So I’m watching the IFC Holiday Marathon of Freaks and Geeks the other day. Absolutely without a doubt the best one-season television show of all time. It’s not up for debate and I won’t even entertain an argument to the contrary. As a matter of fact, anyone who tries to argue against it will immediately be branded a tasteless, communist moron with no soul and lumpy porridge for a brain. Freaks and Geeks is the perfect depiction of high school, more specifically high school in 1980, of suburban life with all of its charm and cheesiness, of the struggle of kids to find themselves and of their parents to allow them make those discoveries. There are a countless number unforgettable lines and scenes from unforgettable characters delivered in breakout performances by several now-famous actors all written & directed by Judd Apatow before he went on to pen some less textured comedies such as Anchorman, The 40-Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Talladega Nights, Pineapple Express, and Funny People .
It certainly wasn’t the first nor the last scripted portrayal of American teens and their plight, but to-date, it’s the best. Like all great art, it works because it makes the audience feel something. Like all great character-driven art, it works because it makes you feel for the characters and you feel for the characters because you can relate to them. All of them, not just the freaks and not just the geeks. And not just the teens. The truth is, there’s some freak and some geek in all of us and, as we learn as the episodes progress, in each of the characters as well. And the truth is, this NFL season and the past seventeen weeks of this blog would not have been possible without the fuel provided by a huge collection of freaks, geeks, jocks, brains, divas and delinquents. As I like to do each year at this time, here’s a list in no certain order of the people, places and things to whom I’d like to say thanks for being there and not giving a damn about your bad reputation....
Jeff Fisher’s lady tickler
Ryan Fitzpatrick’s beard
Tom Brady’s hair
A mullet-less Jared Allen
Brett Favre's sternoclavicular joint
Brett Favre’s sext messages
Brett Favre’s Wranglers
The Metrodome Roof Collapse
The collapse of the Vikings
The collapse of the Cowboys
The collapse of the Bengals
Don Draper’s binge drinking
Mel Gibson’s angry phone messages
Charlie Sheen
Gus Johnson!
Don Criqui
Cricket
Norv Turner
Principal Skinner
Jimmy Johnson, Survivor contestant
The Derek Anderson Experiment
Yo Gabba Gabba
The Suite Life
The Situation
The Madden Curse
Weird Science
Steven Seagal
Terriers
Mike Vick's Comback
Concussions
Peyton Hillis
Wet Granny Panties in Cleveland
Bills Fans Anonymous
Eli Manning bleeding from the head
The Chiefs fan who got branded while tailgating
The Raiders fan who shanked a Chargers fan
The NFC Worst
Fat Albert Haynesworth
Fish Logs
Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s legs
Hannah Montana
Charo
Popeye
Eliot Spitzer
Keith Olberkork
Chris Berman
Greenberg & Golic
Mike Brown
The Mayor of London
The Great Pumpkin
Powerthirst
Donovan McNabb’s contract extension
Donovan McNabb’s benching
Tony Romo’s engagement
Jerry Jones' face
Al Davis' Cryptkeeper face
John Skelton's goon face
Kyle Orton's face
Tom Green's face
Butterfaces
Jessie Ventura
The McRib
The firing of Josh McDaniels
The firing of Brad Childress
The firing of Wade Phillips
The firing of Mike Singletary
Kurt Warner dancing
Rex Ryan’s fetish video
Sal Alosi’s knee
The Beastie Boys
Color Me Badd
Justin Bieber
Tecmo DeSean Jackson
The Dolphins fight song
The Falcons fight song
Corona Cans
Todd Haley's sweatsuit
The Hoodie
The Griswolds
Happy Days
Eight is Enough
Diff’rent Strokes
Big Ben’s broken nose
Big Ben getting bitch-slapped
Big Ben meets Chris Hanson
Big Ben’s Best Pickup Lines
The Brees baby name search
Bizarro Belichick
Stormtroopers
NFL Cheerleaders
Swashbuckling Santas
Marissa Miller in a bikini
The Kardashian sisters
Karma
Dandy Don
John Lennon
Leslie Nielsen
Wilford Brimley
Blackouts
Larry at The Southgate House
3rd-string quarterbacks
The Bears offensive line
The Cortland Finnegan - Andre Johnson fight
The John Fox Farewell Tour
The Wade Phillips Farewell Tour
The Brad Childress Farewell Tour
The Lovie Smith Farewell Tour (Cancelled)
The Jack Del Rio Farewell Tour (Cancelled)
and of course, the voice in my head that tells the other voice in my head, "Shutup and let him type, you pansy."
Now bring on the matchups!
Dolphins at Patriots-
The Fish ended up with a 1-7 home record this season and have lost three of their last four games at the hands of the lowly Browns, Bills and Lions. I’m guessing, and it’s just a guess, but I’m guessing that shortly after this game, and the season, is over, someone in the Dolphins family is going to approach head coach Tony Sporano and ask him to get in the car to “go for a little ride”. My advice to Tony is to get a fake passport and get out of the country before kickoff.
Pick: Patriots, 26-13
Raiders at Jets-
J! - E! – T! – S! Suck! SUCK!! SUCK TOES!!!!
So Rex Ryan has a foot fetish to go along with his obvious food fetish. I don’t really care but it does explain why he doesn’t mind putting his foot in his mouth every time he gets the chance. And a word of warning to his lovely wife.... If you let Rexy convince you someday to tongue his fatty arches, nibble on his heels, or suck on his fat sweaty toes, you should know that you run the risk of developing more than just severe halitosis. You could come down with….
The Jets don’t need this one, the Raiders are going nowhere, somebody has to win so maybe the fat Polack will knock through a few field goals. I’m sorry, that was offensive. Maybe the husky Polack will knock through a few field goals. What?! Oh. …..Maybe the husky Pole will knock through a few field goals. Better? Hey, if people from Poland are called Poles then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
Pick: Raiders, 19-16
Bills at Chiefs-
After Ryan Fitzpatrick took over at quarterback for Buffalo, their season kinda followed the same arc as his beard. At first it was interesting, then it looked pretty good for a while, but ultimately it just got scratchy & uncomfortable and just became something of a mess. As for Kansas City, a therapist once told me that you can learn a lot by the “soup” someone is ladled from. If that’s true then it’s no wonder why the Chiefs have ascended so quickly. Their GM is Scott Pioli, the former VP of Player Personnel for the Patriots. Their offensive coordinator is Charlie Weiss, the former OC for the Patriots. Their defensive coordinator is Romeo Crennel, the former DC for the Patriots. And their quarterback is Matt Cassel, former quarterback for the Patriots. In other words, they’re ladled from the Soup Nazi.
Pick: Chiefs, 27-17
Bengals at Ravens-
The Chad Ochocinco, Terrell Owens, Cedric Benson, Jonathan Joseph, Roy Williams, maybe Marvin Lewis and hopefully for the Love of God Bob Bratkowski Farewell Tour heads to Baltimore! How ironic it would be if Marvin Lewis’ last game as Bengals head coach takes place in the city and against the team with whom he won a Super Bowl ring before coming to Cincinnati. Also ironic that Marvin and Chad might be leaving together. HOWEVER…. If they somehow knock off the Ravens and finish the season with three straight wins, Mikey Boy might just want to keep the whole band together. If that happens, Cincinnati area hospitals will quickly be overrun with people injured by sucking on the tailpipes of their idling automobiles. Oh and hey, thanks Jerome Simpson. Thanks for doing nothing for almost three years and now finally producing just in time to give Mikey a reason to keep Bratkowski around and to get a couple pointless wins to screw up the team’s draft position.
Pick: Ravens, 21-17
Vikings at Lions-
I just took a break to change our two year olds diaper. I love her dearly but it was a disgusting, up-the-back poopfest that took eight of those diaper wipes, about a half a can of air freshener and had me on the verge of coughing up my dinner onto the embroidered flower rug lying next to her changing table. All that being said, if I had the choice between changing another diaper like that or having to sit through the horrible Vikings/Lions matchup this Sunday, the decision would be easy. I would definitely watch the football game. What’s that? You thought I was going to pick the diaper? You must not have kids. I know I joke around but you don’t joke about that stuff. It’s truly horrifying. The smell is still in my head. You know, I’m too young to have been in Vietnam but after dealing with a diaper like that, I think I can imagine what an Agent Orange-induced flashback must be like.
Pick: Lions, 24-13
Buccaneers at Saints-
Sure, the Saints have won seven of their last eight and just knocked off the Falcons in Atlanta but what could be scarier than coming off of an emotional win and having to turn right around and win again the next week against a plucky upstart division rival with an outside shot at the postseason who’d like nothing more than to take a dump on your playoff cake? Okay, other than waking up next to Joy Behar? Alright, and other than seeing Andre Smith naked. Well sure, but other than being stalked by Andy Dick. Or Eric Roberts. Or Gary Busey. Right, having tarantulas dumped into your bed would probably also be scarier. Okay, other than being stalked by creepy dudes, seeing fat people naked and having poisonous arachnids and/or members of The View (except Elizabeth Hasselbeck) in your bed, what could be scarier? What? Did you say “maggots”? Crawling where? Good Lord, you people are sick.
Pick: Buccaneers, 27-24
Panthers at Falcons-
And now it’s time for a very special guest. Most seasons I’m able to bring him in a lot sooner but this year was a bit different. However now, without further ado, it’s with great pleasure that I turn this matchup over to none other than the commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell. Thank you, Kevin. Welcome football fans, team representatives and esteemed guests. And now the eight words that the North Carolina chapter of the Andrew Luck fan club has been patiently waiting for…. The Carolina Panthers are now on the clock.
Pick: Falcons, 26-10
Steelers at Browns-
The good news for the Steelers is that they’ve locked up a playoff spot. The bad news is that also means Big Ben will have to wait a couple more weeks before heading out to the college bars to say things like, “Hey, do you know who I am?” and “Did you just buy something for seventy five cents? Cause you’re about to get yourself a quarterback.” and “Have you ever had a Super Bowl ring down your pants?” and “No, the door’s not locked, it’s probably just stuck.”
Pick: Steelers, 21-16
Jaguars at Texans-
You know how every season on Survivor there’s this one person who everybody knows is dangerous and needs to get voted out immediately but the rest of the meatheads let ‘em hang around and hang around and then wind up getting burned that person? Yeah, well the Jags and Texans are the meatheads who are now on the jury staring across at the Colts sitting there with their torch still lit and wearing an immunity necklace. I’m guessing Gary Kubiak gets voted out at the next Texans tribal council. Heck, they even have t-shirts…
Pick: Texans, 23-17
Giants at Redskins-
Speaking of getting voted out, a loss in DC and Tom Coughlin could be done in New York, er, New Jersey. After losing two straight, the Giants have to take care of the Skins and hope for the Bears to go into Green Bay and beat the Packers in order to for them make it in as a wildcard. If Coughlin does get the boot, I’d like to see him on the cast of the next Jersey Shore. I’d love to see his wrinkly red-faced sour puss out there fist-pumping at the clubs, taking part in T-Shirt Time, and turning GTL into GTLPN (Gym, Tan, Laundry, Pills, Nap). I’d give it five episodes before Snooki would “accidentally” fall asleep in his bed and just three episodes before Tommy C and JWoww would throw fists in the kitchen.
Pick: Redskins, 21-20
Cardinals at Niners-
Well I guess I was wrong. Turns out that the Niners had the stones to fire Singletary after all. Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!
Looks like I was also wrong about Cards quarterback John Skelton. He showed some promise Sunday night in the comeback win against the Cowboys. Maybe there could actually be a Miss Missouri in his future.
You know, being wrong doesn’t feel good. I don’t like it. Jesus, how does Mike Brown stand it? My stomick hurts, my hed’s spinning and I feel like I need a long, hot shower . Hey, I think I just misspelled a bunch of stuff. Crap, it’s gettin’ worse. Scooz me while I go warsh the dumb off of me.
Pick: Cardinals, 21-17
Chargers at Broncos-
According to a report in the San Diego Union-Tribune, Chargers president Dean Spanos says that GM AJ Smith and head coach Norv Turner will both be returning for the 2011 season. And that loud squishy thud you just heard was the collective sound of tens of thousands of Chargers fans heads falling into their breakfast burritos. I can understand AJ Smith coming back, hell, he’s assembled arguably the most talented roster in the league. But Norv Turner? He’s only managed to get an 8-7 record out of that roster and was in charge of an uninspired & unprepared performance against the Bengals last Sunday in a must-win situation. When asked specifically about Turner, Spanos said, "It wasn't coaching. Sometimes the best thing in the world is to make very few changes. There's an image out there that Norv is my puppet. Just the opposite. The man knows what he's doing. People may have the opposite opinion. The coach is coming back. Other teams make decisions to go in another direction. I did -- four years ago. I know it's frustrating to the fans, but I believe in this coach." When Norv Turner was asked for his response, Spanos shoved his hand up Turner’s ass and Norv mouthed “No comment”.
Pick: Broncos, 23-21
Cowboys at Eagles-
Last week, Mike Vick said he’d vote for himself for league MVP and then a couple days later he goes out on his home turf and gets outdueled by Joe Webb. The same Joe Webb who looked like an average high school option quarterback the week before against the Bears. Seriously, you can’t lose to Joe Webb and expect to be the MVP. You also can’t lose to Joe Webb and get the #2 seed and a first round bye. The only good thing about losing to Joe Webb is that it renders this game meaningless and therefore there’s nothing left to say about it except…. It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Pick: Eagles, 27-23
Bears at Packers-
Thanks to the Eagles loss to the Vikings on Tuesday, the Bears are locked into the #2 seed and this game means nothing to them. Well, except that if they win, they can knock the rival Packers out. If the Packers win, they’re in as the #6 seed and playing in Philly next weekend. So if you’re the Bears, what do you do? Would you rather try to knock out your nemesis while risking your quarterback or keep your quarterback away from harm and let your nemesis waltz into the playoffs? Here are a couple quick stats to help you decide: The Packers are tied for 5th in the league with 41 sacks, led by linebacker Clay Matthews who has 12.5 by himself. Meanwhile the Bears are worst in the league so far this season, allowing Cutler to be sacked 50 times. Personally, I’d sit him. And I’m guessing that the first time Matthews blows around the end and heads towards Cutler, full of bad intentions and his hair flying in the frozen air, Lovie Smith’s sphincter will tighten so hard & fast that it’ll create a black hole sucking in the whole lower half of his body, a yard marker and the nearest water boy. It will also create a strange yet predictable gravitational pull which will yank Cutler off of the field and toss Todd Collins from the sidelines and into the game.
Pick: Packers, 31-17
Titans at Colts-
Speaking of crappy backup quarterbacks with the last name of Collins, Kerry Collins takes his 3-6 record and 77.4 passer rating this season into Indy on Sunday. He has somehow managed to stay around in the NFL for sixteen seasons playing for five different teams despite completing just 55% of his passes and having only nine more touchdowns than interceptions. Collins and the less-talented doppelganger of Chris Johnson are all that stand between the Colts and extending their streak of making the playoffs to nine straight seasons. It’s amazing, even with fifteen players on injured reserve (including Dallas Clark), playing much of the season without Joseph Addai and Austin Collie, playing through injuries to Reggie Wayne, Jacob Tamme and Donald Brown, and playing behind a horse crap offensive line, Peyton Manning still somehow has them on the doorstep of another division title. I think it’s safe to say that we haven’t witnessed one individual player who’s more vital to his team’s success since Scott Howard turned into Teen Wolf and led the Beacon Town Beavers to the Nebraska State Basketball Championship in 1985.
Pick: Colts, 27-13
Sunday Night
Rams at Seahawks-
The NFC Worst division title is on the line Sunday night and if the Seahawks win, they’ll become the first team to ever win an NFL divisional title with a losing record. My buddy Johnny B asked me if I planned on watching this one, to which I replied, “Absolutely.” I am not going to miss it and I’ll be watching this one for the same reason I watched the series finale of Ally McBeal back in the spring of 2002 and for the same reason that I will someday watch the final episode of The View. To make sure it’s finally over.
Pick: Rams, 24-19
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