Nov 10, 2005
Stanley Chamkowski, taco rubbing, suckin' on neckbones and the FedEx Fuckface of the Year
Well, the 2005 NFL season has official hit the halfway point. And you know what that means. Yep, it means there’s another half still to go. If the second half is anything like the first, it could go down as quite possibly the most entertaining season in NFL history. We’ve had a team orgy on a yacht, Panther cheerleaders rubbing each others’ tacos in a bathroom stall, the return of Vinny Testicleverde, the return of Rasta Ricky, the demise of the Patriot Dynasty, Neil F-ing Wackers going 26 for 26 on field goal attempts, Mark Brunell and Jake Plummer consummating deals with the devil, the mysterious infections of Mike Martz and Braylon Edwards, the first-place Bengals, the first-place Bears, the last-place Eagles, the Baton Rouge Saints, the San Antonio Saints, the sad ending to Brett Favre’s career, the fan who stole the ball out of Favre’s hands in Cincinnati, the emergence of Carson Palmer and Eli Manning, the ’05 Bears defense being better than the ’85 Bears defense, the Burger King in-action commercials, the comeback of Tedy Bruschi, and, of course, the quick & decisive public castration of Terrell Owens by the Philadelphia Eagles.
What in the hell could we be in store for in weeks ten through seventeen? A player coming out of the closet? The return of Bernie Kosar? Cheerleaders having sex on tape with livestock? Mike Tice and Denny Green getting contract extensions?….One can only hope. What I do know is this: the Colts are the front-runners to win Super Bowl XL and the Texans are the front-runners to win the Matt Leinart Sweepstakes. Most everything else seems to be like Mama Squintz ass after 2am……..up for grabs and up in the air.
But here are some things I think I know about Week 10………
Cardinals at Lions-
Joey Harrington’s rookie card will not be increasing in value anytime soon.
Ravens at Jaguars-
Brian Billick will not be this year’s NFL Coach of the Year, but he is still in the running for the FedEx Fuckface Whiny Bitch of the Year Award. Good luck Coach.
Texans at Colts-
This is a classic trap game. The Colts are coming off of an emotional Monday Nighter in New England, they have a short week to prepare, the Texans are coming off two straight strong performances, Domanick Davis is beginn………..Shit, I almost got through that with a straight face.
Chiefs at Bills-
This is Dick Vermeil’s last season. Hey, what a coincidence, I think it’s Mike Mularkey’s last season, too.
Vikings at Giants-
The Vikings are easily the worst road act this side of Ashlee Simpson.
Patriots at Dolphins-
The Pats have the second-lowest rated defense in the league. Maybe Tom Brady should get them one of those Visa cards with the five layers of protection. Or maybe the personnel director should stop signing has-beens like Chad Brown and Duane Starks.
Niners at Bears-
I know, Earl knows, and now so do the Niners.... that karma thing can be a real bitch.
Broncos at Oakland-
Forget Carmen San Diego and Matt Lauer, where in the hell is Randy Moss? And while I’m thinking of skinny black guys, has anyone found Dave Chappelle yet? Let’s start checking under sewer grates and floor vents.
Jets at Panthers-
If Dave Chappelle were here, I think he’d agree with me in saying, “The Panthers are some sneaky bitches, ain’t they? Six and two and gettin’ no press. They’re some real stealthy motherfuckers. And I’ll admit it, if a couple of their cheerleaders hadn’t just got caught flickin’ each other’s beans in a public bathroom, I still wouldn’t have known they were 6-2 right now………I’m just interested in the freaky bitches…….FREAKY!!!!”
Packers at Falcons-
“As winner of our weekly business card drawing, Stanley Chamkowski of Eau Claire, Wisconsin will be Brett Favre’s go-to receiver this Sunday against the Falcons. Stanley will also receive four free oil changes from Big Tom’s Oil Lube. Big Tom’s, serving eastern Wisconsin since 1973 with twelve convenient locations, including the newest Big Tom’s right next to Hilda’s Hotcake Heaven on State Route 129 just north of the Rollie Fingers Mustache Museum.”
Rams at Seahawks-
It’s not just me……..Shawn Alexander looks like Wayne Brady on steroids, right?
Redskins at Bucs-
It’s official; Chris Simms will never be as good a quarterback as his father. Furthermore, he may also never be as good a quarterback as his mother.
Browns at Steelers-
Man, that Polamalu's got a lot of hair. I haven't seen that much hair in one place since Mama Squintz wore her backless red dress to the club a few weeks ago.
(Monday Night) Cowboys at Eagles-
T.O. will be watching this one from home……..Lying in bed with Mama McNabb, drinkin' sweet tea and suckin’ on some neckbones!
LSU at Alabama-
Florida at South Carolina-
Posted by Smitty