So I’m watching the midterm election results on Tuesday night, or as I like to call it, Super Bowl Tuesday for the cable news stations. After about an hour, I’ve settled into a pretty solid surfing rotation which includes Fox News, CNBC, CNN, MSNBC (every so often just to get me riled up), and to round things out and cleanse the mental palate, the NFL Network. Not long into the evening, a few things quickly became very clear….
If you were running for office and had an “R” next to your name, you probably had a good night. Unless you lived in California or recently had to run an ad campaign ad refuting reports by opponents that you were an actual witch. Seriously.
Fox, hands-down, has the hottest female reporters. If you’re an attractive, leggy blonde between the ages of 25-35 and can say the word “gubernatorial” without screwing it up, odds are that you’re on Fox News’ payroll right now.
CNN will hire anyone. An-y-one. Exhibit A: Eliot Spitzer was front & center on their election “experts” panel. Yes, that Eliot Spitzer. Jesus, were Rod Blagojevich, Charlie Sheen and Satan not available?
With apologies to Jackie Childs, the fact that all of these networks can call a winner with just 2% of the vote being counted is ludicrous, preposterous…outrageous.
Keith Olbermann is clearly the most bitterly unhappy human being who has ever walked the earth. At a reasonably far distance behind him and in second place is Janeane Garofalo, followed in third place by Lewbert, the doorman with the huge facial wart on iCarly.
Brit Hume is clearly the closest thing cable news has to Don Corleone. No matter what was going on in the Fox studio, no matter how many people were yammering or how heated it was, any time Brit opened his mouth, everyone immediately stopped talking, turned to face him and let him speak uninterrupted. I was honestly expecting the rest of the panel to line up and kiss his ring at the end of the evening.
CNBC wins for best-looking Aussie, running Amanda Drury unopposed.
MSNBC’s Chuck Todd wins for best use of an interactive video wall by someone who looks like Principal Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
Anyone living in Nevada would’ve been best served to bypass both names on the ticket and submit a write-in vote for Wayne Newton as your next senator.
If the rest of our nation’s companies would over-employ like CNN does, we could put an end to the unemployment compensation program. CNN had at least a dozen people packed into two desks, all wanting to open their spin holes at the same time, vying for the attention of the ever-circling and seemingly sedated Anderson Cooper. It was like watching a nest full of hatchlings begging Mama Bird for a worm.
And finally, the whole evening would’ve been much more enjoyable had the NFL Network covered the elections. Rich Eisen, Warren Sapp, Mooch, maybe a couple of the blondes from Fox News and that Aussie chick from CNBC, throw in some hi-tech interactive electoral map video boards, a blow up pool full of pudding and a smoosh room, and you’ve got gold, my friends.
Now, with 98% of the precincts reporting, bring on the matchups!
Jets at Lions-
After a bye week followed by a shutout at the hands of the Packers, Tater Salad’s Jets haven’t scored in nearly three weeks. That’s a mere 171 weeks shy of the record set by my buddy Joey A. while we were in college at Miami U back in the early 90’s.
Pick: Jets, 19-10
Buccaneers at Falcons-
My sources are telling me they can now confirm the details of Raheem Morris’ deal with the devil. These sources report that the deal includes a playoff berth in exchange for ownership of Morris’ soul for three years after his death, two Buccaneers cheerleaders, a time share in St. Pete, a 50-ft catamaran, and the clear title to the Bucs end zone pirate ship. Sources also say that the deal is now in jeopardy as the devil’s attorneys have discovered that the pirate ship does not have the juice bar, exercise room or designated ceremonial pagan sacrifice area below deck as was originally promised.
Pick: Falcons, 27-17
Chargers at Texans-
If this game was the scene in Weird Science where Kelly LeBrock passes Robert Downey Jr and his buddy on opposing escalators, shoots them a simulated kiss and they fall all over themselves trying to climb up the center divider to get over to her, then the Chargers would be Kelly LeBrock and the Texans would be Robert Downey Jr and the other guy. Not that the Texans want to get with the Chargers (although Norv Turner is a very handsome man) but what I’m saying is that we’re at that point in the season when the Chargers start climbing back to the top and when the Texans start to fade, fall over themselves, and start hating themselves so much that they eventually displace their anger and ease their pain by pouring red Icees from a second level railing onto two unsuspecting dweebs who are sitting below waiting on the hot chick they brought to life as the result of a science experiment.
Pick: Chargers, 31-24
Saints at Panthers-
Surprisingly low: The Saints have the 9th ranked offense in the NFL right now.
Surprisingly high: The Saints have the 3rd ranked defense in the NFL right now.
Surprisingly pathetic: The Panthers have the worst-ranked offense in the NFL right now, have been intercepted a league-high 13 times , have a league-worst -10 turnover differential and are scoring a league-low 12.1 points per game (that’s almost five points per game worst than the next closest pathetic offense- Cleveland).
Surprisingly delicious- Jeremiah Weed’s Cherry Mash. Now that I’ve discovered it, this holiday season is going to be a little sketchy for anyone relying on me for anything.
Pick: Saints, 21-13
Bears at Bills-
Raise your hand if you realized that the Bills were still winless……. Okay, raise your hand if you’re not a Bills fan and you realized that the Bills were still winless…… LIAR!
Sure, they’ve gone to overtime in Baltimore and KC the last two weeks and that’s fairly admirable but they’ve still got a chance at achieving a perfectly awful season. But I still like them better than the Bears this week and Vegas has them as only a three-point dog. What does that say about the Bears? That Mike Martz is an overrated offensive coordinator, that Jay Cutler is an interception machine, that their offensive line is a five lane turnstile? Yes, yes and yes. It also means that The Lovie Smith Farewell Tour is headed to Buffalo!
Pick: Bears, 23-13
Cardinals at Vikings-
So let me get this straight…. The Vikes trade for Randy Moss, the same Randy Moss who misbehaved and ran his mouth so much during his first stint in Minnesota that they banished him to Oakland. Then a mere four weeks after bringing him back, he publicly questions a fourth down decision and criticizes the quality of some catered food in the locker room and head coach Brad Childress is so shocked and appalled that he puts him on waivers? Really? Isn’t that a little like inviting Charlie Sheen to join the guys for a golf weekend and then being shocked to find him face down in a sand trap at 3am lying naked next to a slew of empty vodka bottles, a horny gopher, two passed out hookers and a sand rake mysteriously covered in petroleum jelly? Yes, it is exactly like that.
Pick: Vikings, 17-14
Patriots at Browns-
New England is #1 in the league in scoring, averaging 29 points per game.
Cleveland is second to last in the league in scoring, averaging 17 points per game.
Don’t over-think the tank.
Pick: Patriots, 29-17
Colts at Eagles-
It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Pick: Colts, 27-26
Chiefs at Raiders-
Hey kids look- it’s the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Whoa, um, uh, hang on a minute there. Sorry, force of habit.
KC is #1 in the NFL in rushing and Oakland is #2 so this game is a simple one to figure out. It’s going to come down to four guys: Jamaal Charles & Thomas Jones for KC and Darren McFadden & Michael Bush for Oakland. Who’s gonna outrun who? And come to think of it, it’s probably also going to come down to turnovers. Definitely. And maybe special teams, especially if there’s a blocked kick or a runback or something. Oh, and penalties. The Raiders reek of penalties and those could be costly. And don’t forget passing the ball and avoiding sacks, that’s important, too. That’s about it. It all comes down to that. And clock management, injuries, crowd noise and the coin toss. Definitely don’t underestimate the importance of the coin toss.
Pick: Chiefs, 23-20
Dolphins at Ravens-
Did you know that the Dolphins have a fight song?
Did you know that T-Pain (I don’t know either) made it worse and drunk white people like to dance to it?
Pick: Ravens, 17-15
Giants at Seahawks-
Speaking of tanks, the Seahawks went into one last week, getting crushed by the Raiders in Oakland and losing five starters to injuries before the end of that horror show. One of the guys they lost was quarterback Matt Hasselbeck who suffered a concussion on one of the eight (yes, eight) times he was sacked. Meanwhile, the Giants, rested after being on leave last week, are coming all the way across country with the #3 offense in the league and a four-game winning streak. That’s it. I’ve got nothin’. Here’s a picture of some Corona cans.
You're welcome.
Pick: Giants, 26-17
Cowboys at Packers-
The Boys are 1-6, have Jon Kitna at quarterback, and are traveling to take on a surging Packers team that boasts the #4 defense in the league fresh off of a shutout of the Jets last Sunday.
So who do you think feels more insecure about his job future right now, Wade Phillips or Barack Obama?
Pick: Packers, 24-13
Monday Night
Steelers at Bengals-
If Ben Roethlisberger was a US senator, he would’ve been kicked out of office a long time ago and be sitting on an election night panel over at CNN by now. But since he’s not a senator and instead an NFL quarterback, he’s back at work and getting cheered on by a bunch of dirt squirrels waving yellow towels above their heads. Sorry if I sound bitter but there’s nothing worse than having the Steelers come to your town and bringing all of their wretched, loudmouthed faithful along with them. The only good thing about it is that it provides an otherwise nonexistent opportunity for the local drug stores to sell off their working supply and any back stock of canker sore ointments, head lice combs, toenail fungus creams, and these….
Pick: Steelers, 24-16
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