Show me, don't tell me, You've figured out the score...Show me, don't tell me, I've heard it all before...Show me, don't tell me, I don't care what you say...Show me, don't tell me...You can twist perceptions, Reality won't budge...You can raise objections, I will be the judge...And the jury...I'll give it due reflection, Watching from the fence...Give the jury direction, Based on the evidence...I, the jury...Show, Don't tell

Sep 19, 2005

Damned dirty apes, Hawaiian Shirt Day, Mama McNabb, and the Donger

If I said, "If you build it, he will come", you'd probably conjure up an image of Kevin Costner and James Earl Jones standing in that farm-turned-baseball field in Field of Dreams. If you overheard someone utter the phrase, "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse", you'd almost asuredly think of Marlon Brando in The Godfather. If there was a television turned on in another room and you heard the line, "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape", you'd certainly know that Planet of the Apes was on, or that Olson was making another move on Mama Squintz. (The same holds true for, "Say 'Hello' to my little friend.") You'd recognize these phrases and countless others because they are timeless lines delivered flawlessly and fitted perfectly into the dialogue of their respective films. And also because they're lines that have transcended the big screen and become ingrained into our everyday language. I mean, who hasn't grabbed a wire hanger out of the closet before and yelled "No wire hangers, EVER!" or stood on the golf course and started into the whole "Cinderella story. Outta nowhere, a former greenskeeper now about to become the Masters champion..." routine? It’s a way of getting a point across or getting a laugh, or both, while offering the unusual opportunity of sharing the memory of something with people who most likely weren’t even there with you when you first experienced it.

That’s why I’m fascinated with the spoken word, be it in movies, tv shows, music, or even commercials. The ability to mass broadcast allows for memorable lyrics and dialogue to become a common thread for all of us to share, regardless of social status, race, creed, or sexual orientation. (Although if a homo started reciting lines from Will & Grace, I have to admit, he’d lose me.) Therefore, it should be no surprise that when I spotted the recent special AFI’s 100 Movie Quotes: America’s Greatest Quips, Comebacks and Catchphrases on the program listing last week, it was eagerly awaited with a bevy of iced MGD's, some heavily buttered popcorn, and of course, a large bag of Swedish Fish. The program was entertaining but left a little to be desired for anyone born after the Korean War. I just can’t take too seriously a list of best movie lines ever when it excludes such gems as “We’re on a mission from God.”, “I’m not gonna fall for the banana in the tailpipe”, or “No more yanky my wanky, the Donger needs food.” So, in an effort to share some of AFI’s picks, hopefully improve upon it with some choices of my own, and to bring you this week’s slate of NFL contests with a unique twist, here are your Week 3 Matchups……….

Hawaii at Idaho- "Oh, and next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day... so, you know, if you want to you can go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt.... and jeans." (Office Space)
Two winless teams, three hours of exciting WAC action!

Michigan State at Wisconsin- "Badgers? We don't need no badgers! I don't have to show you any stinking badgers!" (The Treasure of the Sierra Madre)
(And, yes, I know.)

Falcons at Bills- "He left me with a little something called herpes. Which I then gave to the dog. But that's neither here nor there." (Old School)
Knock 'em dead, Ron Mexico.

Panthers at Dolphins- "Waiter, there is too much pepper in my paprikash." (When Harry Met Sally)
I think it's safe to say, given the state of the Dolphins offensive line play, that Gus Frerotte's going to have Julius Peppers all over his paprikash on Sunday.

Bengals at Bears- "That's a pretty fucking good milkshake. I don't know if it's worth five dollars, but it's pretty fucking good." (Pulp Fiction)
Both of these perennial losers won by more than four touchdowns last week. I guess we'll find out which one of them is worth five dollars this Sunday.

Browns at Colts- “You’re gonna need a bigger boat. (Jaws)”
The Browns defense looked solid against old man Favre last week but I don’t think they’ll be able to hang with ol’ horseface this Sunday.

speaking of Favre……..

Bucs at Packers- "No shirt, no shoes, no dice. Learn it, know it, live it." (Fast Times at Ridgemont High)
No blocking, no one to throw to, no dice Mr. Favre. Have a great farewell tour.

Jags at Jets- “Don't touch it, it's eee-vil!" (Time Bandits)
Who can figure these two teams out? Not me, I ain't touching this one with a 120-inch long stick-like thingy.

Saints at Vikings- “I see dead people." (The Sixth Sense)”
Before I get nasty emails from some of you, I'm talking about the Vikings here.

Raiders at Eagles- “Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. McNabb?" (The Graduate)
'nuff said.

Titans at Rams- “You found me beautiful once. Uh, Honey, you got reeeeal ugly.” (Army of Darkness)
Remember not long ago when these two teams met in the SuperBowl? Yeah, me too.

Cardinals at Seahawks- “You have smoked yourself retarded.” (Half Baked)
Can someone please explain the ending of the Cardinals-Rams game last week? I certainly hope there was some weed-smoking to blame 'cause I'd hate to think they're naturally that stupid. I spy an 0-3 start for the Cardinals. Thanks for participating in the 2005 NFL regular season. Please follow the lovely Janice and pick up your parting gifts.

Cowboys at Niners- “My Lord, you look just like the piss-boy. And you look like a bucket of shit." (History of the World: Part I)
The Cowboys blew a 13-point lead Monday night with four minutes remaining to quite possibly the worst offense the NFL has seen in over a decade and the Niners came crashing to earth with an ungodly beating at the hands of the Eagles. Frankly, I’d rather watch Bravo’s Celebrity Poker finals with Rosie O’Fat and Ozzy Osbourne (a.k.a. Penny Marshall) betting, bluffing, and steaming each others’ clams.

Patriots at Steelers- “We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens. (Sixteen Candles)"
Best offensive line in the NFL.
Strong defense with all eleven starters returned from last season.
Rothlisberger seemingly avoiding the sophomore jinx.
And now Willie Parker looks like the next Walter Payton.
I hate to say it but I think the Steelers are safe as kittens.
Little, gay, black & gold kittens.

Giants at Chargers- “Go fuck yourself, San Diego.”
No, you go fuck yourself, Mr. Eli Mantooth. (you really had to see the movie for that one.)

(Monday night) Chiefs at Broncos- "Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown." (Chinatown)
....and by Jake I mean Plummer. And by Chinatown I mean a big game.

Good luck snotsticks
(except for you, Olson. Damn you Matty Madagascar, damn you straight to hell!)

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