Thanks to my home computer suffering a "Minnesota Vikings in December" type of meltdown, this week I am coming to you LIVE! from work. For those of you who don't already know, I work in a bank. For those of you who have never worked in a bank, trust me when I say this, it's like putting on a tie and sitting in the epicenter of Hell. On a good day, it's boring, excruciating, mind-numbing, and devoid of any redeeming intellectual, spiritual, or creative moments. Banks are neither a fun nor a cool place to be. Anybody who tells you they had fun while in a bank is either a) Lying or b) Recalling a time they brandished an automatic rifle, pulled on an ex-President mask & helped Patrick Swayze throw stacks of cash into duffel bags. Every single workday, I feel like Johnny Utah in the climactic robbery scene- standing in the middle of the bank, no mask on, wishing he was anywhere but the bank, and wishing he could just beat someone's ass & get back to the beach. So please excuse me if my creativity suffers this week but my only sources of motivation at the moment are a handful of fifty-something, life-sure-has-gone-fast-and-beat-me-with-an-ugly-stick tellers, the faint sound of CNN fn coming from the lobby television, a few hundred free pens, and an already-dying poinsettia plant which is crowding my desk. Not cool. Not cool at all.
Speaking of cool, I had a conversation recently with one of you Paloozers about what makes something cool. We wondered aloud whether it's simply the ability to appear self-assured, or maybe it's displaying grace under pressure, maybe it's independent thinking, or inner peace, devout loyalty, not being afraid to be different, unique creativity, or maybe it's a combination of all of the above. Who knows. I'm not smart enough to figure it out and neither is the Paloozer I was discussing this with. I'm not going to tell you who he is, but let's just say that his name rhymes with "Donny Lardcocks". We didn't arrive at any answers but the conversation did get me thinking (which is more than I can say for the bank) and I got to thinking further about how everything in this world can be tossed into one of four categories. That's right, everything you do, everything you see, hear, smell, taste, touch, and fondle can be assigned one of the following tags. Everything is either Cool, Not Cool, Hot, or Not Hot.
Free beer- Cool
$5 watered-down beers at the ballgame- Not Cool
Natalie Portman- Hot
Natalie from Facts of Life- Not Hot
You get the idea.
This is breaking life down to its' simplest. It's a new survival of the fittest, a Darwinism for the 2001st century if you will. Everything that's Cool or Hot succeeds & survives and everything else fails & dies. For us to survive and succeed we just need to put everything into it's appropriate box, then surround yourself with the Cool and Hot boxes and put the Not Cool and Not Hot boxes out with the trash. From here forward, that shall be what drives me. Goodbye Honda Accord, hello Mustang GT. Goodbye neckties, hello pucca shells. Goodbye banking job, hello professional gambling. Now, let's start filling those boxes.......
Steelers at Giants-
Cool: Being the 3rd quarterback taken in the draft and starting off 10-0
Not Cool: Being a spoiled brat on draft day and starting off 0-5
Hot: Jennifer Garner in some skin-tight yellow pants
Not Hot: Jerome Bettis in some skin-tight yellow pants
Panthers at Falcons-
Cool: Going from 1-7 to 6-7
Not Cool: Starting out 1-7
Hot: Rubbing Vicks Vapo Rub on Lindsay Lohan's chest
Not Hot: Rubbing linseed oil on Mike Vick's chest
Texans at Bears-
Cool: Last name Smith
Not Cool: First name Lovie
Hot: The cast of Chicago, except for Richard Gere
Not Hot: The cast of An Officer and a Gentleman, including Richard Gere
Vikings at Lions-
Cool: Having a 260-lb strong armed quarterback
Not Cool: Having your 260-lb strong armed quarterback stand by and watch while your 150 wide receiver throws a game-killing interception with a minute to go
Hot: Watching Jenna Jameson rub her G-spot
Not Hot: Watching Mike Tice rub his bald spot
Jaguars at Packers-
Cool: NFL Films' John Fascenda saying "The frozen tundra of Lambeau Field".
Not Cool: Chris Berman saying "The frozen tundra of Lambeau Field".
Hot: Bo Derek's wearing nothing but her hair braids
Not Hot: Al Harris wearing nothing but his hair braids
Saints at Bucs-
Cool: Skull & bones flag on the helmet.
Not Cool: French floral symbol on the helmet.
Hot: The Villanueva Twins, who just so happen to be our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleaders of the Week! (see above link).
Not Hot: The Barber twins, the Grammatica twins, and those twin motivational-speaking, real estate guru midgets
Seahawks at Jets-
Cool: Being a fireman
Not Cool: Being set on fire
Hot: Letting a good-looking girl sit on your shoulders so she can see over the crowd
Not Hot: Letting a retired fireman sit on your shoulders so he can lead some lame cheers
Redskins at Niners
Cool: The old Joe Gibbs
Not Cool: The new Joe Gibbs
Hot: The old Joe Gibbs
Not Hot: The new Joe GIbbs
Cowboys at Eagles-
Cool: Going to three straight NFC Championship games.
Not Cool: Losing three straight NFC Championship games.
Hot: Mama McNabb taking a bath in a tub full of Chunky Clam Chowder
Not Hot: Andy Reid eating out of Mama McNabb's tub full of Chunky Clam Chowder
Bills at Bengals-
Cool: Handing the ball back to the official
Not Cool: Doing the "Squirrell"
Hot: Doing the "Squirrell" with a Ben-Gal
Not Hot: Doing a squirrell with a Bengal
Chargers at Browns-
Cool: Having a college roommate bang Marty Schottenhiemer's daughter in the next room.
Not Cool: Having a daughter banged by one of Smitty's former college roommates.
Hot: Having sex with a college co-ed
Not Hot: (According to my former roommate Joe) Having sex with Kristin Schottenheimer
Rams at Cardinals-
Cool: LA Rams, St.Louis Football Cardinals
Not Cool: St. Louis Rams, Arizona Cardinals
Hot: Tori Spelling wearing nothing but a bag on her head
Not Hot: Torry Holt wearing nothing but Tori Spelling
Broncos at Chiefs-
Cool: Flipping touchdown passes in front of the home crowd
Not Cool: Flipping the bird at the home crowd
Hot: A Korean whore taking out her teeth to service you
Not Hot: Mike Shannahan taking out his teeth to service you
Titans at Raiders-
Cool: Having your balls tickled by Tennessee native Dolly Parton
Not Cool: Having your balls tickled by Jeff Fisher's cookie duster
Hot: Pamela Anderson sneaking one through the uprights
Not Hot: Gary Anderson sneaking one ghrough the uprights
Ravens at Colts-
Cool: Breaking Dan Marino's single-season touchdown record
Not Cool: Peyton Manning breaking Dan Marino's single-season touchdown record
Hot: Juliette Lewis and Ananda Lewis in a hot, sweaty, naked full-body hug
Not Hot: Jamal Lewis and Ray Lewis in a hot, sweaty, naked full-body hug
(Monday Night) Patriots at Dolphins-
Cool: Swimming with dolphins
Not Cool: Swimming with Bill Belicheck
And just in case you thought I might have forgotten about Mama Squints this week.....
Hot: Getting one of Mama Squints world-famous rim-jobs
Not Hot: Getting one of Mama Squints world-famous rim-jobs while Squints is downstairs yelling, "Mom! Where did you put the leftover tuna casserole?"