Oct 13, 2005
I Have No Idea What to Title This
Anybody else seen an episode of this show called Breaking Bonaduce? This is the show about that fat little redheaded Partridge Family kid who’s now all grown up and, well, completely fucking insane. Seriously. Dude is the most intense whack-job I have ever seen, heard about, or could possibly imagine. He’s a ‘roid-raging, bi-polar, mean-ass drunk with an overblown, under-fed ego and a full-blown Napoleon Complex to boot. It’s like watching some sort of illegitimate spawn of Robert Blake and the Heat Meiser. He’s certainly come a long way from faking it on a drum set and singing backup to “Come on, Get Happy.”
Bonaduce threatens to cripple people. He threatens to “end” people. He threatens to sue people. He threatens to kill himself. He named his kids Countess Isabella and Count Dante. It’s disturbing. It’s alarming. It’s perplexing. And, yes, it’s kinda funny. Kinda funny ‘cause he sometimes goes so over-the-top with his braggadocio that you suddenly realize that despite being portrayed as a short, ugly, hairy, walking time bomb, Bonaduce likes, no, LOVES the attention. And think about it; anytime it becomes apparent that somebody who downplays being in the spotlight actually needs the spotlight, it’s funny. Real funny.
Now don’t get me wrong, although funny, it wouldn’t be so funny if he lived in my world. Okay, it’d still be kinda funny, but it’d also be a colossal pain in the ass. And that’s what has me confused. After getting over the initial shock of the depths of his dysfunction, I found myself wondering more about the people around him- his wife, his friends, his co-workers- than about Bonaduce himself. At one point I started yelling at the screen like a black guy in the cinema during a horror movie. RUN! RUN! GET DA FUCK OUTTA DA HOUSE!! THAT CRAZY MUTHAFUCKA’S COMIN’!!!
Yep, because they linger around, his wife and friends are just as nuts as he is- probably worse. At least he has addictions and chemical imbalances to blame. Their only excuse is that they are inexplicably drawn to being part of a train wreck. Hell, even those crazy-ass storm chasers keep a little distance from tornados. These klondikes walk right back into the eye of that redheaded twister every day. (Yawwwwwwn & stretch) Hey, maybe today will be a better-------AAAAAARGHHH!!!!!!!! ….Fuck, didn’t see that coming. ...Again.
So how and why is this relevant? Uh, it’s probably not. But it does show that everybody’s got somebody. And everybody can make life a living hell for those somebodies. But those somebodies have a choice. Just like referee Mike Carey said to Terrell Suggs last week, Mrs. ‘Duce should tell Danny, “You’re outta here.” And she should probably say it over the phone, from across the globe, after having been careful to leave no possible way of being tracked. Then maybe we can get Danny to listen to his shrink, kick the bottle, throw away the ‘roids needles, and morph back into something more closely resembling a human being.
That’d be good.
(Oh, and if you think Bonaduce is nuts, what do you call a guy who worships the "teachings of the Partridge Family"? Call him Adam- http://www.partridgefamilytemple.com/ )
Anyway, I say we clean up all of the headcase pseudo-celebs. Bonaduce, Whitney Houston, Kelly Osborne, Omarosa, Gary Busey, …….. Get ‘em all, as motivational speaker Matt Foley would say, “Back on the right track.” Then, cast them all in a special Celebrity Big Brother series. Yep, drop ‘em all in that house like experimental gerbils at a lipstick factory. Watch ‘em run on the sanity wheel until they loose footing and fall back down to Crazy Town. Vegas would have to give odds like “First Celebrity Big Brother Castmember to Set Themselves on Fire” and give an over/under on “The Number of Times A Felony Will be Committed After Dark in the House”. Speaking of odds, it’s getting late, I’m waaaaay off on a tangent, and the Matchups are waiting. Let’s go…….
USC at Notre Dame-
Seriously, how long before they start printing “Weis Guys” t-shirts in South Bend?
Florida at LSU-
Quick, what's the name of LSU's new head coach.
A) Les Paul
B) Les Nessman
C) Les Miles
D) L. Les Ewe
Falcons at Saints (in San Antonio)-
Ron Mexico still questionable with a strained knee and an infected unit.
Our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week is also questionable with a strange nipple infection.
Panthers at Lions-
The Panthers have three tailbacks. All three are either listed as “questionable” or “doubtful” for Sunday. But please, don’t let that sway your pick.
Bengals at Titans-
Kevin Kaesvaharn’s making a strong bid for induction into the Arm-Tackling Hall of Fame.
Browns at Ravens-
Brian Billick may want to consider slipping some mild sedatives into the Gatorade. After first getting permission from the Warden, of course.
Jaguars at Steelers-
Two words: Charlie. Batch.
Dolphins at Bucs-
Two more words: Ricky. Toking. Williams.
Vikings at Bears-
Two more words: Kyle. Orton. Sucks.
Is anyone really surprised here? He got benched last year at Purdue. Helloooooo.
Giants at Cowboys-
Winner of this one officially becomes the “Where the Fuck Did they Come From?” Team of 2005.
Redskins at Chiefs-
Speaking of “where the fuck did they come from?”, I get the feeling the Redskins are getting set to “go the fuck back”.
Patriots at Broncos-
Hey Jake Plummer, nice ‘stache. Always good to look like the bass player from .38 Special.
Jets at Bills-
Testaverde. Holcombe. This Sunday on CBS!
Chargers at Raiders-
Moss, Sapp, Collins, Janikowski………Fifty bucks says Bonaduce is a Raiders fan.
Texans at Seahawks-
The Dom Capers Farewell Tour hits Seattle!
(Monday Night) Rams at Colts-
Coach Doubtfire is out with a viral infection, or something. Well, that's it, now I’m not watching.
Posted by Smitty