Outside of my family and friends, only a rare few things make me happy enough to wet myself. Here’s a quick rundown:
1) Ice cold beer and a plate of hot wings at Hooters
2) Seeing one of Tony LaRussa’s strategeries backfire on him
3) Watching middle-aged Asians dancing at wedding receptions
4) An ice cold Pepsi Vanilla accompanied by a bag of Sour Patch Kids
5) Tight button-up sweaters on well-endowed chicks in the freezer section of the local grocery
6) Being mistaken for Brad Pitt (almost didn’t make this list because it’s really just becoming commonplace now)
7) Replays of Carl Lewis’ rendition of the National Anthem
8) Catching Joe Dirt on cable just in time for the fireworks stand scene
9) Being on vacation
10)The start of a new NFL season
It just so happens that #9 and #10 are occurring concurrently for me this week and #’s 2, 3, 7, and 8 happened last week. Suffice it to say, I’m on a pretty decent run here. All I need to do is go to Hooters, then stop off at the grocery to pick up some Pepsi Vanilla & Sour Patch Kids, hang out in the freezer aisle and pray that yet another tight-sweatered puppy smuggler asks me, I mean Brad, for his autograph.
But first, the Week One Matchups. Let’s go!
Colts at Patriots-
Corey Dillon’s first big-exposure game of his career. I hope he shits his pants and coughs up the ball four times.
Ahh, I can hear it now……………….
Al Michaels: “Dillon gets the handoff up the middle, and I believe the ball is on the ground. It is, and the Colts have recovered! John, Dillon just didn’t seem to have a good hold on the ball there.
John Madden: “No he didn’t, and I don’t think he has a good hold on his bowels either. Take a look at his pants. (using the telestrator) There’s a couple of stains right here BOOM! and over here BOOM!
Jaguars at Bills-
Ahh, late summer in Buffalo. If I were the Jags I’d leave a day early to take in some of the sights.
Lions at Bears-
The two head coaches in this contest are nicknamed Moochie and Lovie. Seriously.
Ravens at Browns-
Worst thing about Deion Sanders return to the NFL:
CBS replaced him in the studio with Shannon Sharpe.
Guess they’re still sticking to that “One white bread host, two retired white quarterbacks, and the mouthiest nigga we can find” formula. Hey, good luck with that.
Chargers at Texans-
Twenty bucks says that Don Criqui gets assigned to this one.
Titans at Dolphins-
“Ricky Williams and the hard-charging Miami Dolphins host Eddie George and the rough-and-tumble Tennessee Titans, - What? Oh, okay. Ahem…….…in 3,2,…”Jay Fiedler and the mentally fucked up Miami Dolphins take on Steve McNair and whoever else the Titans still have left, This week on CBS!”
Seahawks at Saints-
The Jim Haslett Farewell Tour kicks off at home against Wilford Brimley’s Seattle Seahawks.
(side note: Did you know that Wilford Brimley is younger than Robert Redford? It’s true.)
Bengals at Jets-
J!-E!-T!-S! SUCK, SUCK, SUCK!!!
Raiders at Steelers-
Odds against the CBS announcers referencing Franco Harris’ Immaculate Reception during this one: 18 billion to one.
Cardinals at Rams-
What a nice, easy first test for that shaky Arizona defense. This one may create the formulation of a committee to explore a Mercy rule.
Bucs at Redskins-
Joe Gibbs first regular season game in DC after a long hiatus. Also his first regular season game coaching at FedEx Field.
Hey, that reminds me, how much do you think it’d cost to FedEx Grammatica One to go visit Grammatica Two? Just curious.
Cowboys at Vikings-
Vinny Testaverde, say hello to the regular season.
Giants at Eagles-
Official over-under on concussions this year for Kurt Warner: 2 ½
My guess is number one comes this Sunday.
Falcons at Niners-
The Niners Road to the Number One Pick Begins This Sunday on Fox!
Chiefs at Broncos-
Pat Summerall will be in the ESPN booth replacing the recovering Mike Patrick. This gives the added humor bonus of waiting for a “senior moment” from Summerall.
Which of the following do you think he’s more likely to do?
a) Mistakenly refer to Trent Green as “Len Dawson”
b) Mistakenly refer to Jake Plummer as “Craig Morton”
c) Turn to Paul McGuire and say “Hey John, when did the Broncos start wearing blue jerseys?”
d) See a forward pass & exclaim “When did they start allowing THAT?!”
e) Remind everyone to stay tuned after the broadcast for a brand new episode of Barnaby Jones
I’m putting my money on “a” but desperately hoping for “e”.
Packers at Panthers (Monday Night)-
Are you ready for some football!?!?!
What a great first Monday Nighter to kick off the year.
Favre and Ahman Green versus the defending NFC champs and their strong defense. I’ve got nothing smart-ass to say about this one. I’m just geeked. Seriously, I can’t think of one single reason why I won’t be glued to the screen for this one from start to finish.
Monday is Squintz’ Mom’s first night on the job at Bristol’s? Fellas, let me know how the game turns out.