I've also learned that I can only let you guys do this once a year. Not because you can't do it, but more simply because I realize that I need to do it. This is my therapy. Without this, I'd have to store up all my sarcasm, impatience, bitterness and rage, and eventually let it explode all over some unsuspecting young passerby who would make the fatal mistake of crossing my path while donning a Niners jacket and humming along to some Third Eye Blind. Die! You miserable gay lover of Joe Montana and bland pop music, Die!, Die!!, Die!!!
Lucky for that guy, I forgot to assign the college games to any of you, so I'll take care of the campus activity. Let's get on with the Matchups.......
Texas Tech at Texas A&M- by Don Smitty
Now this is my kind of game. Two in-state and in-conference rivals, both in the Top 25, knocking heads in front of more than 80,000 people, none of whom even considered for a second to vote for Al Gore or John Kerry. It's what they call a "red" state. Just how red? Well, Texas Tech has a fan club for kids 13 and under that's called, and I swear I'm not making this up, the Guns Up Club. Seriously. Go here if you don't believe me- http://texastech.collegesports.com/ot/gunsupclub.html
And speaking of getting your guns up, check out our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleaders of the Week!! (see above link). Since this week's Matchups are a team effort, I figured we needed a team effort on the cheerleader side as well. For the record, I seem to be partial to the brunette, second from the left in the front row.
Georgia at Auburn- by Don Smitty
The following is taken straight from Auburn Athletics official web page:
"Whenever Auburn people gather, the battle cry "Warrrrrrr Eagle!" is almost certain to be heard. Although little is actually known about how the battle cry originated, it has been a part of Auburn's spirit for more than 100 years. Since the first War Eagle, there have been five other birds throughout Auburn's history which have served as the school's symbol and kept alive the legendary battle cry.
The first War Eagle, according to legend, died the same day it inspired Auburn students to yell its name -- 1892 in Atlanta's Piedmont Park when Auburn played Georgia in the Deep South's first football game. In 1932, a group of Auburn people got together and bought a second eagle from a farmer for $10. Due to economic problems caused by the Great Depression, however, the group could not afford to feed the bird and was forced to give it away to a carnival that was passing through town. Nearly 30 years later, in 1960, Auburn received a wounded eagle from Dr. Dell Hill of Talladega, Ala. An Auburn architecture student, Jon Bowden, took care of War Eagle III for a few months but eventually gave him to another student, Elwyn Hamer. During the week prior to Auburn's game against Alabama in 1964, War Eagle III broke free and landed in a nearby backyard. The owner of the property shot and killed the eagle claiming it was attacking his children.
The following year, 1965, the City of Birmingham acquired an eagle from the Jackson, Miss., zoo and gave it to Auburn. War Eagle IV would enjoy a reign of 15 years.
War Eagle V arrived in Auburn March 3, 1981 from Wyoming. After examination and observation at the College of Veterinary Medicine, the two-year-old immature golden eagle was presented to the university on A-Day, May 9, 1981. She died Sept. 4, 1986 after suffering a ruptured spleen....."
Hmmm..... I think I've got a slogan for this program:
Auburn Football: "We buy inexpensive endangered species, then either mistreat, shoot at, maim, kill, or sell them to carnivals. If we can do this to our mascot, just think of what we do to the Negroes."
Bears at Titans- by Felipe from the Block
Little known fact : Tennessee head coach Jeff Fisher was a member of the record setting 1986 Chicago Bears defense. He was the guy with the porno mustache behind Walter Payton and the Fridge singing the Super Bowl Shuffle. In addition Fisher has been known to serve as Hamilton County Commissioner Todd Portune's stunt double!
Ravens at Jets- by Sticky Mitts
Jets, Jets, Jets----Led by Chad Pennington who I will name my future illegitimate son after. There will be hanging Chads in this matchup---whatever the hell that means. The Golden Swami predicts a win by the Baltimore Ravens. Ray Lewis will intercept the Chadster twice and put him on the DL for the remainder of the season--- sorry Jets fans. Golden Mit also predicts a new single week record in the Pigskin Palooza for the Don Smitty with 200 points. Up to this point, Smitty has played with the "throw a dart at the NFL team board" method to select his winners for the week. This week, he will bet the exact opposite picks of Johnny Yardrocks in order to accomplish this amazing feat. This 200 point week may allow the Don Smitty to leap into second last place! By the way, final score of the Jets/Ravens game--------Jets 3, ravens 69 dude.
Texans at Colts- by Johnny Yardrocks
Early this spring, Smitty and I sat on our fat asses for what seemed like twelve weeks, drank imported Scandinavian swill, which had the distinct aftertaste of Mamma Squints' bath water(I dig rocks all day, Mama Squints cleans my rocks all night), and watched Archie & the All In the Family crew make a disgrace of the draft process. From the Chargers to the Giants in a New York minute. So with that being said,.....I'll say this.....
Fuck the Colts! Fuck that pasty white albino'd-ass motherfucker! (I'm talking about Peyton, not Tony Dungy)
Fucking the whole Manning family!
I hope Carr throws 7 TD's for 600 yards and Peyton loses an eye. And that, gentlemen is the kind of attitude it takes to be third from last in this little pool. I have got to go now....Mama Squints says my bath is ready.
Lions at Jaguars- by Johnny Yardrocks
Late this summer, I made a 12-pack bet with some asshole that the Bears would have more wins than the Lions. I just have on thing to say......You want cans or bottles?
This is Bo Knows, bitches!!! Enjoy yourself.
Steelers at Browns- by Yiddy Skyfrog
Good news for the Steelers: Jeff Garcia is leaving the team now that Ohio passed the No Gay Marriage law. He and his male lover "Ben-me-over-and-ram-it-home" Roethlisberger" are moving back to San Francisco to tie the knot and settle down in a nice little flat overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge. Little "Benji" is still a virgin. But he says "Having Jeffy in me will feel like eating 24 atomic wings at BW3 and washing it down a dozen jalapeno peppers" ...
......Speaking of fucking, did you know.... that..
a) Suzy Kolber is trick fucking Merrill Hodge
b) Leslie Visser went "hammer city" with John Madden
c) Bonnie Bernstein used to bake brownies for Scotti Pippin and eat them out of his ass...
Chiefs at Saints- by Matty Rogaine
Ode to Mrs. Callahan from deuce & Priest
She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood
She's turned more tricks than Houdini
She's been in more motel rooms than the Bible
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak
She's been mounted more often than Trigger
She's been involved with more animals than Marlon Perkins
She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope
She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube
She's spent more time under men than barstools
She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge
She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes
She's been under more sheets than the KKK
She's had more marines land on her bed than on Iwo Jima
Hoover classifies her tongue as a vacuum cleaner
Her body has been declared a national recreation area
Her diaphragms come with a service contract
Her pantyhose have a pet door
prediction: Chiefs 42- Saints 13
Panthers at Niners- by Jimmy Squints
Thanks for the great game. Since I take more abuse than Kevin Smith dishes out to himself after watching an episode of Desperate Housewives, I incorrectly thought I would get a better game. Now I know how Don Criqui and Steve Tasker feel. Any person who watches this game is a total loser. In conclusion, Damn the Niners! DAMN THEM STRAIGHT TO HELL!
Seahawks at Rams- by Long Duck Dweng
Tonight on Fox..........The battle for the NFC West title belt!
Joe, we have two true heavyweights in the ring tonight. Mike "Baby Face" Martz versus Mike "Womb Broom" Holmgren. This should be quite a battle.
That's right, Tim. I think both these fighters have come to win at any cost as we've seen in the first round. As we start the second round, it looks like Holmgren has something up his sleeve but hi is knocked to the ground before he can remove it. It looks like Martz has come with a trick of his own. Yes it is folks, that is a Bulger in his pants and he's using it like he has been in this position before. Wow, that has got to hurt!
Bengals at Redskins- by Yiddy Skyfrog
Ahhh 2 proud franchises each headed by a football legend...Washington under the watchful eye of Joe Gibbs, the first time around, went to 4 Super Bowls, winning 3. He got to watch Joe Theisman's (as in Heisman) ankle twist like a soggy pretzel up close. He watched John Riggins get drunk and puke in the punch bowl. And he went to the Super Bowl with both Doug Williams (The original black Jesus) and Mark Rypien as quarterbacks. Then Gibbs got real red on us and turned his attention to the sport where only white trash hill rats with rusty pickup trucks and gun racks participate, NASFUCKINGCAR. Dale Earnhart is FUCKING DEAD!!! He didn't rise from the dead on the third day. "Little E" is not the son of God. So get the number 3 with the halo off the back of your sorry excuse for a vehicle and get on with your miserable cigarette smoking, Pabst drinking, porno watching life. Get back to bitch slappin' the old lady every time pretty boy Jeff Gordon wins.
And the other Legend Mike Brown..Oh sure he hasn't won in 14 years and he did draft David Klingler and Akili Smith, but he beat those evil bastards at the IRS out 40 million dollars. He also got all you jackoffs who still live in Hamilton county to build him a palace and each evening after he's finished washing Mike's 1996 Chevy Lumina, Bob Bedinghaus drops to both knees and gives Mike a blowjob that would make Linda Lovelace proud.
Bucs at Falcons- by.......no one
(You da man, UNS)
Vikings at Packers- by LL Cool Wop
Do you remember the days of the Frozen Tundra at Lambeau Field and great defensive teams? Good, cause you won't see it this week. Lombardi is turning in his ice tumbler coffin with the defense of today. In a battle of "last possession wins", let's see if we can top a 100-point total for the Over. This last Monday's Over was 50+ with the other challenger (Indy) being all O and no D. No, Brett, this is a different OD- not the painkiller and beer type. Sad thought is that both are still in the hunt.
Giants at Cardinals- by Felipe from the Block
It was nice to see the Bengals of the Southwest pick up their first road victory since 1977! Maybe Denny Green will stop wearing those "fat" suits on future trips to South Beach.
On to this week.......... The BOSW take on the G-Men led by drill sergeant Tom Coughlin. Not a good week to be a Giants fan. First, the meltdown vs the Bears, then that gap toothed Chunky Soup-eating defensive end of theirs injured himself and is now done for the season. I can hear the calls for Eli! Eli! Eli! in the second half of the season as the G-Men go from 5-3 to 5-11.
Bills at Patriots- by Danny Bedpans
Is this game really worth writing about? It would be more interesting to see if Drew Bledsoe could outrun Coach Belicheck in a foot race rather than watch this game. With the Patriots secondary all laid up in an orthopedic unit somewhere, the Bills have an outside chance of pulling this one off (insert our "And monkeys might fly out of my butt" joke here). Seriously, they give it to McGahee 50 times and he rushes for close to 200 yards, and they might have a chance. If they don't, you know the Patriots are going to be all over Bledsoe like flies on a steaming pile of shit. Coincidentally, a steaming pile of shit is exactly what Bledsoe turned into this year.
(Monday Night) Eagles at Cowboys- by Big Schlossy
Is it a requirement for NFL receivers to have a bi-polar disorder? The two top receivers in this matchup are prime examples. One week T.O. is imitating Ray Lewis and having fun. Then the next week he's screaming at McNabb on the sideline like his boy Jeff Garcia (which may result in his ass getting shot like 2 Pac or the Notorious B.I.G. Ray-Ray and his boyz will have their revenge and lay the smack down...I mean T.O. must have a death wish to bring up the double murder case like that).
Then, on the other sideline you have Keyshawn "Throw me the Damn Ball" Johnson (kin to Chad "Throw me the Damn Ball" Johnson) who is less productive than T.O. (although he leads the league inpenis yards from scrotum) but has an equivalent history of sideline temper tantrums. Maybe these two babies can change each others' diapers after the game.
Black men changing diapers...this reminds me of a funny story. A dingy female college friend of mine was a nurse at a nursing home. One of her chores was to clean the elderly people that she cared for. One day, she was cleaning an incoherent old black guy while he layed in bed. She was trying to wipe up a large piece of shit that was stuck between his legs, but the poop would not wipe up, so she scrubbed harder and harder. She finally discovered that it was actually this dude's giants cock tucked between his legs and sticking out of his butt cheeks like a piece of dung.
How's that for a visual? The girl is kinda hot, so to this day I find the story oddly erotic. Perfect timing, Mama Squints is at the door.