Sep 15, 2006
The Best of Hee-Haw, a striptease, a bitchslap, the Man Show boy, and dinner with Paris Hilton & Mrs Warner
I've had a really busy week so let's just get straight to the Week 3 Matchups...right after a couple quick observations:
Have you seen the NFL Network's 2006 Gameday team in action yet? There's Rich Eisen, Steve Mariucci and Deion Sanders. Rich is his usual affable self, Mariucci is knowledgeable and likeable, and then there's Deion, who's so ill-prepared in his ugly $10,000 Italian suits that he may as well be talking European politics and giving us a tour of the Fontana di Trevi. Mariucci sits next to him, quietly pissed-off, biting his tongue so hard that you can practically see blood running out the corners of his mouth. This thing is going to hit Paris-Nicole feud stage by Week 7, trust me.
Also, I've caught the first few editions of the new Monday Night Football on ESPN and I'm still waiting for Tony Kornheiser to be, well, Tony Kornheiser. It's like somebody over there in Bristol got pissed at him, cloned him, shoved the real Tony into a trunk, wheeled out the clone, then realized, "Oh shit, the clone doesn't have a personality!" Or maybe they're just giving him a fistful of Prozac right before kickoff, I don't know. I mean, I thought the idea was to bring him on and stir-up some shit, call out Theisman on some of his ridiculous comments, and basically say some things the other guys don't have the balls to say. Instead, he sits there like he's still in shock from being ass-fucked by a sasquatch. And when he does speak, he's about as entertaining and controversial as a bowl of day-old oatmeal. I say they either need to put him in the studio and move Michael Irvin to the booth or kick out Theisman, bring in Michael Wilbon, and shock Kornheiser back to life.
Okay, I'm done. Now on with the Matchups...
Notre Dame at Michigan State-
Being that I'm partially of Irish decent, I find the Notre Dame team nickname to be inaccurate and therefore mildly offensive. Therefore, I have started a petition to have the nickname changed to more accurately represent my people. If all goes well, by next season, the Notre Dame sports teams will be referred to as the Notre Dame Fighting, Drinking, Potato-Picking, Guilt-Ridden, Jesus-Lovin' Irish.
Erin Go Brah!
Speaking of nicknames, Spartans is a great one if only because it reminds me of this...
Alabama at Arkansas-
Over-Under on the number of people in attendance at this game who own The Best of Hee-Haw on DVD: 10,000
Over-Under on the number of people in attendance at this game who own The Best of Hee-Haw on VHS: 65,000
Sex Panthers at Buccaneers-
The American Medical Association announced this week that anyone with Chris Simms on their fantasy football team can clinically be diagnosed as "mentally challenged", and anyone starting Chris Simms on their fantasy team can be deemed "fucking retarded".
Bears at Vikings-
The official details of Rex Grossman's deal with the devil have not yet been released but my sources tell me that the deal definitely involves at least a first-born son and a soul.
Bengals at Steelers-
So, the Bengals go into this one missing their starting center, their starting strong safety, a starting linebacker, their kick returner, their third-down back, and possibly also their number-two wide receiver. Fantastic. But before we all go soak our heads in a big bucket of hydrochloric acid, let's try something to make us feel better....
Packers at Lions-
Kinda like watching two nerds duke it out on the playground. Nobody really wins and we're all a little bit dumber for having watched.
Titans at Dolphins-
Gentlemen, I give you The Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Redskins at Texans-
Clinton Portis and the Redskins head to the Lonestar State to battle Reggie Bush and the Houston Texans, this Sunday on FOX!
What? Portis is still hurt? Okay, well....Huh? You mean they didn't pick Bush? That's right, I keep forgetting that.
Mark Brunell and the Redskins head to the Lonestar State to battle David Carr......oh, nevermind.
Jaguars at Colts-
Don't F with this guy...
Ravens at Browns-
Coach Crennel, thanks for having your team participate in the 2006 NFL Season. Please follow the lovely Marissa backstage to pick up your parting gifts.
Jets at Bills-
Remember that funny little fat kid from The Man Show?
I'd been wondering whatever became of him & now I know. He's New York Jets head coach Eric Mangini!
Giants at Seahawks-
I don't want to say that Eli Manning comes across as a backwards-ass country bumpkin but if he were an Andy Griffith character, he'd definitely be Gomer, right?
And just for the record: Yid would be Andy, Squintz would be Barney, Uncle Kracker would be Goober, I'd be Floyd, Roger would be Howard, Johnny would be Ernest T. Bass, Matt would be Otis, and you-know-who would be a slightly more whorish Aunt Bea.
Eagles at Niners-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to hell!!!
Rams at Cardinals-
Apparently and not surprisingly, Kurt Warner has taken Matt Leinart under his wing as the heir-apparent in Arizona. And that got me to thinking...... since Leinart's been seen "hanging out" with Paris Hilton from time-to-time, I wonder if they've ever double-dated with Warner & his wife. I suspect that dinner conversation might go a little something like this:
Mrs Warner: So, Paris, I saw...I mean, I heard about that home video you were in on the internet.
Paris: Yeah, that was hot.
Mrs Warner: Well, I don't think God would find it hot.
Paris: God's hot.
Mrs Warner: Do you go to church, Paris? You know, you really should think about developing a relationship with your savior, Jesus Christ.
Paris: You should really think about doing something with your hair.
Kurt Warner: So, who's ready to order?
Broncos at Patriots-
I bet Jake Plummer feels like Yasmin Bleeth did when Carmen Electra joined Baywatch- old, bloated, and wondering why he's not getting asked for as many autographs anymore.
Falcons at Saints-
Ladies and Gentelmen, New Orleans is again open for business! Please excuse our racist mayor and the overwhelming musty odor.
Posted by Smitty