Show me, don't tell me, You've figured out the score...Show me, don't tell me, I've heard it all before...Show me, don't tell me, I don't care what you say...Show me, don't tell me...You can twist perceptions, Reality won't budge...You can raise objections, I will be the judge...And the jury...I'll give it due reflection, Watching from the fence...Give the jury direction, Based on the evidence...I, the jury...Show, Don't tell

Dec 20, 2004

Week 16 Matchups

Do you love football? Do you love Christmas carols? Just in time for Christmas, here's the perfect stocking stuffer for the Paloozer on any Christmas list. Pigskin Palooza Records brings you the roughest, toughest, helmet-smashingest Christmas cd ever recorded:
Hike, the Herald Angels Sing
All your favorite NFL players, coaches, and commentators with their own special renditions of all your favorite Christmas tunes. You get such offerings as this classic from Chris Berman-
"It's beginning to look a lot like.....the frozen tun-dra of Lam-beau fieeeeld..."

Hall of Fame coaches Joe Gibbs and Bill Parcells team up for this lovely melody-
"We'll be home for Christmas,
you can count on us.
We'll be home for Christmas,
'cause both of our teams suck..."

Broncos coach Mike Shannahan-
"All I want for Christmas is some new false teeth, some new false teeth, some new false teeth..."

Oh boy! And that's not all. This cd breaks out the Christmas jams and gets your feet a tappin' .....even in Spanglish. Check out this rooftop-rattler from the Grammatica Brothers-
"No Feliz navidad, No Feliz Navidad,
We kick dee ball reel bad & now we're out of jobs..."

The whole family will be dancing around the tree to such rockers as:
Jeff Fisher's "Rockin' Around the Christmas 'Stache", Jeff Garcia's "Little Hummer Boy", and this treasure from MVP Donovan McNabb-
"I saw Mommy kissing An-dy Reid,
underneath the field goal post last night..."

Oh-ho, you can't get this stuff anywhere else!
Donovan Darius dares you to try this one on for size-
"Robert Ferguson got run over by a Jaguar...."

Former Dolphin running back Ricky Williams-
"Oh Christmas tree,
Oh Christmas tree,
I'd like to smoke your bran-ches..."

Friends, that is just priceless.
Act now and receive this jam-packed on a two-cd set that with your very own special pigskin-bound carrying case and arrive at the tailgate party in style. Zip open the impressive pouch, pop the cd your portable player and blast some holiday cheer across the parking lot. Imagine the joy you'll bring to your fellow tailgaters when they hear Terrell Owens with this instant Christmas classic-
"I'm dreaming of a white......woman,
Just like the one who dropped her robe..."

Speaking of T.O., we even get some Eagle fans in on the act with this one-
"O, Holy Shit
T.O.'s leg is broooo-ken..."

And that's not nearly all! How about some duets-
Jamal Lewis and Ray Lewis team up for "Johnny Law is Coming to Town",
and Dennis Erickson and Sebastian Janikowski also combine talents on this masterpiece-
"For we need a little vodka,
right this very minute,
Give us Stolichnaya,
or a double-shot of Chevez...."

And what would a Christmas cd be without some touching carols that tug reflect the love of the season? Leslie Visser and John Madden snuggle-up on "Merry Christmas Baby", Don Criqui and Mama Squints share body heat on "Your Body is a Winter Wonderland", and here's a great one from Giants' quarterback Eli Manning-
"Well there's no place like Shockey's for the holidays..."

Hike! The Herald Angels Sing is a must-have for any football fan!
Act now, and we'll also throw in a behind-the-scenes DVD that captures all the in-studio recording sessions. You'll see bloopers like Donovan McNabb spilling a bowl of soup on a keyboard, the Grammatica Brothers spraining their ankles trying to dance, Sebastian Janikowski passing out right in the middle of his vocals, and much, much more. You'll even get the much talked about, internet-leaked sex scene starring the unsuspecting trio of Don Criqui, Mama Squints, and Jeff Garcia getting busy in what they thought was a free-from-the-cameras supply closet.

Don't wait, call now! 1-800-PIGSKIN,
That's 1-800-744-7546

Just $22.95, or three easy payments of $7.95 plus shipping and handling, and you'll have everyone dancing around the tree for hours on end.

Hike! The Herald Angels Sing!, a must-have for any football fan or American who considers him or herself a decent human being
Call now!

Alabama-Birmingham v Hawaii (Hawaii Bowl, Friday night)-
What better way to guarantee yourself an appearance in a bowl than to create a bowl game hosted on your island- four hours away from the next closest school. As the Guinness guys would say, "Brilliant!" "Brilliant!".

Connecticut v Toledo (Motor City Bowl, Monday night)-
If you're on the bowl committee for this one, how in the hell do you greet people who trek to this game?
"Welcome to Detroit! Sorry it's 10 degrees outside and the streets are filthy. While you're aimlessly walking around and looking for something to do, try not to step in all the dirty slush. Also, please try not to get mugged. Our research shows that it tends to detract from your experience."

Bears at Lions- So let me get this straight: Win championships, set fires and turn over cars. See a fight on the court, throw beer at the players and storm the court. Lose a game on a botched PAT snap........and you all go home quietly? Detroit is one fucked up city. I was expecting a shooting, a stabbing, or, at the very least, a little concession stand looting to come out of this one. Very disappointing.

Packers at Vikings-
Two huge negative factors colliding here that we need to make note of:
1) Brett Favre in a dome
2) The Vikings in December
Kind of reminds me of the Screech v Horshack celebrity boxing match- just impossible to imagine a winner coming out of it.

Raiders at Chiefs-
All the great taste of a normal NFL game, but without all that pesky defense and post-season overtones.

Broncos at Titans-
Yep, it's official, Jake Plummer is a fuck bag with a rag arm.

Falcons at Saints-
Attention New Orleans Saints:

Ravens at Steelers-
Just two weeks until the kickoff of the Jamal Lewis Community Service Tour!

Texans at Jaguars-
People I'd like to see get clotheslined by Donovan Darius:
Dr. Phil, Barbara Streisand, Melissa Rivers, Bill Maher, Ben Affleck, Avril Levine, the Baldwin Brothers (except for Stehen), Rosie O'Donnell, Paul Begala, and...... Donovan Darius.

Giants at Bengals-
I honestly don't have the strength. I need something to ease the pain.
Oh, here we go- Check out the Pigskin Palooza Cheerleaders of the Week (see above link).

Chargers at Colts-
Over/under on Peyton Manning breaking Marino's single-season touchdown record in this game: 3 to 2.
Over/under on the record breaking pass occurring in the first quarter: 2 to 1.
Over/under on the record breaking pass being caught by Marvin Harrison: 3 to 1.
Over/under on Chris Berman not saying "The Bolts are at the Colts" during the ESPN pregame extravaganza: 82,000 to 1.

Bills at Niners-
Damn Takeo! Damn him straight to hell!!!

Patriots at Jets-
So, that's how Tom Brady plays without a lead.

Cardinals at Seahawks-
The NFC West could very well be the worst four-member outfit since Joey, Danny, Donny, and Jordan were hangin' tough as the New Kids on the Block, circa 1989.
(Yes, I know their names. No, I'm not gay.)

PS: I think the Seahawks are most like Jordan.
(Still not gay.)

Panthers at Bucs-
Rebound Game for both teams. They each had their hearts broken and dreams shattered last week- the Panthers in an overtime loss in Atlanta, and the Bucs in a last minute defeat at the hands of the Saints. Now they meet just looking for someone nice who will listen to them & provide companionship.

Redskins at Cowboys-

Browns at Dolphins-
Holy fuck, somebody's getting fired for scheduling this one. This could be the worst prime-time matchup since the Donny & Marie Variety Hour. This baby's been sitting on the ESPN programming calendar for weeks, just looming there, no one wanting to look at it but everyone knowing it's not going away. Kinda like when you catch a glimpse of the social calendar your wife keeps for you that hangs on the inside of one of the kitchen cabinets, and you see a note about a dinner party with some of her annoying friends. You know you're not getting out of it but you just ignore it & hope someone comes down with the flu and it gets cancelled. Only it never gets cancelled. Ever.
Here are some survival tips for Patrick, Theisman and McGuire: Drink modestly and try not to say anything that will get you in trouble. And if things get too boring, try faking a case food poisoning.

(Monday Night) Eagles at Rams-
Sure, T.O. sprained his ankle, broke a leg bone, and is out for the remainder of the season. but more importantly, a record was set in Philly last Sunday. When T.O. limped off the field, 65,000-plus Eagles fans set the record for most people in the same venue to simultaneously shit their pants. This shattered the previous record set by the 30-40 white people in attendance at last year's Vibe Awards when the fighting broke out.

Merry Christmas,
West Si-eeeede, out!

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