So it’s Thanksgiving week, a time to get together with family we like and family we don’t like to eat too much, maybe drink too much and give thanks for all of our blessings. Just in case I drink too much and pass out before we say grace, I wanted to put down in writing most of the things that I’m thankful for so that I can print it out and pin it to my shirt. Here goes….
This Thanksgiving, I’m most thankful for:
My wife and daughters, my Dad, sisters, nephews, nieces and in-laws, still having a job, my huge wiener, my ability to exaggerate, KFC’s new Doublicious sandwich, my friends, Makers Mark 46, adults who speak with a lisp, Sofia Vergara holding a handgun, my flat screen LED television, the collective works of Pink Floyd, the color blue, the collective works of Huey Lewis and the News, crisp autumn mornings, Cocoa Krispies, Krispy Kremes, Twinkies, Sour Patch Kids, the use of my thumbs, terrycloth bathrobes, Zach Galifinakis, Greek salads, Peggy Olsen, Charlie Day, Green Man, Red Vines, the Blues, the White Stripes, the collective works of Chuck Klosterman, the DVR, the uncanny ability of complete strangers to identify my need for personal space and to leave me the hell alone, good conversations, that I’m a people person, those E-Trade commercials with the talking baby, the Adam Carolla Podcast, Chipotle burritos, bikinis, miniskirts, sweater monkeys, girls with short skirts and a long jackets, Chesters Pizza, movies, water, bacon, bananas, goetta, Manwich meals, The Rockford Files on DVD, my iPod Touch, the English language, my college degree, my fantastic collection of neckties, my ability to keep a secret, cold water, that Tommy is cheating on Gina with Stacy and nobody knows about it except for me and now all of you, hot water, hot towels, hot sauce, Cincinnati chili, the oceans, the mountains, the forests, the sun, the moon, the stars, all of God’s creatures with the exception of Joy Behar, Keith Olbermann, Lady Gaga, Nancy Grace, Janeane Garofalo, Osama Bin Laden, Kim Jung Il, Ben Roethlisberger and snakes…., magnolia trees, Mountain Dew Icees, Heath Bars, Irish pubs, baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, getting laid, football, basketball, all sports except Quidditch which is just a serious cry for help, , the inability of 17th and 18th century native American Indians to properly appraise the value of land, and that I was born into the greatest damn nation in the history of the world- the United States of America.
Now if you would, please pass the gravy and Bring on the Matchups!
Turkey Day
Patriots at Lions-
Someday the Lions will be tougher than a truck stop turkey leg and they’ll knock the stuffing out of some unsuspecting team on Thanksgiving in front of the whole country. Sadly for Lions fans, that someday is not this Thursday. This Thursday, they’re likely to get rolled, mashed like a potato, candied like a yam and sliced up like a pumpkin pie.
(I know that was lame but my pal Johnny B. was drunk the other night and offered me five dollars for each mention of a Thanksgiving Day food on the blog this week, so I figured I’d get it out of the way early. Johnny, you owe me thirty dollars.)
Pick: Patriots, 31-20
Saints at Cowboys-
The ‘Boys have won two straight since Jason Garrett took over as interim head coach. Jerry Jones is apparently so impressed that he asked the league office if he could take the interim tag off and go ahead and give Garrett the official title without adhering to the Rooney Rule, which states that you must interview at least one qualified minority candidate for any head coaching vacancies. The league said no, unless it is determined that Garrett is actually one of the Wayans Brothers dressed up in white face.
Pick: Saints, 24-13
Bengals at Jets-
I’m out of words to describe the crime scene otherwise known as The Cincinnati Bengals 2010 Season. Please enjoy this classic clip and keep in mind that the management at WKRP was NASA-like in its preparation and quality control compared to what’s been going on in the offices at Paul Brown Stadium. And now, quite appropriately, I give you the execution of a horrible game plan involving turkeys and disaster in Cincinnati….
WKRP Turkey Drop from Mitch Cohen on Vimeo.
Pick: Jets, 30-14
Sunday
Jaguars at Giants-
The Jags are averaging 22 points per game on offense.
The Giants are allowing opponents to score an average of 22 points per game.
The Giants are averaging 25 points per game on offense.
The Jags are allowing opponents to score an average of 27 points per game.
You do the math.
Pick: Giants, 26-22
Vikings at Redskins-
So the Vikes finally cut loose Brad Childress. The players and many of the fans sitting in the second level seats in the Metrodome who were often blinded by the lights reflecting off of Childress’ sweaty bald head are very thankful for this move. It also elevates defensive coordinator Leslie Frazier to interim head coach and instantly vaults him to #2 on the current list of Most Famous Men Named Leslie, right behind Leslie Nielsen and just ahead of Leslie Cochran. Who’s Leslie Cochran? Surely you’re kidding?
Pick: Vikings, 24-19
I’m really sorry about that. Here, let’s cleanse the visual palate….
We all good mow? Okay, moving on….
Packers at Falcons-
Reheat the Turkey Day leftovers and grab yourself a sixer! I’m as excited as a ten year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert just thinking about this one. Speaking of that Bieber kid, did anyone else watch The American Music Awards last week? Of course you didn’t , and why would you? Well, just in case your wife recorded it like mine did, here’s the Cliff’s Notes version to save you both the pain of watching it:
Rhianna lip synching, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber’s hair, Hannah Montana flanked by rappers, Kid Rock mailing it in, Fergie’s legs, Bieber, Bieber, Katy Perry’s boobs lip synching, Bieber praying, a shell of the former Bon Jovi, pregnant Pink lip synching, Taylor Swift looking all grown up and not lip synching (how dare her), Bieber, Usher, Bieber, Usher, a now thick-thighed Christina Aguilera, a lame Train song, a Lady Gaga wanna-be, a Santana-Gavin Rossdale disaster, Bieber, weird Old Navy commercials, more Bieber, more Bieber, more Bieber, New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys.
Pick: Bieber and the Packers, 27-23
Panthers at Browns-
The John Fox Farewell Tour heads to Cleveland and hey, look kiddies, it’s also our Tryptophan Game of the Week!
Pick: Browns, 20-10
Steelers at Bills-
The loud thud you are about to hear is the Bills offense crashing back down to earth. The even louder thud you may be hearing right now is the sound of Ben ROFLsberger being punched in the face last Sunday by Richard Seymour. I’ve been playing it on a loop in my office non-stop for the last four days.
Pick: Steelers, 20-10
Titans at Texans-
I called Jeff Fisher to see if he wanted to make our annual pilgrimage to the Wilford Brimley Memorial Mustache Aficionados Convention this weekend but his secretary said that he’ll be spending Black Friday (no pun intended) in line to return Vince Young. I sure hope he didn’t get him at Dillard’s, those ladies are real sticklers about the tags still being on the merchandise. Excuse me? Really? Wilford Brimley’s not dead? Well, that’s weird.
Pick: Texans, 24-20
Chiefs at Seahawks-
Chiefs quarterback Matt Cassel goes up against his old college coach Pete Carroll who made him sit the bench for four years at USC. That could be interesting. You know what else is interesting? The USC Song Girls.
Any excuse, you know what I’m sayin’?
Pick: Chiefs, 27-24
Dolphins at Raiders-
It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Pick: Raiders, 19-13
Eagles at Bears-
Mike Vick takes his streak of 191 pass attempts without an interception into the Windy City against a Bears defense which is tied for 2nd in the league with 15 picks this season. More importantly, Eagles head coach Andy Reid will have to board a plane within 48 hours after Thanksgiving dinner. This will be a good test for the new airport security pat downs. In particular, it will answer the question of whether someone will be able to pass through this increased security while smuggling a half pound of turkey scraps, stuffing crumbs, pie crust and half of a wishbone in their lady tickler.
Pick: Bears, 23-20
Buccaneers at Ravens-
Raise your hand if you knew the Bucs record was 7-3. Liar!
They’ve flown under the radar mainly because they’ve gotten to 7-3 without a quality win. They’ve beaten the Browns, the Bengals, the Rams, the Cardinals, the Niners, and the Panthers (twice). In other words, seven wins against teams with a combined record of 17-44. In their three games against teams with a winning record, Tampa Bay has gone 0-3 and been outscored 96-40. They remind me of this guy named Travis who hung out a west side bar we used to frequent back in the early 90’s. Travis was skinny with glasses, a cheesy mustache, liked to roll the cuffs of his acid washed jeans and always seemed about five years older than everybody else. He constantly struck out with any girl who was hot and/or had half a brain but he was a friggin’ hit with any chick who had a skin condition, excess facial hair, excess body weight, a butter face, or was drunk beyond at least three times the legal limit.
Pick: Ravens, 21-14
Rams at Broncos-
The Wild Goats vs the Wild Horses in the Wild West! It’s gonna be one heckuva Mild time!
Did you see what I did there? You were expecting Wild but I typed Mild. I’ve told you before, I’m clever. Seriously though, this one has all the drama of a Tyler Perry movie. It’s just two teams with so-so records who are kinda still in their divisional races but even if they do somehow make the playoffs won’t make any noise. Outside of Rams fans, Broncos fans and hardcore gamblers who put down this month’s rent on this one, this game cannot possibly excite you. If it does, then either your name is Gus Johnson and/or you really need to put down the meth pipe.
Pick: Broncos, 23-17
Chargers at Colts-
Here we have two solid teams wearing white helmets who are still hanging in there despite having lost more than their fair share of players this season. You know another group that fits that description? That’s right, the stormtroopers. Now I’m not a big Star Wars fan, in fact, I’ve only seen the original three and thought they all kinda sucked. But, I do love me the funny stormtrooper pics.
Pick: Death Star Chargers, 26-20
Monday Night
Niners at Cardinals-
If you watch this game, and you know you probably will, whenever the Cardinals offense is on the field, think about this video and see if you notice the resemblance….
Pick: Niners, 19-12
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