What a Smore

You know when you get a phone call and you hang up wondering what the hell just happened? Well, I got one of those phone calls from Johnny Utah a couple days ago. It seems all he really wanted to tell me was that he figured out that if their was a Smurf who just so happened to be a whore, then the slang term for that would be a “Smore”. Johnny thought this was especially funny ‘cause that’s also the slang term for those graham cracker-chocolate-marshmallow deals you make when you’re out camping, so he’d come up with a slang term with a double-meaning. Rare? Yes. Funny? Maybe. Really funny? Not so much. But Johnny thought is was really funny and maybe he’s right. Or maybe he’d just got done huffing some paint thinner and got caught up reliving his childhood crush on Smurfette. Hard to tell. But it got me to thinking…..

Words can be pretty funny sometimes. Especially when they’re used improperly or out of context. Like when someone says they’re nauseous when what they really mean to say is that they feel nauseated. Or when someone asks you if they can axe you a question. Or when someone expecially wants to talk about all nucular weapons they supposably found last Febuary or the omnipotent rights of the Klu Klux Klan to march down past the liberry. That shit is funny. Just be careful not to fall into those traps. Use the spellcheck thingy. Don’t give people the chance to ridicule you. After all, it’s a doggy dog world out there, right? You think the people up in Harvard and Yale go around talking like that? Nope. They speak respectably and say things like “Hey, try not to pahk yah cah next to da library tomarrah. The Klan would be wicked pissed at’cha.” Classy shit.

Anyway, what the fuck was I talking about?……….Words. Yeah, they can be funny. And maybe Johnny was onto something with his whole double-meaning slang thing. I mean, “Smore” seems like a perfectly good term for a Smurf whore. And just because the campground treat came first shouldn’t keep any little, blue sluts from using it, too. Maybe there’s more words like that, words just waiting for another meaning to help revive their careers. Kinda like Travolta right before he got the call from Tarantino to be in Pulp Fiction. Whaddya say we grab some paint thinner and try a few? Here goes........

Slurpie= a slut with herpes

Ripples = a rigid set of nipples

Matchups= Matt's Easy Cheese-Flavored Hiccups

That was fun. Let me know if any of you deviants can come up with some more.

And speaking of matchups.........


Princeton at Harvard-
Over/Under on the number of Muffy's, Buffy's and Kitten's in the crowd: 472

Brown at Cornell-
I've said it before and I'll say it again....this makes about as much sense as a Miami, FL vs Florida State chessmatch.

Lions at Browns-
Garcia or Harrington?.....Garcia or Harrington??.......Garcia or Harrington??? Poor Mariucci. This is like trying to decide whether to have the shit sandwich on rye or the booger sandwich on wheat for lunch. Both smell bad to ya, and you know they're both going to leave a terrible taste in your mouth when all's said & done.

Packers at Vikings-
So now that Culpepper's name has been linked to the Nordic Sex Cruise Scandal, can we maybe get his "Teachers are great. Without them, I wouldn't be the person I am today...." commercial off of the NFL Network?

Colts at Texans-
What’s the scientific term for a 16-0 team crossing the path of an 0-16 team? An “anal flogging”? That’s right, thanks.


Chiefs at Dolphins-
Glad to see the Fins got AJ Feeley out of the way so that the Gus Frerotte Era could continue on and flourish without any interruption.

Saints at Rams-
No Deuce, no Bulger, no Coach Doubtfire….No real reason to what this crapfest.


Steelers at Bengals-
I have looked it up and I've found the answer to a question that's been burning a hole in my brain for some time now.......According to the official Scrabble website, Houshmanzedeh is worth 34 points and Roethlisberger is worth a paltry 20.


Chargers at Eagles-
Isn't it about time for T.O. to start griping about something? The silence is eerie, isn't it? Makes you wonder if he's hiding outside in the bushes wearing a goalie mask and carrying a large cleaver.

Niners at Redskins-
According to my calculations, the wheels should start falling off the Skins wagon right about....(the Niners are in town?).......uh, in about nine days.

Cowboys at Seahawks-
Last week, I realized that Hasselbeck is the nephew of a guy I graduated with from grade school. When did I become such an old fucking bastard?

Ravens at Bears-
I've got $50 on this being the first 0-0 NFL contest in modern history.

Bills at Raiders-
No Moss, no chance. Hmmmm....what's that I hear? It's a parade! The Norv Turner Farewell Tour is getting assembled!

Broncos at Giants-
Will the real Jake Plummer please stand up (and throw four interceptions). Thank you.

Titans at Cardinals-
I'm guessing Don Criqui and Steve Tasker are doing this one.

(Monday Night) Jets at Falcons-
J!-E!-T!-S! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!