Show me, don't tell me, You've figured out the score...Show me, don't tell me, I've heard it all before...Show me, don't tell me, I don't care what you say...Show me, don't tell me...You can twist perceptions, Reality won't budge...You can raise objections, I will be the judge...And the jury...I'll give it due reflection, Watching from the fence...Give the jury direction, Based on the evidence...I, the jury...Show, Don't tell

Dec 28, 2004

Week 17 Matchups

The NFL's Week 17 is all about wants, needs, and gots'ta haves. It's simple human nature, really. There are things we want, things we need, and things we just Gots'ta Have! Allow me to illustrate: Imagine there's a tasty-looking cheeseburger sitting on a table. You want it, the little Ethiopian girl sitting next to you needs it, but Star Jones shoves both of you aside 'cause she just Gots'ta Have It! Here's another example: Most experimenting college girls want some anal, Johnny B's ex-wife needed some anal, but Mama Squints just Gots'ta Have some anal. You see what I mean? Here's one more: When Uncle Squints sees Star Jones, he wants to masturbate, when he sees Melissa Rivers, he needs to masturbate, and when he sees the Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week (see above link), he's just Gots'ta Masturbate!
It's the same in Week 17 of each NFL season. Some teams, players, and coaches want it, some need it, and some just Gots'ta Have It! This is also true in Pigskin Palooza. Guys who have won a couple of weeks (Yiddy Skyfrog, Uncle Squints), want another win, guys who are close to or currently in the overall lead (Sticky Mitts, LL Cool Wop) need to win, and guys who have been embarassed for sixteen straight weeks (Don Smitty) just Gots'ta Win! Hell, I take that back. Actually, I want to win, need to win, and Gotsta Win! And I'm so confident I'm going to finally pull it off that I'll even list my picks below each matchup. Let's go!

Dolphins at Ravens-
So Nick Saban is in as Dolphins head coach for 2005. Honestly, I was hoping they'd remove the "interim" tag from Jim Bates and let him have a shot. I mean, did you see him on the sidelines of that meaningless game last Sunday night? He wasn't just showing a little passion, he was showing some serious borderline psychotic intensity. He had that Mel Gibson in Ransom look on his face for the entire sixty minutes. Highly comical. Too bad we won't get that look for sixteen weeks next season.

Needs it: Kyle Boller
Wants it: Coach Bates
Gots'ta have it: Jamal Lewis (to delay the highway garbage detail for at least another week)
My pick: Ravens

Steelers at Bills-
Drew Bledsoe is leading a team into the playoffs. Wow, I had that at 75 to 1, just ahead of "David Schwimmer will go on to have a successful movie career".

Needs it: Tommy Maddox
Wants it: Takeo Spikes
Gots'ta have it: My buddy Andy, a Bills fan who just might impale himself on a fence post if Buffalo loses.
My pick: Bills

Bengals at Eagles-
Just three more weeks until the Eagles lose another NFC Championship game!

Wants it: Andy Reid
Needs it: Soon-to-be free agents Rudi Johnson and TJ Houshmadsfgonvw
Gots'ta have it: Former Bengal QB and possibly soon-to-be former Eagle QB Jeff Blake
My pick: Eagles

Browns at Texans-
Poor Terry Robiske. I haven't seen a team quit on themselves this horribly since my cousins Brian and Johnny turned over the Chinese Checkers board after Christmas dinner (and about eight consecutive losses) circa 1981.

Wants it: Dom Capers
Needs it: Terry Robiske
Gots'ta have it: Me, so I can pick up 30 Palooza points
My pick: Browns

Colts at Broncos-
I've come to find out that among Peyton Manning's record-breaking 49 touchdown passes this season, an inordinate number of them were for five yards or less, including the record-tying toss which was a shovel pass. That's like a porn star setting an anal gangbang record but using a whole bunch of dudes with 2-inch weiners and then capping it all off with a love bump from Verne Troyer after he just got back from a long, cold swim.

Wants it: Peyton Manning
Needs it: Jake Plummer
Gots'ta have it: Coach Sheen
My pick: Broncos

Jaguars at Raiders-
In a span of just two weeks, the Jaguars have gone from "the team that nobody wants to face" in the playoffs, to "the team that nobody will have to face" in the playoffs.

Wants it: Al Davis
Needs it: Jack Del Rio
Gots'ta have it: You know that member of Raider Nation who dresses up like Darth Vader? Well folks, this is all he's got. After Sunday, it's nine more months of living in Mom's basement, playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, eating Jack-in-the-Box burgers, and whacking it to some low-grade underage Asian porn. Give the dude this one day, would ya?
My pick: Raiders

Now a quick break for a couple bowl games....

(Capital One Bowl) LSU v Iowa-
I got some inside info about the halftime show for this one. Apparently it's going to involve a bunch of ugly actors dressed like vikings performing a What's in Your Wallet? medley, arranged and choreographed by Paula Abdul. There's also rumored to be some possible nipple-baring by David Spade. Don't miss it!

(Rose Bowl) Michigan v Texas-
When I was a young boy, I often dreamed that I'd grow up to date the Queen of the Rose Parade. I also dreamed of playing shortstop for the Reds, driving the Batmobile, and having a 10-inch penis. I'm currently o-for-4, but I think my penis is still growing.

.....And now, back to the National Football League.......

Chiefs at Chargers-
You know how when you run into some dude you went to school with, some guy who was kind of a putz, and you say "Hi", start talking, and find out that he's got some kick-ass job & making like $200 grand a year, driving a brand new BMW, just built a house next to a golf course, and is married to a former Miss Florida, and you think to yourself, "You've got to be fucking shitting me. Numbnuts is raking in the cache and I'm grinding it at the bank like some fuck monkey. Fuck me!" Then, you get home & call your buddies, tell 'em about Numbnuts, and you all have one of those "Yeah, but he's still a dork" therapy/coping session.
Yeah, well the Chiefs are like you and the Chargers are like Numbnuts.

Wants it: Marty Schottenheimer
Needs it: Gunther Cunningham
Gots'ta have it: According to my college roommate Joe, Marty Schottenheimer's daughter
My pick: Chargers

Niners at Patriots-
It's just like I said back in August- "The San Fransisco Forty Niners are now on the clock."

Wants it: Tom Brady
Needs it: Dennis Erickson
Gots'ta have it: Cal QB and likely #1 overall pick Aaron Rodgers (hoping desperately that he doesn't get stuck in SF)
My pick: Niners

Jets at Rams-
Last week, Mike Martz (aka Mrs. Doubtfire) publicly accused offensive tackle Kyle Turley of not being hurt as bad as he was claiming and also that he was "stealing money" from the Rams by not playing. The 300-lb Turley allegedly reacted to these remarks by threatening to kill Mrs. Doubtfire.
Also last week, Jets quarterback Chad Pennington (aka Mr. Misfire) publicly took the New York sports writers to task for being too subjective about him and his teammates. New York newpapers reacted to this outburst by trashing him on the front pages.
Now, which of these was the worse move- angering a mammoth-sized, tattooed, long-haired, psychologically unstable offensive tackle or angering a bunch of pint-sized, poorly dressed, balding beat writers with severe halitosis and a huge circulation base? I don't know. Honestly, right now I can't stop visualizing Turley ripping Martz' arms off and punching the arrogance out of him. Good times.

Wants it: Everyone involved
Needs it: Chad Pennington
Gots'ta have it: Mrs. Doubtfire
My pick: Rams

Lions at Titans-
Honestly, I'd rather watch old white people dance. Especially if they're doing The Charleston.

Wants it: Billy Volek
Needs it: Joey Harrington
Gots'ta have it: The Lions long-snapper, who, let's face it, is probably playing in his last NFL game.
My pick: Lions

Bucs at Cardinals-
This was originally billed in Arizona as The Battle of the Grammaticas. Now, since Martin and Bill have both been released by their respective teams, fans are upset and are claiming false advertising. Reports out of Puh-hoe-nicks state that no fewer than half of the Cardinals' season ticket holders are demanding their money back for this contest. Cardinal officials say that once they figure out what $39.95 times 17 equals, they will make a decision.

Wants it: Grammatica I
Needs it: Barber II
Gots'ta have it: The 17 other Cardinals season ticket holders.
My pick: Bucs

Falcons at Seahawks-
If the Seahawks win, they'll be the NFC West champs. They currently have just eight wins, and five of them came at the hands of the Niners (2), the Dolphins (1), the Cardinals (1), and the Cowboys (1). Now do you really think they have any shot at the Super Bowl? Shit, they've got a better chance of winning a silver medal in Olympic synchronized swimming.

Wants it: Shaun Alexander
Needs it: Mike Holmgren
Gots'ta have it: Jerry Rice
My pick: Seahawks

Saints at Panthers-
If New Orleans somehow pulls off a miracle here, they're in the playoffs as a wildcard with an 8-8 record. Now.....do you think they have any shot at the Super Bowl? Shit.....they've got a better chance of winning a bronze medal in Olympic synchronized swimming. ( I would've said "silver medal" but everyone knows Seattle would have a serious leg up on them there, given Trent Dilfer's days as a member of the 1989 state champion SoCal Synchro Seamen.)

Wants it: John Fox
Needs it: Jim Haslett
Gots'ta have it: All long-suffering Saints fans
My pick: Saints

Packers at Bears-

Packers! Bears! Who fucking cares?! This Sunday, on Fox!

Wants it: Mike Sherman
Needs it: Lovie Smith
Gots'ta have it: The ghost of Reggie White
My pick: Packers

Vikings at Redskins-
I'll take "Another Late Season Minnesota Meltdown" for $400, Alex.

Wants it: Joe Gibbs
Needs it: Mike Tice
Gots'ta have it: Those sorry-ass dudes who dress up like lady pigs at every Redskins home game.
My pick: Redskins

And finally, here's how you end the regular season in style......

(Monday Night) Cowboys at Giants-
What a terrible year for Tom Coughlin. His team filed a grievance against him in training camp, he made the horrible decision to go with Eli Manning at quarterback in Week 8, his team went from 5-2 to 5-10, and now most of the team has quit on him. The only bright spot was the Week 16 trip to Cincinnati where he spent most of the weekend walking around his hotel room in a two-sizes-too-small bathrobe, sipping martinis, eating stale pizza, and getting some of Mama Squints' world-class hummers.

Wants it: Vinny Testaverde
Needs it: Tom Coughlin
Gots'ta have it: Mama Squints (you have been paying attention all season, right?)
My pick: Giants

Quick side note: Since my picks have sucked horribly all year, for Week 17 I am officially taking the opposite of all my above picks.

Dec 20, 2004

Week 16 Matchups

Do you love football? Do you love Christmas carols? Just in time for Christmas, here's the perfect stocking stuffer for the Paloozer on any Christmas list. Pigskin Palooza Records brings you the roughest, toughest, helmet-smashingest Christmas cd ever recorded:
Hike, the Herald Angels Sing
All your favorite NFL players, coaches, and commentators with their own special renditions of all your favorite Christmas tunes. You get such offerings as this classic from Chris Berman-
"It's beginning to look a lot like.....the frozen tun-dra of Lam-beau fieeeeld..."

Hall of Fame coaches Joe Gibbs and Bill Parcells team up for this lovely melody-
"We'll be home for Christmas,
you can count on us.
We'll be home for Christmas,
'cause both of our teams suck..."

Broncos coach Mike Shannahan-
"All I want for Christmas is some new false teeth, some new false teeth, some new false teeth..."

Oh boy! And that's not all. This cd breaks out the Christmas jams and gets your feet a tappin' .....even in Spanglish. Check out this rooftop-rattler from the Grammatica Brothers-
"No Feliz navidad, No Feliz Navidad,
We kick dee ball reel bad & now we're out of jobs..."

The whole family will be dancing around the tree to such rockers as:
Jeff Fisher's "Rockin' Around the Christmas 'Stache", Jeff Garcia's "Little Hummer Boy", and this treasure from MVP Donovan McNabb-
"I saw Mommy kissing An-dy Reid,
underneath the field goal post last night..."

Oh-ho, you can't get this stuff anywhere else!
Donovan Darius dares you to try this one on for size-
"Robert Ferguson got run over by a Jaguar...."

Former Dolphin running back Ricky Williams-
"Oh Christmas tree,
Oh Christmas tree,
I'd like to smoke your bran-ches..."

Friends, that is just priceless.
Act now and receive this jam-packed on a two-cd set that with your very own special pigskin-bound carrying case and arrive at the tailgate party in style. Zip open the impressive pouch, pop the cd your portable player and blast some holiday cheer across the parking lot. Imagine the joy you'll bring to your fellow tailgaters when they hear Terrell Owens with this instant Christmas classic-
"I'm dreaming of a white......woman,
Just like the one who dropped her robe..."

Speaking of T.O., we even get some Eagle fans in on the act with this one-
"O, Holy Shit
T.O.'s leg is broooo-ken..."

And that's not nearly all! How about some duets-
Jamal Lewis and Ray Lewis team up for "Johnny Law is Coming to Town",
and Dennis Erickson and Sebastian Janikowski also combine talents on this masterpiece-
"For we need a little vodka,
right this very minute,
Give us Stolichnaya,
or a double-shot of Chevez...."

And what would a Christmas cd be without some touching carols that tug reflect the love of the season? Leslie Visser and John Madden snuggle-up on "Merry Christmas Baby", Don Criqui and Mama Squints share body heat on "Your Body is a Winter Wonderland", and here's a great one from Giants' quarterback Eli Manning-
"Well there's no place like Shockey's for the holidays..."

Hike! The Herald Angels Sing is a must-have for any football fan!
Act now, and we'll also throw in a behind-the-scenes DVD that captures all the in-studio recording sessions. You'll see bloopers like Donovan McNabb spilling a bowl of soup on a keyboard, the Grammatica Brothers spraining their ankles trying to dance, Sebastian Janikowski passing out right in the middle of his vocals, and much, much more. You'll even get the much talked about, internet-leaked sex scene starring the unsuspecting trio of Don Criqui, Mama Squints, and Jeff Garcia getting busy in what they thought was a free-from-the-cameras supply closet.

Don't wait, call now! 1-800-PIGSKIN,
That's 1-800-744-7546

Just $22.95, or three easy payments of $7.95 plus shipping and handling, and you'll have everyone dancing around the tree for hours on end.

Hike! The Herald Angels Sing!, a must-have for any football fan or American who considers him or herself a decent human being
Call now!

Alabama-Birmingham v Hawaii (Hawaii Bowl, Friday night)-
What better way to guarantee yourself an appearance in a bowl than to create a bowl game hosted on your island- four hours away from the next closest school. As the Guinness guys would say, "Brilliant!" "Brilliant!".

Connecticut v Toledo (Motor City Bowl, Monday night)-
If you're on the bowl committee for this one, how in the hell do you greet people who trek to this game?
"Welcome to Detroit! Sorry it's 10 degrees outside and the streets are filthy. While you're aimlessly walking around and looking for something to do, try not to step in all the dirty slush. Also, please try not to get mugged. Our research shows that it tends to detract from your experience."

Bears at Lions- So let me get this straight: Win championships, set fires and turn over cars. See a fight on the court, throw beer at the players and storm the court. Lose a game on a botched PAT snap........and you all go home quietly? Detroit is one fucked up city. I was expecting a shooting, a stabbing, or, at the very least, a little concession stand looting to come out of this one. Very disappointing.

Packers at Vikings-
Two huge negative factors colliding here that we need to make note of:
1) Brett Favre in a dome
2) The Vikings in December
Kind of reminds me of the Screech v Horshack celebrity boxing match- just impossible to imagine a winner coming out of it.

Raiders at Chiefs-
All the great taste of a normal NFL game, but without all that pesky defense and post-season overtones.

Broncos at Titans-
Yep, it's official, Jake Plummer is a fuck bag with a rag arm.

Falcons at Saints-
Attention New Orleans Saints:

Ravens at Steelers-
Just two weeks until the kickoff of the Jamal Lewis Community Service Tour!

Texans at Jaguars-
People I'd like to see get clotheslined by Donovan Darius:
Dr. Phil, Barbara Streisand, Melissa Rivers, Bill Maher, Ben Affleck, Avril Levine, the Baldwin Brothers (except for Stehen), Rosie O'Donnell, Paul Begala, and...... Donovan Darius.

Giants at Bengals-
I honestly don't have the strength. I need something to ease the pain.
Oh, here we go- Check out the Pigskin Palooza Cheerleaders of the Week (see above link).

Chargers at Colts-
Over/under on Peyton Manning breaking Marino's single-season touchdown record in this game: 3 to 2.
Over/under on the record breaking pass occurring in the first quarter: 2 to 1.
Over/under on the record breaking pass being caught by Marvin Harrison: 3 to 1.
Over/under on Chris Berman not saying "The Bolts are at the Colts" during the ESPN pregame extravaganza: 82,000 to 1.

Bills at Niners-
Damn Takeo! Damn him straight to hell!!!

Patriots at Jets-
So, that's how Tom Brady plays without a lead.

Cardinals at Seahawks-
The NFC West could very well be the worst four-member outfit since Joey, Danny, Donny, and Jordan were hangin' tough as the New Kids on the Block, circa 1989.
(Yes, I know their names. No, I'm not gay.)

PS: I think the Seahawks are most like Jordan.
(Still not gay.)

Panthers at Bucs-
Rebound Game for both teams. They each had their hearts broken and dreams shattered last week- the Panthers in an overtime loss in Atlanta, and the Bucs in a last minute defeat at the hands of the Saints. Now they meet just looking for someone nice who will listen to them & provide companionship.

Redskins at Cowboys-

Browns at Dolphins-
Holy fuck, somebody's getting fired for scheduling this one. This could be the worst prime-time matchup since the Donny & Marie Variety Hour. This baby's been sitting on the ESPN programming calendar for weeks, just looming there, no one wanting to look at it but everyone knowing it's not going away. Kinda like when you catch a glimpse of the social calendar your wife keeps for you that hangs on the inside of one of the kitchen cabinets, and you see a note about a dinner party with some of her annoying friends. You know you're not getting out of it but you just ignore it & hope someone comes down with the flu and it gets cancelled. Only it never gets cancelled. Ever.
Here are some survival tips for Patrick, Theisman and McGuire: Drink modestly and try not to say anything that will get you in trouble. And if things get too boring, try faking a case food poisoning.

(Monday Night) Eagles at Rams-
Sure, T.O. sprained his ankle, broke a leg bone, and is out for the remainder of the season. but more importantly, a record was set in Philly last Sunday. When T.O. limped off the field, 65,000-plus Eagles fans set the record for most people in the same venue to simultaneously shit their pants. This shattered the previous record set by the 30-40 white people in attendance at last year's Vibe Awards when the fighting broke out.

Merry Christmas,
West Si-eeeede, out!

Dec 14, 2004

Week 15 Matchups

Thanks to my home computer suffering a "Minnesota Vikings in December" type of meltdown, this week I am coming to you LIVE! from work. For those of you who don't already know, I work in a bank. For those of you who have never worked in a bank, trust me when I say this, it's like putting on a tie and sitting in the epicenter of Hell. On a good day, it's boring, excruciating, mind-numbing, and devoid of any redeeming intellectual, spiritual, or creative moments. Banks are neither a fun nor a cool place to be. Anybody who tells you they had fun while in a bank is either a) Lying or b) Recalling a time they brandished an automatic rifle, pulled on an ex-President mask & helped Patrick Swayze throw stacks of cash into duffel bags. Every single workday, I feel like Johnny Utah in the climactic robbery scene- standing in the middle of the bank, no mask on, wishing he was anywhere but the bank, and wishing he could just beat someone's ass & get back to the beach. So please excuse me if my creativity suffers this week but my only sources of motivation at the moment are a handful of fifty-something, life-sure-has-gone-fast-and-beat-me-with-an-ugly-stick tellers, the faint sound of CNN fn coming from the lobby television, a few hundred free pens, and an already-dying poinsettia plant which is crowding my desk. Not cool. Not cool at all.

Speaking of cool, I had a conversation recently with one of you Paloozers about what makes something cool. We wondered aloud whether it's simply the ability to appear self-assured, or maybe it's displaying grace under pressure, maybe it's independent thinking, or inner peace, devout loyalty, not being afraid to be different, unique creativity, or maybe it's a combination of all of the above. Who knows. I'm not smart enough to figure it out and neither is the Paloozer I was discussing this with. I'm not going to tell you who he is, but let's just say that his name rhymes with "Donny Lardcocks". We didn't arrive at any answers but the conversation did get me thinking (which is more than I can say for the bank) and I got to thinking further about how everything in this world can be tossed into one of four categories. That's right, everything you do, everything you see, hear, smell, taste, touch, and fondle can be assigned one of the following tags. Everything is either Cool, Not Cool, Hot, or Not Hot.
Free beer- Cool
$5 watered-down beers at the ballgame- Not Cool
Natalie Portman- Hot
Natalie from Facts of Life- Not Hot

You get the idea.

This is breaking life down to its' simplest. It's a new survival of the fittest, a Darwinism for the 2001st century if you will. Everything that's Cool or Hot succeeds & survives and everything else fails & dies. For us to survive and succeed we just need to put everything into it's appropriate box, then surround yourself with the Cool and Hot boxes and put the Not Cool and Not Hot boxes out with the trash. From here forward, that shall be what drives me. Goodbye Honda Accord, hello Mustang GT. Goodbye neckties, hello pucca shells. Goodbye banking job, hello professional gambling. Now, let's start filling those boxes.......

Steelers at Giants-
Cool: Being the 3rd quarterback taken in the draft and starting off 10-0
Not Cool: Being a spoiled brat on draft day and starting off 0-5

Hot: Jennifer Garner in some skin-tight yellow pants
Not Hot: Jerome Bettis in some skin-tight yellow pants

Panthers at Falcons-
Cool: Going from 1-7 to 6-7
Not Cool: Starting out 1-7

Hot: Rubbing Vicks Vapo Rub on Lindsay Lohan's chest
Not Hot: Rubbing linseed oil on Mike Vick's chest

Texans at Bears-
Cool: Last name Smith
Not Cool: First name Lovie

Hot: The cast of Chicago, except for Richard Gere
Not Hot: The cast of An Officer and a Gentleman, including Richard Gere

Vikings at Lions-
Cool: Having a 260-lb strong armed quarterback
Not Cool: Having your 260-lb strong armed quarterback stand by and watch while your 150 wide receiver throws a game-killing interception with a minute to go

Hot: Watching Jenna Jameson rub her G-spot
Not Hot: Watching Mike Tice rub his bald spot

Jaguars at Packers-
Cool: NFL Films' John Fascenda saying "The frozen tundra of Lambeau Field".
Not Cool: Chris Berman saying "The frozen tundra of Lambeau Field".

Hot: Bo Derek's wearing nothing but her hair braids
Not Hot: Al Harris wearing nothing but his hair braids

Saints at Bucs-
Cool: Skull & bones flag on the helmet.
Not Cool: French floral symbol on the helmet.

Hot: The Villanueva Twins, who just so happen to be our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleaders of the Week! (see above link).
Not Hot: The Barber twins, the Grammatica twins, and those twin motivational-speaking, real estate guru midgets

Seahawks at Jets-
Cool: Being a fireman
Not Cool: Being set on fire

Hot: Letting a good-looking girl sit on your shoulders so she can see over the crowd
Not Hot: Letting a retired fireman sit on your shoulders so he can lead some lame cheers

Redskins at Niners
Cool: The old Joe Gibbs
Not Cool: The new Joe Gibbs

Hot: The old Joe Gibbs
Not Hot: The new Joe GIbbs

Cowboys at Eagles-
Cool: Going to three straight NFC Championship games.
Not Cool: Losing three straight NFC Championship games.

Hot: Mama McNabb taking a bath in a tub full of Chunky Clam Chowder
Not Hot: Andy Reid eating out of Mama McNabb's tub full of Chunky Clam Chowder

Bills at Bengals-
Cool: Handing the ball back to the official
Not Cool: Doing the "Squirrell"

Hot: Doing the "Squirrell" with a Ben-Gal
Not Hot: Doing a squirrell with a Bengal

Chargers at Browns-
Cool: Having a college roommate bang Marty Schottenhiemer's daughter in the next room.
Not Cool: Having a daughter banged by one of Smitty's former college roommates.

Hot: Having sex with a college co-ed
Not Hot: (According to my former roommate Joe) Having sex with Kristin Schottenheimer

Rams at Cardinals-
Cool: LA Rams, St.Louis Football Cardinals
Not Cool: St. Louis Rams, Arizona Cardinals

Hot: Tori Spelling wearing nothing but a bag on her head
Not Hot: Torry Holt wearing nothing but Tori Spelling

Broncos at Chiefs-
Cool: Flipping touchdown passes in front of the home crowd
Not Cool: Flipping the bird at the home crowd

Hot: A Korean whore taking out her teeth to service you
Not Hot: Mike Shannahan taking out his teeth to service you

Titans at Raiders-
Cool: Having your balls tickled by Tennessee native Dolly Parton
Not Cool: Having your balls tickled by Jeff Fisher's cookie duster

Hot: Pamela Anderson sneaking one through the uprights
Not Hot: Gary Anderson sneaking one ghrough the uprights

Ravens at Colts-
Cool: Breaking Dan Marino's single-season touchdown record
Not Cool: Peyton Manning breaking Dan Marino's single-season touchdown record

Hot: Juliette Lewis and Ananda Lewis in a hot, sweaty, naked full-body hug
Not Hot: Jamal Lewis and Ray Lewis in a hot, sweaty, naked full-body hug

(Monday Night) Patriots at Dolphins-
Cool: Swimming with dolphins
Not Cool: Swimming with Bill Belicheck

And just in case you thought I might have forgotten about Mama Squints this week.....

Hot: Getting one of Mama Squints world-famous rim-jobs
Not Hot: Getting one of Mama Squints world-famous rim-jobs while Squints is downstairs yelling, "Mom! Where did you put the leftover tuna casserole?"

Dec 7, 2004

Week 14 Matchups

So Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi have been taking the juice. Has there ever been a bigger "No Fucking Kidding" story in the history of sports? When a guy gains 30 pounds of muscle in three months and his cranium swells to the size of a medicine ball, odds are he's swallowing something you won't find on the team's normal dinner buffet. The only dude I know of who can add that kind of strength that fast just by eating healthy is Popeye, and I still have my suspiscions as to what was in that fucking pipe.

Nevertheless, this is simply a case of finding out what we already knew- Bonds is juiced, Giambi is juiced, and so are probably fifty more guys just in the AL East alone. Not really a big scoop here. I imagine I'll feel the same way when O.J. finally confesses, or when Michael Jackson finally admits to having "more than a little work done", or when Clay Aiken finally admits that he's "not really into girls", or when Demi Moore admits that she's suffering from some freaky mental illness that causes her to want to date young, no-talent hack actors who wear trucker hats. I'll feel.....nothing. Well, maybe a little sense of relief that it's finally out there in the open, kinda like when you're holding in a fart at a dinner party, excuse yourself from the table, and slowly let it out as you crop-dust some poor schmuck's hallway. Nothing to high-five about, but it does put a little hop in your step.
(Quick sidenote #1: Speaking of trucker hats, it is my strong belief that they should only be worn by redneck truckers- so we can easily spot them in a crowd- and by hot chicks, who quite frankly should be allowed to wear anything they want as long as it doesn't cover up too much skin. A good example of the proper use of a trucker hat can be found in the person of Vida, our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week- see above link. Quick sidenote #2: Funniest four words I've heard this week- Clay. Aiken. Christmas. Special.)

Now the latest is that people from coast to coast are apparently screaming for Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi's names to be changed to Barry Bonds* and Jason Giambi*. The people want action, people want punishment, people want asterisks! Quick, grab your torches and head for the commissioner's office! Slow down. Before we discount the roid-enhanced achievements of these guys, let's all check ourselves for a minute. If we are to place an asterisk next to their numbers, don't we also have to place one next to everyone else who's ever been caught cheating in the game? Spitballers and bat-corkers beware! How does Gaylord Perry*, Julian Tavarez*, Sammy Sosa*, and Chris Sabo* strike 'ya?

Listen, guys are always looking for an edge on the competition, whether it be a little vaseline on the ball, some superballs inside the bat, a larger-than-regulation sized glove, whatever. Is it right? No. But it also isn't right, or necessarily fair, that some ballparks are larger than others, or that some teams cut their infield grass lower, or set their mounds higher, or that one league has the DH and the other doesn't, or that one particular field is set in an altitude that more closely resembles the moon than it does the earth? If we are going to take unfair advantages away, then we better buy a large bag of asterisks to put behind the names of every player who's ever called Coors Field their home. Unfair advantages have always been a part of the game and always will be. So the problem with steroids isn't prmarily that they give an unfair advantage, the problem is that they send a dangerous message to the kids who idolize the Bonds' and Giambi's of the game. Bonds, as much as he doesn't want to be a role model to kids (or even his own teammates), he is a role model, if for no other reason than for what he's been able to accomplish on the field. And for that reason alone, MLB needs to send the message to the future of the game. They owe it to all the little leaguers, high schoolers and college players to educate them on the dangers of this crap and to tell them, through punishments to Bonds, Giambi, and anyone else found guilty of being users in this case, that if you mess with this crap, you will lose money, you will lose respect, and you may lose your life. And if you don't believe them, just talk to the Caminiti family.

Anyway, while it is very important for baseball to deal with this properly, for me, this steroid story is really nothing more than yesterday's news on today's front page. Personally, I want something shocking on the front page. God bless Denny Neagle for giving it a good shot with that $20 hooker in his car, but we need something even bigger. I want to read about a baseball player who gets caught screwing the owner's wife, or two pro lady golfers caught "playing in the rough" on the 19th hole, or a pro bowler with his dick caught in his ball's thumbhole, or surfer who gets caught humping a sea turtle, or an NFL referee getting arrested for selling smack to Don Criqui, something that makes me lift Mama Squints' head off of my lap, sit up, and say "Holy Shit!"
In the meantime, I'll just have to immerse myself in Cops, Celebrities Uncensored, Inside Edition, the latest Paris Hilton home movies, and, of course, the weekly Matchups.....

James Madison at William & Mary (Yes, seriously.)-
I'm sure you all are familiar with James Madison, "Jimmy Mad" as his pals called him, the fourth president of the United States. But you may not be familiar with William & Mary.
There are two theories regarding the namesakes of this Virginia college. The prevailing theory is that it is named after William III (William of Orange) and Mary II, the last ruling monarchy in that Great Britain. William and Mary were first cousins who were forced to marry despite the fact that there was a twelve-year age difference between them, and the fact that Mary found William repulsive, and the fact that William was getting it on with Elizabeth Villiers, one of Mary's closest friends. You see, preservation of the royal bloodline was simply too important to let these petty (and borderline illegal) details stand in the way. Luckily for everyone, William and Mary bore no children. Unluckily, Mary died from smallpox at the age of 32 and William died eight years later, in 1702, after being thrown from his horse, named Lucky.
The other theory, the one a little less prevailing, is that the college is named after William and Mary Foo-Yung, the first web-footed Korean immigrant midgets to legally marry in the Commonwealth of Virginia. As the story goes, they escaped as a sideshow act from a traveling carnival, hopped in an empty car on a south-bound train along the Norfolk Railroad, exchanged vows in front of a Justice of the Peace, opened up a combination nail salon/convenience store and raised 12 children, one of whom grew up to invent those little paper umbrellas you put in foo-foo drinks.

Sam Houston State at Montana (still serious)-
The Kats versus The Grizz. Seriously, SHS is nicknamed the Bearkats and have the abbreviated "Kats" on their helmets, while Montana calls themselves the Grizzlies and have the abbreviated "Grizz" on the sides of their helmets.
Finally, hip-hop has found its' way to the Big Sky Conference!

Bears at Jaguars-
Please read this next sentence very slowly........
The Chicago Bears are still in the NFC wildcard picture.
You may now go to the window to check for swarms of locusts.

Browns at Bills-
Call me stupid but I have to believe that Terry Robiske is wielding less control than an elderly white female substitute sixth grade social studies teacher at Winton Place Elementary.

Saints at Cowboys-
The Jim Haslett Farewell Tour makes a stop in Dallas!

Raiders at Falcons-
When asked about his son's Atlanta Falcons getting shalacked by the Bucs last weekend, Jim Mora Sr replied, "I know what you're doing, I know you want me to say it, I'm not stupid.........I'm not going to say it.................Seriously, you can quit staring at me 'cause it ain't going to happen...........Just go away already, leave me alone..........Dammit, leave!.................I said LEAVE!..........Okay Goddammit, Diddly-Poo!, Diddly Fucking Poo! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!"

Bengals at Patriots-
Corey Dillon, meet Karma. Karma, meet Corey Dillon.
Personally, I think that about an hour before the game, the Bengals should announce that they are retiring the Number 28, in honor of the formal Bengal great runningback........ Harold Green. Then slap some #28 stickers on their helmets just to fuck with him.

Colts at Texans-
Where in the hell does Vegas start setting the OVER in games involving the Colts? 60? 65? 70? They're playing so well, it's hard to imagine how Tony Dungy is going to fuck it up this time. Just for the record, I've got "Clock Mismanagement in the AFC Championship game" in the office pool.

Giants at Ravens-
Eli looks great, doesn't he? A few more weeks of this and big brother Peyton will be visiting him at work, yelling "Cut That Meat!, Cut That Meat!"

Niners at Cardinals-
This Sunday is "Sit Where You Want Day" at Sun Devil Stadium!

Seahawks at Vikings-
The Mike Holmgren Farewell Tour rolls into Minneapolis!

Dolphins at Broncos-
I read that Heather Mitts (US olympic soccer player, super hottie, Cincinnati native) is dating A.J. Feeley.
Now that's just fucked-up. I think I'd feel better about it if she was dating A.J. Foyt.

Jets at Steelers-
My sources tell me that the terms to Roethlisberger's deal with the devil were as follows: Four years, 44 wins, one Super Bowl ring, two Pro Bowls, and a sandwich named after him, in exchange for his soul, his first-born son, and ten bags of Chuck Burgers.
(......and I probably lost everyone except Mit with that one)

Bucs at Chargers-
Speaking of Oxford, Ohio, have I ever told you about the time that an old college roommate of mine banged the hell out of Marty Schottenheimer's daughter?

Yes US, that was a rhetorical question.

Lions at Packers-
Just a thought here, but when Brett Favre retires, I think the Packers should change their name to the "Packres" in his honor.

Rams at Panthers-
What's the difference between a good coach and a bad coach?
A good coach: One who revives his team from a 1-6 start and the loss of three of his best offensive players to get his team to 5-7 and back in the playoff hunt.
A bad coach: One who is named Mike Martz.

Eagles at Redskins-
I've always heard that sports fans in Philadelphia are the worst but I'd never had any first-hand knowledge of this..........until now. You see, yesterday I found out that a guy I work with, named Don, grew up in Philly. Upon discovering this, I said, "I guess you had a good time watching the Eagles blow out the Packers last Sunday, huh?"
Now, the normal response to such an obvious question would be something like "Yeah, that was great" or "Yeah, they're on fire" or "Yeah, it was fucking awesome!", right? But what do you think I got from Philly Fan Don? I got, "It was the most boring game I've ever fucking watched. I don't like their offense, I like watching the defense. The defense was so-so."
It was at that point that the rest of us decided we had no choice. Don is now resting in a rolled-up carpet somewhere underneath the I-75 bridge.

(Monday Night) Chiefs at Titans-
Twenty two teams still have a legit shot at the playoffs. And none of those twenty two are playing this Monday night.
Remember: You can catch Las Vegas, 9pm EST on NBC!