arm-Tackling Hall of Fame.
Browns at Ravens-
Brian Billick may want to consider slipping some mild sedatives into the Gatorade. After first getting permission from the Warden, of course.
Jaguars at Steelers-
Two words: Charlie. Batch.
Dolphins at Bucs-
Two more words: Ricky. Toking. Williams.
Vikings at Bears-
Two more words: Kyle. Orton. Sucks.
Is anyone really surprised here? He got benched last year at Purdue. Helloooooo.
Giants at Cowboys-
Winner of this one officially becomes the “Where the Fuck Did they Come From?” Team of 2005.
Redskins at Chiefs-
Speaking of “where the fuck did they come from?”, I get the feeling the Redskins are getting set to “go the fuck back”.
Patriots at Broncos-
Hey Jake Plummer, nice ‘stache. Always good to look like the bass player from .38 Special.
Jets at Bills-
Testaverde. Holcombe. This Sunday on CBS!
Chargers at Raiders-
Moss, Sapp, Collins, Janikowski………Fifty bucks says Bonaduce is a Raiders fan.
Texans at Seahawks-
The Dom Capers Farewell Tour hits Seattle!
(Monday Night) Rams at Colts-
Coach Doubtfire is out with a viral infection, or something. Well, that's it, now I’m not watching.
Oct 4, 2005
So I’m watching tv last night and I see another one of those commercials with the Miller Lite referees whistling people for drinking beers that allegedly have “less taste” than Miller Lite. It got me to thinking. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could drop a yellow flag on people we saw doing stupid shit? I mean, there are a lot of stupid people on this big revolving ball of gas, doing a lot of stupid things all the time. Let me give you some examples and let’s start with the lady I saw pushing a stroller down Pleasant Ave. on Monday. She had a little girl asleep in the stroller, not strapped in, sliding out of the front of the stroller, feet dragging on the concrete. Nice parental awareness. That stupid broad needed to be whistled, flagged, and hit with an Unmotherlike Conduct penalty. Just run up, whistle blaring, and pelt her in the side of the head with a yellow hanky. Then there was the fella yesterday at Lowe’s who had on his Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts, black dress shoes, and black dress socks PULLED ALL THE WAY UP TO HIS KNEES. Tweeeeet! Clearly a violation of the league’s uniform policy and deserving of a hefty fine. Oh, and how about the cracksmoker I saw at Burger King? This dillhole must’ve pumped on the obviously-empty ketchup dispenser at least 25 times before finally realizing that no red, tomotoey goodness was ever going to come out. Tweeeeet! That’s ten yards for Unnecessary Roughness on the stainless steel ketchup thingy. Repeat first down, fuckface.
That's just a small sampling from the last two days of my life. And I’m sure all of you could come up with just as many infractions to report as well. Things that make you just want to go “Jeff Tripplett on Orlando Brown” and whiz that weighted yellow flag right into somebody’s orbital socket. This would not only be therapeutic for the non-ignorant members of our society, but would also serve as much-needed deterrents against the stupidity of dumb fuckers everywhere. And let’s not kid ourselves- there are a LOT of dumb fuckers around. Don't believe me? Okay then, how do you explain Hee Haw being on the air for almost twenty years? Stupid southerners. What about the successes of Ashlee Simpson and Ryan Cabrera? Stupid kids. The popularity of The View? Stupid pent-up housewives. The need for warning labels on bottles of lemon-flavored dishwashing liquid? Stupid bachelors. The re-hiring of Norv Turner as an NFL head coach? Stupid Al Davis.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
Stupidity knows no bounds. Not gender, not race, not creed, not age...... No class of people anywhere is safe from being in very close proximity to mind-boggling stupidity at all times. Yep, there are a lot of stupid people. Some of these people are born stupid. Some gradually get stupid. Some find stupidity in a bottle of Jack Daniels. Me, I found stupidity while develpoing unhealthy addictions to sports, pop culture, the appearance of my lawn, and underage midget-on-midget porn.
Where did you find your stupidity? Well, you had to find it somewhere, 'cause I hate to break it to you but..... we're all stupid. Yes, even you Bill Gates. You too, Alan Greenspan. Even you, Pauly Shore. Sure, some are more stupid than others and virtually nobody is stupid all the time (at least not outside of West Virginia). The key is to know when you're being stupid and to quickly put a stop to it. That's precisely why I propose Stupidity Refs. Guys paid to follow us around, constantly assessing and closely monitoring our actions, signalling first downs, touchdowns, incompletions, as well as (and most importantly) flagging us for our behavioral violations, stopping the clock, and letting us regroup. You don’t think Tom Cruise could’ve used a Stupidity Ref during the first of his series of “look-at-me-I’m-a-whack-job-now” interviews a couple months ago? Or Evander Holyfield after the first of many embarrassing episodes prancing around on Dancing with the Stars? Or Mama Squintz after the first of her tequila-fueled one night stands with assorted ABA players back in the early Seventies? They all certainly would’ve benefited from a quick flag and a re-huddling to set them back on the right course.
Stupidity Refs. We need ‘em.
To see how they might work, let's take the Stupidity Refs for a test run through this week's slate of games. Follow me………
Dolphins at Bills-
Illegal Procedure, impersonating a quarterback; JP Losman. Five yard penalty and loss of starting job.
Patriots at Falcons-
Illegal use of a herpes-infected penis; Ron Mexico. Fifteen yard penalty and loss of feeling in your nuts.
Ravens at Lions-
We have multiple infractions on the play. Personal foul, unnecessary roughness,... Stabbing... on number 51, Ray Lewis. Also, Illegal Shift.....of drugs.....number 31, Jamal Lewis. Both players have been ejected and taken to county prison. First down!
Saints at Packers-
Unsportsmanlike Conduct, ruining Brett Favre's farewell tour; on the entire Packers team and coaching staff. Congratulations, that's ten yard penalty and loss of a hall of famer. Nice work.
Bears at Browns-
Illegal Procedure, both coaches with gay first names; Lovie and Romeo. The penalties offset. Replay the down.
Seahawks at Rams-
Personal Foul, Roughing the buffet table; Mike Holmgren. Fifteen yard penalty and $50 fine for not leaving any gravy for anyone else.
Redskins at Broncos-
There are two infractions on the offense- Too many players in the huddle; Mike Shannahan's teeth. That penalty is declined. Also, an Illegal Chopper Block; also on Mike Shannahan's teeth. That penalty is accepted. Fifteen yards and his bicuspids have been ejected.
Bucs at Jets-
Illegal Procedure.....Over-the-Hill Wop quarterback lined up under Center. Five yard penalty and loss of the rest of your season.
Titans at Texans-
Porno 'stache lined up in the neutral zone. Five yard penalty and loss of dignity.
Colts at Niners-
Intentional Pounding.........of the Niners. No loss of down or distance. Why? 'Cause Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to Hell!, that's why.
Eagles at Cowboys-
Illegal use of a sweet black ass; Mama McNabb. Ten yard penalty and loss of those big ole panites.
Panthers at Cardinals-
Illegal use of a fat black ass; Denny Green. Thirty five yard penalty to get him way far the fuck away from me.
Bengals at Jaguars-
Too many Johnsons on the field; Cincinnati. Five yard penalty and Who Dey, Who Dey, Who Dey think gonna beat dem Bengals?!
(Monday Night) Steelers at Chargers-
Illegal coochie to my old roommate's unit; Marty Schottenheimer's daughter. Ten yard penalty and loss of hymen. (Seriously, that's still not gotten old for me yet.)
Cal at UCLA-
Oregon at Arizona State-
Sep 28, 2005
Saw a new show last night called My name is Earl . Earl has a bit of an epiphany and decides that he’s carrying around a king-sized truckload of bad karma. Earl looks back on his life and tallies up all of his wrongdoings, then vows to make amends for each and every one of them in the hopes that he can get his yin and his yang properly calibrated again. It seems that there are over two hundred of these wrongs on Earl’s list, so the wishful-thinking dye has been cast by the creators for a 8-10 year run for the show. I’m not sure it makes it quite that far but if Earl keeps getting beaten up by near-sighted grandmas wielding fifty-pound bibles, driving cars with “Jesus is my Airbag” bumper stickers and we see more of his ex-girlfriend Jaime Pressly, then there should be some syndication money in their future. And the more I thought about it, the more I like the premise of the show. Not only for Earl, but for everyone. Shouldn’t we all strive to make amends for our sins? Shouldn’t we all ask forgiveness of those we’ve wronged in the past? Shouldn’t we all have memories of banging someone who looks like Jaime Pressly? I say “yes”, “yes”, and “hell yes”. It’s like Joe Dirt said, “Is this where you wanna be when Jesus comes back?” Well sir, I for one would like to be sitting right in the middle of the yin-yang teeter totter with no regrets and no black clouds hovering overhead. Just blue skies, an ice cold MGD, and a Get Into Heaven Free pass hanging around my neck. Do I have some work to do to get there? You're damn right I do. And there's no better place to start than asking forgiveness from the plethora of footballers that I've talked trash about over the years. So, even though I don’t have “the crazy eyes” or a tattoo of Moses parting the Red Sea on my ass (you really needed to see the show for that one), I’m grabbing the divining rod and heading down to direct my moral traffic back onto the highway to righteousness. Just like a pulling guard paving the way to the promised land. Come on, follow me.....
Notre Dame at Purdue-
I may have, at one time (during the Tyrone Willingham Era), said something like “Even God has stopped rooting for Notre Dame at this point.” So I’d like to apologize to God, God’s advisors, the good people of Notre Dame, and, of course, Rudy Ruettiger.
Minnesota at Penn State-
It has been brought to my attention that I once made a remark about Joe Paterno dressing like a “nerdy pedophile”. Well, I’ll admit it….that was just wrong. He actually looks more like Eugene Levy, if he were hit on the head by one of those big Donkey Kong hammers. And that's no crime. A shame, but no crime.
Sorry Joe Pa.
Bills at Saints (in San Antonio)-
This one’s easy. I’d like to ask forgiveness from Takeo Spikes, who I once referred to as being “gap-toothed and triple-dipped”. That was completely out of line. So….I’m sorry. And Takeo, I’m also sorry to hear that you tore up your knee last week……in Buffalo……where you ran off to instead of sticking it out while Marvin Lewis turned things around here in Cincinnati. I’m also sorry that Odell Thurman is playing in stripes, wearing your old number, and making everyone forget all about you. Best of luck with your rehab.
Broncos at Jaguars-
Coach Shannahan, you may have heard that, on occasion, I’ve poked a little fun at your oversized choppers. You probably have a very good reason for not getting a pair that better fits your steakhole, even though you do make a ton of money & could probably afford a nice gold set like Chad Johnson or Flava Flav. But nevertheless, your false teeth are your business, not mine. So, please accept my apologies and this huge husk of corn on the cob as a token of my regret.
Lions at Bucs-
Last year, I jumped all over Lions GM Matt Millen after he made some insensitive anti-gay comments. As it says it the good book, “Let ye who hasn’t gay-bashed cast the first stone at those who have”. Of course I’m paraphrasing, but the point is I shouldn’t have taken the high ground there. So, my apologies to you, Mr. Millen, and I hope to see you in sensitivity class again next Thursday.
Texans at Bengals-
I really can’t think of anyone to apologize to here………Nope, nobody comes to mind……….Who? Mike Brown? …..You know what; maybe this was a bad idea. ‘Cause I’m certainly not ready to……Seriously, I just can’t…….Are you sure this is completely necessary?........(sigh)………………….Oh Christ, okay……I’m sorry.
(I feel dirty now. There had better be lots of free whores and hotcakes in heaven.)
Colts at Titans-
Porno ‘stache or Horse face, porno ‘stache or horse face?
Umm…..I’d like to apologize to Steve McNair for once referring to him as being “Black Irish”.
Chargers at Patriots-
This apology goes out to Kristin Schottenheimer. I’ve devoted a lot of keystrokes to referencing the stroking that took place one late fall evening in Oxford, Ohio between Marty’s daughter and one of my college roommates back in 2001. I’m sure that by now Kristin is busy taking care of a husband, a few kids, and trying to deal with a weight problem and really doesn’t need any of the aggravation I’ve caused. So, I’m very sorry. And as a matter of fact, if I could turn back the clock and steer you away from that one-night romp, the one where you could be heard down the hall squealing and moaning like a wounded groundhog, believe me, I would.
Seahawks at Redskins-
So you’re fat, big deal. You know you’re fat, I know you’re fat, everybody knows you’re fat, and I shouldn’t have rubbed it in. You actually look more like a big cuddly walrus in person. So Coach Holmgren, what I’m trying to say is, “I’m sorry.” I’d be very grateful if you could find it in your heart to forgive me. And if it’s not too forward, could I climb into that big beefy torso and get a hug?
Rams at Giants-
It must be hard having a brother who’s better at what you do than you are. I wouldn’t know, I don’t have a brother, so it probably hasn’t been fair of me to poke fun at you.
And your name isn’t that bad, either. Sure it’s a little different, but it’s unique. Anyway, I’m sorry for any grief I may have caused you. I hope you will accept my most humble apologies and I wish nothing but the best of luck to you and your brother. Please tell Ronde that I said ‘hello’.
(surely you didn't think I was talking about Eli)
Jets at Ravens-
To those good, decent, upstanding Baltimore Ravens team and staff members whom I have lumped in with the criminals on the team over the years, I must sincerely apologize to all three of you.
Cowboys at Raiders-
When I said you looked like “Joan Rivers after a sex change”, I was obviously exaggerating. When I hinted that you routinely scared off the cheerleaders with your “Silly Putty face”, I was simply being childish. And when I mentioned that you had an “unnatural affinity for Troy Aikman’s wiener”, well, that was just supposition, at best. I apologize, Mr. Jones. I actually admire a man who’s concerned with trying to better his appearance and would never want you to hesitate at further cosmetic surgery if you thought it was necessary. As a matter of fact, if I could make a suggestion, you may want to have your ears looked at. And your neck. Maybe see about some hair plugs.
Vikings at Falcons-
So you passed along a sexually transmitted disease to some innocent young lady and then gave her a fake name, big deal. Did I really need to make fun of you for that? Let me answer that- No, no I didn’t. I’m sure it’s not fun to have your penis feel like it’s on fire every time you take a whiz, and my insults surely haven’t eased your pain. In fact, an apology doesn’t really seem good enough in this instance. So, since I’m sure it’s not easy for you to find too many women willing to “hang out” with you at this point, I’d like to offer a solution……I’ve found a woman who already has a raging case of herpes and who also just so happens to have a thing for shifty black guys. Mike, er, I mean Ron Mexico, I’d like you to meet Mama Squintz. Mama Squints, this is my friend Ron Mexico.
Eagles at Chiefs-
Coach Vermeil, please stop crying……I said I was sorry……What? They’re “happy tears”? Oh. Well, does that mean you forgive me? Great, I’m uh, just going to let myself out while you, uh, let it all out. Have a good cry. I’ll call ya.
Niners at Cardinals (in Mexico City)-
Of course I wasn’t serious when I said you were going to “melt like a big fudgesicle” out there in Arizona. I was totally kidding. But it was insensitive, and for that I apologize. What? Uh, well, I’ve got a half-eaten turkey & swiss in the car. Really? So if I give you the rest of the sandwich, you’ll forgive me? I’ll be right back.
(And as for you Niners, I still damn you all to straight hell. Jesus is on my side here, believe me.)
(Monday Night) Packers at Panthers-
And finally......this one goes out to all the Cheeseheads. I now know that not all of you engage in "getting hammered on Old Milwaukee every night." I now realize that not all of you get your rocks off by "tipping cows in the middle of dairy farms after the bars close." And I now realize that not all of your women are "thick-legged and pale-faced with breath that smells like Spam." I was wrong when I said those things and I'm very sorry. Fonzie rules!
Now then, bring on the good karma, bitches! My slate is clear and my conscience is clean. I feel so much lighter. I feel good. I feel fresh. I feel like........like it's time to start all over again. Can't wait til next week.