So I heard yesterday that John Lennon is dead. Where in the heck have I been? Shot in the back. Wow. I should probably send a card or flowers or something. Man, Leslie Nielsen died last week, then Dandy Don passes away and now I find out about John Lennon. There’s barely enough Maker’s 46 in the house to get me through this past week. Thank God I had an extra bottle lying around as my father-in-law’s Christmas gift. Looks like he’s getting another socket wrench this year instead. Well, if there’s any bright side it’s that Yoko Ono’s now single. And which Beatle do you think will be next? They’re not getting any younger, you know. Will it be Paul, George, Ringo…? My guess is George. No, Ringo. Well, I had this big long intro this week revisiting my Comfort Food Theory as it relates to football but now I’ve kinda lost my appetite to discuss it. It seems so trivial in the grand scheme of things. Of course it’s not, but it seems that way right now. That feeling will pass in a couple of hours but by then it’ll be late and I won’t feel like writing because I’ll be too tired. Enough ridiculousness. For what it’s worth, here’s one of the beautifully flawless and, especially on this day of remembrance, appropriate verses that Lennon gave to us…
There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends
I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all
Bring on the matchups!
Thursday Night
Colts at Titans-
There are a lot of people out there ready to put the Colts season in the ground and throw dirt on it. So they’ve lost three in a row, Peyton Manning’s thrown eleven interceptions during that streak, they have eight players on Injured Reserve and another fourteen who are either listed as Out, Doubtful or Questionable for this week. Big deal. Okay, that’s not good. Hell, if it gets much worse they may have to have some guys play both ways. But despite this bad 3-game stretch, they still have the #1 pass offense in the NFL and the league’s #4 pass defense, AND their last four games are against the Titans, Jags (at Indy), Raiders, and Titans again. So c’mon, who are we kidding- the Colts NOT in the playoffs? That’d be like having a network television talent competition without a surly British guy on the judge’s panel. Trust me, there’s no way this guy’s going to let that happen. I think.
I am the eggman
They are the eggmen
I am the walrus, Goo goo g' joob
Pick: Colts, 31-17
Sunday
Browns at Bills-
Here we have two fairly crappy teams who are still fighting. It’s like watching a couple of moths struggling to get out of a spider web. It’s great that they haven’t given up and who knows, they might even be able to break free. But even if they do, they’re still just an ugly brown moth and not a butterfly. Butterflies are pretty.
Sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun
If the sun don't shine you get a tan from standing in the English rain
Pick: Bills, 20-17
Giants at Vikings-
Everyone’s favorite Wrangler-wearin’ sext messager got knocked out of last week’s game with a damaged sternoclavicular joint. I’m not quite sure what that is but it’s probably located somewhere near your sternoclavicular which I believe is the love child of your sternum and your clavicle. The bad news is that it may affect his ability to grab items off of high shelves, hang a star on the Christmas tree, play clothed (or naked) Twister, and most importantly, to throw a football. The good news is that doctors say it shouldn’t affect the fit of his Wranglers or his ability to send pics of what’s inside his Wranglers.
Isn't it good Norwegian wood?
Pick: Giants, 24-16
Bengals at Steelers-
As the result of Karma (played last Sunday by the Ravens Haloti Ngata) busting up his face, ROFLsberger had to undergo surgery this week to repair his badly broken nose. You know, the only thing that could give me greater pleasure than seeing ROFLsberger getting his nose broken (aside from a coupon for free Chipotle burritos for life) would be seeing ROFLsberger getting his nose broken again. According to the fine handed down to Ngata yesterday, the penalty for such a thing appears to be in the $50,000 range. As of 3pm yesterday, I’ve begun a collection and started it off with $50 of my own money. Once all funds are collected, the People Who Enjoy Seeing (alleged) Rapists Faces Being Pounded Society will cut a check to the Bengals player who succeeds in accomplishing this mission. And yes, I’m looking at you, Rey Maualuga.
Instant Karma's gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head
Pick: Steelers, 19-13
Buccaneers at Redskins-
The Redskins are indisputably terrible but don’t blame it all on Donnie Mac. As a matter of fact, the Skins pass offense is ranked a surprisingly high #9 in the league. If we’re looking for someone to blame (and we always are), blame it on Fat Albert. Haynesworth is the highest paid defensive player in the history of the league and yet he can’t get on the field consistently because he’s either been sick, insubordinate, out of shape, or all of the above. And when he is on the field, it hasn’t been pretty. The Skins defense is ranked #32 in the league (that’s out of a possible 32) and they’ve only had-- What’s that? The Redskins just suspended Haynesworth for the rest of the season? Good move by Shannahan and his oversized dentures. It had to happen, right? The last time I remember a group being this messed up internally by a grossly overpaid and grossly overweight team member was when Rosie O’Donnell was on The View. Yeah, I know, The View is horrible television and getting rid of Rosie only took it up from “train wreck” to “dumpster fire” and the Skins defense is likely only to see the same marginal improvement but at least it should relieve some of the tension over there. You know what else relieves tension? This picture of Elizabeth Hasselbeck.
And woman, hold me close to your heart
However distant, don't keep us apart
After all, it is written in the stars
Pick: Buccaneers, 28-20
Falcons at Panthers-
If there was ever a prototypical Letdown Game, this would be it. The Falcons are coming off of a tough, emotional showdown victory in Tampa Bay, they now own the best record (10-2) in the NFL, and they’re on the second leg of a three-game road trip, so to speak. It’s classic letdown material. So classic that I’m actually going out on a limb here and picking the Panthers…. to only lose by thirteen points. What, you thought I was going to take Carolina? Have you been drinking out of that brown jug with the XXX label on it again? At least wait ‘til after lunch from now on. And share some with John Fox, would ya? He could use a little.
Temperature's rising
Fever is high
Can't see no future
Can't see no sky
Pick: Falcons, 26-13
Packers at Lions-
The Pack is rolling and come into Detroit with the league’s #9-ranked pass offense. Hey, but you know what? Chicken butt. That’s right, I went there. Plus, the Lions have the league’s #8-ranked pass offense, which is one spot better than #9. Go ahead, you can double-check it. These are the very same Lions who have gone most of the year with their #2 and/or #3 quarterbacks running the show. The difference between these two teams has been defense. Green Bay is leading the league in lowest points allowed per game (15.2) while Detroit is allowing a little over 25 points per game. But, the Lions have played all of their division opponents tough this year and they appear to be out for a little vengeance. Kinda like Steven Seagal as Detective Gino Felino in Out for Justice. Or like Steven Seagal as Mason Storm in Hard to Kill. Or like Steven Seagal as Nico Toscani in Above the Law. Or like Steven Seagal as John Hatcher in Marked for Death. And not only are they out for vengeance but they also have two freaks (Ndamukong Suh and Calvin Johnson) who just keep getting freakier each week. They have to get vengeance sooner or later.
He got hair down to his knee
Got to be a joker he just do what he please
Pick: Lions, 21-20
Raiders at Jaguars-
At the beginning of the season, this matchup looked like a good candidate for the Don Criqui Game of the Week. But now here we are (…face to face, a couple of silver spoons…) in Week 14 with the Jaguars trying to stay in first place in the AFC South and the Raiders just two games back in the AFC West. It’s also a ground battle between the league’s #2 rushing offense (Jags) against the #3 rushing offense (Raiders). Neither team throws the ball very well and both defenses are average. It looks like a pretty even matchup until you factor in one problem for the Raiders- they have to travel all the way from the armpit of California to the armpit of Florida and start the game at 10am Pacific time. Not good times. Heck, by the time most of their fans have awakened from their normal Saturday night vodka-meth coma or finished their morning prison labor, the Silver & Black could already be down by a couple of scores.
All you need is love
Pick: Jaguars, 24-20
Seahawks at Niners-
Alex Smith is back and starting this Sunday at quarterback for the Niners. That’s news that, if it hasn’t already, should swing the betting line about three more points into the Seahawks favor. But if the Seahawks (6-6) lose this one, and they have the Falcons and Bucs the next two weeks, they could go into a Week 17 showdown with the Rams with a record of 6-9…. AND STILL HAVE A SHOT AT THE PLAYOFFS! The Rams are also 6-6, are playing at New Orleans (see below) and have games remaining against the Chiefs and the Niners before that “showdown”. It’s very possible that we could have our first team with a losing record to not only make the playoffs but get to host a playoff game. I don’t think it’ll happen but make no mistake; I’m rooting for it to happen. And not only am I rooting for that to happen, I’m praying to gods I don’t even believe in to make it so. And if it does happen, part of the new collective bargaining agreement should be to take away the NFC West’s playoff eligibility. You put that division in the NCAA and it wouldn’t be granted BCS status.
(This game doesn’t deserve a picture or a lyric)
Pick: Seahawks, 17-16
Rams at Saints-
The Horns vs the Halos. Bradford vs Brees. Saint Louie vs all the rest of the Saints, I guess.
Hey, if you haven’t been following the Rams, and honestly why would you be, you might not know that Sam Bradford is having one heckuva rookie season- 61% completion rate, 2,653 yards passing, 17 touchdown passes, and a QB rating of 81.0 Not bad. Unfortunately, this week he’s squaring off against Drew Brees who has a 69% completion rate, 3,634 yards passing, 25 TD passes, a QB rating of 94.6, is the reigning Super Bowl MVP, was just named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year, was instrumental in helping the city of New Orleans recover from Hurricane Katrina, is a close personal friend of Harry Connick, Jr., and has Karma in a very good mood and sitting in his lap wearing a string bikini feeding him strawberries dipped in fresh cream.
Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about
Pick: Saints, 28-17
Patriots at Bears-
I’ve come to the conclusion that Bill Belichick was either abducted by aliens and instilled with some supernatural knowledge or he’s working under a multi-year contract with the devil. Whichever it is, he’s indisputably the MacGyver of the NFL. Hey Bill, all we have here is Tom Brady, Randy Moss, a less than 100% Wes Welker, one of the worst defenses in the league, two rookie tight ends and some dude named Danny Woodhead. No problem, give it here. Twelve weeks later, he’s turned it into a 9-3 football team coming off of a merciless beat down of the Jets on Monday night. And he did it without even using Moss, instead selling him off for parts to use in a future episode. By the way, my editor ( I don’t have an editor) says that no one under the age of 40 will get the MacGyver reference, to which I say, everyone under 40 knows how to use Wikipedia, they can look it up.
Belichick is amazing. Strong jaw, steel blue eyes, strong hands…. And um, one of the best coaches of all time. I don’t know how far his supernatural knowledge extends (the secret to building the Great Pyramids, teleportation, cold fusion technology, the cure for cancer…) or the exact terms of his deal with the devil but I’m completely ready and willing to turn this mess with the economy over to him. While we’re at it, why not give him a crack at healthcare reform, social security funding, North Korea, Afghanistan, finding Bin Laden, and the whole immigration issue.
Hey, Bungalow Bill
What did you kill
Bungalow Bill?
Pick: Patriots, 27-20
Broncos at Cardinals-
Josh McDaniels got McCanned on Monday by the Broncos. Who called it? That’s right, I called it. I believe last week my joke was, What do Josh McDaniels and the McRib have in common? They’re both available for a limited time. I am funny AND smart. You know who else is funny? Apparently Deuce Lutui. He’s funny enough to make Derek Anderson laugh even though they were getting pasted in front of the whole country on Monday Night Football. My sources tell me it was the ol’ Death by Hoola Boola joke. But apparently Jimmy Kimmel has even better sources. Damn you, Jimmy Kimmel.
And though the news was rather sad
Well, I just had to laugh
Pick: Broncos, 24-17
Chiefs at Chargers-
I’ve spent more than my fair share of time banging on Norv Turner for having underachieving teams who tank in the playoffs, being bad at game management, and bearing a striking resemblance to Principal Skinner from The Simpsons. But there’s no denying that under Norv the Chargers rarely lose late season division games, or actually any late regular season games to anyone (except of course the Raiders last Sunday). The Chiefs, even though they were my AFC “sleeper” team this season, might not be ready for a game this big on the road just yet. Plus, their coach, with his oversized hoodie and silky sweatpants reminds me of some forty year-old guy you’d see working at the YMCA and asking all the sixteen year-old kids where the parties are going to be this weekend. In other words, like my pal Squintz and kinda creepy.
Hey you've got to hide your love away
Pick: Chargers, 31-16
Dolphins at Jets-
J! – E! – T! – S! SUCK!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!!
Just kidding. Kinda. Monday night was brutal for the Jets. That was an Ike to Tina kinda whoopin’. I don’t know how they come back from that, much less fix all of the things that were exposed in just six days. But despite the beating, they do still have a solid if not very good defense against anyone not named Tom Brady. But here’s something you may not know; the Jets defense is ranked #8 in the NFL and the Dolphins defense, it’s ranked #4.
Won't you please, please help me
Pick: Dolphins, 20-13
Eagles at Cowboys-
Lots of great storylines here. There’s the continued resurgence of Mike Vick, the Cowboys turnaround under new head coach Jason Garrett, the steady leadership of Jon Kitna, the season-ending injury to Dez Bryant… All stories worthy of attention. But in case you hadn’t noticed, we’re running out of time here and there’s one thing I almost forgot. It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Picture yourself in a boat on a river
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes
Pick: Eagles, 26-19
Monday Night
Ravens at Texans-
I can’t talk about the Monday Night game without mentioning the passing of Don Meredith. The Cosell-Gifford-Meredith trio was the best sporting event broadcasting crew ever put together. Ever. Period. End of story. As a tribute to Dandy Don this week, the lackluster Tirico-Gruden-Jaworski would be wise to give us a few bars of “Turn out the lights, the party’s over…”
Here’s a tribute after the pick…
Pick: Texans, 27-20
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