During the not-so-dramatic yet extremely predictable conclusion of the Packers destruction of the Panthers on Monday Night, I found my mind wandering trying to come up with angles for this week's Matchups. At the same time, I also found my boofer wandering from channel-to-channel. And what do you think I ran across on FX? Yep, you guessed it- Point Break. For those of you lucky enough not to have been force-fed my ramblings last season, you missed roughly two pages one particular week that were entirely devoted to this movie. Suffice it to say that I love the film. It is the epitome of something being so bad that it's good. With a cast consisting of three guys who couldn't act their way through an open door - Keanu Reeves as Johnny Utah, Patrick Swayze as Bodhi, and Gary Busey as Special Agent Pappas- as well as the "hot" surfer babe played by the extremely flat-chested Laura Petrie (you may recognize her as the uber-annoying Go Baby, Go! voice on those horseracing commercials)- it's a solid two hours of pure guilty pleasure. You've got Swayze walking around on the beach like he's got a large piece of coral jammed up his ass, talking about the spirituality of surfing while heading a crew of seasonal bankrobbers. There's Busey, apparently captured on film in-between large gulps out of a vodka bottle, further damaging his bad knees by running his fat ass around town and trying to say words like "Carnuba Wax" over his prized set of super-sized choppers while trying to pass himself off as a believable veteran FBI agent. And then there's Keanu, which I believe is Swahili for "Overrated Fuck Farmer". With acting so stiff he could pass for a telephone pole injected with liquid Viagra, he plays a former Ohio State quarterback-turned reckless young FBI hotshot and continually serves up such gems as "Via con dios" and "You've gotta go down Bodhi. You went over the line. People trusted you and they died." (It helps if you read it like Bill from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Keanu did. Go ahead, I'll wait.......)
Anyway, nothing stimulates the creative juices like two hours with Keanu, Swayze, and Busey. Well, maybe nothing except two hours with Squintz' mom. Did I mention that she made kettle corn and gave me a hummer during the movie? She's a good woman.
Now on with the Matchups!......
(By the way, they're extra dirty this week. Enjoy.)
Panthers at Chiefs-
This is an "Oh, Shit!" game. When the dust settles at Arrowhead Stadium, one of these two highly regarded teams will be off to an 0-2 start and their fans will be screaming "Oh, Shit!". Actually, in Carolina they'd be screaming "Aw, Sheee-itt!", but let's not split hairs.
This game comes down to one team with a great offense but a bad defense vs a team with a great defense but a bad offense. Which would you rather have? Well, let's put it this way: would you rather have a huge dick but also be constantly man-raped by a huge dick OR have a tiny wee-wee but only have your sphincter tickled a little?
Give me the cocktail frank and give me the Panthers.
Broncos at Jaguars-
Lord Byron tries to pull the upset and send the Jags to 2-0. Keep in mind that the weather could be a factor depending on where Hurricane Ivan decides to dock. Just a thought here, but if Ivan were to smash head on into Mike Shannahan's teeth, it would immediately downgraded to a tropical depression, right?
Colts at Titans-
Okay, has anyone else seen the "Got Milk?" magazine ad featuring Payton, Eli, and Archie Manning? They look like either they all just stood up after giving each other head or older brother Cooper just bukake'd on each of their upper lips. Maybe both.
Bears at Packers-
If the Vegas line on this one is any less than Green Bay by 17, I'm emptying the daughter's college fund and calling 1-900-BET2BET.
Niners at Saints-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to Hell!!!
Texans at Lions-
The Lions?
2-0?
If this happens, check the sky for falling locusts, the valleys for flowing rivers of blood, and the nearest meadow for Kirk Cameron on a white horse. You know, just in case.
Steelers at Ravens-
"God Dammit Kyle!!!"
Redskins at Giants-
Clintportis, Clintportis, Clintportis, Clintportis, Clintportis, Clintportis, Clintportis.
That's still fun.
Rams at Falcons-
Hey bro', I know he's got mad flava' but I gots a feeling dat Mike Vick's 'fro ain't gonna' see trimmers any time soon.
Sincerely,
Stuart Scott
(P.S. For the 812th time- Would somebody please find me a fake left eye that matches my good right one?)
Bills at Raiders-
Another "Oh, Shit!" game. It would be a pity if Warren Sapp played on a losing team this year, wouldn't it? Fat fucker.
Seahawks at Bucs-
That's one long-ass plane ride from Seattle to Tampa. They'll probably show two movies. I'd like to suggest Cannonball Run I and II. That stutterfuck Mel Tillis really cracks me up.
I'd like to see a new Cannonball Run, you know, to complete the trilogy. And if they use some football players again, I'm putting in a good word for the following pairs: Grammatica I & Grammatica II, Jeff Garcia & Kordell Stewart, Edgerrin James & Ricky Williams, and Deion Sanders & an extremely contagious black-plague-carrying wombat.
Browns at Cowboys-
Now warming up in the Dallas bullpen, righthander Drew Henson.
Patriots at Cardinals-
Belichek in the desert. Think he'll go Commando? Nasty.
Jets at Chargers-
J!-E!-T!-S! .....whatever. Hey, is it wrong to wonder why that goofy guy leading cheers with the fireman helmet on couldn't have been in one of the towers when they fell? I'll answer that. YES, YES IT IS WRONG TO WONDER THAT! YOU SICK FUCK! YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO FUCKING HELL! HELL, I TELL YOU, HELL, YOU STUPID FUCKER!!!
Dolphins at Bengals-
Thank God Ricky Williams is lost in a hash cloud right now. But if Lamont Gordon and A.J. Feeley light 'em up on national television, Bengal fans should just commit mass suicide by willingly hurling themselves down one of the non-working PBS escalators to form a huge black & orange burial mound at the base.
(Monday Night) Vikings at Eagles-
McNabb. Culpepper. Owens. Moss.
What five things do these four guys have in common?
1) They're all NFC Pro Bowlers.
2) They were all first round draft choices.
3) They're all obscenely rich.
4) They're all black men.
and,
5) They've all gotten hummers from Squintz' mom.
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