Farve-fegnugen

I think it’s safe to say that when you spend an afternoon tossing five interceptions and getting the ball stolen from you by a drunken fan, it’s time to call it a career. Sure, two of the interceptions were deflected and the fan was super-stealthy, but goddammit that’s a bad fucking day, ain’t it? Now don’t get me wrong, I love Brett Favre. You’ll have to search long and hard to find a tougher, more fearless, more competitive quarterback than number four. Two hundred twelve straight starts and counting, playing through broken bones, sprains, strains, the death of his father…..and not only playing but (until recently) playing very well. He's always shown a great love for the game & played it with the exhuberance of a ten-year old boy letting it loose on the playground. He's been a model citizen, a good teammate, and maybe most importantly, he's been entertaining and refreshingly honest. But now, honestly, the Packers sit at 1-6 and Captain Farve is at the helm of a ship that is quickly circling the drain. Now, it’s not all Favre’s fault. In fact, most of it’s not his fault. He’s without two of his top three receivers, his top two running backs, the offensive line is a disaster, and their best defensive back seems to have stolen Milli Vanilli's hair. This is certainly not a good way for a player like Brett Favre to go out. I want to remember him as the scrambling, gun-slinging, comeback master who brought that hopeless, godforsaken northern Wisconsin town back from the dead. Not as the limping, gasping for air, interception machine he was last week. When he was good, he was real good- like an out-of-control VW bug spinning on a frozen road, somehow never getting stuck in the snow. Now, he's like the VW Thing (the vehicle that was supposed to be able to float but actually took on water like the SS Minnow), barely keeping his head above water and looking silly in the process.

Quick sidebar here: Why in the hell didn't Volkswagen ever hire Favre to do commercials for them? Favre. Farfegnugen. I cannot be the only one to have thought of this, right?

Anyway, I guess it really doesn't matter what I want to see, or what I don't want to see. If Favre wants to play, you gotta let him play. Let him go out like half of the Regulators in Young Guns when they tried to fight their way out of Alex' calvary-surrounded burning house. Maybe Favre wants to end it in a blaze of glory (sorry). Maybe he's in the huddle, surrounded by hasbeens and neverbeens and saying, "I like these odds". And if he is, well, good for him. (Warning: another Young Guns reference coming up in three seconds) He spent many a Sunday bating cornerbacks with a pump fake that whispered "I'll make ya' famous", so I reckon he deserves to write his own ending.

Some people say the Packers first rounder & QB of the future, Aaron Rodgers, should be in there getting some experience. That may be true, but given the circumstance, Aaron Rodgers can wait. I don't care if the Packers go 2-14, I just want one more improbable, impossible, unbelieveable fourth quarter rally in Lambeau, led by good ol' number four before the curtain falls on the '05 season and his career. And if possible, I'd really like for it to be this Sunday against the Steelers. And if possible, I'd also like Milli Vanilli to break Hines Ward's fibula. Or tibula. Or tibia. Whatever. Whichever takes longer to heal. And if it happens, (regional coverage permitting) I'll be watching it live. And if you happen to be watching too, and you happen to get a tear in your eye as Farve leaves the field with his fist in the air, his cold breath visible in the crisp autumn air, heartfelt cheers from adoring fans raining down upon him, well, you can be sure that I too will have a tear or two running down my cheek. Not so much for Favre as it will be from laughing at the misfortune of the Steelers, but still, some tears will be shed.

So keep strapping it on, Brett Fav-ruh. Keep your chin up, your passes down, your spirals tight, and your forward laterals, uh, not so forward. Patrol that frozen tundra like you own it. Go out like you came in- taking risks, throwing from all angles, and running like hell. And no matter what happens, just remember, Terry Bradshaw's job on Fox NFL Sunday is yours for the taking.


Wisconsin at Penn State-
After all that, could I really leave Wisconsin off of the slate this week? Seriously.

Miami FL at Virginia Tech-
VT is #3 in the nation behind USC and Texas. Great. That's a lot like being that dark-haired chick on Baywatch. Sure, she was pretty hot, but did anyone fucking notice?

Falcons at Dolphins-
Here's my part of a conversation with a co-worker recently: "No, seriously, Gus Frerotte is still in the NFL..... I swear to you..... He's starting for the Dolphins..... Why would I lie.... Look it up..... No, I'm not fucking with you."

Panthers at Bucs-
Two words: Chris. Simms.
Seven more words: Give me fifty dollars on the Panthers.

Bengals at Ravens-
No Ray Lewis. No Ed Reed. And most importantly (for the Ravens) no Kyle Boller.

Lions at Vikings-
Jeff Garcia. Brad Johnson. The Lions versus the Vikings, this Sunday on FOX!

Texans at Jaguars-
Over/Under on how many times the Jags will sack David Carr: 6.......in the first quarter.

Raiders at Chiefs-
Is it just me, or has no one else seen any coverage of the Raiders this season? It's almost like they moved back to LA and no one followed. How the hell are they doing? I mean, they do have Moss, Sapp, Janikowski, Woodson, and Kerry Collins, right? There's got to be a story about drugs, booze, criminal behavior, or some sexual deviance over at Mama Squintz' house, right? Whaddya say we gets a camera or two over there before we miss something.

Chargers at Jets-
J!E!T!S! SUCK, SUCK, SUCK!!!


Titans at Browns-
Also known as, The Don Criqui Game of the Week


Bears at Saints (in Baton Rouge)-
Word has it that the good people of Baton Rouge are quietly praying to be hit by a level four hurricane just so the Saints will have to leave.
(Yes, I know,....Hell, straight to hell. Fine.)


Giants at Niners-
Tim Rattay, Alex Smith, Ken Dorsey, now Jessie Palmer........Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha, ....Karma baby, karma!


Seahawks at Cardinals-
Hey, look who's on the hot seat boys & girls......it's Denny Green! Hi, Denny!


Steelers at Packers-
Again, tibula, fibula, whichever takes longer to heal.
(F-you Hines Ward, you little gooky-spooky)


Eagles at Redskins-
Word has it that Mark Brunell is seriously pissed off at Satan. His agent claims that Satan renegged on his deal last week & now Brunell is seeking restitution. Satan camp claims that Brunell's October payment was late, thereby voiding the contract. My sources tell me to expect both sides to settle their differences by gametime on Sunday.


(Monday Night) Colts at Patriots-
Al Michaels, John Madden, step right up and be the next crew to suck Tedy Bruschi's dick for him. And feel free to show his freakishly pale wife another 472 times during the game.