So, Superman's dead.
That kind of news would normally suck, but seeing as though he's been pretty useless in his whole "Saving the World" role the past few years, it's really not even front-page at this point. But in his defense, there weren't exactly a whole lot of crime-fighting techniques available to him. What was he going to do, become proficient with a blow dart? Even if he had learned to shoot poisonous projectiles like a world champion redneck seed-spitter, he still would've needed to take on a sidekick to hold the blow dart tube thingy up to his mouth, right? Not exactly something to strike fear in the hearts of the evil doers.
But still, Superman's dead and that sucks. We've got several Batmen, one five-foot two-inch Spiderman, and a Daredevil who just got dumped by a big-assed latino pop singer, but no more Superman. That's a problem. And not having a healthy & productive Superman is a problem we've been living with for way too long now. Do you think the World Trade Center would've been hit if Superman hadn't been confined to a wheelchair? No way. He would've darted into the sky, redirected those planes, and safely landed them at Laguardia. Then, he would've flown (faster than a speeding bullet of course) into Pennsylvania, and then on to D.C. and stopped those planes as well. Plus, do you honestly think that Bin Laden would still be on the run if Superman hadn't been on the Injured Reserve List? No chance. X-Ray vision and a Super Punch through the side of one of those Afghan mountains and he'd have plucked him out in no time. And how about the wildfires a couple years ago out west? Just a lung-full from Superdude would've put those puppies out like candles on a birthday cake. The hurricanes in Florida this summer? No problem, just a few Superspins around the storms in the opposite direction & viola, they're put to rest. The Space Shuttle disaster last year, the D.C. Sniper, the North Korean WMD issue, the ethnic cleansing in Bosnia, the coupling of Brigitte Nielsen and Flava Flav on The Surreal Life 3,......- No problem, no problem, no problem, no problem, aaaaaand no problem.
But here's the problem: we need to find a new Superman. And before you say it, No, Rodney Dangerfield and Ken Caminiti are no longer available. Speaking of Rodney Dangerfield, I'd like to think that when he got up to the Pearly Gates it went something like this:
Rodney: "Saint Peter, it's me, Rodney!"
St. Peter: "Rodney? Rodney who?"
Rodney: "Do I look Chinese to you? No, not Rodney Hoo, Rodney Dangerfield."
St. Peter: "I'm sorry Mr. Dangerfield, but you are not on the guest list."
Rodney: "What? Whaddya mean Not on the guest list? Why?"
St. Peter: "Apparently it was determined that you did not lead an honorable, Christian life."
Rodney: "Oh yeah? Well I'd like a second opinion."
St. Peter: "Okay. You're ugly, too."
Rodney: "Boy I tell ya'................"
This goes back to my whole "God has to have a great sense of humor" thing. I'm totally banking on that, you know. I mean, you did read the first paragraph, right?
So anyway, we need to find a replacement for Superman. But who? Who could slip on the tights, the boots, the cape, stick out the chest, and bring back world order? Well, not to digress, but speaking of sticking one's chest out, don't forget to check out our newest Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week (see above link). As for the new Superman, I've given this a lot of thought. I started by rifling through the normal cast of characters- you know, Keanu Reeves, Andrew McCarthy, Jon Cryer, Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, etc....but surprisingly I just couldn't find the right fit. Then it hit me. I was looking at it all backwards. Don't look at who could pull off bad acting in a bad costume, look for someone with the most important quality we as a society need from our Superman. Simply put: Look for someone who won't die!
Now the decision is easy. Just pick someone who seemingly can't be killed. Thinking.....thinking.....AHA!
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our next Superman,...........
Do you think a little kryptonite would bother Keith Richards? You know, I think he'd probably melt it down into a liquid, mix it with some scotch and sip it on the rocks. And I don't think we have to worry about any horseback riding injuries with him, either. Keith Richards on a horse? A whore maybe, but definitely not a horse. Sure, he'd have his problems staying sober and there might be a few mishaps with some errant heat vision & so forth, but who cares. He'd be like a hard-throwing closer with a serious lack of control. Like Nuke Laloosh with Superpowers. That should keep everyone on their toes.
Hey Bob, before you come over I thought I'd let you know to be a little careful. Superman just took out a bus on 17th street. Looks like he's angry tonight.
Great. Probably drinking Jagermeister again. He's so much nicer when he's just sipping vodka. Okay, be there in about twenty minutes.
Oh, wait. He just misfired with his Superbreath and took out the bridge. Better go through Central Park.
Keith Richards. Superman. I love it.
Rest well Mr. Reeves and don't worry about us mere mortals. Go ahead, sip on a tall glass of heavenly iced tea, play the kazoo, blow the hair out of your face and just relax. Our new Superman is on the job. He may not be perfect, but so what? You can't always get what you want. But you know, if you try sometimes,... you might find,... you get what'cha ne-eeed.
(And yes, there probably was room for a "Hey hey, You you, get off of my cloud" joke in there somewhere. But let's just move on, shall we?)
Now, on with the SuperMatchups of the week.........
Virginia at Florida State-
This is quite possibly the best squad Virginia has had in decades. Can the Seminoles squash them as usual? Let's put it this way, I think that by the beginning of the 4th quarter, the FSU faithful will be chanting "Ohhh-ohhhh-No-oooo-oh, Whoa-ohhhh-No-oooo-oh".
UCLA at Cal-
Seriously, shouldn't Cal change it's nickname from the Bears to the Ripkens? Let's get somebody on this.
Panthers at Eagles-
Speaking of nicknames, I've got a great marketing idea for the Iggles. They really need to take full advantage & capitalize on the great start for McNabb and T.O. Tell Donnie Mac to grow his hair out, then package him and Owens as "TO and 'FRO".
You know, it almost hurts being this creative.
Packers at Lions-
The Lions are 3-1 and have won two straight on the road. Meanwhile, the Packers are 1-4 and have lost three straight at home. Hmmmm. There's really only one thing to say to that: Superman, meet Bizarro. Bizarro, meet Superman.
Chiefs at Jaguars-
Congratulations to the Jags who managed to step on their own dicks down there in San Diego last week. Now they have to hold off a desperate yet talented KC team in order to avoid losing three in a row. Something tells me that the NFL Films review of the 2004 Jaguars will start off something like, "The season started well for these young, hungry Jaguars. But then, well, they started to really suck."
Chargers at Falcons-
After the Chargers upset of the Jaguars last Sunday, Officer Barbrady made the comment that Ladanian Tomlinson is the best running back he's ever seen and that includes Jim Brown. Mark that down as the first public dick-sucking of the season!
Bengals at Browns-
Here we have our first Parachute Game of the season. Two teams, one parachute. One team will float softly to the ground, with hope still alive and some momentum. The other will slam into the earth so hard that we'll need dental records to identify them.
Texans at Titans-
Steve McNair battled through a severely brusied sternum and led the Titans to more than 40 points in their Monday night victory in Green Bay, just proving once again that Irishmen do indeed make the best quarterbacks.
Broncos at Raiders (Part I)-
Speaking of Irish quarterbacks, have you seen Kerry Collins lately? Let's just say it looks like he's eating well. I caught a glimpse of hm in the Raiders highlights last week & for a few seconds I thought I was watching Sebastian Janikowski rolling out on a fake field goal. Not good. When one of your quarterbacks is in a neck brace and the other looks like he just swallowed an entire ham, you may have a problem.
Dolphins at Bills-
The bad news: The Road to 0-16 will lose one team this week.
The good news: The Road to 0-16 is guaranteed to continue for one team this week!
Seahawks at Patriots-
I couldn't help but notice that Mike Holmgren was wearing a pink Breast Cancer Awareness ribbon on his sweater last Sunday. That's nice. But seeing as though his team blew a 17-point lead to the Rams with less than six minutes to go, he might've been better suited for the brown Unexpected Ass-Reaming Awareness ribbon.
Niners at Jets-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to Hell!!!!!
Redskins at Bears-
Coach Gibbs, the phone is for you. It's Dr. Kevorkian.
Broncos at Raiders (Part II)-
The Vegas line is 2 to 1 that Jerry Rice catches a pass this week.
The line is 3 to 1 that he catches two passes.
The line is 5 to 1 that he catches a touchdown pass.
The line is 10 to 1 that he has more than 100 receiving yards.
And the line is 500 to 1 that he turns his season around, gets selected to the Pro Bowl, while in Honolulu meets latino pop star Shakira, falls madly in love, marries her, hangs out at the recording studio one day, starts singing when he thinks no one else is around, gets overheard by her producer who talks him into cutting his own record, and eventually winds up doing a hip-hop remake of Islands in the Stream with Shaquille O'Neal. I like those odds.
Steelers at Cowboys-
Mr. Testaverde, thank you for playing. Please follow the lovely Janet and she'll show you the nice parting gifts we have for you today.
Vikings at Saints-
The Jim Haslett Farewell Tour makes an appearance on ESPN's Sunday Night Football.
And hey, any chance Pat Summerall refers to Randy Moss as Ahmad Rashad before this one's over?
(Monday Night) Bucs at Rams-
Did you see Mike Martz celebrating on the sidelines at the end of their miraculous come-from-behind win in Seattle last week? He looked like Squintz' mom getting tickled by a vibrator.
(You didn't think I'd make it all the way through the Matchups without a Squintz' mom reference, did you?)