Well, here we are in Week 3 and I just realized that I've got no fucking clue about 28 of the 32 NFL teams. The Patriots and Eagles are kick-ass good & the Texans and Cardinals are shit-sucking terrible. That's it. I know nothing more, nothing less. Hell, isn't everybody else 1-1? Okay, the Lions, Jags, Jets and Seahawks are all 2-0 but the jury is nowhere near a verdict on any of them, right? The next couple of weeks will show us which surprise teams have legs for the long run and which of them will fade like my uncle Rob after Thanksgiving dinner. The next couple weeks will also tell us which of the expected contenders who are off to a slow start can turn things around & which of them will keep sinking like Dom Delouise in a big pool of chocolate pudding. (Can you tell that I'm loving the metaphors tonight? I love 'em like a supermodel with big cupcake breasts and red licorice nipples.)
So anyway, who will get legs? Who will start to fade? Who will sink? And who will sport the licorice nipples? Again, I have no fucking idea. But I do know that injuries don't help. That's the bad news for Cleveland (Winslow), New Orleans (McAllister), Baltimore (Heap), Washington (Brunell), Carolina (Davis and Smith) and Pittsburgh (Maddox). And these teams aren't the only ones with major problems. The Chiefs seem to have just realized that adding NO ONE to their putrid defense in the offseason was probably a bad idea. The Rams seem to have just realized that they're going to seriously miss Grant Wistrom. The Bills seem to have just realized that Drew Bledsoe's skills have deteriorated to that of a 14-year old mentally handicapped Vietnamese girl who's missing a leg and suffers from blurred vision brought on by malnourishment. And the Cowboys seem to have just realized that Vinny Testaverde is, well, Vinny Testaverde.
Meanwhile, the Lions, Jags, Jets, Bears and Seahawks all have optimism rushing through their veins. Their all swelled up like Barry Bonds after a ten minute sucking spree on a fire hose full of HGH. But these teams all have questions to answer, too. For example, can Harrington keep it together without Charles Rogers? Can the Jags keep winning without scoring more than 13 points a game? Can Pennington and Martin stay healthy for a full season? Can the Bears win with Grossman at quarterback? Can the Seahawks win if Shawn Alexander is injured worse than we think? Again, like I said, I have no fucking clue. I feel like Ducky in Pretty in Pink right after he realized Molly Ringwald was getting ready to go out on a date with Andrew McCarthy. I was all dancing around & lip-synchin' to James Brown, hair slicked up like Fonzie, just happy as a clueless teen when the NFL season kicked off. Just giddy with excitement and content with the world. Then, quickly and abruptly (those two words mean different things, right?), my mood has changed & I'm sulking in the back room of the record store trying to explain why this shouldn't be happening. The Giants should not have beaten the Redskins. The Browns had no business taking out the Ravens. The Jags couldn't have beaten the Broncos. And how in the hell could the Bears have crossed the tracks and stolen one from the Packers? They had no right! They're from the other side of the tracks. It's wrong! They're just gonna break your heart. And when they do, the ol' Duck Man's not going to be around to pick up the pieces this time! Honestly, it's all enough to make me want to punch James Spader in the mouth, then jump up and rip down a senior prom banner.
And while I'm on the topic, I don't know who I hated more- Jon Cryer as Ducky or Andrew McCarthy as, well, every character he ever played. As a matter of fact, didn't he always just play himself? I mean, was there any difference between his character in Pretty in Pink and the ones he played in St. Elmo's Fire, Mannequin, or Weekend at Bernie's? My God, what would happen if he co-starred with Keanu Reeves?
I think I have pre-ramble for next week's Matchups.
Now let's get on with Week 3!...........
Browns at Giants-
First, we heard that Jeff Garcia might be gay. Now I read that he not only has a girlfriend, but that his girlfriend is the current Playboy Playmate of the Year Carmella DeCesare! Great, just what I needed, more confusion. On the bright side however, Carmella did agree to be this week's Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week! (See above link)
Chargers at Broncos-
I know I joke about it a lot but I've got a new question on the same topic: Do Mike Shannahan and Martin Sheen share the same dentures? I mean, does one of them get 'em in the morning, say, until 2pm or so, and then hand 'em off to the other one? Do they soak them in-between? And what does the one who doesn't have them do? Stay in and eat noodles? I need to know.
Texans at Chiefs-
KC defensive end Eric Hicks went off on a female reporter Sunday. Apparently she had the nerve, after they'd just given up 62 points in their first two games, to ask him if the front office should have gotten them more defensive help in the offseason. While ranting, Hicks told her that her question was a slap in the face to him and his fellow KC defenders. He later apologized and said he should have never been that rude to someone who once gave him a world-class blowjob. That female reporter, of course,.......Mama Squintz.
Packers at Colts-
There is no question that Brett Favre is a modern-day iron man. But just in the off-off chance that he were to go down, Packer fans can rest assured that Tim Couch will not come off of the bench to fuck up their season. You see, the Packers cut Timmay! and now, ironically enough, it seems that the Colts are interested in his services. They're apparently interested because of his experience and also because he's a close personal friend of Peyton Manning. Can you imagine the conversations between these two O-kee-dokes? I'm thinking it sounds a lot like Forrest Gump talking to Cowboy from Big Brother 5.
Jaguars at Titans-
Two weeks ago in Vegas, the odds on the Jags starting 3-0 were someting like 2.2 billion-to-one, which was only slightly better than the odds of Pat Summerall being able to pronounce "Houshmanzadeh" on his first try.
Cardinals at Falcons-
Two weeks ago in Vegas, the odds on the Cards starting the season 0-3 was something like 1-1, which was only slightly better than the odds that the sun would indeed come out again the next morning.
Steelers at Dolphins-
Guess Tommy Maddox' negotiations with the Devil on a new contract hit a snag, huh?
Ravens at Bengals-
Think there's any Deion Sanders memorabilia in the new Reds Hall of Fame Museum? I bet there is. There's probably a large collection right in-between Rolando Roome's glove and Gary Redus' cleats in the Kalvosky Daniels Wing.
Bears at Vikings-
So let me get this straight; in Week 1, the Bears lost to the Lions in Chicago. That was Detroit's first road win in like 55 years. Then last week, the Bears beat the Packers in Green Bay, the first time that had happened in like 75 years. Wow, that's some impressive streak-busting. But not nearly as impressive as the fact that Vikings kicker Morten Anderson remembers the beginning of both of those streaks like it was just yesterday. Time really flies when you're a big-legged octogenarian from Denmark.
Eagles at Lions-
This is a Statement Game. If the Eagles beat this confident young team on the road & improve to 3-0, they will send the statement that they are the team to beat in the NFC. If the Lions can knock off the Eagles and improve themselves to a surprising 3-0, they will make the statement that they are officially a playoff contender for 2004.
Wow, got kinda serious for a minute there, didn't I. Sorry.
Saints at Rams-
When Jim Haslett learned that the Saints would be without Deuce for a few weeks, do you think he dropped a deuce in his pants?
I think it's safe to say that with one more Saints loss we can officially kick off the marketing campaign to announce the Jim Haslett Farewell Tour.
Bucs at Raiders-
Poor Jerry Rice, right?
Fuck Jerry Rice. Cryin' and carryin' on like a little baby. Grow up. Move on. I can't stand people who can't just accept dissapointment and move on.........
Niners at Seahawks-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to Hell!!!
(Monday Night) Cowboys at Redskins-
Is it just me or is the Tuna on the road back to obesity? It looks like he's not only in the car and on the road, but he's got the hammer down and a glove box full of Rallyburgers & Ring-Dings as Healthytown gets smaller and smaller in his rear view mirror.
And don't forget the college games...
Iowa at Michigan-
Ahh Iowa. I miss Hayden Fry with his dark prescription sunglasses and the ANF stickers he slapped on the Hawkeyes helmets.
America Needs Farmers.
How true. I mean, without farmers who would grow the food to feed the world? Plus, without farmers, where would we get all those beautiful big-boobed milk-fed farmer's daughters?
USC at Stanford-
This is an interesting matchup. Stanford's mascot is a tree and USC's is a Trojan, right? So then, this is how I see it: trees are where wood comes from, while Trojans are what wood cums in.
I'd rather be the tree.
Also, do you think the USC scoreboard operator plays the "TROJAN MAAAAN!" soundbyte whenever one of their players makes a good play? If not, he really should.