Roasted Sheen, Chocolatey Achilles, Bob Seger, Pimento Loaf, Homeless Hooker Night, iCarly in a Bikini, Jodi Foster, Big Momma and a Sphincter Full of Limes

So I'm flipping channels during a commercial break in the Giants-Rams game on Monday night and I never went back to the game. Why? Because while strolling down Television Avenue, something in a storefront window was so freakishly compelling that I had to stop and press my nose to the glass for what turned out to be almost an hour. It was the Comedy Central's Roast of Charlie Sheen. It was hosted by Seth MacFarland and included a dais of Mike Tyson, William Shatner, Jon Lovitz, a few C-level comics, some chick who used to be on Grey's Anatomy, Steve-O, and of course, Jeffrey Ross. The best lines of the night were delivered by Jeff Ross directed at Mike Tyson- "Mike, what is that on your face, a tattoo or a pepper spray target?", comedian Anthony Jeselnik to Sheen- “Charlie, you are a monster. Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of ‘Law and Order, SVU”, comedian Amy Schumer to William Shatner- "I've seen less bloated men fished out of rivers" and Jeff Ross to Sheen- "Charlie, your nostrils are so snotty and filled with coke, they could be called the Hilton sisters." I learned that I still LOVE these Comedy Central roasts, that Charlie Sheen is a good sport, and that although Charlie is still and will forevermore be an insane person, he will never EVER be as crazy as Steve-O. Check out Steve-O face-diving into Tyson's fist during the closing credits and read Shatner's lips at the :47 mark.






Now, on with the Matchups...



Jaguars at Panthers-

I think it’s safe to say that The Luke McCown Experiment can officially be classified as an abject failure. Through two games, not-so-cool-hand Luke threw four interceptions, zero touchdowns, managed just 117 passing yards per game and has a QB rating of 30.6. If that experiment had been held in a controlled laboratory setting, flashing lights and alarms would’ve been going off almost immediately and now there would be nothing left to do but send in some expendable low-level employees in hazmat suits to scrub down the walls and mop the floors. The Cam Newton Experiment, however, seems to be going quite swimmingly. It’s been like watching a chocolatey Achilles careening across the battlefield to the sound of a soaring orchestra with nubile young women and once-jaded middle-aged sportscasters left swooning in his sparkling wake. And then he looks over and smiles and we all feel kinda funny inside.





Lions at Vikings-

Oh it’s on. It’s on like Ndamukong! The boy named Suh and the newly redesigned Lions are so far living up to the hype. For their sakes, I hope they stay hungry, maintain their intensity and can handle attention to come from their early season success. It’s like a famous Michigander once sang,

No more games, I'ma change for due called rage
Tear this muthafuckin' roof off like two dogs caged
I was playin' in the beginnin', the mood all changed
I've been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage
But I kept rhymin' and stepped writin' the next cipher
Best believe somebody's payin' the pied piper
All the pain inside amplified by the
Fact that I can't get by with my nine to five
And I can't provide the right type of life for my family
Cuz, man, these goddamn food stamps don't buy diapers
And there's no movie, there's no Mekhi Pfifer
This is my life and these times are so hard
And it's gettin' even harder tryin' to feed and water
My seed plus teeter-totter
Caught up between bein' a father and a pre-madonna
Baby momma drama, screamin' on her
Too much for me to wanna stay in one spot
Another damn or not has gotten me to the point
I'm like a snail, I've got to formulate a plot
Or end up in jail or shot
Success is my only muthafuckin' option, failure's not
Momma love you but this trailer's got to go
I cannot grow old in Salem's Lot
So here I go, it's my shot
Feet fail me not
Cuz maybe the only opportunity that I got
You better lose yourself in the music
The moment you own it you better never let it go, oh
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Cuz opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo
You better lose yourself in the music
The moment you own it you better never let it go, oh
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Cuz opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo
You better

Man, that Glenn Frey was dope. What? That wasn’t Glenn Frey? Oh right, Bob Seger, of course. Where did I get Glenn Frey? Sorry, wow, that doesn’t even sound remotely like Glenn Frey.

Niners at Bengals-

Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!!!





Dolphins at Browns-

When asked what was wrong with the Dolphins, head coach Tony Sparano said, “I don’t have any answers.” Really? Nothing? I thought you got paid to come up with the answers. Or do you just get paid to stand on the sidelines dreaming up news sauce-pasta-meat combinations? (If so, I’d like to submit alfredo-pappardelle-veal medallions) Tony, if you seriously can’t come up with anything to help the team on the field, maybe head up into the crowd during your next home game and ask one of the literally dozens of teal & orange-clad illegal immigrants fans for their input. Or better yet, go ask Dolphins cheerleader Kylee who has a BA from the University of South Florida and who seems to always have two fantastic answers for everything.

Patriots at Bills-

This Sunday in Foxboro, the same conversation will be heard at urinals all throughout Gillette Stadium… “Yeah, that Hahvud kid is good but he ain’t no Tom Brady. He may be smaht but Brady’s wicked smaht and he’sot a goddamn cannon. Plus, he gets to stick his prick in that supermodel wife of his every night. EVERY NIGHT! Speaking of pricks, what the hell’s wrong with yours? Jesus Christ, Sully, look at all those fucking red spots… it looks like a goddamn pimento loaf…”

Giants at Eagles-

You know, I can’t tell if Mike Vick’s comeback is an inspiring story of redemption and rebirth or if it’s just God’s way of reminding dogs that they’re just fucking dogs. Either way, last week when Vick was lying on the turf after being knocked nearly unconscious, it sure would’ve been nice to see a defender take off his helmet, pounce on him, wrap his jaws in a death grip around his neck and start shaking him violently.





Broncos at Titans-

As part of the NFL’s newly formed and mostly unpublicized outreach program, in an attempt to make opposing quarterback Kyle Orton feel more at home while in Tennessee this Sunday, Titans fans will be instructed to chant “Tee-Bow ! Tee-Bow! Tee-Bow!” whenever Orton throws an incompletion, interception, completion short of a first down, fumbles, gets sacked, lines up behind center, runs onto the field, runs off of the field, takes off his helmet, puts on his helmet, spits, sneezes, speaks, breathes, blinks or burps .




Texans at Saints-

This should be a good test for Houston to see if they can go on the road and out-gun one of the other top offenses in the league. It promises to have so much scoring that it will look like Charlie Sheen’s house on Homeless Hookers Snort for Free Night (aka Thursdays).

Jets at Raiders-

I was asked earlier today why it is that I don’t seem to care too much for Jets head coach Rex Ryan. After much deliberation, I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t like him because he’s a fat, loud-mouthed attention whore with a foot fetish who still owes me $10 for that can of Tinactin I picked up for him three years ago. Hmmm… you know, substitute Vagisil for the Tinactin and I can say all of the same things about Mama Squintz, and I love Mama Squintz. It must be something else about Rex that bothers me. Oh, I know… it’s because he’s the head coach of fucking J! –E! – T! – S! Jets Jets!! Jets!!! , SUCK! SUCK!! SUCK!!! FUCK YOU, YOU JERSEY FUCKS! GUIDO MOTHERFUCKERS! GO SPRAY TAN YOURSELVES AND SWAP INFECTIONS WITH YOUR SNOOKI-LOOKING CUMDUMPSTER GIRLFRIENDS! Except for the NYFD, youse guys are okay. 9/11, Never Forget. (Except for you, Fireman Ed, you scumbag attention whore)

Ravens at Rams-

Last year’s NFC West champs will likely drop to 0-3 after this Sunday but in their defense the schedule makers were not kind to them. They faced the Eagles in Week One, at the Giants in Week 2 and now have the Ravens in Week 3. You could say that early season schedule is harder than Johnny B a twelve year old boy watching a special going-to-the-beach episode of iCarly, or as hard as a serial killer Johnny B watching the gang-rape-on-the –pinball-machine scene of Jodie Foster’s character in The Accused. You could say that. I wouldn’t, but you could.

Chiefs at Chargers-

The Chiefs are fucking motherfucking horrible. Horrible is being 0-2 and only scoring ten points combined in both games. Fucking Horrible is being 0-2, scoring only ten points combined in both games and giving up 89 points in those two games. Fucking Motherfucking Horrible is being 0-2, scoring only ten points combined in both games while giving up 89 points in those two games and having lost your best offensive player (Jamaal Charles) and your best defensive player (Eric Berry) for the season. I have no other choice but to do something unprecedented here. According to my records, this is three weeks earlier than ever done before but I really don’t need see any reason to wait (No, not even Kerry Collins starting in Indy gives me enough pause). Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, Jews, Gentiles, and NFL fans everywhere, …. The Kansas City Chiefs are now on the clock.

Falcons at Buccaneers-

Matty Ice heads back down to Tampa Bay to take on Josh & the Neverland Pirates. Surprisingly, he’s lead the Falcons to two straight wins down there. Surprising considering the feverish disdain that pirates have historically had towards gingers. What? You aren’t aware of how pirates treated gingers that they captured? Well, in an attempt to maintain the family-friendly tone of this blog, let’s just say that it involved a blindfold, some strong rope, a family of angry, starving baboons and a sphincter full of limes. Then screaming. Lots and lots of screaming.




Cardinals at Seahawks-

Hey kids, it’s Cheerleader PosedownTime!

Packers at Bears-

It’s nice to see the Bears O-line picking up right where they left off last season, doing their best impression of a five-lane turnstile made out of drinking straws and marshmallows. Cutler’s already been sacked eleven times and knocked down another eighteen in the first two games. Odds on him not suffering some kind of internal bleeding before Halloween sits at 500-1.




Steelers at Colts-

Okay, we all knew Kerry Collins was no Peyton Manning but good Lord in denim, he doesn’t even resemble a quarterback at this point. It’s like watching one of the animatronic characters at Disney’s Country Bear Jamboree. The herky-jerky mechanical arm movements, the slow head swivel punctuated every 5.2 seconds with a blinking of the eyes, it’s all there. Oh, and let’s not forget that he’s also not very bright (even for a Penn State grad). That big Atlas Shrugged-sized playbook of the Colts is going to have to get pared down a lot more to something even less complex than the script to a Tyler Perry movie for Collins to grasp it.

Monday Night

Redskins at Cowboys-

Everything you need to know about this matchup is on the injury report. Miles Austin (hamstring) , Dez Bryant (knee) and Felix Jones (shoulder) may all be out for Dallas and Tony Romo is questionable with a cracked rib and punctured lung. Rex Grossman is not injured and will definitely start for Washington. That’s all I need to hear; I’ll take the Cowboys.