Nov 17, 2010
A Blackout, The Golden Child, Mt. Greenie, Del Rio's DWTD, Daniel Snyder's Anus, Running Into Your Ex, Hasselwursts, and a Potential Pwnage
So the Bengals game is blacked out this Sunday. It's the NFL's way of saying, "Hey, you don't want to fil up a 60,000 seat publicly funded stadium to watch an underachieving 2-7 football team play against a horribly untalented 1-8 football team? Fine. Then, we're not televising it. Take some time to think about what you've done and come back out when you're ready to apologize." Really? Screw you, NFL. As far as I'm concerned this is the equivalent of a mercy killing. If this horsecrap game was televised, I would, like a junkie with a silver tray of cocaine placed in front of him, not be able to resist the temptation. Taking it off the air means that I can start the rehab process without distraction this Sunday.
And for those of you with tickets who don't want to waste them and are going just for the socializing, I have a request. Wear black. All Black. Black shirts or jerseys, black pants, black hats, black shoes, black gloves, scarves and earmuffs if necessary. Go collectively like a Johnny Cash army. With a little twist and tongues planted firmly in cheek, make it a Blackout like UC does when all the students wear black at Nippert (and every other college does at least once a year now). As a matter of fact, this should be modus operandi from here forward. No more corporate bailouts with last minute ticket buys to ensure a sellout. If that happens, we boycott those businesses. And we the fans enter into a gentlemen's agreement to stop at least one seat short of a sellout. No one buys the last available ticket. If you do, we tie you to a log and send you down the river. This will enable those who attend the game to be part of a movement and a perverbial thumb in the eye of the NFL and, of course, Mike Brown. And it will take temptation off the table for those who want to kick this horrible addiction. Spread the word.
Now, bring on the matchups!
Bears at Dolphins-
The Fish lost their top two quarterbacks last Sunday against the Titans. Henne’s out with a bad knee and Pennington’s out for the season with an injured shoulder. This means three things: 1) somebody in the Sporano family is likely to “pay a visit” to Titans practice sometime this week, 2) Tyler Thigpen will get the start at quarterback, and 3) we’re gonna see a whole bunch of The Wildcat sneak back into their playbook real fast. And for those of you who are not familiar with Tyler Thigpen, here’s what you need to know… Tyler was born and raised in South Carolina, attended Coastal Carolina University and is a three year NFL veteran. Tyler is an Aries who likes football, hayrides, collecting Archie comics and long walks on the beach. If you’d like to meet Tyler, he’ll be at Sun Life Stadium this Sunday. He’ll have a very confused look on his face and will be the one wearing the only one wearing a white #16 jersey.
Pick: Bears, 20-16
Ravens at Panthers-
Like the Dolphins, the Panthers may also be down to their #3 quarterback. Due to Matt Moore being placed on IR and Jimmy Claussen suffering a concussion last Sunday, Carolina will turn to rookie Tony Pike. Tony is a native of Cincinnati and a graduate of the University of Cincinnati. He’s a Pisces who likes football, video games, autumn sunsets, and he dabbles in kite making. If you’d like to meet Tony and have passed our screening process, you can find him this Sunday afternoon on the field at Bank of America Stadium. He’ll be the tall skinny guy in the black #16 jersey laying on the ground and wincing a lot.
Pick: Ravens, 28-13
Bills at Bengals-
After last week’s performance, Carson Palmer now has thrown a career NFL record 91 straight interceptions which were not his fault. To Palmer’s credit, he took the responsibility for the picks but as is customary, no one that Palmer reports to would put any of the blame on his shoulders. He’s become the epitome of a Golden Child. I just can’t believe that up to this point we haven’t seen Eddie Murphy show up to rescue him from a large gilded cage suspended in the middle of a temple and whisk him away to safety. Not that he would but it’s gotten to a point where I believe Palmer could throw eleven interceptions this Sunday, pull his pants down and defecate on the field, set fire to the locker room, walk up into the stands and run a Samurai sword through a concession worker, publicly sodomize the mascot, and Marvin would blame the wide receivers and tight ends for running the wrong routes, the offensive line for poor pass protection, the locker room furniture for not being fire retardant, the concession worker for being too mouthy and the mascot for dressing too provocatively.
Pick: Bills, 23-20
Texans at Jets-
After two straight overtime wins against the Bills and the Browns, I can’t tell if the Jets are lucky, good, both or neither. All I know is that I want the Jets to lose. I want them to lose often, lose badly, and if possible, lose their quarterback, I want these things simply with the hope that it would lead to the emotional if not complete and utter demise of Mike Greenberg. If you don’t know who that is, consider yourself blessed. But for purposes of clarity, he is known as “Greenie”, the skinny and uber-annoying half of ESPN’s Mike & Mike radio show, and he’s the only thing that stands between me and an enjoyable ride to work listening to sports radio. Listening to him is akin to listening to the dorkiest kid in your junior high talking through his nose about sports and crack unfunny jokes while simultaneously scratching his nails across a chalkboard. To make things worse, he loves the Jets and has what can only be described as an unhealthy infatuation with Mark Sanchez. As I’ve mentioned before, my hope is that someday a horrible Jets losing streak couple with the demise of Mark Sanchez will cause Greenie to climb to the top of his own huge ego and jump off, leaving nothing but a greasy spot on the pavement left by his metro sexual hair gel. In my mind, it goes something like this….
Golic: Greenie! Hey Greenie, where are you?
Greenberg: I’m up here, Golic.
Golic: Up where?
Greenberg: Put down the breakfast burrito and look up.
Golic: Oh, hey. What are you doing up on Mt. Greenie?
Greenberg: Mt. Greenie?
Golic: Yeah, that’s what the rest of us here call your ego.
Greenberg: What?! I don’t have an ego.
Golic: Oh yes you do Greenie and it’s huge.
Greenberg: No, I don’t.
Golic: You do.
Greenberg: I do not have a huge ego and quite frankly, I resent the implication.
Golic: Oh yes you do, you just haven’t noticed it because it’s hidden behind so much faux humility and disingenuous self-deprecation.
Greenberg: Those are big words for you, Golic, be careful not to hurt yourself.
Golic: Me be careful? You be careful. What are you doing way up there anyway?
Greenberg: I can’t take it anymore. The Jets are terrible, Mark Sanchez is done and he also renewed the restraining order against me…. It’s all just too much. I’m going to end it all, Golic. I mean it.
Golic: No you’re not. Come on down from there and we’ll talk.
Greenberg: Nope, you can’t change my mind, I’m gonna do it. I’ve already talked it over with my shrink on the Subway Fresh Take Hotline and I’ve also left a six hundred page note explaining my reasons and offering my goodbyes and thanks to all of our sponsors, all of our guests who have so graciously let me kiss their backsides without shame and to all of our friends like Shefty, CC, Stink, Buster, Starky, Mort, and anyone else with an annoying nickname with whom we’ve worked over the last decade.
Golic: Greenie, I’m not going to tell you again. Get down here right now.
Greenberg: No way. I’m not coming down and you can’t make me. By the way, everyone’s looking at me, right? Is my hair okay?
Golic: Yes, everyone’s looking at you and they think you’re ridiculous.
Greenberg: Good, I mean, I’m glad they’re looking. Please remind everyone that we were on Letterman a couple of times.
Golic: Get down here now or I’m going to dump out your Axe cologne and throw away your cuticle repair kit.
Greenberg: Okay, okay, I’m coming down but (startled, he looks behind him)… Hey, who are… AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! ……… thud.
Golic: Oh now that’s just disgusting. Hey, someone go get Eric Kuselias to take over for Greenie. Eric! Where is Kuselias?
Assistant: He’s up there eating breakfast on Mt. Kuselias.
Golic: Where’s Mt. Kuselias?
Assistant: Right over there across the valley from Mt. Van Pelt, in the shadows of the Berman Mountain Range.
Pick: Jets, 27-19
Raiders at Steelers-
Last week I called for Karma to finally show up in Pittsburgh and, well, she came through in a big way. To ensure a repeat performance from her, I’ve taken measures to put her up for the week in a nice suite at an undisclosed hotel in downtown Pittsburgh and I’ve also arranged for security and transportation to and from Heinz Field this Sunday. I’ve also stocked the suite with a gross of wax candles, handcuffs whips, ball gags, trays of fresh catered oysters on the half shell and clams casino, plus the complete collections of Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place on DVD. It turns out that Karma is a little freak with a soft spot for Aaron Spelling creations.
Pick: Raiders, 19-17
Browns at Jaguars-
While the Browns have been grabbing attention by knocking off the Pats, the Saints, and taking the jets to overtime, the Jags have quietly been surviving. In case you hadn’t noticed, the Jack Del Rio Farewell Tour has been put on hold indefinitely and last Sunday the Jags knocked off the Texans thanks to a last minute turnover, an ill-timed penalty, and a Hail Mary from midfield that was slapped right into the waiting arms of rookie wide receiver Mike Williams. Of course, as soon as I saw that “miracle”, I immediately called my undercover reporting team to check on any possible deal between Del Rio and the devil. Unfortunately, I had forgotten that my undercover reporting team was already on a story trying to confirm a rumor that Stuart Scott’s lazy eye is actually well-disguised bomb planted by a Somalian terrorist group whose plans are to remotely detonate it the next time Stu gets within twenty five feet of the President. So I then called Jessie Ventura’s Conspiracy Theory reporting team. They were able to quickly confirm that there is indeed a deal between Coach Del Rio and the Prince of Darkness. The terms of the deal are allegedly as follows: a winning record for the Jaguars this season in exchange for one-third of Del Rio’s soul, a signed picture of Del Rio wearing nothing but a Jaguar-printed banana hammock, and the Jag’s second round draft pick in 2001 which will be spun off to Lovie Smith to help complete a pending deal between Satan and the Bears.
Pick: Jaguars, 20-17
Cardinals at Chiefs-
Last Sunday, while getting torched by the Broncos 49-29, Chiefs head coach Todd Haley was more than a little cheesed off because he thought the Broncos kept their foot on the gas a little too long by leaving their starters in the whole game. Waaahh! Instead of shaking Josh McDaniel’s hand, he greeted him with a pointed finger and a few choice words. Waaahh! Luckily for him, this week his team faces the Cardinals who couldn’t run up the score on anyone if they wanted to. Speaking of the Cardinals, Haley was their offensive coordinator in 2007 and 2008. A careful inspection of the Cardinals games in 2007 and 2008 shows that they beat up on the Buffalo Bills by a score of 48-19 on Dec. 30, 2007, scoring 17 points in the final quarter and the records also show that then-stud quarterback Kurt Warner took every snap for Arizona, staying in the game until the end. Nobody likes a crybaby and nobody likes a hypocrite. Haley’s both. Crybaby/Hypocrite is a terrible combination, right up there with Fat/Stupid, Whiny/Lazy, Ugly/Conceited and Nudist/Irritable Bowel Sufferer.
Pick: Chiefs, 27-17
Redskins at Titans-
Before last week’s Monday Night game, it was announced that Donovan McNabb (who’s 34 years old next week and was benched a couple games ago) was given a five year contract extension worth $74.5 million. If I’m the DC police chief, I’m sending a couple vice cops out to search Dan Snyder’s car, house, boat, office, and anus for hallucinogens.
Pick: Titans, 24-16
Lions at Cowboys-
Well it looks as if I greatly underestimated the ability of interim head coach Jason Garrett. Either that or I greatly underestimated the sucking power of departed head coach Wade Phillips. I will not make those mistakes ever again.
Pick: Cowboys, 112-3. Wait, make that Cowboys, 119-0
Packers at Vikings-
You know how when you file for divorce then your Ex is so mad at you that she goes and marries someone you hate just to get back at you, then after you’re also remarried, you hear that your Ex and her new husband are having problems, then one day you just happen to run into them at the store and they both look worn out, beaten down and generally just miserable, then you briefly let go of your new wife’s hand long enough to jump up, raise your left arm in the air, point at your Ex with your right hand and laugh hysterically until they finally just turn and walk away?
No? Well me neither but my friend Johnny B tells me that it’s an absolutely euphoric experience. Anyway, in case you hadn’t guessed by now, “You” in that scenario are the Packers and “Your Ex” is Brett Favre. And if the rumors are true, Brett Favre’s soon to be Ex is right here….
Pick: Packers, 26-20
Seahawks at Saints-
It may come as a bit of a surprise that the Saints are #1 in the league in passing. No? Oh I’m sorry; you thought I meant passing offense. No sir, passing defense. That’s right, and you know what also may come as a bit of a surprise? The Seahawks have the league’s 30th-ranked offense. Okay, so that’s not much of a shocker but this one should knock you for a loop…. Matt Hasselbeck and I went out for drinks to discuss a potential business venture last night and he got wrecked on vodka martinis and Jager bombs, tripped on the steps coming out of the bar and broke two ribs. So despite what you may have heard or read, don’t count on him coming back from that concussion and playing this Sunday.
Okay so that was a complete lie. Except for the business venture part. We met over coffee and scones to discuss putting his name and likeness on a new brand of white bratwursts. We’re gonna call them Hasselbrats. Each one will be an exact replica of his boxers banana. I also have meetings set up to discuss Breeswursts, Bradywursts, Roethlisweiners, Favre Franks, and Vick Big Red Smokeys. And just in case you’re wondering, yes, I have the patents pending. I also have some molds if you or your girlfriend are interested.
Pick: Saints, 31-17
Falcons at Rams-
It’s the ATL vs the STL at the EJD. I wonder if HMFIC will turn out to SB or MR, or that maybe it will be the RW Show unless there are more INTs than TDs and in that case the HMFIC could be a DB. We should get some MGDs or some PBRs and watch it on my LED and keep it on the DL. LOL. TTYL.
I hate myself.
Pick: Falcons, 24-13
Buccaneers at Niners-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!Pick:
Colts at Patriots-
It’s Manning vs Brady VII
The following facts come to you courtesy of coldhardfootballfacts.com….
Manning and Brady have faced each other six times. New England has won each game, outscoring Indy by an average score of 31.8 – 17.5 – nearly a 2-to-1 margin. Brady has clearly outshined the two-time regular-season MVP. In fact, it’s not even close. Here’s how their numbers stack up in those six contests:
Brady: 121 for 180 (67.2%), 1,322 yards, 10 TDs, 4 INTs, 98.0 passer rating.
Manning: 137 for 234 (58.5%), 1,542 yards, 9 TDs, 10 INTs, 73.3 passer rating.
I don’t know how things went down where you grew up but on the west side of Cincinnati 7-0 was a skunk, yo momma’s a drunk and yo sista's got too much junk in the trunk. If Brady and the Pats beat him again, they should yell SKUNK! and there should be a postgame ceremony at midfield with Brady slapping a PWNED sticker on Manning’s helmet.
Pick: Patriots, 31-20
Giants at Eagles-
All that was missing from Mike Vick’s performance in DC last week was a pair of black sunglasses, a long black cassock and a bunch of Agent Smiths trying to take him down. I was fully expecting at any moment to see Laurence Fishbourne emerge from the sideline, refer to Vick as The One and take him away to see the Oracle.
Pick: Eagles, 27-17
Broncos at Chargers-
I can’t help thinking that I forgot something. What is it, what is it…. Oh yeah, it’s time to apply some more whiskey to the back of my throat. And it’s also Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Pick: Chargers, 31-23
Posted by Smitty