So Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi have been taking the juice. Has there ever been a bigger "No Fucking Kidding" story in the history of sports? When a guy gains 30 pounds of muscle in three months and his cranium swells to the size of a medicine ball, odds are he's swallowing something you won't find on the team's normal dinner buffet. The only dude I know of who can add that kind of strength that fast just by eating healthy is Popeye, and I still have my suspiscions as to what was in that fucking pipe.
Nevertheless, this is simply a case of finding out what we already knew- Bonds is juiced, Giambi is juiced, and so are probably fifty more guys just in the AL East alone. Not really a big scoop here. I imagine I'll feel the same way when O.J. finally confesses, or when Michael Jackson finally admits to having "more than a little work done", or when Clay Aiken finally admits that he's "not really into girls", or when Demi Moore admits that she's suffering from some freaky mental illness that causes her to want to date young, no-talent hack actors who wear trucker hats. I'll feel.....nothing. Well, maybe a little sense of relief that it's finally out there in the open, kinda like when you're holding in a fart at a dinner party, excuse yourself from the table, and slowly let it out as you crop-dust some poor schmuck's hallway. Nothing to high-five about, but it does put a little hop in your step.
(Quick sidenote #1: Speaking of trucker hats, it is my strong belief that they should only be worn by redneck truckers- so we can easily spot them in a crowd- and by hot chicks, who quite frankly should be allowed to wear anything they want as long as it doesn't cover up too much skin. A good example of the proper use of a trucker hat can be found in the person of Vida, our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week- see above link. Quick sidenote #2: Funniest four words I've heard this week- Clay. Aiken. Christmas. Special.)
Now the latest is that people from coast to coast are apparently screaming for Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi's names to be changed to Barry Bonds* and Jason Giambi*. The people want action, people want punishment, people want asterisks! Quick, grab your torches and head for the commissioner's office! Slow down. Before we discount the roid-enhanced achievements of these guys, let's all check ourselves for a minute. If we are to place an asterisk next to their numbers, don't we also have to place one next to everyone else who's ever been caught cheating in the game? Spitballers and bat-corkers beware! How does Gaylord Perry*, Julian Tavarez*, Sammy Sosa*, and Chris Sabo* strike 'ya?
Listen, guys are always looking for an edge on the competition, whether it be a little vaseline on the ball, some superballs inside the bat, a larger-than-regulation sized glove, whatever. Is it right? No. But it also isn't right, or necessarily fair, that some ballparks are larger than others, or that some teams cut their infield grass lower, or set their mounds higher, or that one league has the DH and the other doesn't, or that one particular field is set in an altitude that more closely resembles the moon than it does the earth? If we are going to take unfair advantages away, then we better buy a large bag of asterisks to put behind the names of every player who's ever called Coors Field their home. Unfair advantages have always been a part of the game and always will be. So the problem with steroids isn't prmarily that they give an unfair advantage, the problem is that they send a dangerous message to the kids who idolize the Bonds' and Giambi's of the game. Bonds, as much as he doesn't want to be a role model to kids (or even his own teammates), he is a role model, if for no other reason than for what he's been able to accomplish on the field. And for that reason alone, MLB needs to send the message to the future of the game. They owe it to all the little leaguers, high schoolers and college players to educate them on the dangers of this crap and to tell them, through punishments to Bonds, Giambi, and anyone else found guilty of being users in this case, that if you mess with this crap, you will lose money, you will lose respect, and you may lose your life. And if you don't believe them, just talk to the Caminiti family.
Anyway, while it is very important for baseball to deal with this properly, for me, this steroid story is really nothing more than yesterday's news on today's front page. Personally, I want something shocking on the front page. God bless Denny Neagle for giving it a good shot with that $20 hooker in his car, but we need something even bigger. I want to read about a baseball player who gets caught screwing the owner's wife, or two pro lady golfers caught "playing in the rough" on the 19th hole, or a pro bowler with his dick caught in his ball's thumbhole, or surfer who gets caught humping a sea turtle, or an NFL referee getting arrested for selling smack to Don Criqui, something that makes me lift Mama Squints' head off of my lap, sit up, and say "Holy Shit!"
In the meantime, I'll just have to immerse myself in Cops, Celebrities Uncensored, Inside Edition, the latest Paris Hilton home movies, and, of course, the weekly Matchups.....
James Madison at William & Mary (Yes, seriously.)-
I'm sure you all are familiar with James Madison, "Jimmy Mad" as his pals called him, the fourth president of the United States. But you may not be familiar with William & Mary.
There are two theories regarding the namesakes of this Virginia college. The prevailing theory is that it is named after William III (William of Orange) and Mary II, the last ruling monarchy in that Great Britain. William and Mary were first cousins who were forced to marry despite the fact that there was a twelve-year age difference between them, and the fact that Mary found William repulsive, and the fact that William was getting it on with Elizabeth Villiers, one of Mary's closest friends. You see, preservation of the royal bloodline was simply too important to let these petty (and borderline illegal) details stand in the way. Luckily for everyone, William and Mary bore no children. Unluckily, Mary died from smallpox at the age of 32 and William died eight years later, in 1702, after being thrown from his horse, named Lucky.
The other theory, the one a little less prevailing, is that the college is named after William and Mary Foo-Yung, the first web-footed Korean immigrant midgets to legally marry in the Commonwealth of Virginia. As the story goes, they escaped as a sideshow act from a traveling carnival, hopped in an empty car on a south-bound train along the Norfolk Railroad, exchanged vows in front of a Justice of the Peace, opened up a combination nail salon/convenience store and raised 12 children, one of whom grew up to invent those little paper umbrellas you put in foo-foo drinks.
Sam Houston State at Montana (still serious)-
The Kats versus The Grizz. Seriously, SHS is nicknamed the Bearkats and have the abbreviated "Kats" on their helmets, while Montana calls themselves the Grizzlies and have the abbreviated "Grizz" on the sides of their helmets.
Finally, hip-hop has found its' way to the Big Sky Conference!
Bears at Jaguars-
Please read this next sentence very slowly........
The Chicago Bears are still in the NFC wildcard picture.
You may now go to the window to check for swarms of locusts.
Browns at Bills-
Call me stupid but I have to believe that Terry Robiske is wielding less control than an elderly white female substitute sixth grade social studies teacher at Winton Place Elementary.
Saints at Cowboys-
The Jim Haslett Farewell Tour makes a stop in Dallas!
Raiders at Falcons-
When asked about his son's Atlanta Falcons getting shalacked by the Bucs last weekend, Jim Mora Sr replied, "I know what you're doing, I know you want me to say it, I'm not stupid.........I'm not going to say it.................Seriously, you can quit staring at me 'cause it ain't going to happen...........Just go away already, leave me alone..........Dammit, leave!.................I said LEAVE!..........Okay Goddammit, Diddly-Poo!, Diddly Fucking Poo! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!"
Bengals at Patriots-
Corey Dillon, meet Karma. Karma, meet Corey Dillon.
Personally, I think that about an hour before the game, the Bengals should announce that they are retiring the Number 28, in honor of the formal Bengal great runningback........ Harold Green. Then slap some #28 stickers on their helmets just to fuck with him.
Colts at Texans-
Where in the hell does Vegas start setting the OVER in games involving the Colts? 60? 65? 70? They're playing so well, it's hard to imagine how Tony Dungy is going to fuck it up this time. Just for the record, I've got "Clock Mismanagement in the AFC Championship game" in the office pool.
Giants at Ravens-
Eli looks great, doesn't he? A few more weeks of this and big brother Peyton will be visiting him at work, yelling "Cut That Meat!, Cut That Meat!"
Niners at Cardinals-
This Sunday is "Sit Where You Want Day" at Sun Devil Stadium!
Seahawks at Vikings-
The Mike Holmgren Farewell Tour rolls into Minneapolis!
Dolphins at Broncos-
I read that Heather Mitts (US olympic soccer player, super hottie, Cincinnati native) is dating A.J. Feeley.
Now that's just fucked-up. I think I'd feel better about it if she was dating A.J. Foyt.
Jets at Steelers-
My sources tell me that the terms to Roethlisberger's deal with the devil were as follows: Four years, 44 wins, one Super Bowl ring, two Pro Bowls, and a sandwich named after him, in exchange for his soul, his first-born son, and ten bags of Chuck Burgers.
(......and I probably lost everyone except Mit with that one)
Bucs at Chargers-
Speaking of Oxford, Ohio, have I ever told you about the time that an old college roommate of mine banged the hell out of Marty Schottenheimer's daughter?
Yes US, that was a rhetorical question.
Lions at Packers-
Just a thought here, but when Brett Favre retires, I think the Packers should change their name to the "Packres" in his honor.
Rams at Panthers-
What's the difference between a good coach and a bad coach?
A good coach: One who revives his team from a 1-6 start and the loss of three of his best offensive players to get his team to 5-7 and back in the playoff hunt.
A bad coach: One who is named Mike Martz.
Eagles at Redskins-
I've always heard that sports fans in Philadelphia are the worst but I'd never had any first-hand knowledge of this..........until now. You see, yesterday I found out that a guy I work with, named Don, grew up in Philly. Upon discovering this, I said, "I guess you had a good time watching the Eagles blow out the Packers last Sunday, huh?"
Now, the normal response to such an obvious question would be something like "Yeah, that was great" or "Yeah, they're on fire" or "Yeah, it was fucking awesome!", right? But what do you think I got from Philly Fan Don? I got, "It was the most boring game I've ever fucking watched. I don't like their offense, I like watching the defense. The defense was so-so."
It was at that point that the rest of us decided we had no choice. Don is now resting in a rolled-up carpet somewhere underneath the I-75 bridge.
(Monday Night) Chiefs at Titans-
Twenty two teams still have a legit shot at the playoffs. And none of those twenty two are playing this Monday night.
Remember: You can catch Las Vegas, 9pm EST on NBC!