Sep 7, 2011
Pirate metaphors, the big "D", the Scirocco, Ike Turner, Dwarf Action, Stryper, a Thai Delivery Guy, Kim K and the inside of Al Davis' tracksuit
So it was 100-degrees in Greater Cincinnati today, the grass is brown, the creek beds are dry, none of which alert my senses that it’s now football season. But apparently it is. I’m excited. No, I’m not. I haven’t had time to get excited. Hell, I just realized a few days ago that they weren’t still on strike, or lockout, er whatever. Over the past few days I’ve been trying to catch up on what I’ve missed- who’s signed where, who’s coaching who, who’s hurt, who’s suspended, who’s awaiting trial for sexual assault charges (surprise, it’s not Roethlisberger). Anyway, here’s what I’ve pieced together so far about what’s happened since the final gun sounded at the end of Super Bowl XLV (other than, of course, hundreds of thousands of fat, white Wisconsinites having unsightly celebratory missionary sex while wearing cheese hats and shooing away their confused and concerned pets who had wandered too near to take in the disturbingly odd and rare occurrence)….
Ochocinco is a Patriot. Terrel Owens is out of work. Carson Palmer is retired. Brett Favre is retired, again, at least as of this moment. Randy Moss is retired. Amy Winehouse is dead. Bubba Smith is dead. Macho Man Savage is dead. Peyton Manning has a bad neck and it could be fatal. Reggie Bush is a Dolphin. Kim Kardashian is pregnant and married, neither involving Reggie Bush and possibly not even in that order. Snooki found someone who’s attracted to Ooompa Loompas and seemingly not concerned with catching a myriad of STDs. His name is Gianni. The Situation knocked himself out by head-butting a wall. Ronnie and Sammy got back together, then violently broke up again. J-Lo and Marc Anthony split up. Will and Jada split up. LeBron James choked on a big karma sandwich. John Fox is coaching the Broncos. Ron Rivera is coaching the Panthers. Jim Harbaugh is coaching the Niners. Jeff Fisher and his mustache are no longer in Tennessee. Matt Hasselbeck is in Tennessee. I went to Tennessee and then came back. Elizabeth Taylor is dead. Jani Lane is dead. Clarence Clemons is dead. Osama Bin Laden is dead. Al Davis is still not dead. Nnamdi Asomguwah is an Eagle. Donovan McNabb is in a Viking. Cam Newton is a Panther. Donald Trump announced he was running for President. Donald Trump announced he was no longer running for President. Roseanne Barr announced she was running for President. Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to fathering a child with his old, beauty-impaired, Hispanic maid. Albert Haynesworth is in New England. Kevin Kolb is in Arizona. Jim Tressel is not in Columbus. Charlie Sheen was winning. Charlie Sheen went batshit crazy. Charlie Sheen went on tour. Charlie Sheen was fired. Charlie Sheen was dumped by the Goddesses. Charlie Sheen died. What? He hasn’t died yet? Wierd. Well, okay then.
As you can see, a shitload of changes. I used to like change, I embraced it, I welcomed it like a weary pirate finding a new port to plunder . Not anymore. Now I just want to know what to expect, to see the same faces in the same places, to be able to make things routine and to have more givens than variables. As a pirate, I’d be content to lie in a hammock with my treasure safely buried, strapping on my peg leg only for trips into town to buy more rum. (So I’m a pirate now? It is important to note that as I type this, I’m two beers and two doubles of Makers into the evening. Just for the record.)
I think this resistance to change is true for most guys my age. I didn’t truly realize it to be the case for me until last week while in the middle of helping a buddy move. He’s getting the big “D” (no, not Dallas. Although, I don’t know how one could “get” Dallas, but whatever. And no, not Diarrhea, not Diptheria, not Dementia… Divorced). While moving the last piece of furniture, a fucking heavy-ass dresser that nearly took both of our lives on at least two occasions while navigating the stairs up to his new second-floor condo, the enormity of the night and its life-changing ramifications suddenly started to weigh on me. This wasn’t my drama, not my move or the end of my marriage, it was his. But as a friend, his drama obviously has an effect on him so therefore it can’t help but to affect all of his relationships, including our friendship, and thus it affects me, and being the selfish 41-year old prick that I am,well, that made me uneasy.
He’s no longer living just a street away and able to pop over for an impromptu beer on the patio on any random night. There will be no more getting together with the wives and/or kids for dinner. No more secret midnight eggings of his next door neighbor Johnny B’s house, or squatting on Johnny B’s porch together with a sixer, peering through their first floor bedroom window to watch Johnny and his wife on “Role Play Wednesdays” (my favorite is when they do Bo Peep and her little lost lamb. Baaaa! SMACK! Bad Sheepy! Baaaaa!) Now he’s twenty minutes away, alone in a condo with just his own thoughts, possible regrets and a softcore painting hanging above the fireplace while I’m down yet another neighbor-buddy. That makes two neighbor-buddies that I’ve lost to the big D in the last eighteen months. Fucking bullshit. I’m dangerously close to having to either a) talk a couple more friends into moving into the neighborhood, or b) make friends with a couple guys in the neighborhood. I’m forty one years old, I don’t want to make any new friends. How gay is that? Hey Pete, uh, you seem like a cool dude. Whaddya say we hang out sometime? Ugh, I’d rather just kickstart a drug addiction and kill time with my dealer after the drop. At least that way I’d hate myself for my addiction and not for being such a needy little pussy.
So now I have to adjust. I have to adapt and roll with it because if I don’t, I’ll just start morphing into one of those old guys who’s bitter and hates everything about everything. I’ll wind up going to Bob Evans for breakfast six days a week, sitting in the same booth and ordering the same thing from the same waitress (aka the only one who will put up with me) and thinking it’s cool that they all know me by name and know my order by heart, not realizing that they all talk about how much they can’t stand me or feel sorry for me after I leave. I have to take control, be nimble and learn to again embrace change. I have get out of the hammock, strap on my peg leg, grab my sword and take the ship back out onto the open seas. I need to find a way to keep this brotherhood afloat and active despite the unfortunate turn of events that threaten to cast it asunder (I really have to fucking stop it with the pirate talk, right? I could understand it if I’d been drinking Captain Morgan’s but Makers? I’m at a loss.) Therefore, in an effort to make sure that he’s only left the neighborhood and not the brotherhood and also to explore a change for this blog, the Weekly Matchups will henceforth be done in a new (and maybe or maybe not improved) format. I will be sharing the time, space, opinions and commentary from time to time with my fellow Palooza pals Whitey and Johnny B via IM chats and posting the transcripts weekly right here. My hope is that each of you would also like to take part at least once if not on several occasions throughout the season to lend your insight, wit, sarcasm and cursing abilities to the project. I will be reaching out to each of you soon to gauge your interest and availability to take part.
For now, for the test run, I have invited my neighbor buddy Johnny B and my recently departed neighbor-buddy Whitey to join me. …
Smitty: You boners ready? I've got an ice cold Shiner Bock and an itchy trigger finger.
Johnny: Ive got a quart of milk and Butterfingers from last Halloween... the milks fresh
Whitey: I have a shitty Sammy Octoberfest. I'll pee on your foot at a piss trough.
Smitty: I haven't been at a piss trough since Johnny's wedding
Whitey: Old Municipal field, in Bengals gear. They piss on you intentionally.
Johnny: Thanks for hosting it at your backyard kev... we saved a few bucks
Smitty: It was your sister's idea... she didn't want to have to wake up and drive anywhere
Johnny: She's the youngest lush in our family... and she has grandchildren.... geez
Whitey: Mezarocco isn't listed on the shitty reds site?
Smitty: It's Mesoraco. Mezarocco was a shitty AMC sports car, right?
Smitty: Maybe that was a Scirocco
Whitey: yeah, catcher
missed it, I'm loaded on Bell's
Smitty: Let's talk football. The NFL is starting the season with another Thursday Nighter. Saints at Packers. Your thoughts...
Johnny: Saw a couple of Packer pre-seasons... and they're looking sharp and hitting hard
Smitty: Kinda like ol Ike Turner
Whitey: should be a good matchup. Lot of talent, both squads.
Johnny: what does ike Turner and the Bengals defense have in common?
Johnny: they won't hit grown men
Smitty: Everybody seems to be penciling in the Pack to go back to the Super Bowl but I don't see it. Remember, they needed to win out the last few games just to make the playoffs last season
Whitey: and won the bowl. NFL parity is at all time high.
Smitty: We need to take a roadie to Lambeau Field
or a groupie
Whitey: collection of groupies. More fun in a pack.
Smitty : I do like variety
Johnny: Im still taking the Packers... either way.
Smitty: I'll take the Saints. What about you, Mikey?
Johnny: Beer, mets, cheese and the Saints... they will all go down easy this Sunday
Whitey : Packers at home. No brainer.
Smitty : Next up is ginger kid Matt Ryan and the Falcons visiting the gutless and brainlees Jay Cutler and the Chicago Bears
Johnny: This is a tough one... but I'm gonna go with the Bears.
Whitey: Bears by 3. In a battle of special teams and field position.
Johnny: Long and somewhat boring game I predict.... and low scoring.
Smitty : Name one special teamer on either team. I defy you.
MIke White has left.
Johnny: I could be wrong. I've been married twice.
Smitty : where the fuck did Mikey go?
You have invited Whitey to this chat.
Whitey has joined.
Whitey: right here
shit fuck cunt
Smitty : jackass
Whitey: what happened?
Smitty: Wait, what, Johnny you've been married twice? Who was the first guy?
Smitty : It wasn't me, was it?
Whitey: Might have been. Did you copy paste?
Johnny: Funny. You suck one dick... just one.... and you're labeled for life.
Whitey : You can probably get the text from you mail box.
Smitty : What the fuck are you talking about Mikey?
Whitey : sad really, the dick sucking once label.
Johnny: It is.... did it on a dare anyway.... doesnt count.
Whitey: I lost the chat stream history from the box. Surely it is saved somewhere. I know all of incriminating text are in the library of congress.
Smitty : If the cock was no bigger than a large clit, it does not count. Look it up.
Whitey: my* incriminating texts
Johnny: They save our texts now eh?
Whitey: I fear a large clit. Run!
Smitty : Speaking of large clits, Jay Cutler's a pussy, right?
Whitey : cry baby
no crying in football
Johnny: My son made a kid cry in football last week... I was torn. Felt bad for the other kid.... but.......
Smitty : maybe you should teach him not to touch other kids in their safety zones
Johnny: you've gone to far.... so says the library of congress too
Smitty : I'm taking the Falcons even though I think they won way more than their share of close games last year
Whitey: Never, NEVER buy a Four-in-hand IPA. Twist off shite.
Whitey : Let's talk Colts/Texans.
Johnny: ty Mike
Whitey : on the road sans Manning
Smitty: Is that like a sans serif, JOhnny?
Johnny: Texans got some running backs
Whitey : oh shit I'm not DVRing Sons of Anarchy!!
Johnny: sans DVRing
Smitty : Don't worry, I've got it taping, er DVRing. Is that what we call it?
Whitey : recording on a hard drive.
in a tv box
Smitty : Hey Mike, walk on over later and we'll watch
Johnny: I still say taping.... but I also say bitchin a lot
Whitey : My mom calls CDs tapes.
Leake looks very unhappy.
Johnny: she invests in tapes?
Smitty : She also calls safe deposit boxes "honey holes"
Smitty: So the Colts are screwed, right? Without Manning they're what, a four-win team at best?
Whitey: Probably going to lose in Houston yeah.
Johnny: Without an offense they are screwed... and the Texans will run over their D.... just saying
Whitey : Bills @ Chiefs WAGF?
Smitty : What's WAGF?
Johnny: Two teams i could give a squirt o' piss about. Take your pick.
Whitey : Not even the WGAF game of the week. "Who Give A FUCK"
Johnny: ty mike
Smitty : Gimme the Chiefs
Whitey: Take the Bills in a minor upset.
Smitty : Are the Reds still winning?
Smitty : son of a fuck
Johnny: Youve always been a sucker for KC.... later he'll take the Vikings.... wait and see
Smitty : score?
Johnny: 2-2 last I checked
Smitty: Titans at Jags. No more Jeff Fisher to talk about, no more ruminations about his fuzzy upper-lip testes-tickler.
Johnny: It will be missed.
Johnny: I'll take Hasselbeck and the Titans
Smitty: I knew you would. I'll take them, too. They're my AFC sleeper. Not to win anything but just to not be horrible and maybe make a wild card run.
Smitty : Ready to tackle Bengals at Browns?
Whitey: Browns by 10
Johnny: I do believe the Browns will take it
Smitty : I don't know if either team can score ten points
Whitey : 24-14 mark me
Johnny: Not that the Browns are all that... but the Bengals are in disaray.
Smitty: Browns are down two offensive linemen
Whitey: 2 special scores
hell there might be a safety in that game.
Smitty : you and your special teams stuff again
Johnny: I say... 4-2 Browns
Smitty : Ooh but they do have Josh Cribbs still, right?
Whitey: It's all about special teams, and ball bearings.
Johnny: 3 safeties i say....
yes they do
runs like a bull
Whitey : downhill
Smitty: I'll go Browns, 16-13
Johnny: Browns 17-7
Smitty : What do you think Carson Palmer's doing right now?
Whitey : fucking
Smitty : Fucking himself?
Whitey : sure, maybe
Johnny: it was over anyway... next
Whitey : or playing scrabble with local dwarves
Smitty : and of course as we all know, that always ends up with fucking
Whitey : or juggling
Smitty : Eagles at Rams
Whitey : Rams in an epic first game of the season upset
Johnny: Campano stole second... still 2-2
Whitey : Vick throws 3 int and fumbles twice
Smitty : Masset is a turd
Whitey : floating turd
Johnny: i dont think so Mike.... Im a Vick believer. He's a new man... the real deal.
Eagles 24 Rams 10
Whitey: I like him too. Great player
I was talking shit. Eagles 19-13 over Rams.
Smitty: Give me the Rams. Stephen Jackson is healthy and ready to truck some fuckers
Whitey: impossible, assume everything is tongue in cheek.
Johnny: One loss for Kevin
Smitty: Why is Nick Masset still pitching?!?!?!?!?
Johnny: bases loaded
Smitty : Dusty Baker is a fucktard
Whitey : Reds don't give a shit about winning or keeping their manager.
Smitty : They tire me. Ravens vs Steelers
Whitey : Masset is good for a DP
Smitty : double-penetration?
Whitey : it's over
yep, and one in the mouth
two in the ass
Smitty: that's a TP
Johnny: Ill have to go with... Steelers... best game this week.
Whitey: I'll take Ravens, out of hate.
Johnny: Steelers 24-20
Smitty : It's at Baltimore, which means nothing. Ugh... I don't care who wins as long as a lot of players go off on stretchers
Whitey: B-more 17-10
Johnny: I hate everything yellow and black.... except for Stryper.
Smitty : Michael Sweet's still alive but Jani Lane is dead? Is God sleeping for Christsakes?
Whitey: hello LeCure
Smitty : Sam Lecure is a BEAST!
Going to the 11th
Whitey : Lions @ Bucs WGAF II?
I want to be wrong about the Lions, but they are the fucking Lions!
Johnny: so true
Smitty : I like this game. The Lions D Line is scary-good and the Bucs are coached by Seal. I'm in
Whitey: okay, so Lions by 10
Johnny: It could go either way... but Ill take the lions by 6
Smitty : Lions by at least one
Whitey : Bucs 10-7. Again special teams win the day.
Smitty: son of a bitch
Smitty : Vikings at Chargers.... And yes, Johnny, I'm taking the Vikings
Whitey : Mesoraco swings like a spaz
Norv Turner is the fucking man this year.
Johnny: Chargers.... easy.
Smitty : Chargers were #1 in total offense AND total defense last season and didn't make the playoffs. You know why Mikey?
Johnny: And he likes his purple in men.
Smitty : They got their ass kicked on special teams
Whitey : Oh yeah. Special team are HUGE!
They moved the fucking kick-off line up though. Shit fuck cunt.
Smitty : I saw an old black dude at the LABOR annual picnic at Coney Island yesterday who was dressed in a lavender suit.... with matching hat and lavender & silver dress shoes
Johnny: true... but seriously... youre taking Vikings over Chargers... just because of special teams....
you came in your pants didnt you
Purple and silver? you were on it right?
Smitty : ...and because I hate Philip Rivers
The old dude looked like a California Raisin headed out on the town
Whitey : nice to run out of an extra inning
Johnny: yes... thats the real reason.... but... hate to tell you... Rivers is actually pretty good
Smitty : Good stats but he hasn't won shit
Whitey : it's time for Giants v. Skins bitches
Johnny: oh my
Smitty : Giants. If it weren't for the Panthers, I'd be about two weeks away from announcing that the Skins are "on the clock"
Whitey: Giants 21-10. seems reasonable.
Johnny: I want the Skins.... and the Giants are so unpredictable.... but I have to agree with you
so Giants it is... but it could go badly... just saying
Smitty : Arredondo walks more people than a physical therapist
Whitey : Jeezus!
Johnny: he just walked! Nostrodamus
or my ghetto cable is 3 minutes behind you
Whitey: Might as well wild pitch in the winning run with this guy.
my av rules.
Smitty : sac bunt, another walk, single, game over
Panthers and Cammille Newton at Arizona
Whitey: WGAF II!
Whitey : or 3
Johnny: they will run
Smitty : What if the Panthers get the #1 pick again? Do they take Andrew Luck after just taking Newton?
Whitey: Trade for 2 later picks and 3rd rounder.
They are horrid.
Smitty : Cards by 17
Johnny: I agree.... next
Smitty : Seahags at Niners
Johnny: I agree.... next
Smitty : Seahags at Niners
Whitey : hags
Smitty : Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to hell!
Johnny: Frank Gore 14...... Seahags 3
Whitey: Hags upset in the bay. It's divisional.
Smitty : Did you forget about Marshawn Lynch? Remember the beast of a run he had against the Saints in the playoffs last year?
Plus, the 'Hags have Charlie Whitehurst. You can't possibly bet against Charlie Whitehurst!!
Whitey : I have to pick upsets, sometimes unfounded. Hags 27-17
Johnny: so when do we have to get our picks in by?
Whitey: Johnny, lets burn a fag.
Johnny: less than 48 hours?
Smitty : By 5pm Thursday.
Johnny: need to get this out tomorrow...
Smitty: Don't try to steal from an Irishman!
Cowboys at Jets....
Johnny: Hannigan is a beast.
Pretty even matchup.... going with the Jets
Whitey : Hate em'. Jets 14-10
Smitty : How much longer can the Jets get by protecting Sanchez with a running game when they keep losing veteran offensive linemen?
Whitey : brb
Johnny: Mike is burning a fag!
Smitty: Is that legal in Mason?
Wait, he lives alone... why not smoke in the condo?
Johnny: Yes.... but it doesnt get you quite the tax incentives it does out here in Ross.
Smitty : Maybe he ordered in some Thai food and the delivery dude's at the door.
Johnny: He's been trained. And he forgot he was trained.
Smitty : I wonder if he's also putting the seat down when he's done pissing
Johnny: If it's an Asian guy... he won't be back for at least 45 minutes.... they like lots of foreplay.
Smitty: but strangely don't like to cuddle
Johnny: so Im told
Smitty : Fuck the Jets, gimme the 'Boys
Pats (with the Ocho) at the Dolphins
Chapman to the rescue!
on to the 12th
Johnny: woot woot
Whitey: Fins! all day
Johnny: lol.... yeah
Smitty : They have Reggie Bush now
Johnny: oh boy
Whitey : sure enough. Pats are overrated
Smitty: Will he be better or worse now that Kim K has moved on to fucking NBA players instead?
Whitey : are we doing WGAF V yet?
Johnny: I agree they’re overrated... but.... still taking Pats
Smitty : I think WGAF is the Reds/Cubs
Whitey : nice
Smitty : Isn't it fucked up that the daughter of the dude who helped get OJ acquitted for double-murder made a sex tape with a 2nd rate rapper and is now a multi-kajillionaire with a tv show and a clothing line?
Whitey: the decline of western civilization
Smitty : Gimme the Pats
Whitey : mistake maybe, but again special teams.
Smitty : Monday Night- Raiders at Donkeys. Over-Under on how many Raider fans will murder Broncos fans in the stands
Whitey: 2 on that. the wgaf raiderz by 3
Johnny: Denvers gonna suck 6 different breeds of donkey this year....
Ill marginally take the Raiders
Sent at 11:38 PM on Tuesday
Smitty : Raiders.
Whitey : so we're in agreement. Al Davis is the anti-christ?
Sent at 11:40 PM on Tuesday
Smitty: Don't know about that but I'll bet the inside of his track suit smells like a dumpster that's been hiding a month-old murder scene
Johnny: Votto just stole an out against Capano
Whitey: That was a bad call.
Smitty : Campano is a dwarf
Johnny: a very quick dwarf
Smitty : He's the league's first raindrop fairy
Smitty : So are we done here?
Any last words?
Johnny: yes... i kinda miss you Mike
hope youre doing well
Smitty : he has a couch you can sleep on
Whitey : no worries here. Happpy as I've ever been.
Smitty : and a bed made for two
... or three
Whitey: you guys are welcome here whenever you want.
lot of good places around. I'm among the living again.
Johnny: see you Thursday at 11 am.... thats when I want
Smitty: See you in :30. I'll bring the Makers, Johnny, you bring some coneys.
Posted by Smitty