Yes, I know that you probably came here with great anticipation looking for the promised in-depth discussion regarding the talents of Keanu Reeves and Andrew McCarthy. Believe me, I too am excited at the opportunity to simply speculate about what would happen if the two of them shared a screen together someday. Would they drag each other to all-new depths or would one of them look in the mirror and get the strength to rise above, up to the level of your typical Extra in a high school drama production? What kind of plot would it have to be? Who on earth would sign on to co-star? Who would be desperate enough to direct? Would anyone plunk down nine dollars to go see it in the theatre, or would it just go straight to DVD? Or would MTV, VH1 an E! hype it up like it was the next Godfather and con a few hundred thousand kids out of their allowance? All good questions that I desperately need to explore.
But not now.
Right now something's going on that supercedes even a good Keanu bashing. Something so disruptive that even Dennis Miller would have a hard time coming up with an obscure metaphor to describe it. Something that threatens to shift the entire balance of power in the NFL and throw all football logic as we know it right out the window. Something that is about to create an alternate universe, the like of which that have only been seen on old Star Trek episodes, Superman/Bizarro confrontations on Superfriends, and in the secret underground rooms of Siegfried & Roy's mansion. (Please, don't ask.)
What am I talking about? Well, I think David Lee Roth said it best on side one of Van Halen II when he screeched, "Somebody get me a doctor, .....Oh yeah!"
In case you haven't noticed, the NFL has suddenly turned into a WWE Battle Royale. Last team standing wins the belt!
The number of serious injuries so far this season is utterly staggering. I haven't seen this many guys go down so fast since the first fifteen minutes of Saving Private Ryan. All that's left is to see player wandering around the field shell-shocked, searching for his left arm. It's unbelievable. And if you don't believe me, let's take a look at the toe tags:
Rex Grossman, torn knee ligaments- out for the season
Rich Gannon, broken neck- out at least six weeks
Tommy Maddox, injured elbow- out at least six weeks
Charlie Garner, torn knee ligaments- out for the season
Deuce McCallister, severe ankle sprain- out four to six weeks
Stephen Davis, knee injury- out for the season
Kellen Winslow Jr, broken leg- out for the season
Courtney Brown, torn foot ligament- out for the season
Gerrard Warren, torm pectoral muscle- out indefinitely
Nate Webster, torn patella tendon- out for the season
Mike Brown, ruptured achilles tendon- out for the season
Kevin Jones, knee injury- out two to four weeks
John Ritchie, leg injury- out for the season
Todd Heap, sprained ankle- out two to four weeks
Lavar Arrington, knee injury- out two to four weeks
Charles Rogers, broken collarbon- out for the season
And those are just the high-profile players.
Now, I'm all for bone-jarring, snot-bubbling, violent collisions on the playing field but most of these injuries were caused by a simple change of direction or a cleat getting caught in the sod. That's not fun. I don't want to see the pecking order of the NFL determined by non-contact injuries. I want to see the stars duke it out each and every week. Who wants to watch the second-teamers? Hell, we just got done with the boring preseason & now we're back to the scrubs again. I don't want no scrubs. A scrub is a guy who won't get no love from me. God, how I do miss Left Eye. Anyway, you know what all of this calls for, don't you? It's obvious. Cloning.
You clone every starting player on every team, send them all to a commune where they can eat, sleep, practice and excercise together. When a starter goes down, you go get the clone. No more waiver wire claims, no more grabbing guys out of UPS trucks, just a simple DNA Double chartered in by jet from Camp Clone and your team doesn't skip a beat. And there's no reason to relegate this only to players, we can also clone the best announcers, the best referees, and the best cheerleaders,...... I mean, why suffer through a game with Gus Frerotte, Don Criqui, and Jeff Triplett as referee when you could have Daunte Culpepper's clone at QB, Al Michaels in the booth, Red Cashion as head referee, and Redskins cheerleader Kristen on the sidelines? Oh, you don't know Kristen? Well, you're in luck because she just so happens to be our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week! (check the link above).
Sure, the idea of cloning has plenty of ethical, moral and economical issues involved with it, but so do drinking, gambling, and excessive girl-ogling. And without them, I ask you, where would this great game be? Cloning is just a natural next-step for this league. It's a step that needs to happen and a change that needs to be made. To quote Michael Jackson, "Make that change."
And to paraphrase Barbara Streisand, "Send in the Clones!"
(And no, I'm not gay.)
Now, on with the Matchups.....
Purdue at Notre Dame-
Maybe Tyrone Willingham is the Black Jesus afterall.
Auburn at Tennessee-
Remember, that's pronounced Aww-burn at Tin-uhh-see.
Redskins at Browns-
The Butch Davis Farewell Tour swings back through Cleveland. Get your tickets now!
Bengals at Steelers-
Looks like our Black Jesus tried to turn water & fish into wine & bread but so far has only come up with grape juice and pork rinds. Ooh....yep, now I'm hungry.
Colts at Jaguars-
Watch out 1972 Dolphins, the Jacksonville Jaguars are 3-0!
No, but seriously....
Patriots at Bills-
Watch out 1972 Dolphins, the New England Patriots are 3-0!
Raiders at Texans-
The last time the Texans were favored over the Raiders was Week 3 of the 1962 season.
Both teams were in the old AFL,
The Texans played in the Cotton Bowl in Dallas,
A handsome 33 year-old Al Davis had just slipped into his very first white sweatsuit,
And....... JFK's head was still intact.
Yes, Hell, I know.
Eagles at Bears-
Rex Grossman is out for Chicago and Jonathan Quinn is in. But unless it's Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman with the ingredients for a paralyzation spell hidden in a bowl of Chunky Soup placed inconspicuously at Donovan McNabb's locker, then it really doesn't matter, does it?
Saints at Cardinals-
Wow, the the Saints won last week- on the road, without Deuce McCallister. I haven't seen it with my own eyes but apparently Aaron Brooks is playing like a clone of Mike Vick. I guess that means the loss of Jerry Fontenot hasn't had a devastating effect on him, huh? Strange.
Falcons at Panthers-
Speaking of Mike Vick, have you seen the new Nike commercial featuring the Mike Vick Experience amusement park ride? I mean, have you SEEN it?! Freaking awesome! This is one of those commercials that's so good, it makes you want to find the people who make bad commercials- like the ones for Old Navy- and punch their teeth right out of their head.
Jets at Dolphins-
Hey, I've got an idea for another one of those Nike commercials? The A.J. Feeley Experience. Yes!
You get strapped in, pulled back from the line, have your head turned to scan left and right, then BAM!, you get body slammed to within an inch of your life. Then you get picked up and go through the same sequence twenty nine more times before finally being elevated to a platform where you are released to lie in a puddle of your own blood, sweat and feces.
Broncos at Buccaneers-
Can we officially call them the Succaneers yet?
Giants at Packers-
This is my ironclad-rock solid-no doubt about it- absolute guarantee of the century game. There is no way, I repeat, NO WAY that the Giants go into Lambeau, improve to 3-1 and send the Pack to 1-3. If this happens, I will come to the Palooza Monday Night outing dressed in only a diaper with "I Love Tom Coughlin" scrawled on my back in red marker. Conversely, if the Packers win, Mama Squintz has agreed to come to the outing dressed in only a thong bikini bottom with "I Love Weiner" written across her chest. You know, like usual.
Titans at Chargers-
Steve McNair is most likely out with a bruised sternum. Billy Volek will take his place.
Rams at Niners-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to Hell!!!
(Monday Night) Chiefs at Ravens-
Last year, the Chiefs began the season 9-0 and Dick Vermeil was crying at the drop of a hat. Thiis year, they're sitting 0-3 and we get no tears. This is one emotionally confused old man.