It's Thanksgiving Week, a time to count our blessings and take notice of all that we have to be thankful for- our health, our families, our friends, our freedom, our rugged good looks, our 11-inch monster meat hogs, our swimsuit model wives, our shoe contracts, our.......Dammit, I'm having that daydream again where I'm Shaq and I'm hanging out with Jay Z & Nelly. I love that dream. Always ends with me (Shaq) banging Beyonce on the deck of my yacht while Jay Z and Nelly are down in the hull sleeping off a magnum of Cristal with a big-breasted Costa Rican coke whore named Cuchiana and her Swedish friend named Mrs. Tiger Woods.
As I was saying, Thanksgiving is a time to, well, give thanks. Just like the early American settlers sat down and gave thanks for the abundance of food, the fresh water, the beautiful land, their new indian friends, and most of all, for their new indian friends' complete ignorance regarding property values, so should we give thanks for all that we are blessed with. And since one of the most important of these blessings is the game of football, I figured, Hey, what better way to share this national holiday than to peek in on the NFL's first family, the Mannings, as they celebrate Thanksgiving at their family home in New Orleans. Let's check in on their holiday, already in progress...........
Mrs. Manning: Oh bo-ooys!, Archie!, Dinner's ready!
Peyton: It's about time, I'm starving.
Eli: I get the chair by the window.
Peyton: No way, I do.
Cooper: No, I'm the oldest, I get first dibs.
Archie: Would you three shut the fuck up?! As the patriarch of this family, I've already decided who's sitting where, who's saying Grace, who's carving the turkey, what we'll be serving with the turkey, what we'll be drinking, what we'll be talking about, and the order in which we'll be taking turns in the shitter after dinner. So pipe the fuck down!
Now, I'll be sitting at the head of the table, of course, and you're mother will be at the other end. Peyton, you'll be by yourself on the side by the window, and Coop & Eli will be next to each other on the other side.
Eli: Aww Dad....
Archie: Shut your hole, Eli!
Peyton: Yeah, shut your hole, rookie.
Eli (under his breath): Horse face.
Peyton (under his breath): Dick licker.
Archie: Pipe down, I said! I'm about to say Grace.
Mrs. Manning: Boys, shhhh. Go ahead, Archie.
Archie: Thank you, Dear. Now then,............Lord, we thank you for the wonderful food which we are about to eat. We thank you for the expensive plates we are about to eat the food off of. And we thank you for the beautiful home that we are in as we are about to eat the wonderful food off of the expensive plates. We also thank you for the NFL Players Association, for the collective bargaining agreement, and for the network tv contracts that have helped this family become rich beyond our wildest dreams. And Lord, in keeping with this, please watch over our family. Keep us healthy and strong, and please, especially, watch over Peyton as he goes for Dan Marino's single-season touchdown record...... Oh yeah, and please bless sick kids, the poor, the unfortunate, etcetera, etcetera....Amen.
Archie: Now let's eat! Honey, would you get me another scotch & soda please?
Mrs. Manning: Of course, Dear.
Eli: Dad, how come you didn't ask God to look out for me?
Archie: Goddammit, Eli, are you going to start in with this shit again?
Eli: It's just that it's always about Peyton. Peyton did this, Peyton did that. It's always been that way. Heck, we're eating Thanksgiving dinner on a Tuesday night because Peyton has a game on Thursday. If I was playing on Thursday, would we be..
Cooper: Quit your crying, you stupid fuck.
Eli: Make me!
Cooper: I'll shove this gravy boat up your ass.
Archie: Shut up dammit! Or I'll shove gravy boats up both your asses!
Peyton: Coop, would you please pass the cranberry sauce?
Eli: He can't pass them to you. He's not a quarterback. Are you, Coop? Are you an NFL quarterback? Are you? Are you?
Cooper: I HAVE A DISEASE AND YOU KNOW IT!
Eli: You're a pussy.
Peyton: Shut up Eli!
Eli: You shut up, Mr. Audible. Do you know how excruciating it is to watch you play with all your audibles on every fucking play? You're offensive line hates you, they all told me.
Peyton: Fuck you.
Eli: No, fuck you. Hey, why don't you call an audible right now, right here at the table? Yeah, back your chair up and tell Coop you don't want the cranberry sauce, instead, you want some stuffing. Then go ahead and put Mom in motion to the weak side to get some more dinner rolls.
Peyton: You're just jealous.
Eli: And you think you're so cool. I got news for you big brother, some day, I'm gonna break all of your records!
Peyton: The only thing you're gonna break is your pelvis from being ass-fucked too hard by Jeremy Shockey.
Eli: I told you, WE ARE JUST FRIENDS!!
Archie: Oh God. I think I just shit myself.
Eli: I don't have to take this. I'm outta here.
Mrs. Manning: Eli honey, don't go.
Eli: Sorry Mom, but I'm going somewhere where I'm respected.
Archie: Where are you going?
Eli: I don't have to tell you.
Peyton: Yeah, where ya going Eli?...Huh?....Where?......Tell us?
Eli: Shut up!
Peyton: You're going to Shockey's house, aren't you?
Eli: .........I hate you.
Now, on with the Matchups.......
(Friday) Texas A&M at Texas-
"Only two things come from Texas, boy: Steers and queers."
So does that mean Aggie is slang for faggot?
(Saturday) Virginia at Virginia Tech-
According to the Va. Tech official web site, the team got its nickname, the Hokies, from the youngest son of the rural family that sold its' farmland, the very same land that the university sits on today. Apparently, the young boy's real name was Henry, but he got the nickname "Hoke" at an early age because that's how he pronounced his favorite food- egg yolk. "Hoke" evolved into "Hokie" and it stuck. At the age of nine, young Hokie was diagnosed with a rare affliction wherein the small intestine becomes arthritic, causing severe cramping, and eventual death due to infection, stemming from an inability to rid one's self of body waste. Although very treatable with drugs today, those drugs were not available at the time. The only known treatment was to remove one's arthritic intestine and replace it with a piece of tubing dipped in candle wax. A very risky procedure that very few patients survived. Surprisingly, the operation on young Hokie was succesful. His story instantly became an inspiration to everyone in Blacksburg and when the university fielded its first sports team (lawn bowling) in 1887, they voted unanimously to adopt the nickname "Hokies" in his honor.
(The preceding story was completely created in my own sick mind. Sorry.)
(Thursday) Colts at Lions-
Ahh, Detroit. What better place to celebrate Thanksgiving than with the sports fans who invented post-championship street rioting and who have now perfected fan-player violence?
(Thursday) Bears at Cowboys-
Hey, with a game like this, who needs tryptophan?
Ravens at Patriots-
You know, once you get past the two Lewis felons, the cocky asshole head coach, the strutting media-whore cornerback, the ref-shoving cyclops right tackle, and the old, miserly vagabond owner, this team is easy to root for.
Bills at Seahawks-
The real question here is whether Holmgren will awake from his post-Thanksgiving Dinner nap in time for kickoff.
Browns at Bengals-
The Bengals offense has scored zero points in the 2nd halves of their last two games and the Browns offense was booed off the filed last week at home.
I'm taking the Under.
Titans at Texans-
What could be more predictable than yet another late-November push by Jeff Fisher's Titans?.....
Jaguars at Vikings-
......How about yet another November collapse by the Vikings?
No Moss=No Mas.
Chargers at Chiefs-
Officer Barbrady's Chargers are 7-3 and in first place in the AFC West. The only thing more shocking this fall has been that big black dude on The Real World: Philadelphia announcing that he's gay.
I definitely did not see that one coming.
Dolphins at Niners-
I would honestly rather watch a body decompose.
Jets at Cardinals-
Funniest new tv commercial- the Fed Ex spot where the fat teenager asks the clerk to send a package to "Pee-Ho-Nicks". She says, "Where?" Then he says, "Pee-Ho-Hicks. You know, the capital of Arizona". Then another customer overhearing says, "I think you mean Phoenix."
And yes, I know the Cardinals play in Tempe. This well only runs so deep.
Redskins at Steelers-
Joe Gibbs, meet Joe Paterno. Joe Paterno, meet Joe Gibbs.
Saints at Falcons-
After briefly being put on hold, the Jim Haslett Farewell Tour hits the road again this week in Atlanta!
Buccaneers at Panthers-
Big win last week for the reigning NFC champs. What are the Panthers now, 2-7? I haven't seen a title defense this pathetic since Tommy Gunn got his ass kicked in the street by a retired, dain bramaged, Rocky Balboa at the end of Rocky IV.
Eagles at Giants-
What could I possibly say that I haven't said already?
Uhhh....Eli has dick warts. Did I say that already. I didn't, did I? Okay, good.
Raiders at Broncos-
I like to imagine that Al Davis has his very own personal sauna at the Raiders training complex and that he invites players into the steam from time to time for little "chats". You know, the kind of chats that Russian mob bosses have with their underlings. I also like to imagine that this year he's been regularly inviting Warren Sapp, Sebastian Janikowski, and Kerry Collins. Then I like to imagine what that sauna must smell like. I imagine it smells like halitosis, wrapped in bologna, sprinkled with pit sweat, and dipped in vodka. Or, in other words, like Mama Squintz' bra after a hard day of Christmas shopping.
(Monday Night) Rams at Packers- If Brett Favre was a woman, I'd have wet dreams about him. But since he's not, I have no other choice but to stick with Crista- our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week! (see above link)