Dec 2, 2010
Fitzy's Beard, A McRib Joke, Warding-Off Things, Prince, Principal Skinner, Seal Doing Pacino, Dermot Mulroney, Color Me Badd, and a Conspiracy
So, Andre Johnson tears off Cortland Finnegan’s helmet, throws a couple of haymakers at him and the Commish fines him just $25,000 and there’s no suspension? Really? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad Johnson tried to beat him into the ground like a tent stake. Finnegan’s a dirty punk who started it and was baiting Johnson the whole game. Plus, his name is Cortland Finnegan, so that should be good for at least one mandatory beating per season. But at a time when defensive backs trying to make a play are getting fined and suspended for helmet to helmet contact while in the fast and frenzied chaos of a play, we have two guys who rip off each other’s helmets, start swinging at each other’s heads and neither gets an involuntary vacation? The statement issued by the NFL states that suspending Johnson would put the Texans at a “competitive disadvantage” for their game this Thursday Night against the Eagles. Uh, no kidding. And since when did the relative importance of a player to his team have any bearing on whether he gets suspended for actions which warrant a suspension? Did the Commish take that into consideration when he suspended the late Chris Henry? How about when he suspended Ben Roethlisberger? How about Brian Cushing? Vincent Jackson? Santonio Holmes? Antwan Odom? Johnny Jolly? No, he didn’t. But there’s one rather large difference between all of those players and Andre Johnson. The difference, as noted by many others in many other places already, is that those players didn’t have a game coming up the following Thursday Night on the NFL Network. You know, the network owned by the NFL? Thus the name, NFL Network. I don’t think we need Jessie Ventura’s Conspiracy Theory team to do any legwork on this one, do we?
It’s fair to note that the Raiders Richard Seymour was also fined $25,000 and not suspended for his one-punch fight and knockdown of ROFLsberger the week before. Seymour’s actions (as awesome as they were) also should have been met with a suspension. Suspending players for hitting another player in the head while his helmet is on but not suspending players for tearing off another player’s helmet and then proceeding to hit him in the head is preposterous. It’s like if cops started taking people to jail for non-alcohol related traffic accidents but decided to simply write tickets to anyone who decided to start pulling people out of their cars and beating them in the middle of the street.
Now I’m sure that the league’s PR people will find a new way to spin this by the time the Texans and Eagles kickoff on Thursday night but the damage has already been done. Both Roger Goodell and as a byproduct, the league itself, have lost some credibility over this matter. This is the type of blatant disparate greed-based treatment you’d normally only find in a Central American courtroom or a WWE storyline involving Vince McMahon. It’s a bad move by the NFL but there is a potentially very luminous bright side to all of this. If you’re an NFL player this week with an axe to grind and you’ve got $25,000 to spare, you can feel free, without fear of suspension, to rip another guy’s helmet off and start a round of rock’em sock’em right there on the field. Here’s hoping some players take the opportunity and the NFL turns into the NHL or maybe even the WWE for a weekend. And if you’re on a team playing in the NFL Network’s Thursday night game next week, you’re probably even safe if you want to come off the sidelines with a folding chair. Who’s playing next Thursday night anyway? The Colts and the Titans? Seriously? I’m looking at you, Cortland Finnegan.
Bring on the matchups!
Texans at Eagles-
Philly’s secondary was exposed a bit last Sunday in Chicago but they’ve got a long way to go to be as bad as Houston’s . Their DBs have been exposed as easily shreddable since Week 1. You know what else is exposed? Me. Right now. I’m sitting at Panera Bread typing away and wearing just a bathrobe and my steel toed boots. I sometimes open the robe a little to let in a cool draft. They like me here.
Pick: Eagles, 30-20
Bills at Vikings-
I was going to mention that Bills head coach Chan Gailey is the most famous man (if not the only one) in America named Chan. I was. But last week I mentioned right here in this space that Vikings interim head coach Leslie Frazier was now the second most famous man named Leslie, right behind Leslie Nielsen and then Leslie Nielsen died on Sunday. Since I don’t necessarily want Chan Gailey dead nor do I wish to tempt mysterious powers at work, I’ll instead talk about how spunky his team has been. Since their bye week , they’re 2-4 with the four losses being an overtime loss to the Steelers last week that slipped through Stevie Johnson’s fingers, an overtime loss to the Ravens, and losses to the Bears and Chiefs by just three points each. They’re spunky, spunky I tell you. The team is spunky and Ryan Fitzpatrick’s beard is funky. It doesn’t mean they’re good, just spunky and funky enough to keep it close.
Pick: Vikings, 26-24
Browns at Dolphins-
We’re getting reports of a lot of moist thongs up in the Cleve-….I almost forgot, we’re talking about Cleveland, let’s start again…. We’re getting reports of a lot of moist thermal underwear and granny panties up in the Cleveland area over this Peyton Hillis kid. I can’t say I’m surprised. He’s a good-looking kid, good personality, built like a tank and running the ball like the 2000’s version of Larry Csonka. I’m guessing he’s soaking up all the adulation that was floating around searching for a benefactor after King James left town. Speaking of LeBron, I wonder if he’ll be in the stands for this one? Ten bucks says he is in the stands but he’s not wearing this….
Pick: Browns, 17-16
Jaguars at Titans-
So it looks as if the Rusty Smith Era in Tennessee is, um….over.
His legacy as a starting NFL quarterback, as it stands, is 0-1 with zero touchdowns, three interceptions, 138 yards passing and a QB rating of 26.7. Most pro quarterbacks could do better drunk and on one good leg. Just ask Joe Namath. In any case, it’s probably all for the best if for no other reason than the fact that Rusty is just a horrible name for a quarterback. If you want your son to grow up to be a successful NFL quarterback, do him and yourself a favor and do not name him Rusty. As a matter of fact, as a public service to all of you Dads out there, here’s a complete list of names you might want to stay away from when naming your sons…
Timorous (look it up)
And if you’re a young man who has one of these names and aspire to be a successful NFL quarterback someday, may I suggest that you start going by your middle name, use your initials, change your first name altogether, or maybe even take a cue from Prince and switch your name to a symbol. If you like the symbol idea, be careful, because just like there are names to avoid, there are symbols you may want to make sure to stay away from as well. Here are some examples of those…
Pick: Jaguars, 20-10
Saints at Bengals-
This week, Drew Brees was named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year for leading the Saints to their first ever Super Bowl championship and also for his work in helping to lead the city of New Orleans back from the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina. In a related story, the Bengals stink like the stagnant sewage water that filled the streets of New Orleans shortly after the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina.
Oh, and before I forget, my wife sent me this video which I had completely forgotten about. What better way to pay tribute to Leslie Nielsen here this week than with this video. Unfortunately, it still sounds timely.
Pick: Saints, 31-17
Broncos at Chiefs-
Do you know what Josh McDaniels and the McRib have in common?
It looks like they’re both only going to be around for a limited time. zing!
McDaniels was ratted-out by a member of his staff last week for having knowledge of an unauthorized taping of a Niners practice the week both teams were in London and was subsequently fined $50,000 by the league. Apparently this did not sit well with owner Pat Bowlen who’s already got to be keenly aware that most Bronco fans want McDaniels gone yesterday. Bowlen issued a written statement a couple days ago and in it said, “…with five games left in the 2010 season, we will continue to monitor the progress of the team and evaluate what’s in the best interest of this franchise.” Not exactly a ringing endorsement. Plus, the better Jay Cutler plays in Chicago, the worse McDaniels looks. The better Brandon Marshall does in Miami, the worse McDaniels looks. The longer it takes Tim Tebow to throw passes in a meaningful game, the worse McDaniels looks. The better Bill Belichick does without him in New England, the worse McDaniels looks. There are also reports that McDaniels was recently spotted wearing white socks with dress sandals. If that turns out to be true, I’d bounce him before lunch.
Oh, and don’t forget that their game this Sunday is one that Chiefs head coach Todd Haley has had circled on his calendar in a ring of dried blood since minutes after their first matchup in Denver a few weeks ago. Haley accused McDaniels of running up the score on him and met him at midfield after the game with a pointed finger instead of a handshake. Me thinks that the suddenly recharged Chiefs offense could make turnabout fair play this weekend.
Pick: Chiefs, 44-20
Redskins at Giants-
It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time! (extra special video edition)
Pick: Giants, 28-13
Bears at Lions-
Bears offensive coordinator Mike Martz must’ve had a come-to-Jesus talk with someone because after watching his five-lane turnstile of an offensive line nearly get jay Cutler killed in the first half of the season, he’s gone more to the running game and to using a heavier mix of quick, three-step drops in the passing game. The result has been more completions, more touchdowns, less interceptions, and Cutler’s no longer losing feeling in his extremities, nor has he been found crawling away from the Bears practice facility anymore and mouthing “Help me” to passing motorists.
Pick: Bears, 23-10
Niners at Packers-
I noticed a couple weeks ago that Niners head coach Mike Singletary wears a fairly large wooden cross around his neck while patrolling the sidelines.
He’s either making a grand statement for his faith or he’s warding off evil spirits, or both. Actually, for all I know he could also have cloves of garlic in his pocket and be protecting himself from vampires. I got that right, didn’t I? yeah, crosses and garlic ward off vampires, silver bullets are for werewolves, and foam cheese heads ward off attractive women.
Pick: Packers, 24-13
Raiders at Chargers-
Principal Skinner has the Electric Sperm Army performing like a well-oiled machine ready to roll over anyone or anything in its way throughout the rest of the season until they ultimately fall apart in the playoffs with a whimper, a few gurgles and then accentuated with a well-timed puff of black smoke.
Pick: Chargers, 34-17
Falcons at Buccaneers-
The 7-4 Bucs are now 7-0 against teams with losing records and 0-4 against teams with winning records. The Falcons are 9-2. But, as our favorite Oompa Loompa, Lee Corso, is fond of saying, “Not so fast my friend!” The Bucs gave the Ravens a good fight last week, they’re playing this one in Tampa, and it just feels like the Gods of NFL Parity are due to smack the Falcons in the ass. Plus, Raheem Morris’ tirade at the officials last Sunday was epic. It was like watching Seal do an impression of Al Pacino in Glengarry Glen Ross. After seeing that, there’s no way his team doesn’t go balls-out for him this Sunday.
Pick: Buccaneers, 24-21
Cowboys at Colts-
If the Colts season was an old Cowboys & Indians movie, Peyton Manning would be on his back, tied to the railroad tracks with a train steaming around the bend and all of his compadres lying injured in the weeds. Good thing for him it’s not a Cowboys & Indians movie. It’s really more of a romantic comedy. I’m expecting Dermot Mulroney to show up any minute now and propose to him.
Pick: Colts, 23-16
Rams at Cardinals-
Good Lord, the NFC West is simply a travesty. It’s a travesty wrapped in a mockery, covered in disgrace and jammed inside the anus of a shameful and inept platypus. Honestly, I haven’t seen a group of four members this untalented and unentertaining since Color Me Badd broke up in 2000.
Pick: Rams, 27-13
Panthers at Seahawks-
The John Fox Farewell Tour heads to Seattle!
Pick: Seahawks, 23-13
Steelers at Ravens-
Over/Under on the number of players who will have to get helped off the field in this game: 6
Over/Under on the number of players who I’d like to see have to get helped off the field in this game: 26
Over/Under on the number of quarterback sacks in this game: 9
Over/Under on the number of times I’d like to see ROFLsberger get sacked in this game: 49
Over/Under on the number of times my buddy Mike will yell out “(Blank) a bunch of Steelers” at the television while we’re watching this game: 14
Over/Under on the amount of Sam Adams that gets downed at my place during this one: 72 ounces more than I will be able to remember
Pick: Steelers, 24-20
Jets at Patriots-
The Jets built their defense to beat New England with Revis, Cromartie and Leonhard in the secondary. Shortly after they beat the Patriots in Week One, Bill Belichick dealt Randy Moss away for draft picks, mandating the reinvention of their offense on the fly, and now has the league’s #1-ranked offense mainly by throwing to their two young tight ends and to former Jet Danny Woodhead out of the backfield. He is an evil genius.
Pick: Patriots, 26-21
Posted by Smitty