Dec 7, 2005
Bart? I don't remember a "Bart"
Once again, congratulations to Black Bart for running the table last week, going 18-0 en route to winning Week 13 with a whopping 168 points. A perfect week. Quite impressive.
Also quite annoying.
You know, there’s a lot of “perfect” going around this football season. The Indy Colts are 12-0 and shooting for the first perfect season in the NFL since the Dolphins of ‘72, the USC Trojans are 12-0 and also shooting for a perfect season (as well as a third straight National Championship), and the Texas Longhorns are 12-0 and looking for their first national title since 1970. Three great teams who can all just, well, quite frankly, who can all just go to hell.
Seriously, we don’t need people raising the bar like this, do we? This is America. We like it when people overcome shortcomings, go through a little strife, come from out of nowhere and emerge as the victorious battered & bloodied underdog. We like David, not Goliath. Rocky Balboa, not Apollo Creed. And we certainly don’t need anyone raising the bar to “Perfect”. As a brilliant songwriter once wrote, “Nothing’s perfect except God and a California sunset.” The word "perfect" should be reserved only for things that are subjective, like the perfect wine to go with poached salmon, the perfect gift for Mother’s Day, the perfect time to take a Caribbean cruise, the perfect storm, the perfect cheer, and the perfect place to hide a crack pipe that your friend brought to your house on Thanksgiving.
-A gift certificate to a day spa
-The convergence of three weather systems that swallowed-up the Andrea Gail & its' captain George Clooney off the coast of Nova Scotia in 1991
-"I'm Arianna, I have team spirit, I don't do drugs, so check me out. Cha cha butchee, cha cha cha butchee Roll call.
My name is Craig, I did drugs once, I am a spartan, so check me out. So check us out. U.G.L.Y. you ain't got no alibi. You're ugly, hey hey your ugly."
-Anywhere but in your own car.}
We don’t need things that are measurably perfect. Billions of dollars are spent each year on diet pills, diet plans, and cosmetic surgeries because women think that there’s a standard for physical perfection. Could you just imagine the full-scale psychosis that would ensue if that was something we could actually measure? Same goes for football and everything else, only on a less estrogenical level. Keep the bar set at “above average”or below. That way, we won't feel so bad when we fail. We can just shrug our shoulders and say, "Hey, nobody's perfect" and still feel okay about ourselves. Well, except for us Paloozers because Black Bart just fucked that up for us.
At least if the Colts, Trojans, or Longhorns go undefeated it won't be a new phenomenon in the NFL or College Football. There have been plenty of no-loss college national champions and Daddy Shula's Dolphins have been popping champagne for more than a quarter century now. But Bart's perfect week was a kidney punch we hadn't experienced before and quite honestly weren't really ready for. But it happened. So what do we do? Go on with the knowledge that no matter how good a week you have, you can never top 18-0? Or maybe we'll just have to use it as motivation and accept Barts' Week 13 as a sign of his superior brilliance. Or maybe............maybe we all agree to wipe Bart from all Palooza documents, return his money to him, and go on as if he never existed, swearing to never speak of him again, and thus giving back to each of us our false senses of self-worth and accomplishment.
Dare I say it but, that sounds like the perfect idea.
Now, on with the Matchups…..
Bears at Steelers-
Show of hands........who else wanted to jam a live snapping turtle up Hines Ward's sphincter when he was doing the Ickey Shuffle last Sunday?
Browns at Bengals-
Chad Johnson guaranteed that the Bengals would score at least 40 points a game for the rest of the regular season. The funniest part of that statement is that it actually doesn't seem that ridiculous. Who Dey, baby!
Texans at Titans-
For the love of God, please divert your eyes! Just a glimspe of this unholy matchup could turn your eyes to stone and melt the flesh from your bones.
Jaguars at Colts-
For the record, Jags quarterback David Garrard shall henceforth be referred to as "Kevin Mitchell". Please make a note of it.
Patriots at Bills-
Hey Corey Dillon and Takeo Spikes,..... Eat shit muthafuckas!
Raiders at Jets-
J-E-T-S Suck, Suck, Suck!!!
Rams at Vikings-
When the Vikes got out to an ugly 2-5 start I thought they were as dead as Emilio Estevez' career. Now they're 7-5 and in the thick of the Wildcard race. Unbelievable. Maybe Emilio should take a clue from the Vikings and go rent a yacht & bang some trashy Minnesota whore to turn his luck around. Hey, could somebody get Prince on the phone please?
Bucs at Panthers-
Ever notice that I always type "Bucs"? It's because I'm really not sure if you spell it Buccaneers, Bucanneers, or Buccanneers.
Giants at Eagles-
Andy Reid's brain on Tuesday morning: Mike McMahon or Koy Dettmer?, Mike McMahon or Koy Dettmer?, Mike McMahon or Koy Dettmer?, Fuck me in the ass or Fuck me in the ass?....
Niners at Seahawks-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to Hell!!!!!!!
Redskins at Cardinals-
Two former division rivals battle for absolutely nothing, this Sunday on FOX!
Ravens at Broncos-
Hasn't it been nice to go through almost an entire season without having to hear anything come out of Ray Lewis' pie hole?
Chiefs at Cowboys-
Apparently Drew Bledsoe has missed a couple of interest payments to Satan.
Dolphins at Chargers-
Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't Sage a stripper's name?
Lions at Packers-
ESPN's Sunday Night Showdown!
Seriously, I think a brilliant move would be for ESPN to say nothing and just have Patrick, Theisman and McGuire do play-by-play of an old Detroit-Green Bay game from like 1997 when Brett Favre and Barry Sanders were in their primes. Would anyone complain? Yes. Would anyone outside of Green Bay complain? No. Would it be hilarious? Yes. What are we waiting for?- go find that tape!
(Monday Night) Saints at Falcons-
Are you ready for a beat-down?! A Monday Night bloodbath!
Sidenote: Hey Falcon fans, sure Ron Mexico is the most athletic herpes-infested football player on the planet, but go ahead & take a good look at Aaron Brooks. That's what R-Mex is going to look like when he loses a step. Not good times.
Posted by Smitty